Wednesday, August 18, 2010
There are so many thoughts in my head but not a single word to begin.

I'm at oar with intuitive silence...a long and deep silence.

Trying to find the right words to begin how to put my thoughts into words.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Olie in Karama
In Dubai, I live in a densely populated area called Al Karama. I've been living here since I got here, never ever moved.

Karama, as it is commonly called, is haven to luxury imitations, souk garments, small time businesses, and a place for different nationalities to flock around during days off and have cheap finds and fixes. Karama, is a busy place. Almost a central district, or I think it is.

This is also the place where you can find a number of Filipinos. In Karama there is a center called Al-Attar where Filipinos would gather mostly every Fridays on their days off and spend their time there either to buy ukay-ukay, eat taho and other filipino foods available or hang out and outside men with cars are standing by to earn extra income to take you wherever you want(llike taxis, not like any other. It sounded like whoring there for a second!).

I like Karama. There is another area here in Dubai called Al Satwa where most average Filipinos are said to live. Al Satwa they say is like little Manila before because there was just too many Filipinos there. Indeed. But I never liked it there. It is just too crowded for me. Like a real ghetto. Karama on the other hand, is more orderly. Its also a ghetto like place where you find a lot of Filipinos, Indians too, like Satwa. But here everything is in order. Its busy but orderly. It also is very accessible. Theres a grocery, a mall, a wet market, a park, a hospital near you. You can find almost everything you need here in Karama.

This evening, I realized something as I walked my way to my apartment. Karama is a contradiction.

This place is rubbish but nice. Residential apartment buildings are old (they usually call them flats)and are crowded. You live in sharing. My colleagues and some friends asked me why can't I let go of Karama and live somewhere nice but affordale. Karama is just not like that. The area looks cheap but rents are expensive and you dont get your money's worth in this living conditions. You pay rich to live cheap. Some areas here in Dubai like Al Barsha, Al Qusais, Al Nahda have very nice studios, 1 or 2 bedroom apartments for a reasonable price. I was once tempted to move to these places to get the privacy that I need, the comfort of the bachelor living. But then I realized, I am not into city living. These places, first of all, are not easily accesible unless otherwise you have a car. Also,it's like buildings here and there. Although you live like a real yuppie, to me, this is depressing.

Karama is a central distsict but I feel the rurality of the area. Unlike the other areas I've mentioned which seemed rural but actually urban is too quiet. I like quiet but not too quiet! If i live in those places, I think my life would not be balanced. It's too quiet. I will only be stucked in the four corners of my apartment!

I am a homeboy and I dont really care whats going on outside. Perfect for suburban living. I am too sheltered for outside! But theres a time when all I want is just sit and watch busy people go. I see and get to do that here in Karama. The contradiction.

That's what I realized this evening. I cannot easily let go of Karama because I find my little comforts here.

Dubai, like any other big city in the world, you go by unnoticed. What they don't know there is this one guy in Karama who observes almost everyone individually. With the fake presence like I dont care but the truth is I am looking in. I have this eerie feeling of liking it. Karama enables me to stir this kind of adventure in me.

But eventually, however, due to financial constraint, I might move to an affordable nice location. All my little weird comforts will be over.

But for now, Karama, We match. A man of contradiction. And you are a contradiction yourself. You make me,Me.

Well, I am not a yuppie. I dont see myself living in places like Al Barsha where seemingly superficial expats are. I am rich but I am poor, I am not ashamed living like cockroach. Im fine being a villager who drinks water, not wine. Thats what i am.

My name is Olie and I live in Karama - from the outside looking in @ everyone.

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Thursday, April 15, 2010
Goodbyes are never easy
This day, perhaps, is the saddest day of my career life. First it was the Chinese, now it's the Moldovan. There's also one pending, the Uzbekistan. When we left Mall of the Emirates it was sad. The Lebanese who I worked with for 2 years was transferred to another department. I was also close to him, as far as I am concerned. But that was a different story. We still work for the same company. Chances are, we will still be working together. For the Chinese and the Moldovan, they're moving on.

I am happy for both of them. The Chinese landed a good job and I'm really glad for her, however, it's sad something has ended. Now the Moldovan. He still have a month to cover until he transfer to another job. After that, to work in the environment I have been so used to will change.

Life goes on so they say. But for someone like me, it's a little bit hard to continue. It may take days until I fully recover to a kind of a loss.

Like I ranted on facebook yesterday, I hate getting attached to people or things. It's hard for me to let go if the time has come to let it go. I told my friend about it and she was right. I am too stiff and need to loosen up a bit. There are many ways to feel happy about everything. Leaving is just another beggining of something new, both for them and for me.

They are not my friends thats why it's strange why I feel this way. I must have been to confident that I will be the first one to leave them.

I remember I have this idea that I made up whenever someone has to leave, especially those who I just met be it in a short term or long term. I always tell my friends, as a cover up to my seemingly courageous front that, I can live my life without anyone because I was born alone in this world. It would be hard if since the beginning of my life someone is there and suddenly has to go. Something like that. Inside me though, I am breaking. That's why at most times I'm very cold in terms of my relationship with people. I am afraid of getting used to and suddenly leaving me behind. Sometimes I forget this and my real self comes out and get too clingy then--- baaam! I break.

