This must be too old, but, an all time favorite!!!



Or, check the original version of Dear Penis at JOKEFROG.

Dear Penis
by Rodney Carrington

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Dear Penis, I don't think I like you anymore.
You used to watch me shave,
Now all you do is stare at the floor.
Oh dear Penis, I don't like you anymore.

It used to be you and me, a paper towel and a dirty magazine.
That's all we needed to get by.
Now it seems things have changed, and I think that you're the one to blame.
Dear Penis, I don't like you anymore

(He sings)

Dear Rodney, I don't think I like you anymore.
'Cause when you get to drinkin',
You put me places I've never been before.
Dear Rodney, I don't like you anymore.

Why can't we just get a grip
On our man-to-hand relationship
And come to terms with truly how we feel?

If we put our heads together,
We'd just stay home forever.
Dear Penis, I think I like you afterall.
Oh and Rodney, while you're shaving, shave my balls.

The name "Jeff" is ringing back to my ears. I mentioned about the first guy I fell in love with in yesterday's post. Yes, "Jeff" is his name. It's Jefferson actually. And I still have his picture in a frame!! He was one of my roommate back in college, who, along with my other roommates I became close with. But through the years, I lost contact with some of them even Jeff. I am older than Jeff. When I graduated from college, he was, if I am not mistaken in his third year.

I couldn't say we became a couple then. He was straight, unfortunately, but he knows my feelings towards this guy. We were close, but not as close as I had wanted. Anyway, he's all I've been thinking of yesterday and today, remembering back the memories of pain, joy and -- well -- my crazy feelings that lasted for four years! i even made a "goodbye/love letter" which I never actually gave to him but kept it. I wrote that letter having in mind that I was letting go of my feelings since I was stressing over nothing. But - I wasn't able to let go of that feeling until I graduated. Even after two years after graduation. I guess the feeling just kind of died down in his absence. It's funny that i still keep that letter as well. Upon remembering that I made that letter in the instance of my crazy-young-love I looked for it to share it here. That letter was suppose to be my secret alone but back in the day my roommate/friend Lee Jack and Godwin did find that letter either in my locker or under my pillow. It is still fresh to me that they qouted several words there and spread it in the boarding house. Of course, I was so ashamed of what they did but I can't deny it. Even if they always include that "qouted words" from me in our every day conversation inside the boarding house then,not thinking about who will hear it or even thought of considering how I would feel, what I said was true. Jeff even knew about that "famous" "moniker" I had of him. I called him "my TL, my inspiration, my glory". I don't know if it still stand true to what i feel of him, but I know I wont forget Jefferson. So this is that Love Letter.

You haven’t known how much I have adored you, how much you mean to me. You, who gave me worrying moments, who gave me friendship that I unfortunately disregarded because all I want then is not a friend but you as a lover. How stupid of me to have those unrealistic merriments, but nevertheless, you showed me how it is to be in love even without the response every selfish lover desired. I would like to thank you for respecting my decision though I never respected yours. Thank you for being concerned (whatever it may be), for being there when I wanted to set my eyes on you. I Thank you too for looking at me which gives me cracking nerves until now. I like the feeling of it. But most of all, thank you for being a part me. Its really a sad moment for me setting you free but a wonderful moment as well because I finally realized we can never be. I finally realized what a fool I’ve been waiting for you all those days only to see you, only for you to see me, only wishing we could sincerely talk, only for you to love me back. It’s a bitter sweet symphony, Jeff.

I do not know what traits you have that made me fell down on my knees. One thing I know is that you captured my heart from the time I have known you. You stood out among the rest; you’re one of no kind, unique. You may think these feelings and thoughts are delusional, say it whatever it is…delusional, crazy, impaired…whatever. Why? Was it a fault to fall in love with you? I think not. It’s wonderful loving you and never a fault!!

Your looks, my! It makes my heart drop! Those demonic looks? Gus, it rips my heart to joy! You don’t notice that, I’m sure because I’m not even in your dreams, not even in your tongue, not even anywhere in your body. But still you imprisoned me. You are one lucky young man; you have everything I desire…well, almost! You’re like the ideal man. People has to know you before infatuation, love, lust, craving, desire, cupidity can happen.

I desired you. Everything you have, I accepted. Whatever you have been composed of is nothing to me, all I want is you. And you must be thankful I never lust for you…you never knew I respected you more than I respected myself. You are holy to me. I never desired you as the person who could fulfill my eroticism. I never desired to “eat you” nor “drink the life you can bequeath”. Albeit, I desired to hold your hands, to run my fingers into your thick ebon hair, sleep beside you (which I was triumphant because I did on Dec. 7th, of ’98), embrace you, kiss you and the most, you to love me the way I love you, yet impossible.

I am not grieving because I loose. I didn’t loose. In fact, I won. I won myself back! I won in loving you like no one can. And I’m happy. Happy at last!! I was never lost in the wilderness of my journey although I got scars, and bruises, and been beaten to death by unknown imaginations. And it was because you helped me.

You are my Adam, my Romeo, my Goliath, my Joseph…but who does it make me? Sodom perhaps (laugh:} ). You are the music that lifted me to heaven, the air that made me breathe, the clouds who poured me rain, the sun who gave me light, the flower who gave me beauty, the “crayola” who gave my life meaning. You showered unto me the feeling I never had felt before that will never be apart from me. You are everything and I am nothing to you. But still, I thank you for being everything.

I hate to say this but it’s true: you can never have someone like me in your lifetime, and I’m sorry, it’s really your loss not mine.

But in spite of that, I told you once that “I will have you in my heart as I live”. Those are words that will never depart.

Shocks!! That was the lamest, "mushiest", shameful thing i have ever done. But - no regrets. I was unrequitedly in love. I was in love with the right person in a wrong "gender" at a wrong time. That is the first "love letter" I have ever written. Nothing greater was written after that. And I hope that'll not be the last time i will ever scribble love thoughts for some one. I miss Jefferson lately, I really do.

