I wonder what is there in the next 5 years. Will I’ll be richer? So much in love with the man I have been searching for all this life? Or will I still be alive then?
Each day that passes I can’t help but wonder what’s next.

And each time of every day there never is a time where I scan the crowd in search of this great love. What a pity! I am lonely being 28 and alone. I have not been very lucky in finding that great love. Neither those in between this great love, say, fling or short term love story. It has yet to occur. It lies in my hands to let it happen, I just don’t know how to make it happen. A single hello to a prospective candidate gets me “bound and gagged”!

What should I do to find this one great love?

I am open to short term love story but the problem is I get obsessed. I wonder if, in theory, my thoughts about being in love to someone are REALLY love or is just a phase of infatuation or me being immature in this area.

I am, I think inlove, but infatuated. I don’t know. It always happens in a very unexpected time and always with the wrong people. I am, as a matter of fact, fighting the feeling I have for someone. True. This kind of man to man love is a hard thing. You can never be sure about the object of the affection’s feelings. And I am beginning to get convinced that, if ever there is such a thing as man to man love story, it is only temporary. A bitter phase in every homosexual dreamer in this heterosexual society. If there ever is a one true man to man love that last for a lifetime, I believe is only a one in a million great loves.

Let me be honest. Generally, a heterosexual human being’s connotation of a gay man is about his actions: numerous one night stands, one partner to another, orgy, basically it all boils down to perversion. Yes, to a normal heterosexual who, in one way or another, is open but somehow despises the gay lifestyle, a gay man is nothing but SEX written all over him.

How many gay men are there in this world who does not patronize sex? Sex with, if possible, to every hot man they come across with? I’ll not wash my hands on this one. I honestly have this kind of feeling sometimes. Call me twisted but a guy like me, who is single, aloof, have a world of his own couldn’t help but fantasize what is to be carefree, with a sense of sexual adventure, fun, and leniency towards everything about life.

I am, not clinically speaking, obsessive compulsive. I live by the rules. Rules which are societal. A norm. Whenever there is something I did which later on I think is against the norm, I digress. As much as possible I would like to please everyone. And because I am not pleasing everyone, I tend to be aloof. I’d rather be alone than do or say something which might have me cold feet. It is not at all closely OC but because I want to be like perfect in everyone’s eyes, suggests some abnormal behavior I posses. And that said, I agree, I need some behavioral modification treatment. Or worse, psychoanalysis.

I am gay and I am not denying that. But I will not admit I want habitual sex neither casual. I like sex, who doesn’t, but I will not go as far as group sex, or what-have-yous in the porn industry which are rather appalling and repulsive all the same. Admittedly, however horrendous those actions were in porn (gay porn particularly), it is entertaining. It is a sort of fantasy. A wild fantasy which of course is never meant to be applied or make real in one’s experience. What I want is something emotional. Like, as my colleague would always say with conviction, “make LOVE”, with an enormous stress on the word LOVE. Making love can be casual or habitual also but in this sense with the one great love If not with the one in between the search of one great love or short term love story. By those I mean, one on one, no other tentacles attached. And only with the one in the span of that one short love story. Faithful is the word.

Is there going to be a one great love for a gay man like me? Or is it just short term love stories and we move on to finding the next?

That being said sounds like having multiple partners. Like, short term love makes up as an excuse to have multiple partners, one after the other.

But to me that isn’t so. “In betweens” would mean faithful relationship, a monogamous one, not with more than just one in the span of the love story.
You see, who could guess that this “in between”, “short love stories” en route to finding the one great love, can be the one great love afterall? We would never know. It’s a risk to take, you know. A sort of love quest. Or it is a love quest!

I am in search of my “in betweens”, or a “short term love story”, eventually leading me to my one great love. I don’t have in betweens and I am desperate for one, just to have a start in this quest. I had had one night stands and to this date I am posting this I pledge that I will stay in solitary pleasure. ‘Til I find that start up is only when I unite my self with theirs. I am searching for love and sex will be involve. Or let me rephrase that, “making love will be involved”.

I am open to love stories with deadlines. Love stories with arrangements that can somehow be tragic in the end. I am desperate like I said. It scares me however, that I might end up investing too much emotion if there are deadlines in the end. A love story with a time frame. There is a prospective candidate for this love story with a time frame. Something like, I have to make a deal with him even if it means cheating the emotions I or we could both feel. Only, I just couldn’t say it out loud to him. It’s a pathetic thing to do if I do make a deal with him. He may not agree and entirely put myself in shame.

I don’t know what I am talking about. I just feel I have to say things like this. Like this an open letter, a pitiful cry for help in reaching out for that mystery of who or what will complete me.

