Despite my apologies, my friends whom I have offended have gone cold towards me, much like treating me in a civil way. I cannot blame them for I might have really sucked them out to stay away from me. DonDon is the only one who still treats me like always and much thanks to him. The other night, Gani, a friend in town came over my house and we drove around town and met with the friends. That’s when I’ve realized their cold treatment. I assumed what I’ve done wrong was already behind us since we send SMS like always but then it seems their resentment towards me has come to be a chip on their shoulders. So, I’ll let them be. Gani and I hang out instead since it seemed he has something going on between them, too, which I didn’t bother to ask what it was. We had a nice conversation about several issues facing our lives. As we go on sharing our life experiences about being somehow misunderstood by people, as well as, time’s running out for us to carry out our life’s goals, as weird as it sounds, I sat there beside him at the town plaza half hearing his tales…my mind floated with the question:

What have I accomplish?

…N o t h i n g….

That’s not what I am going to talk about on this post because I indeed haven’t accomplished anything.

I know it’s a cliché in this blog how stagnant my life has been since my accident. I thought I got over the emotional pain, but I guess I have not. That accident has just given me more of the depressing mood each time my leg feels a sudden discomfort and at MOST times when there are physical activities I would like to endure on.

Having said that, I have no other option but to think why does that have to happen?
By inquiring on that question, it sort of eases my mind and heart momentarily thinking of that unfortunate. Of course the self absorbed answers are the usual: “must be my fate”; “it’s God’s will”; “a test”; and the most common of all “something happens for a reason”. It indeed has some reasons but such seemingly mundane conundrums sometimes just put me defense-less. Who could question the mystery that “everything happens for a reason”?

I tried but I failed.

Returning answers to such questions are seemingly defense mechanisms to better the inquiring mind and soul. Does it help the poor soul? For a time it does but the moment you feel the same feeling of inquisitiveness as to why and why and more whys come your way, you route back to phase 1. It occurs to me it’s a cycle I and some of us are trapped in.

You see, we have a choice actually: to dwell in the unknown or suppress it (and play the happy soul).

I opted for both.

I dwell in these never ending quests to ally my whys and to suppress these why’s and try to harmoniously live in and out of the cycle. Yet, why does that modicum of succor do not ultra help me in most ways. I still cannot fully accept why did this happen to me, one of the many things I dwell on. It may not show in my face personally that I have a poor soul but it lingers inside me and my aura cannot fake the intense desolateness.

People with exuberant selves, I envy. They seem to be full of life. They are in content with the superficial endowments. And their entrée’s contains just a little amount of the so-called whys of the dish called life and living. I just don’t get their recipe. I tried being in the shallow but I don’t get it perfectly. I always end up not undercooked but burnt. I thought being happy is a not a needle in the haystack, but it is. I don’t know why. I know I am slightly contented with “my fate” and I am happy but just not within.