I am lonely.

After pondering on yesterday's post new questions are raised in my head. I can't help to ignore it but I have to recognize & acknowledge all this that’s bothering me. I am not really questioning why my current state happened but it occurred to me how unfair the world is. I am not as well complaining about the seemingly unjust certainties that keep coming in my head or about anything. I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. It’s pretty obvious that the world is full of these complexities and undetermined causes and never ending inquiries. And that’s where all these questions are coming from.

Actually, it’s not only the post yesterday that made me think all sorts of things. You know...*sigh* I am lonely.... Yesterday, Jessa, my mother's help, cleaned my room since I haven’t cleaned it before I left home early last year. I am not sure if they tidied my room when I was gone. Even after I was back with this broken leg and all, my room was a mess. I was actually amazed to see the floor shining and everything dust free. Since my headboard was always a mess with my unpaid phone bills piling up, books, receipts, miniature perfumes, and figures, pins, clips, Polaroid pictures, dust, dust, and more dust I never really looked at what are the things that are suppose to be there and those that shouldn't be. When I gazed towards my headboard, clean and white (the paint is white), I noticed there’s two photo frames: one is a small one and the other is a duck frame which from my recollection, I separated the other half of it which is a clock. I took the small frame, looked at it, and couldn't believe myself that that all these time I still keep that picture: framed and in my headboard! I smirked, grunted, and shook my head. I still have a picture of the person I first fell in love with...in a special frame on a heart shaped cover! Then I smiled. Memories flashed back as if they were just yesterday. I became lonely.

You see, I have realized that in my 25 years (make that 26 in a few more months) I, "One Leg Walking", am still single, dependent, and... miserable. I haven't proven anything, much worse, incapable of doing to get my life worth living. *sigh* This so-called life. I couldn't imagine myself being with the person in that picture, nor can I imagine myself being with anyone else anyway. But looking at his picture gave me the impression and the realization that I have been running away all my life. I mean, there are some feelings or things that I dream of doing but when it's there, I suddenly become oblivious about it. And apathetic towards it. I don't know what my excuses are for doing so. It's just that I have this unthinkable feeling or/of always wanting more. Confusing. Along side with that feeling, I have this tendency to just give up even without proving anything yet. Hence, they say, I don’t have the determination to get it on. True. I don't believe in myself although to some people I am as arrogant as arrogant can be. Perhaps, the arrogance is just to defend my being unable to be true to myself. I am lonely.

Could it be love? That I am loveless in the sense that I am 25 and I don’t have that significant someone to share life with? Or is it because I can’t have enough of what is there? Or possibly because I am looking for something that is not there? Could it be that I don’t know what makes me happy? Is it that I am superficial? Or not superficial? Is it material things? Or is it because I don’t see the reality as they unfold? That I am still hoping for something good, something real, in perfection? Or is it just that I am avoiding the fact that there are no answers to some of these questions? *sigh* all these drama! At times, I wish I could view the world at a different angle.

I do not know what makes me lonely exactly. It couldn't be this broken leg. On second thought, partially, it’s the reason why I am lonely but not the entirety of the experience. I am lonely somebody broke my leg but I am not lonely for having a broken leg. It’s only the circumstance that makes me feel all these things. Or --- even if, I think, I am able, I will still be lonely only that I won't have the time to ponder the reasons why. As a matter of fact, I know I am lonely but because I was able I rarely have the time to deal with the problem. So I guess, what happened to me is already a blessing in disguise. Someone up there wants me to contemplate on my life. Then...sadly...to a greater extent, are underlying questions and rebuttals with the why's and the how's so never ending. I am crazy to look for solid actual answers to all my questions, I know. But, as human with senses that I am, I am lucky I still can feel loneliness…simply for the reason that – I am alive.

It seems a long time already that I haven’t posted on this blog that I keep. For the reason that porn blogs pull me to them almost every login session, among other things, I don’t know what to say or write here and with all these thoughts and ideas jammed up in my head I am always in a sort of lost in ideas.

Today, I woke up rather early than my usual “waking up” time. With nothing else to do so early in the day I logged in and checked emails. There was none, but later, “you’ve got mail” alerted me. I read it, thinking about replying but didn’t. Surf a little bit, visited this blog then I logged off. I ate lunch, went to the backyard and smoke.

While smoking, looking at the clear sky and blazing heat, the green scenery feeling the lovely day…”why do bad things happen to good people” entered my puny head. Why then? Since I printed that email just to test if our printer works I read it again. That statement was written in that email. I came across this question several times in the past not really thinking about how to answer it. In philosophy back in college, we were asked to make a paper with that same exact question. I know I got a good grade on that paper but I cannot remember what I wrote in there. Now, I am faced with the same question verbatimly.

So “why do bad things happen to good people?” If I am gonna answer that in just a snap and not using all my senses, I would normally say “I don’t know”. As a matter of fact, I really don’t know. Let me quote what was stated along with that statement in that email:

I guess we do it because..... No person is going to have the answer to why bad things happen to good people. So we hope to get some comfort by asking God. We know that we will not hear a booming voice from the heavens giving us the answer. But we hope that by asking, it will help us come to our own understanding or at the least accept whatever has happened.

I want to give the stress on “we hope that by asking, it will help us come to our own understanding or at the least accept whatever has happened” . I guess that’ll be the best way to say it that I or some others doesn’t really know but feels. I cannot deny the fact that I asked God that question several times. And even if I try not to ask him that question I still do. I think in all my might to why do bad things happen to good people doesn’t really have the answer to it. Philosophers and ordinary human beings tend to answer that question almost always in the logical way but that may seem just like a defense mechanism sort of thing or sort of comforting words to lessen the burden of the one asking. Even if I drain all my resources to satisfy the questioning heart we really, or make that I, don’t know why bad things happen to good people.

