i was supposed to go to my doctor this morning (thats the 28th, its 29th already) for another x-ray check up on my broken leg but i didnt not go. The night before, I was battling if I should go or shouldn't go and it turned out I didnt because I wasnt able to wake up in the morning. I woke up after lunch when my mother came home to wake me up. hahaha. she came home just to wake me up. What a useless ass I am!! No- actually, she came home to remind me as well about the check - up but she need not to. I have every schedules in my head. It's just that I didnt inform her or anyone that i am not going to see the doctor - well - at least for now.

I am just not ready to hear what he is going to say to me.

Later in the afternoon my friend, Lee Jack called me up to ask me what did the doctor say since he was here home the night before. I told him, I didnt go. I dont want bad news.

I know. There may be some good developments regarding the healing process but what if there's none? I am just not ready for another operation. The last time the doctor said to me 2 months ago was that, if there would be no good development, no good callous formation (the last x-ray showed little callous formation. 4 months after the accident.), he is going to remove one screw below the knee and he will perform bone marrow injection. That - I am not ready! Financially and physically.

I asked my mom to go to the clinic to reschedule an appointment with my doctor but i wasnt able to tell her when. The clinic is open only every tuesdays and thursday. I am thinking, maybe next tuesday i can face my fear.

well- Its been days. I was just too lazy to turn the computer on. And too lazy to surf. Last friday i went online just to check mails and Pink is the New Blog. I was thinking of posting a picture during my grandpa's birthday (which didnt go well for me but for my grandpa, i dont know). I was expecting only close family but it turned out to be a celebration with non family members. Neighbors came, "colleagues" of my mother, and my grandma's amiga. In turn, I invited Lee Jack over and three of my gay friends (just to hook them up with the neighbors - boys). There was karaoke/videoke so few neighbors came.

haaahh. i am fucking scared of what is to come. I dont want another fucking operation. I dont want large needles drilling my pelvic bones sucking bone marrows and injecting it on my leg and in to my bone! i sooo fucking dont want that!!! But - well - I dont know. I am just not ready for anything. I am at a loss.