Such a feeling's coming over me la la la la la la la...

That just came in my mind thinking how should I start my post for tonight. Several thoughts ramble in my head but I cannot decide which should go first. So I guess I'll just have to type anything.
Earlier, I got this email which I appreciate very much. I am not sure if that person would agree of me posting his personal message here but I just wanna share how deeply appreciated his email is. Thank You!



Click to read the Message

As well as this person who I constantly message at dudesnude.com.


And speaking of dudesnude, I am thinking of deleting every account I have on all profile sites. I don't know what came over me, but it occurred to me that I am just wasting my time and fooling people into thinking I am able and will want their desires. Well - I don't tell them everything, just tell them what they wanna "read" because you will know it from their messages - mostly carnal/sexual desires - so I play along. Only a few would really want to get to know you - me. And that's the time I tell them my condition. Of course I wanna get to know them as well even the sexually explicit ones but I anticipate - and I know - they wouldn't waste their time or my time foolin' around with me.

I am scared, but my fear will bring me nowhere. During the weekend I was contemplating on what I would do, what would happen to me, what I lost, and the time wasted back then bumming. I know, there's no point thinking about every thing that has happened or what would happen to me in the future. It's such a cliche to hear people say "focus on what's the present", true, but some people find it hard to focus on the "now". Sometimes, I try to make every day as it was before but it just cant be. I try to deviate my attention so I wouldn't feel bored or pity myself for what happened to me. I try not to be mad at what happened to me or to whoever did this to me. As a matter of fact, I was thinking of naming who that is here but on second thought, I don't have a solid evidence. I don't wanan risk it and get the consequences later on. It just pierce me deeply when these things come to my mind and I cant help but be sad.

I am fighting my days. I am trying to make my days as normal as possible even if a majority of differences can well be seen from what I was accustomed. I look at what I desire to see, hence, the boys on the web. HEHEHEHE. At least, with that, I tend to forget what I am suffering from - then again - what's the point looking at these men that make me drool, salivate and even be in heat. I can't get them, I can't have them. What a fool!

I read and watch gossips to make me be in the know and, just to have something to kill my time day to day. I feel like a prisoner sometimes, you know. But I am fighting that. I try to make this fucking blog as lively as possible, but that is nuts! What exudes in me is really not a funny person, but a "trying hard" to be funny person. I know, I am full of drama and nobody likes that. Neither do I like fucking dramas. See, drama is part of everything, you know, but it is like something everybody knows but doesn't talk about it. I don't know why you have to pay for someone to hear your sadness and help you with it. Sad.

Whew, that is just life - c'est la vie. Weird but a very interesting roller coaster ride. Now that just made me think of my friend Carmen - who is very lonely skin deep but very strong in keeping her senses and still be the sincerest, most sensible girl I know. I miss her and I miss our "drama" talks. At least with her, I don't need to pay to share my drama with :-)

I really cant help think what will happen to me in the next days and that scares the hell out of me. I don't wanna live my entire life crippled. I don't wanna be useless. I wanna still live my dreams. My broken dreams. So many things I wanna do, walking. I wanna see ME doing everything I have in mind of doing with my legs fully able. This is a sad post. I get sadder every day now. However, I am glad to still have my good friend Lee Jack visiting me from time to time and making me laugh and feeding me with information from the outside world, you know, the outside world I don't see physically. And thanks to this computer, which is by the way on its way to "extinction". That said, I might not be able to be online in the next days. I don't know whets happening to this machine. And I am just not so sure how my appointment with my doctor will go tomorrow. But I am ready emotionally if I hear in his mouth "I need to admit you to the hospital for another operation." But I may postpone that till I am physically ready.