I tried to google the question to aid me from going through the question once more. There were several results and I printed some of them in order for me to read and ponder them on in the bathroom before I take my daily shower. I don’t wanna go through all that I read for it is complex as the question is too complex in itself. But I have understood the question and somehow gave me the understanding as to why bad things happen to good people. You see, I have been in to an accident and broke my leg. My world stopped…and I didn’t ask God at the time the tragedy was so fresh. But later I asked him but not really meaning my question for I know, as the quote said it “We know that we will not hear a booming voice from the heavens giving us the answer”. What happened to me is not actually bad or it doesn’t have any good in it. So I am actually at a black in white mode why this happened to me. People close to me have these never ending comforting words of “everything happens for a reason” and “when something happens bad, who knows there may be something good to come later”. Those are really comforting words which at least lessen my worries for the time being when my so called life is at halt.

As I read the explanation as to why bad things happen…it came clear to me that God is so good to let things work the way we never understand. And it also came clear to me tha God is just. You see, whatever it is that exist in this world has its own purpose. Whatever happen has its own reason. Bad things occur because God allow it happen. We will ask “why does God allow bad things to happen”? Now that is another question and has its own complex answers. As humans existing in this world, we were given the gift of choice. But in each choice are consequences and rewards. No matter how I discuss all that in to detail…new questions will arise and will lead me away from the main question that came to mind. As we all know everything is full of contradiction, among other vivid contradiction to the question is people get good rewards and vice versa. We don’t know exactly why but choice is playing a great role in the process. Then again, in each choice we make or do are underlying consequences and rewards. It may not be in the exact package as we know it or ask for it or get the rewards sooner than we think…there is judgement to all that. There is always the right time for everything.

My point of the matter is, bad things really do happen to people who don’t deserve it but (as others would say) it is not to punish us. Although it is really painful to even think about it but that’s how life is. That’s how the mystery of this so called life happens. I do not know exactly if what God wants for it to happen but I know He has reasons for everything. I remember what my friend, Maricon, once told me which is entirely new to my ears. She said: “don’t think of it as paying for some of the things you have done but think that you are suffering with God…and because of that, God is with you and he wants to share his life with you”. What came out of my mouth was unexpected: “what if I don’t want to share in in his suffering?” and both of us were speechless. Yes, what if I don’t want to suffer with God? That is another question. But I don’t mean to ask God that question and I don’t want to ask him that question. Neither do I say out loud that I want to suffer with him but whatever God thinks is best for me, let it be. So if he wants me to suffer with him, with open arms I will for I believe in God and he only wants what is best for me. Riggghhttt(!!!) others would think, or I would think sub consciously. But really, who am I to refuse to who has created and given me life?

I know, I didn’t really answer the question at all. That is a really tough question but I know the answer in my heart. Let me give you the big picture to the answer to that question and whoever wrote this should be given credit for:

There once was a farmer who owned a horse. And one day the horse ran away. All the people in the town came to console him because of the loss. "Oh, I don't know," said the farmer, "maybe it's a bad thing and maybe it's not."
A few days later, the horse returned to the farm accompanied by 20 other horses. (Apparently he had found some wild horses and made friends!) All the townspeople came to congratulate him: "Now you have a stable full of horses!" "Oh, I don't know," said the farmer, "maybe it's a good thing and maybe it's not."
A few days later, the farmer's son was out riding one of the new horses. The horse got wild and threw him off, breaking the son's leg. So all the people in town came to console the farmer because of the accident. "Oh, I don't know," said the farmer, "maybe it's a bad thing and maybe it's not."
A few days later, the government declared war and instituted a draft of all able-bodied young men. They came to the town and carted off hundreds of young men, except for the farmer's son who had a broken leg. "Now I know," said the farmer, "that it was a good thing my horse ran away."

And finally this poem in one of the texts that I have read also gave me the right answer to the question:

I asked for strength and
God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and
God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity and
God gave me brawn and brain to work.

I asked for courage and
God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love and
God gave me troubled people to help...

My prayers were answered.

This is where the some of the ideas came from:Why Do Bad things happen to Good People.

Whoever came up with the idea of creating DudesNude has brilliant mind! Imagine a lot of gay men who wants to experience the gay scene which they cant openly achieve, dudesnude answers all that. Think about the closeted gays who wanna came out but just cant. They have dudenude to at least make them feel they belong. Think about every gay men's sexual fantasy in to reality: that is because of DudesNude! And think about gay men who dont have access to porn sites, like me for example, we have dudesnude to cover our desires in a moment or two! Hehehehehe! Oh so brilliant idea! I salute DudesNude! Well - let me have the chance to browse men profiles right now, and see who will get me to drool. Geez! I am starved. hehehehehe

It came to my attention why I started blogging anyway. Why?

Let me answer that in the normal free flowing thoughts. At first I decided to blog in order to keep me away from boredom since I will be stuck home for sometime. i dont know when will I be able to stand up and do my normal way of life as before and that means I will be a useless creature. In order for me to keep my senses, my skills, or whatever I am capable of doing when it comes to mental activities, I decided to blog. The thing is I dont know what I will be writing about. I am aware I dont know how to write nor express my thoughts in a formal less incoherent way and that will be too boring for any visitors here. Well - nobody reads anything in a certain blog like this which has long paragraphs and everything text so I am safe if no one reads here. If they just happen to be here by accident, then see in no attention what is in here then again I, for the love of God, am safe! They wouldn't notice my stupid nonsense rants. But for those who painstakingly read and decipher what i really mean in everything that i say, i praise and thank you for your effort.

I also decided to blog to update my friends about whats happening to me after the tragic turn of events while vacationing where home is, but I am not sure if they actually visit my blog. In case they dont, there are two things I have in mind why they dont. One: They are either busy with work to mix what they do with their online pleasure or/and they dont have easy access to computer much worse renting internet services in a cafe proved to be not included in their budget. And if ever they do they go to the most important thing there is: emails and friendster. Two: They don't really care about what I say or write since I am no good at expressing myself in writing. But no worries on my part, at least they wouldn't know my heartfelt thoughts or my intimate desires about sex, love, and some necessary evils. People whom I dont know that visit here are okay. They, afterall, don't know me personally, physically, so that wont do any harm at all.

