*sheesh! goosebumps oh my freakin gawd!*

I was one of those who believed that love in the worldwideweb is possible.

WAS.

When I was introduced to the web in 1997 and breeze my way on MTV chatroom, MiRC, and later on yahoo messenger in 1998, I had this full idealism that yes, I certainly can find love online.

I was wrong.

Or…

Maybe….

I had a whirlwind of emotions everytime I get to know somebody online; and then we click, hence, had several online love affairs one after the other. Can you believe it if I say I have cried to some of them for not being able to be with them personally? Crazy, I know. But that was all in the past. I have managed to learn and deal with the fact that even if love is possible to some people online, it would also be equally not possible to some (of us).

Yet…

Sometimes there just comes a time when you feel a certain attraction to someone you haven’t even met personally, only through webcams. And then the hoping that the “you’ve got mail” love affair kind of thing will be possible this time around.

I’ve met...



In some dating/hook-up site I am a member of. When I read and saw the picture in his profile the love arrow shot my heart immensely, or something to that effect. We managed to chat for quite some time and my attraction (or should I say lust, whichever it is I am not sure) seemed to grow even more. Again, crazy, I know.

I cannot describe what I feel towards druglord (his name in that dating site). I kinda feel a certain jealousy towards something or someone I do not know. I get agitated when I saw him online and never IM me. I don’t wanna be even more obvious that I like him if it will always be me who initiates the messaging. Now, again, crazy I know: Me, posting a post like this is more than obvious that I do have the “hots” for him.

*sigh*

Such an attraction I cannot describe...La la la la la la la la la means…. I am crazy. LOL

This thing called love (or courtship) is the game I am not good at. I have never won anyone’s heart. And for some lame reason, I loose any interest if I sense something like “I am nice how can I tell you to back off me, you’re just not my type” or something like “I like you so let’s just jerk off on cam and then forget all about it” and as well as in real life scenarios actions are even more lucid and easy to tell if they like you or otherwise. Getting that kind of vibe from the subjects of my affection, such intense interest just slowly die down. I just am not persistent to sell me to them, if I may say so.

When I like someone, I just know I like them and I mean every word I say when I tell them I like them. I am very upfront when it comes to liking some one and telling them what I feel. And then, after I do tell them that, it’s their turn to tell me if what I feel for them is similar or not. May take time, I know but whatever the response is, either way I am ok with that. Yet, sometimes, people I have liken just ignore what I said while trying to be nice while others completely ignore me, still nice, and then poof (it became koko krunch! Heheh) they just stop talking and vanish. And THAT, is not ok. I would be left there hanging. Silly me for hanging. These scenarios I am saying are either online or in real life, but real life situations are rare because I rarely meet with people around my area and courtship face to face is just damn hard.

Anyway, with him (druglord), I think and I am sure I like him. But it’s hard to COMPETE with people he already has been with, if there were any. Or just say, competition or winning isn’t just my game. When I forwarded the message to them, I hold on for their answers while I do my thing but when the time has come that the holding on seems long enough and when I feel that I have some competition to go through, then I guess I just move a step backward, turn my back…then leave. I am a passive lover… or say, suitor. Maybe, when I win someone is the time I become active. That type of scene, I think has been evident with my online relationship with druglord.

Oh well, love!love!love! What a feeling! Oh, I am not in love right now, just to set the record straight (even if I am gay.. har har har). I am rather, say, infatuated (?) or steadfastly attracted with druglord.

So there, need I say more? I am sure you’re reading this. I am also unsure of this but for the heck of it, I am here…waiting for what you will have to say, either way is ok. It’s a deal or no deal kind of thing but no pressure. Hehehehe, We can still be friends (with benefits? Heheheh) if the answer is no.

(photo captured this afternoon while we chat.)

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if there's such a thing as love salesmanship, this is my sales speech (this is not my original composition):

I am not a good lover...
I mess up...
I start fights...
I easily get jealous.
But there are 3 things I like about myself:
I don't play.
I give my all,
and I love deeply.

Baaaaaahhhhh!!

*sheesh! goosebumps oh my freakin gawd!*

Labels: love, personal message