The name "Jeff" is ringing back to my ears. I mentioned about the first guy I fell in love with in yesterday's post. Yes, "Jeff" is his name. It's Jefferson actually. And I still have his picture in a frame!! He was one of my roommate back in college, who, along with my other roommates I became close with. But through the years, I lost contact with some of them even Jeff. I am older than Jeff. When I graduated from college, he was, if I am not mistaken in his third year.

I couldn't say we became a couple then. He was straight, unfortunately, but he knows my feelings towards this guy. We were close, but not as close as I had wanted. Anyway, he's all I've been thinking of yesterday and today, remembering back the memories of pain, joy and -- well -- my crazy feelings that lasted for four years! i even made a "goodbye/love letter" which I never actually gave to him but kept it. I wrote that letter having in mind that I was letting go of my feelings since I was stressing over nothing. But - I wasn't able to let go of that feeling until I graduated. Even after two years after graduation. I guess the feeling just kind of died down in his absence. It's funny that i still keep that letter as well. Upon remembering that I made that letter in the instance of my crazy-young-love I looked for it to share it here. That letter was suppose to be my secret alone but back in the day my roommate/friend Lee Jack and Godwin did find that letter either in my locker or under my pillow. It is still fresh to me that they qouted several words there and spread it in the boarding house. Of course, I was so ashamed of what they did but I can't deny it. Even if they always include that "qouted words" from me in our every day conversation inside the boarding house then,not thinking about who will hear it or even thought of considering how I would feel, what I said was true. Jeff even knew about that "famous" "moniker" I had of him. I called him "my TL, my inspiration, my glory". I don't know if it still stand true to what i feel of him, but I know I wont forget Jefferson. So this is that Love Letter.

You haven’t known how much I have adored you, how much you mean to me. You, who gave me worrying moments, who gave me friendship that I unfortunately disregarded because all I want then is not a friend but you as a lover. How stupid of me to have those unrealistic merriments, but nevertheless, you showed me how it is to be in love even without the response every selfish lover desired. I would like to thank you for respecting my decision though I never respected yours. Thank you for being concerned (whatever it may be), for being there when I wanted to set my eyes on you. I Thank you too for looking at me which gives me cracking nerves until now. I like the feeling of it. But most of all, thank you for being a part me. Its really a sad moment for me setting you free but a wonderful moment as well because I finally realized we can never be. I finally realized what a fool I’ve been waiting for you all those days only to see you, only for you to see me, only wishing we could sincerely talk, only for you to love me back. It’s a bitter sweet symphony, Jeff.

I do not know what traits you have that made me fell down on my knees. One thing I know is that you captured my heart from the time I have known you. You stood out among the rest; you’re one of no kind, unique. You may think these feelings and thoughts are delusional, say it whatever it is…delusional, crazy, impaired…whatever. Why? Was it a fault to fall in love with you? I think not. It’s wonderful loving you and never a fault!!

Your looks, my! It makes my heart drop! Those demonic looks? Gus, it rips my heart to joy! You don’t notice that, I’m sure because I’m not even in your dreams, not even in your tongue, not even anywhere in your body. But still you imprisoned me. You are one lucky young man; you have everything I desire…well, almost! You’re like the ideal man. People has to know you before infatuation, love, lust, craving, desire, cupidity can happen.

I desired you. Everything you have, I accepted. Whatever you have been composed of is nothing to me, all I want is you. And you must be thankful I never lust for you…you never knew I respected you more than I respected myself. You are holy to me. I never desired you as the person who could fulfill my eroticism. I never desired to “eat you” nor “drink the life you can bequeath”. Albeit, I desired to hold your hands, to run my fingers into your thick ebon hair, sleep beside you (which I was triumphant because I did on Dec. 7th, of ’98), embrace you, kiss you and the most, you to love me the way I love you, yet impossible.

I am not grieving because I loose. I didn’t loose. In fact, I won. I won myself back! I won in loving you like no one can. And I’m happy. Happy at last!! I was never lost in the wilderness of my journey although I got scars, and bruises, and been beaten to death by unknown imaginations. And it was because you helped me.

You are my Adam, my Romeo, my Goliath, my Joseph…but who does it make me? Sodom perhaps (laugh:} ). You are the music that lifted me to heaven, the air that made me breathe, the clouds who poured me rain, the sun who gave me light, the flower who gave me beauty, the “crayola” who gave my life meaning. You showered unto me the feeling I never had felt before that will never be apart from me. You are everything and I am nothing to you. But still, I thank you for being everything.

I hate to say this but it’s true: you can never have someone like me in your lifetime, and I’m sorry, it’s really your loss not mine.

But in spite of that, I told you once that “I will have you in my heart as I live”. Those are words that will never depart.

Shocks!! That was the lamest, "mushiest", shameful thing i have ever done. But - no regrets. I was unrequitedly in love. I was in love with the right person in a wrong "gender" at a wrong time. That is the first "love letter" I have ever written. Nothing greater was written after that. And I hope that'll not be the last time i will ever scribble love thoughts for some one. I miss Jefferson lately, I really do.