I also blog so to enjoy myself online, express what i feel, what is in my deteriorating head. Other than that i cannot deny the fact that i want to be heard or at least be recognized for something - which I am really not sure of. When I decided to have a blog there were several ideas in my head as to what should I talk about. First, i thought to myself, I will share everything that happens to me. But I realized no one really cares what time i wake up, what I am doing or what I did for the day. Especially that there's nothing much to share about me since I am limited to the four corners of this house. Second, I thought of posting pictures of myself and whoever is in close contact with me here in the neighborhood but thats too risky since my neighbors might not like the idea of their picture posted on the WWW. However in some cases, I still will post pictures of myself and people whom I know. Then the idea of making a gossip blog. The problem is I dont really go for gossips or anything celebrity at all, only on a few instances where I am captivated by certain personalities in a way i cannot describe nor understand. I also tried raiding blogs with anything that will interest me but running on a dial up access and a slow computer drains all my energy. I still do raid blogs for information which I can share but then again, i told myself, "who the hell cares about what excites me anyway??"

I also thought about making a porn blog. The problem with that is that I have no access to anything porn except those free porn sites that actually has this annoying syware/adware and damn pop - ups along with it! So I rarely visit those sites. Another problem with having a porn blog is that, even if unsure, people who know me back in highschool and college as well as friends and family might accidentally be referred to this blog. I dont want them to think I've gone really perverted. In this country where a number of people like sex, do sex, like seeing naked men and women doesnt actually talk about it freely unless it is within the norm of every conversation or is talked with close friends. well - if I think about people broadcasting to the whole community about their sex life, or their voyeurism or fantasies about sex are crazy, then I am crazy. I wanna blog like it (which I am considering of doing now), then its like telling the whole world I am a perverted, maniac who wants nothing but sex sex sex - or cock cock cock~! But dont get me wrong. I am not a pervert, a maniac, but i like sex...well, who doesn't?

Well If we are to define the word "pervert"

per·vert (pr-vûrt)
tr.v. per·vert·ed, per·vert·ing, per·verts
1. To cause to turn away from what is right, proper, or good; corrupt.
2. To bring to a bad or worse condition; debase.
3. To put to a wrong or improper use; misuse. See Synonyms at corrupt.
4. To interpret incorrectly; misconstrue or distort: an analysis that perverts the meaning of the poem.
n. (pûrvûrt)
One who practices sexual perversion.

And if sexual perversion will be looked into

Noun 1. sexual perversion - an aberrant sexual practice that is preferred to normal intercourse
perversion
paraphilia - abnormal sexual activity
sex, sex activity, sexual activity, sexual practice - activities associated with sexual intercourse; "they had sex in the back seat"
anal intercourse, anal sex, buggery, sodomy - anal intercourse committed by a man with a man or woman
oral sex, head - oral-genital stimulation; "they say he gives good head"

Then I guess I am a pervert! Huuuuwwwwaaaaattt??? Nooh! It will be a long discussion to talk about all these. I still like the normal way of having sex but the gay sexual act will be contrary to what "sexual perversion" as defined (by the free dictionary) means. A series of debates will be concluded to answer all that. But one thing: what is right for you may not well ne necessarily right for them, or me.

Forgive me but there is a reason why I like sex - I dont get any!!! It is a common notion, which by the way in general, that once gay will always connotes sex, cock lovers, hungry for sex blah blah blahs. I really hate it when people label gay men like that since not all gay men are like that. Yes, for one thing which is true, they love cocks not cunts but it doesnt mean a gay man cannot live without cocks to suck or cocks to dominate them! Wanting a cock in a right time at a right place is always a must. Who doesn't do that? Be it homosexuals, heterosexuals, man or a woman, seeking for sex will always be at a right time and place. Alright, enough - before i go anywhere other than what my subject of this post is!

Then I also thought of browsing profile sites and giving comments to whatever I see which I like, dont like, agree on, don't agree on. The problem is, I am no comment-giver. I am lame in that area or let's put it this way

"I am no good at anything"

As well as looking intricately on KARMA, I cannot bear people telling me of what they think of me negatively. I'd rather not know it. But you see, i am a fool to want everything positive. Negativity is always a part of everything so, even if I abhor them, i will be forced to welcome them. Well - I will still browse profile sites and will post here only the best of my desires.


From the original question Why I started Blogging it seems i am talking about What do I wanna blog about?. So, what do i want on my blog? Let me divert my attention to that new question. Actually, I dont know where I am going but I am a fan of porn. Who isnt? I like seeing naked men stroking their cocks but that is it. It will not define me as a person nor will describe my entity. Why am I saying this? If I want to post naked men here why the lenghty explanation? This is for straight people who know me who happen to be here and will judge me negatively after. I guess its time to liberate myself. I like seeing men and if you have a problem about that ya straight people - melt and evaporate! Heheheh. I will and will always be gay and will like men (Sorry ladies) but that will not make me hungry for men nor cannot live without naked men or men alone. hehehehe So To those who know me who happen to be here, be you a family member or a close friend or who just happen to know me as I exist, do not judge me or think of me as a guy who wants nothing but sex. I am still the person that I am: No boyfriend since birth, "undersexed", silent but loud, loving but at times very mean human being. However, I have no control over whatever you say or think.

Anyway, this blog, from now on will be a sort of everything especially gay men. gay naked men. gay humor. everything gay. But i will make it as "wholesome" as possible so as not to shock my close friends whom I told about this blog. I will still mention little about what I do for a certain day, what i am thinking or in my bliss and sorrow just to balance everything. For now, I must eat breakfast and sleep. Its 6:15 AM.

