Alright. It's been a year. You cannot call a year a hiatus, nor a leave. I was absent in the blogosphere. But like who would care anyway? I'm almost non existent here or even in reality. And I think I like it that way.

Sometimes it gets to me being unrecognized, alone or what else you can call it. Thus the sheer anxiety attacks. I just had a recent one, last Sunday I think it was. I thought I was just having some bad shaky mood but the symptoms were undeniable: racing heartbeat, heavy chest, difficulty breathing, excessive sweating, agitated, shaky, nervous, butterflies in my stomach, the tingling sensations on my face and all tips of my extremeties! It was...scary! But I didn't realize I was having anxiety attack only until that night when I was lying down on my bed trying to calm myself down. All that memories from three years ago when I was on light alpropazalam medication and theraphy came back to my head. That moment was intense! I didn't want it to happen again so i tried to shift my focus on other things.

I don't wanna go that road again where I was almost depressed. Well, from time to time I am but I call them blues. Specially if your miles and miles away from the comfort you've been used to, blues are inevitable. That attack emerged from something unknown. Or maybe I knew but I'm on denial of accepting the fact that I am in a trap. A bad cycle of attraction that nevertheless falls on a pityful category. I asked myself why is it always like that. Had there been something that I could link this turn of cycling events in my life from a distant past? Or am I just stupid not to realize some things can never be? And am I too stubborn enough not to let go of the fact that I know the answers but still pretend of miracles if I may say. 

I don't know why my life has never been easy. I laugh. I smile. But almost everytime I'm in my solitude, which I am so at ease but neither exuberant about it, I can't help but feel empty. 

It's an understatement if I say there's a void I need to fill. I could fill it with something else but how come it's not close to my satisfaction. And even if I think I found the missing piece to fill that gap, it still is never enough or I scare to let it in, the least to say. Thus the void is and will always be a void.

I'm almost 30 and I haven't found that inner peace. Or is it too soon? To find it, I always believe will be the day you will almost die. So I should say, I have never found that earthly satisfaction every human being desire.

I have to live my life as normal as possible. Smile as much as possible, laugh as much as possible, and grieve as an only option. How to achieve? I tried but I always fail. 

Fail.

But I don't consider myself a failure. I have enough strength to combat the unforeseen failures that is why I can say albeit the attacks, I can still manage to live normal life as possible. 

Life ain't easy, that's a cliche. Loneliness is a given but not a destiny. You live, you laugh you cry and you die but that's not lonely. That is life. It is a happy life despite whatever circumstances may befall, it's your ship to sail. 

I only want one thing in my life. Love. Hoping that the rest will be in it's order. 

Labels: city life, love