Where shall I begin?

It’s been a while since I last blog about my monetary problems which actually does not ruin my life that much. In some ways it definitely give me head spinning thoughts when there is the need for it. In almost everyday, that is, there’s a need for it but thankfully little by little I am learning to live not needing it.


(More photos in my gallery)
It’s summer in the tropics, finally. And it’s damn hot. Terribly hot! And humid! In the past 2 weeks my friends and I went swimming in this – I don’t know what type of body of water it is called-- where the water is cold and is located in a remote place in a nearby town called Casugad in the municipality of Bula Camarines Sur. To get there is an hour or less motorcycle ride (or car, which would be faster) and will have to trek a rocky terrain to the brook (or spring it was called my friends told me recently). Brook or a pond the swimming area looks like, surrounded by forestry and ricefields. There’s this tropical plant they call “agol” of the coconut tree family used for landscaping and flower arrangements that grows wild in the area. Funny thing was, my gay friends who went there before has this code “mingga – agol” (which means “look for ‘agol’ shoots’, literally), that would mean to them and to the male locals to have quick sexual fun in the woods, similar to what we termed as “pamati” here in town. To cut it short, we swam and the local boys swam (to clean their genitalias of all in the days sweat..ewww) and afterwards Lee Jack and I were left behind in the swimming area while they all go to the woods and have their outdoor sexual adventure. Only if the boys were my type then I might have gone with them in the woods and experience it outdoor-bareback in the scorching heat beneath any tree shade. Hahaha. Anyway, had there been a hot guy there I wouldn’t have had the guts. I am too reserved to try something that kinky. Although I have fantasies doing it outdoor myself!!

And there’s only one guy I have in mind experiencing it with, especially with love and lust combined…

Jun….

But unfortunately will just be in the confines of my dreams. As it occur to me now now that I mentioned of Jun, it is in this same tropical sunshiny season back in 95 that I met and fell for him.

His grandpa, who is a very distant relative of my grandmother, died last week. Because of that, Jun was in town two days ago. To my delight, we spent a few hours of being together with bottles of liquor, as usual, along with his neighbors. We weren’t talking, we were texting even if he was just in front of me.

Sweet.

But the exchange was more of clowning and teasing and lightheartedly telling him how I still feel about him. That kind of approach was, according to him, comical because in some ways he kind of forgets his dilemmas. I suppose his mourning is one of them. To me, it is kind of exceptionally perverse because my affections towards him make me forget the reason why he is in town and why I was there: to mourn with him and his family. Haassssshhhhhh! And yes, the stealing of glances is never to be forgotten. How can I help not to, he’s way too hot for my eyes. Then I was drunk.

It’s been years…decades…and he still gives me the same effects as he does when we were very young. He is my first love. One of the unreciprocated loves I had. The kind of loving that often occurs my way.

I still can’t understand why can’t I fully let go!

I (guess) I still love him more than anyone, only that him being straight and me being gay, all we can be is friends and distant cousins.

Terrible! Because when I see him and the more I see him, the more it makes me want to want him. And when I don’t see him the more he runs in mind and thoughts of wanting to struggle determinedly to win him, whatever it takes, flows freely. Of course, loco de amor that I am with him and still keeping my sanity in tack even if I am taking Xanor, I cannot do what my wild imagination is telling me to do.

And when in my solitary confinements and or trying to ease such longing none of the very few people I get attracted to could surpass how Jun affected my life.

So then it must be true, first love never dies.

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I remembered just this instant. He celebrated his birthday last 17th. I was with him that fucking night!!! Why in the world did I forget to greet him?! Anyways, it would be awkward to say “happy” birthday when he and his family are mourning. But I must send him text message right now.
April 19 4:37pm