I dont know what to write...and I am always like that. When there's something too much on my head I dont know which should I focus on. hence, the free flow.

Well - I am tired. I need a life. I need a job. I need a man. I need a good life, oh I just need LOVE! Errr -- not Love alone. In this Life, we need MONEY, and Relationship, and friends and... and... more money. Fuck! I want a good LIFE!

--------------------------------------------------------
oh maybe LOVE will be everything since MONEY cannot buy everything

I found this photo in my other memory card yesterday and I thought i'd share. That's me, my good friend Carmen and Godwin at MarketMarket! mall sometime July last year before going to work. ;-)

This post must’ve been last night’s but my friend LJ came over and brought me his cork remover. We’re suppose to drink the wine I have to celebrate my bone growth but we had coffee instead and cigarettes, FORTUNE menthol cigarettes! I know. Downgrade. We chatted all sorts of things: sex, tv, celebrities, the government, politics, gay people, college life blah blah. We chatted till the sunrise.

Anyway, my sister is thinking about buying a new phone since what she have is not functioning properly anymore. Her phone is actually what I am using right now and she’s using my phone. I was browsing GSMarena for phone models she asked me to look at, particularly Samsung phones. Well – nothing exciting about that but I just wanna share.

She has $200 budget for a new phone, my sister in Dubai gave her as her graduation gift. Yeah, my youngest sister is finally graduating from college this Friday. Now she hasn’t exchanged her money yet and since the peso is growing and in exchange to that, the dollar rate is going down, her $200 value in peso will be less than what she expected earlier. New phone models are damn expensive! For $200 you can get and nice phone but not as good as the newer ones, feature wise. Well of course! I was telling her to get a good phone specially eyeing on certain features like Bluetooth, 1px or higher picture resolution, video recording, and mp3 capable. With memory card slot is a plus. MMS, text capability and of course voice calls are given to phones obviously. If she can find anything, any model with that feature, for $200 or less she must grab it! The thing is, phone models are limited here. Well - I am sure if she look further she’ll be able to find a good phone for $200.


My phone is the N7610. It is good. I kinda love that phone although newer ones are getting my full attention. Only that I cant afford any of them! So I’ll stick with my N7610. Anyway, it has the features that I really need. I even get to use it as my iPod! Like an iPod. I don’t have an iPod but I can store up to 20 songs in a separate memory card anyway, so it works just like the regular iPod shuffle. The important thing is it has camera and video recording and Bluetooth.


My sister is thinking of settling for the MotoRazr. Since my sister in Dubai is using that phone, where I got to use before she left, I told her to buy anything but MotoRazr! I don’t like that phone! With regards to design, it’s great but memory, functionality speaking - BOOO! That’s my opinion though since I am particular with certain features that I need and want. But if you just need it for communication and all, I guess it’s a good choice.




Browsing Samsung phones, I liked the e360 and the z310. The latter is the one I would want, if I were to be asked. The e360 is fine because FM radio is one of its features, so that’s fine. I am not sure if those are available in stores here but I told my sister those models are OK, especially the z310, but that depends on the price. Her money might not be enough to purchase it. Oh well – it’s her phone so it’s her decision. I just want my phone back. ☺☺☺

Happy weekend!

Mine is goin to be a happy one! i met with my doctor on March 9 at 3pm. That day by the way is exactly the 6th month of the accident and operation. So its been 6 months that I have been disabled, with broken bone, a disgusting life, lost my job, no income and useless in all its simplicity. But - my recent doctor's visit is good news to me. On my x - ray which I posted here below showed good improvement. It is finally forming, mending itself. My very handsome doctor, Dr. Joseph Rebulado advised me to use full weight when I walk, which I am following now unlike before. Now that I have seen it for myself that my bone is finally doing its job, I am following my doctor's advise with no hesitation.


Click to see a larger image
I have another appointment with him on May 6. That's 2 months to wait. Before then we are anticipating intensive bone growth especially on the crack where the removed bone fragment was. It is forming by the looks of it. And the best news that I got? No operation!!! Well - he didn't say it actually but with no mention of it - it means none at all, at least for now. I was to celebrate the good development that day and have a bottle of wine but i dont have anything to take the cork off the bottle so I passed. ;-)

I am soo happy - altho not quite. I still have to be careful. My bone hasn't put itself back together yet. But with the results of the recent check - up, I am on high hopes!!

This one's entertaining. Hmmm..i think they want to take home a trophy from the Oscars. ;-) Such stupid acts from not so stupid boys!



??? What's with the tongue stickin' out???? Trivia: Do you know what they say about people with long tongues?? That they have long dicks! Yeaahhhh! :-)

Such a feeling's coming over me la la la la la la la...

That just came in my mind thinking how should I start my post for tonight. Several thoughts ramble in my head but I cannot decide which should go first. So I guess I'll just have to type anything.
Earlier, I got this email which I appreciate very much. I am not sure if that person would agree of me posting his personal message here but I just wanna share how deeply appreciated his email is. Thank You!



Click to read the Message

As well as this person who I constantly message at dudesnude.com.


And speaking of dudesnude, I am thinking of deleting every account I have on all profile sites. I don't know what came over me, but it occurred to me that I am just wasting my time and fooling people into thinking I am able and will want their desires. Well - I don't tell them everything, just tell them what they wanna "read" because you will know it from their messages - mostly carnal/sexual desires - so I play along. Only a few would really want to get to know you - me. And that's the time I tell them my condition. Of course I wanna get to know them as well even the sexually explicit ones but I anticipate - and I know - they wouldn't waste their time or my time foolin' around with me.

I am scared, but my fear will bring me nowhere. During the weekend I was contemplating on what I would do, what would happen to me, what I lost, and the time wasted back then bumming. I know, there's no point thinking about every thing that has happened or what would happen to me in the future. It's such a cliche to hear people say "focus on what's the present", true, but some people find it hard to focus on the "now". Sometimes, I try to make every day as it was before but it just cant be. I try to deviate my attention so I wouldn't feel bored or pity myself for what happened to me. I try not to be mad at what happened to me or to whoever did this to me. As a matter of fact, I was thinking of naming who that is here but on second thought, I don't have a solid evidence. I don't wanan risk it and get the consequences later on. It just pierce me deeply when these things come to my mind and I cant help but be sad.

