After 3 long years or so, I had a very nice, wet, and lustful lip locking with someone. Hehehehe. I am a sucker when it comes to kisses. There is something about a kiss that I just can’t say no to. Of course it has to be with someone I like.

Anyway, last night or make that hours ago, I was drunk…again…and because of the evil liquid I was able to crossover from the idealistic “I” to the if-you-cant-beat-‘em-join-‘em me. When not tanked-up I cannot do such lusty demeanor. I have these thoughts of resisting people of my kind do(even if I wanted to try doing it). I would say, no to things “normal” to them. Or I would just not agree to what they call norms gay people have.

So what are the norms anyway? I’ve been watching Queer as Folk series on dvd and its making me understand what “seemed” normal to gay men but not thoroughly agree with. Humor me if my understanding is incorrect for I’ve realized I am as confused a gay man as I was when I was in high school. I grew up in an environment where gay people are not really accepted. Thankfully, my family is ok with it so there was nothing in my memory that I was humiliated, beaten, or disowned because I am gay. I never did say I was gay to them. They somehow suspected it and filled me up that, yea, I was gay. It was like, a self fulfilling prophecy already because they think I’m gay, told me in jests of my gay ways and filled me up with my being gay but did not tolerate me to be what generally is gay. Even though I know deep inside I am queer I never talked openly about it until college, not even to my friends. Family and friends still think I can be straight, even people who don’t know me. But I’m gay and I can never be straight. The thing is I don’t know how to be gay (except on the sexual department, I very well do know that, thank you very much!)

Thanks to Queer as Folk. It’s giving me understanding of what gay life has. There are some things I don’t agree to though, but nevertheless say should not be done by a gay man. It’s a case to case basis.

Id like to point out what heterosexuals think of a gay man, sourced from the series and from real people who thinks oddly of a gay person. Certainly enough, we are odd people. I don’t know why, but for a few straight people, we are odd beings and I agree. What I do not agree to is to most heteros gay men are lustful. Butt-fuckers. Cock suckers. Party goers. Drug users. Pedophiles. Leather. BSDM. Perverts. Or just simply put, worship sex! (who doesn’t?) we are labeled, stereotyped that once gay, they’re the weaker ones, bad influence, evil doers, sex perverts and the bad impressions goes on and on. Our oddities are very well not by being that.

As Debbie would say in the series, they need enlightenment. Not every gay man is like that, generally NOT LIKE THAT! I don’t know where they get the idea that we gay men are such fucking losers and generalize that as a universal notion that once gay will always be…of bad character. Of course, there are gay perverts who candidly flaunt they’re evilness and us “normal” gay men will suffer from pejoratives.

What I don’t understand is that, it is seemingly normal for gay men to be promiscuous. Even in a relationship, they still would look for fucks. Can they not just stick to one guy, one fuck? Is that normal? In the general female-straight point of view, having too many casual fucks when in a relationship is not normal. In the general male-straight point of view, casual fucks are case to case basis, not entirely normal but there are situations when there is a need for it (I cant believe I am saying this!). Men generally are polygamous. I am getting convinced that gay men are not females in male bodies but they are males who just like males and still posses the qualities a straight male have. Being polygamous is one. So need I say more?

This kind of topic about “what is a gay man?” “what is normal to a gay man?” “what should a gay man do?” calls for advert discussion. I still do not highly suggest I am in agreement to what seems normal for almost all gay men. Call me a deviant (or a lesbian!) but still I have my ideals that I need to prove and disprove.

Anyway… I am getting confused than ever!

The guy I kissed is someone I like. My inhibitions for flirting with him finally were broken down by the alcohol, was way way broken by that.

When I woke up earlier, I was grunting. I couldn’t imagine myself lip locking on the street in front of friends and God knows who else at 3am!! That’s why I was grunting heavily. I don’t think I can do that sober.

That’s why at times I abhor drinking. It make me do things, say things I don’t normally say but think of. But when its there,whew! I drink it up! Then the uncontrollable me goes, doing the nastiest things I will regret when the intoxication wears out! The kisses, though, this time, I don’t regret. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time. I only regret doing it on the street, in front of friends and God knows who else!! Hahahahaha.

And as regards to my ideals? Kissing someone last night several times in several places makes me wanna agree to the normal ways most of my homosexual friends do…men hop; and accept the fact that there are gay hoppers. The guy I kissed was one gayhopper, too, I believe, not sure though. And I hope not! However, its just one kiss (done several times) with one guy I like nevertheless do not desire. I’m keeping my principle until proven incorrect that I will not join “em because I will beat ‘em.