I am lonely.

After pondering on yesterday's post new questions are raised in my head. I can't help to ignore it but I have to recognize & acknowledge all this that’s bothering me. I am not really questioning why my current state happened but it occurred to me how unfair the world is. I am not as well complaining about the seemingly unjust certainties that keep coming in my head or about anything. I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. It’s pretty obvious that the world is full of these complexities and undetermined causes and never ending inquiries. And that’s where all these questions are coming from.

Actually, it’s not only the post yesterday that made me think all sorts of things. You know...*sigh* I am lonely.... Yesterday, Jessa, my mother's help, cleaned my room since I haven’t cleaned it before I left home early last year. I am not sure if they tidied my room when I was gone. Even after I was back with this broken leg and all, my room was a mess. I was actually amazed to see the floor shining and everything dust free. Since my headboard was always a mess with my unpaid phone bills piling up, books, receipts, miniature perfumes, and figures, pins, clips, Polaroid pictures, dust, dust, and more dust I never really looked at what are the things that are suppose to be there and those that shouldn't be. When I gazed towards my headboard, clean and white (the paint is white), I noticed there’s two photo frames: one is a small one and the other is a duck frame which from my recollection, I separated the other half of it which is a clock. I took the small frame, looked at it, and couldn't believe myself that that all these time I still keep that picture: framed and in my headboard! I smirked, grunted, and shook my head. I still have a picture of the person I first fell in love with...in a special frame on a heart shaped cover! Then I smiled. Memories flashed back as if they were just yesterday. I became lonely.

You see, I have realized that in my 25 years (make that 26 in a few more months) I, "One Leg Walking", am still single, dependent, and... miserable. I haven't proven anything, much worse, incapable of doing to get my life worth living. *sigh* This so-called life. I couldn't imagine myself being with the person in that picture, nor can I imagine myself being with anyone else anyway. But looking at his picture gave me the impression and the realization that I have been running away all my life. I mean, there are some feelings or things that I dream of doing but when it's there, I suddenly become oblivious about it. And apathetic towards it. I don't know what my excuses are for doing so. It's just that I have this unthinkable feeling or/of always wanting more. Confusing. Along side with that feeling, I have this tendency to just give up even without proving anything yet. Hence, they say, I don’t have the determination to get it on. True. I don't believe in myself although to some people I am as arrogant as arrogant can be. Perhaps, the arrogance is just to defend my being unable to be true to myself. I am lonely.

Could it be love? That I am loveless in the sense that I am 25 and I don’t have that significant someone to share life with? Or is it because I can’t have enough of what is there? Or possibly because I am looking for something that is not there? Could it be that I don’t know what makes me happy? Is it that I am superficial? Or not superficial? Is it material things? Or is it because I don’t see the reality as they unfold? That I am still hoping for something good, something real, in perfection? Or is it just that I am avoiding the fact that there are no answers to some of these questions? *sigh* all these drama! At times, I wish I could view the world at a different angle.

I do not know what makes me lonely exactly. It couldn't be this broken leg. On second thought, partially, it’s the reason why I am lonely but not the entirety of the experience. I am lonely somebody broke my leg but I am not lonely for having a broken leg. It’s only the circumstance that makes me feel all these things. Or --- even if, I think, I am able, I will still be lonely only that I won't have the time to ponder the reasons why. As a matter of fact, I know I am lonely but because I was able I rarely have the time to deal with the problem. So I guess, what happened to me is already a blessing in disguise. Someone up there wants me to contemplate on my life. Then...sadly...to a greater extent, are underlying questions and rebuttals with the why's and the how's so never ending. I am crazy to look for solid actual answers to all my questions, I know. But, as human with senses that I am, I am lucky I still can feel loneliness…simply for the reason that – I am alive.