I am fighting my days. I am trying to make my days as normal as possible even if a majority of differences can well be seen from what I was accustomed. I look at what I desire to see, hence, the boys on the web. HEHEHEHE. At least, with that, I tend to forget what I am suffering from - then again - what's the point looking at these men that make me drool, salivate and even be in heat. I can't get them, I can't have them. What a fool!

I read and watch gossips to make me be in the know and, just to have something to kill my time day to day. I feel like a prisoner sometimes, you know. But I am fighting that. I try to make this fucking blog as lively as possible, but that is nuts! What exudes in me is really not a funny person, but a "trying hard" to be funny person. I know, I am full of drama and nobody likes that. Neither do I like fucking dramas. See, drama is part of everything, you know, but it is like something everybody knows but doesn't talk about it. I don't know why you have to pay for someone to hear your sadness and help you with it. Sad.

Whew, that is just life - c'est la vie. Weird but a very interesting roller coaster ride. Now that just made me think of my friend Carmen - who is very lonely skin deep but very strong in keeping her senses and still be the sincerest, most sensible girl I know. I miss her and I miss our "drama" talks. At least with her, I don't need to pay to share my drama with :-)

I really cant help think what will happen to me in the next days and that scares the hell out of me. I don't wanna live my entire life crippled. I don't wanna be useless. I wanna still live my dreams. My broken dreams. So many things I wanna do, walking. I wanna see ME doing everything I have in mind of doing with my legs fully able. This is a sad post. I get sadder every day now. However, I am glad to still have my good friend Lee Jack visiting me from time to time and making me laugh and feeding me with information from the outside world, you know, the outside world I don't see physically. And thanks to this computer, which is by the way on its way to "extinction". That said, I might not be able to be online in the next days. I don't know whets happening to this machine. And I am just not so sure how my appointment with my doctor will go tomorrow. But I am ready emotionally if I hear in his mouth "I need to admit you to the hospital for another operation." But I may postpone that till I am physically ready.

Haah!!

Its almost 8am still awake and online. Good thing I have nothing important to do except, of course, to watch out my broken boner - err - did I just say "boner"? LOL Bone I mean.

So new template on here showing the cool summer! It's finally summer season in the tropics once again and this means soo much for us! Beach! Fiestas! Never ending celebration especially here in my town until MAY!! But - Sadly I will not be able to be a part in any of it!

Well - Summer it is! And gotta go lovin the sun and the fun!

Perhaps i should share to my readers (if ever there are readers) as well as to my friends out there so I could refrain from starting my stories regarding my accident from day 1 until recent. Herewith is a picture of myself on late october last year after a month and 2 weeks from the accident and surgery. I also included the last x - ray i had on January 3, '06.


Click for a larger image

It shows how badly beaten my bone was from the accident and i am convinced my healing will take more than a year. Earlier, i was reading similar experiences posted on My Broken Leg especially on Elaine's case. She suggested an open reduction to her doctor but the doctor did rodding instead. If I can remember correctly and exactly, my doctor said my fracture is a "comminuted fracture of the tibia III" and I later on knew i also have a transverse fracture on my fibula. I mean I knew from the start but i just dont know exactly what it is called. Elaine, on the other hand had a spiral, comminuted fracture of the distal tibia and fibula. Yet researching on my case from browsing the web, i think i can consider my fracture "spiral" as well. My doctor did an open reduction and i dont clearly understand what an open reduction is. He did rodding as well, since there's the visible presence of that hardware inside my bone! With little researching about my case, I read on my sister's (the one in Dubai, she a PT graduate) textbook that comminuted fracture, more often not, undergo another surgery, be it bone grafting or any other possible ways the doctor decides on. Elaine did all the second surgery after a year with a complicated fracture due to weight bearing. Her surgery actually included the bone grafting part and sewing the bones into compression using skinny wires. Now THAT - is indeed scary! I dont want to go through all that that's why i postponed my doctor's visit.

I actually did not understand Elaine's situation perfectly well because of the clinical terminologies I am not aware of but well with the fracture and some of the treatments she had at first. But i fully understood the doctor's advises that she was told since it was exactly similar to mine (which I actually didnt religiously followed, apparently). She was advised to do full weight bearing in three months time. i was exactly told the same thing. Again, i didnt actually followed that. reading through Elaine's testimonials, the screws that locked the rod in the bone was broken and it was due to the weight bearing she put on when she walks. When I was told to do partial weight bearing to full weight bearing, my doctor also reminded me to be aware of the possibilities that my bone can be displaced so I should "watch" every move. Of course, I have that in mind since I dont fully agree with weight bearing in reference to the damage I can see on my bone. The X - rays you see are taken on January 3rd, more than 3 months after surgery (6 more days left to complete 4 months.). My uncle is a registered x- ray technologist and he told me then (on January 3)that my bone is showing some progress, that there was callous formation. But I couldn't see that comparing it with previous x- rays. However the doctor assured me that there was little callous formation (on that area where single arrow with no color is directed as shown in my photo). Then that's when he told me to do full weight bearing from then on and take caution of the weight as well. Again, i didnt follow that 100%. I do weight bearing but i dont give my full weight on it since I dont want to complicate the fracture more than it is now. That's my assumption, and logic to it. And was proved so in Elaine's case

On Feb 28th i had an appointment with him. I didnt go. I was afraid of what he might tell me. During the last time he told me that if there's no good development with regards to bone formation he will take out the screw below the knee which holds the rod. The next thing he told me scared me. He said he will also do bone marrow injection on my leg and showed me how he will do it. Large needle drilling my pelvic bone to suck marrow from and transfer it to my leg is just too much to make me run and hide to avoid that. But that's impossible :-). I guess it is better than scraping a part of my bone in the pelvis and screwing it on the broken bone.