There is the Christmas feel in the air here in Dubai. But Christmas is not something to look forward to in this country. Even if you're, like me, pinoy, who has so much experience how it is when the "ber" months come, you don't look forward in celebrating the Christmas here. What you look forward to is the illusion of you in the Philippines, with friends and family going to the early morning mass, and "puto" and all other native foods we got used to buying and consuming after the mass, or, in my town, jogging on the way home.

It certainly is fun during the christmas holidays in the Philippines. Something I wouldn't trade for any other Christmas celebration across the globe. I mean, yea, this is something relative. A pinoy Christmas is the one I get accustomed to. I have no definite words to describe how Christmas is in the Philippines but if you're Pinoy, you certainly understand what I'm talking about. Its fun. Simple. But fun.

This is my second Christmas here in Dubai. I came here December 14 last year. Being away miles and miles away from home for the first time, crying was the only option I could think of to ease the burden. This time, however, it'll be different. I'll be busy with work and Christmas, the usual December Holidays I got accustomed to for 27 years will just pass by unnoticed. Pity. True. But there is nothing to do. This is a Muslim country, though open, Christmas is still nothing but just a normal day for this country.

There will still be shedding of tears, I anticipate, but kalas! I'll not drown myself being miserable as I already am. It's just Christmas...come on...move on! (nope, kidding...its not just Christmas! It is Christmas and I love this Holiday!). I am thinking how im gonna spend the holidays when there really is work for the rest of the month for me. No Christmas break nor New year break! It's going to be work work work like a damn donkey!

I'll make a few changes on this blog. Nothing special actually.... I just thought I needed some change from talking too much about myself. I think I will work on with what I have observed here in Dubai, towards people, the culture, and rants about how unconforming some of the behavior of some of the residents and expats here that I just wanna go over and done with.

I hope I'll have a nice, if not good, Christmas. I'm not looking forward for it, let's just see.

there are quite a few good things that happened in this poor forsaken life of yours truly. first, I got my iPhone back. a week ago on a Monday, the police called me to inform me that they recovered my phone from
an Egyptian guy. this guy said someone sold it to him but I don't buy it. he seems the one who was making those dirty calls to ladies in my phonebook. he wasn't detained. but his name on record. so he asked me so kindly if I could clear his name. kind that I am, I did sign a paper in Arabic which probably states that I am not pressing any criminal charges against him. or whatever was written there might just states something about clearing his name. this time, I have two iPhones. I decided to buy the second one, which I got in a good price with a free chordless phone. that is a decision to buy yet another iPhone after accepting the fact that I won't be getting my first iPhone back, but I surprise surprise! i did get it back, gladly. so having two iPhones is quite too much! i decided I will give it my sister and my brother-in-law. selling it was crossed out among my options of how to have that iPhone put to good use.

second good thing, October 28, my sister gave birth to a healthy 7.5 pounds cute chinky eyed baby boy Zane!!! another new member in the cortero clan! and I can feel how happy my grandfather is having a new baby in the house, especially so that it's his second great grandchild. I know my grandfather is aged and probably is weak but I'm happy he's still fighting life amidst the challenges he and my grandmother still face despite their age. they should be, in fact, enjoying their retirement: vacationing, traveling and relaxing, sitting in a "golden throne" looking through the successes and failures of their offsprings and offspring's own. but that is not what is. there is just a thin line where they can squeeze this good retirement recreation.most of their time is bothered by juveniles. and I had had shared a part of that juvenile moments but I think i'd gotten over that and became mature enough tto give them peace of stubborn ass :-). so there's Zane, that will at least brighten their days since there's this miraculous joy babies carry on to other people, especially family. or at least only until they're still on the early years. once they learn to write, read and all that they start to wonder other things. but for now We will enjoy baby Zane with his cute, cuddly, bouncy, baby self.

another good thing is that the weather here in Dubai is becoming better since it's almost winter up north of the globe and Dubai is getting this semi wintery feel as well. the good climate is giving me the mood to jog in the park, enjoy every minute at work even if my manager, dani, is a hyperactive pain in the ass! but that is entirely not a bad thing. I have known my manager in the work level so, as weird as it may sound, I enjoy he thrill of working with him. he is a puzzle. everyday I have to guess what his mood will be so my colleagues and I act accordingly. and that is what adds challenge and fun in our job no matter how stressing.

it is Christmas soon and I can feel it. I miss home. I miss my family and my dog. I miss my friends. and everything would be much better only if I'm home. but I'm not. so instead of me wallowing why I'm single and nobody loving me,with the conducive wintery breeze to be walking holding hands with the one you love, I'm turning this misery in a good solitary confinemnt. at least I don't have to worry about any other but me.... yeah? right?