I know that "change is the only constant thing in this world". And we all have to accept that, be it for good or not.

It's just a little too abrupt for me. I know I can move on eventually. But the process seemed to deem heavy for me.

I've decided, I needed a break. Comes my vacation, and on my 30th birthday, a lot of things has to change. I'm almost halfway my life and I need to make it big on whatever path that may be.

And I say this with conviction. Not the naïveté that I am all these years!


As it turns out, he only have until this week to work with us. That was unexpected on our part. He will be serving his last duties at the other department. This means we have to adjust our schedules. And I know it's not gonna be easy.

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails...But now faith, hope, & love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13


lost in the city
Alright. It's been a year. You cannot call a year a hiatus, nor a leave. I was absent in the blogosphere. But like who would care anyway? I'm almost non existent here or even in reality. And I think I like it that way.

Sometimes it gets to me being unrecognized, alone or what else you can call it. Thus the sheer anxiety attacks. I just had a recent one, last Sunday I think it was. I thought I was just having some bad shaky mood but the symptoms were undeniable: racing heartbeat, heavy chest, difficulty breathing, excessive sweating, agitated, shaky, nervous, butterflies in my stomach, the tingling sensations on my face and all tips of my extremeties! It was...scary! But I didn't realize I was having anxiety attack only until that night when I was lying down on my bed trying to calm myself down. All that memories from three years ago when I was on light alpropazalam medication and theraphy came back to my head. That moment was intense! I didn't want it to happen again so i tried to shift my focus on other things.

I don't wanna go that road again where I was almost depressed. Well, from time to time I am but I call them blues. Specially if your miles and miles away from the comfort you've been used to, blues are inevitable. That attack emerged from something unknown. Or maybe I knew but I'm on denial of accepting the fact that I am in a trap. A bad cycle of attraction that nevertheless falls on a pityful category. I asked myself why is it always like that. Had there been something that I could link this turn of cycling events in my life from a distant past? Or am I just stupid not to realize some things can never be? And am I too stubborn enough not to let go of the fact that I know the answers but still pretend of miracles if I may say. 

I don't know why my life has never been easy. I laugh. I smile. But almost everytime I'm in my solitude, which I am so at ease but neither exuberant about it, I can't help but feel empty. 

It's an understatement if I say there's a void I need to fill. I could fill it with something else but how come it's not close to my satisfaction. And even if I think I found the missing piece to fill that gap, it still is never enough or I scare to let it in, the least to say. Thus the void is and will always be a void.

I'm almost 30 and I haven't found that inner peace. Or is it too soon? To find it, I always believe will be the day you will almost die. So I should say, I have never found that earthly satisfaction every human being desire.

I have to live my life as normal as possible. Smile as much as possible, laugh as much as possible, and grieve as an only option. How to achieve? I tried but I always fail. 


But I don't consider myself a failure. I have enough strength to combat the unforeseen failures that is why I can say albeit the attacks, I can still manage to live normal life as possible. 

Life ain't easy, that's a cliche. Loneliness is a given but not a destiny. You live, you laugh you cry and you die but that's not lonely. That is life. It is a happy life despite whatever circumstances may befall, it's your ship to sail. 

I only want one thing in my life. Love. Hoping that the rest will be in it's order. 

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Sunday, October 18, 2009
I am back.

Not that I left and went somewhere. I am back from lurking...hibernating my mind and on the process of searching myself after where I left off almost 5 months ago.

That was not successful. Sadly. But it continues...

I do not want to go into detail about what had happened after I came back to Dubai from my vacation. All that I have in mind is that whatever it was I will proceed with my life as it is.

In the span of 5 months I have decided to leave Dubai after I finish my contract. I am not happy here. My heart always wanted to go home. However, I am afraid of how will I end up if I am back there for good. I haven't decided yet, though, if i should stay back home or move somewhere else. I will see.

Dubai has not been very conducive to me. Although it gives me the opportunity to earn what I earn, see what I see, interact with people from all walks in life, of different cultures and nationalities I still do not feel like I belong. This is not the place where I can find what I am looking for. Something which I do not even know what it would be.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I'm coming.
Later tonight I'm flying home.

I am not excited, nevertheless happy. I feel nothing but worry. I dont know what to expect when I set foot in the Philippines after more than a year.

I sure do miss the Philippines and my family and friends...its been over a year and a lot has changed. I changed, and they changed for sure.

I dont know, all i know is I miss home.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Can't wait
25 days from now, I am going home! And the first thing i am going to do, aside from meeting friends, is go to the beach!!!

But i am sad. i will explain later.

i havent even figured out who i was, or the question is still existing. And i told myself i wont blog until I figure out even just a bit of answers to my own "delusional" question. Allow me to say such.

However, i am excited to go home. Super duper uber excited! So here I am sharing my good news.

After 1 year 3 months and 5 days that I am here in this no-adjective-relevant-to-describe country, I am finally going home! Although after 30 days I'll be back to slavery and will face a rather tough time. And that I will also share later. Right now, i just want to let you all know, those who visit this forsaken blog, and especially to those who care about me, (i wonder who they are) THAT, I, EMmAnAtiOn, is sooooooo excited to set foot on my beloved Philippines, and my oh so dearly loved Nabua.

I was told there were a lot of changes in my town after more than a year i was away. So i will explore all that. :-)