On Elaine's case, she went through too many surgeries and the trouble of all that. She did bone grafting sewing the bones into compression using skinny wires as mentioned above. There were several procedures done to her that i cannot imagine vividly. I am scared because i dont want to go through what she went through not to mention the monetary aspect of it. Tuesday will be the day to go to my orthopedic surgeon. And I just hope its all good news! I dont want another needle, anesthesia, the CATHETER(!!!) and all that's needed in that course! Speaking of catheter, I cant help but think of feeling abused. Funny, but it seems to me like a very huge member abused my sooo very little hole.

I like blogging! Did I say that before? Maybe not. but I like to blog more than ever!!!

I only hope I will get better in the next few months - be able to walk - scout on the streets of my town and possibly go back to Makati and continue my halted career because of the accident that never ever crossed my mind! I am a One Leg Walking dude right now, and I hope sooner it will be legs walking LOL and finally get on with what's out there and probably share what goes around.

I told my grandma this afternoon that i wasn't able to tell my mother when to reschedule me for the doctor's visit. She told me my mother signed up for a saturday appointment. This saturday. Thats scary. i will be crossing my fingers from now until i face my doctor. I just can't clear my mind of this anxiety and anticipation of what is to happen to me in the next days. *Sigh* For the record: I want to keep both of my leg. I dont care how many scars it can have, as long as I keep my body parts from the moment i came out in this world, is what i am after! So therefore, operation or no operation - let me ready myself for that. I want to get better.

Ok. So i love blogging, like i said a while ago. And i found blogs proudly filipino made! Alright. Its really strange you know, because when I woke up today and the temperature so hot, I began reading an old newspaper dated February 11. I came across the column OUT The Window with the title The Solitary Adventures of CUPID in the 21st Century written by Tals Diaz and searching over the internet I found a link of the same exact write up, just so i'd share how wonderful her story is putting her self on the wings of Cupid. In there, her as cupid browsing the world wide web she came across this email circulating with the so-called The Atrocities of Friendster. We all know what Friendster is i assume?

So that's where it all started. Earlier tonight while i was doing my random blog browsing and suddenly remembered to visit my friend's new blog Auxed for new posts but there was none. Then, i check for links. I read DUDE on his page and that is catchy, afterall, i am gay, and "dudes" ring my bell. Curious with what appears as I hover the link, it says, Are you in the Mood for some Dude?. So i click on since that sounds like another gay blog. Reading through the page my eyes gazed on The Atrocities of Friendster which is luckily a link and directed me to a very very very interesting blog! At first I thought, this guy's a freak, mean, and super duper twisted but it turns out he is outrageously funny! Annoying, but extremely 100% laughter! What's interesting is his mockery that has a certain flavor to his reader with what he finds in Friendster. And so, the creation of The Atrocities of Friendster which comes in 4 volumes and I believe will go on all the way the more there'd be cunning photos and the pics to - cruel as it may sound - laugh at beacuse of its ugliness. :-) Here are the links:

The Atrocities of Friendster Vol. 1
The Atrocities of Friendster Vol. 2
The Atrocities of Friendster Vol. 3
The Atrocities of Friendster Vol. 4

And just a little bonus which made me laugh more than i use to is this:

How Adsense pollutes the blogosphere: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SAM OF PINOY BIG BROTHER!

I browse Friendster or Myspace as well to raid it with something ultra funny but i dont think i have the power to mock or even just comment lavishly and play with the words so it would appear nonetheless threatening or heartbreaking to whoever is the poor subject. albeit degrading, oh i love the publisher! (Errrr - not becuase he's male ok!?!) I have another blog to consider reading everyday aside from Pink is the New Blog and QUEERCLICK and WayBig. Because i am having this spur of the moment obsession on what he has on his blog, it is just normal to find out who is behind all these strong words. Fortunately, i was able to find out who the devil is ;-). Even his interview with You is hilarious. So he's gifted with words and all. Read his interview here Hey Mikey!

It came to my puny brain that blogging is huge out there. i am exactly unsure when did http://i.ph started. its, by the way, another blog hosting website like Blogger, and they have a huge community of bloggers out there. Of course, same with most blog hosting sites. But this is diffirent. They are filipinos. I am filipino. This may look like I was only born yesterday even if i have been online since 1998. Ok, forgive me, porn is very addictive so i guess i spent much time porn browsing in those years hehehehe and trapped me in the porn world rather than enabling myself to be in the know! LOL. Inquirer (one of the national paper) is also featuring blog addicts particularly on YOU section every week. really, i didnt know blogging is not so new in the philippines.

Like i said before, i was introduced to blogging between 5 -7 years ago but never really had much time to do it and almost always with hazy ideas. i never knew the free flow of thoughts before since, again, was hooked on porn and, not to mention, chatting! Now i am way over parking my id on chatrooms but a little less over with porn. I admit, seeing naked men is just a daily vitamin for me. LOL

Alright, thats the day. Rustom Padilla is Out. I am so proud of him, yet another gay in the pool. Astrocities of friendster shenanigans which is hilarious for me, and well, several blogs of notice which are proudly filipino! Go pinoys!




Wait! just one moment of thinking... weird! i dont know, i am not sure but one thing: The Id Configuration is or maybe, due to lack of vocabulary, shall i say misunderstood! It is an interesting read, his blog i mean, and some linky lurves. catchy, affective, and would immensely outrage people who read it who has a strong belief or stand of his own. well, I am actually the "wa care" type of person altho some things pierce me deeply i just shrug my shoulder on it. Ok ok ok.. i am making no sense. i just dont get it (reading through that blog including comments and all), it doesnt sound peaceful. I mean, it could be likened to the real world, the government that we have, full of opinionated people battling or say, wanna be heard or read. Now that got me confused! Who am I addressing that to? Comments? Id Configuration's post? I dont know. Anyway, it is still an interesting read but some of the comments make me think twice. I just dont care how it will affect me or anyone. As long i am happy with what i am reading, i go!

Pinoy Big Brother's Episode just over for tonight. So he's gay! He admit now that he's gay! So? Well Rustom Padilla! be Merry. you're not alone. There's one hell of a pool of gay men in this world, just dont mind the other fucking gays who are impossible to heed.

I like recognition even if its just little. Thank You QueerClick, my eyes are always full everyday! ;-)

Oh by the way. The last time I was here before my grandpa's birthday, my counter doubled and visitors from one country (US) was times 4 the last time. Sadly, my Neoworx 14 day trial ended today. i am glad about the hits though. Thank Yous!

So its March 1st and Ash Wednesday! Yesterday I thought today's the 29th, and there's no 29th this year,my bad! Well - i guess i am getting a little anxious about my supposed to be doctor's visit. Two days before the 28th I was feeling a little pain on my leg, and that happens every time there's a check up. I still kinda feel that little pain. Weird. Talk about psychosomatic illness!

Anyway, during the weekend, I watched 5 DVD's. Finally, I've seen Brokeback Mountain. Well, it was an OK movie. I cried. Nonetheless, its an a ok movie. I also watched In her Shoes, The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Raising Helen. Raising Helen is a good movie too as well as Narnia. I missed doing that - watching movies one after the other, at home, getting too laid back and all. Its been years since I last did that. It was fun!!! I should do that more often.


I borrowed Brokeback Mountain from my friend Lee Jack and some gay porn VCDs.

Speaking of gay porn, I watched all 5 gay porn vcd's (and you know what I did hehehe) I borrowed from Lee Jack. I was particularly interested in the Oral Exam because Man! i saw a huge cock! Super duper Huge!!!
I did a little research over the internet about who that guy was and I came up with his picture and a little information. The first scene of that Oral Exam was that Chad Hunt sitting on a toilet bowl and then came this guy and began sucking that enormous cock! I was actually laughing when the guy sucking Chad Hunt gagged and was panting, catching breath! Deep throating an 11" thick cock which almost resembles a baby's arm, could kill you know! hahaha. I mean - I could die if I was sucking that massive member!

But I guess Mr. Hunt is retired from the gay porn industry. Gaypornblog.Com has the story.

Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition is making a lotta noise lately. Alec Bovic, got a new do. She shaved her head in exchange of a good deed. As well as Rico. Mang Rudy left the house last Saturday. He was the first officially evicted out of Brother's house. Angela left first, then Gretchen, was given a 24 hour limit to fix her problem with the Air Force. She was able to come back - Safe! But Mitch was forcefully evicted due to some health reasons. She had an anxiety attack which was triggered when she and Keana fought over something Mitch misunderstood. So that was a bad ending for her stay at Kuya's House. Tonight they might show the video message she has for the housemates.


Click to view larger image
But the "must see tonight will be this revelation Rustom is about to unfold to Keana. i am sure fanatics with 24/7 access have already known what this is. I am predicting that would be about his sexuality (he was rumored gay after his break up with wife Carmina). I am sure it would be that. Whats amazing on that particular scene was that there's a big butterfly, more like of a moth, which landed on Rustom. That creature climbed Rustom's leg until it finally landed on his face then flew away. Strange. But for us filipinos, whenever there's something like that, especially a strange looking butterfly, it means something superstitious. I dont know what it is but elders has a lot of interpretation on that.

Lastly, for this post - What about this one hell of a nice picture!!!! Yummy Ryan Seacrest! i have a huge crush on Ryan... and have jerked off imagining him several times back! hahahaha Now I saw him in briefs! Thanks QueerClick! You know what i just need! hahaha my taste! Yummy bulge, i think it needs good rubbing, doncha think? LOL

i was supposed to go to my doctor this morning (thats the 28th, its 29th already) for another x-ray check up on my broken leg but i didnt not go. The night before, I was battling if I should go or shouldn't go and it turned out I didnt because I wasnt able to wake up in the morning. I woke up after lunch when my mother came home to wake me up. hahaha. she came home just to wake me up. What a useless ass I am!! No- actually, she came home to remind me as well about the check - up but she need not to. I have every schedules in my head. It's just that I didnt inform her or anyone that i am not going to see the doctor - well - at least for now.

I am just not ready to hear what he is going to say to me.

Later in the afternoon my friend, Lee Jack called me up to ask me what did the doctor say since he was here home the night before. I told him, I didnt go. I dont want bad news.

I know. There may be some good developments regarding the healing process but what if there's none? I am just not ready for another operation. The last time the doctor said to me 2 months ago was that, if there would be no good development, no good callous formation (the last x-ray showed little callous formation. 4 months after the accident.), he is going to remove one screw below the knee and he will perform bone marrow injection. That - I am not ready! Financially and physically.

I asked my mom to go to the clinic to reschedule an appointment with my doctor but i wasnt able to tell her when. The clinic is open only every tuesdays and thursday. I am thinking, maybe next tuesday i can face my fear.

well- Its been days. I was just too lazy to turn the computer on. And too lazy to surf. Last friday i went online just to check mails and Pink is the New Blog. I was thinking of posting a picture during my grandpa's birthday (which didnt go well for me but for my grandpa, i dont know). I was expecting only close family but it turned out to be a celebration with non family members. Neighbors came, "colleagues" of my mother, and my grandma's amiga. In turn, I invited Lee Jack over and three of my gay friends (just to hook them up with the neighbors - boys). There was karaoke/videoke so few neighbors came.

haaahh. i am fucking scared of what is to come. I dont want another fucking operation. I dont want large needles drilling my pelvic bones sucking bone marrows and injecting it on my leg and in to my bone! i sooo fucking dont want that!!! But - well - I dont know. I am just not ready for anything. I am at a loss.