I cannot die. I mean, I don’t wanna die…yet.

Well, I don’t know. How would I know if I am dying or not? Death is one of those events that just come around when ever it is time. But please, God have mercy, be this not my time yet. I wanna live longer and age gracefully.

Like I said in my older post, I am worried about my health. How ever worried I become, I will not have the peace that I needed as long as I feel this sensation that tells me, something is wrong inside my body.

A week after I got out of the hospital I was feeling ok. A week later, here comes the same feeling I felt before I was hospitalized....this time I did have a little understanding of what may this be. It is not TIA or mini/mild stroke. I believe my neurologist. However, this is something still undiagnosed. Sure they said I had anxiety attack because of this tingling, burning, numbing like sensation I feel on the right side of my face (not the entire right side but there are areas on that side where the feeling is most felt), who wouldn’t? It is just damn alarming!

I made a little research on this, again, even if my attending neurologist told me not to read medical books whenever I feel something unusual. But I cannot help it. I have this urge to know and understand what is this that I am feeling, afterall, it is I who is feeling something. I started my research on the medicine that I was given: Neurontin. Neurontin is for shingles, seizures and neuralgia which to me sound all foreign. When I further my readings on neuralgia I understood why was I given that medication. I believe the doctor thinks (altho not mentioned to me) I am having some Atypical (Trigeminal) Neuralgia. To which I will not rebut for because from my understanding also, it might be possible. Of course, the doctor knows better than I do. According to wikepedia:

Atypical (Trigeminal) Neuralgia

The symptoms of atypical neuralgia (ATN) tend to be vague and misleading. This may be the most misdiagnosed form of neuralgia. The symptoms can be mistaken for migraines, dental problems such as TMJ, musculoskeletal issues, and hypochondriasis. This form of neuralgia is extremely rare, thus also contributing to the misdiagnosis. ATN can have a wide range of symptoms and the pain can fluctuate in intensity from mild aching to a crushing or burning sensation, and also to the extreme pain experienced with the more common trigeminal neuralgia.

The pain from ATN is usually less than that of trigeminal neuralgia, but is nearly continuous and periods of remission are rare. This form can also cause pain in the back of the scalp and neck.

Many attempts have been made to link ATN with psychological issues, though modern studies have shown no link. Theories have suggested that infections of the teeth or sinuses, vascular compression, physical trauma, or past viral infections could be a cause. Evidence thus far seems to be anecdotal. Another interesting aspect is that this form affects men and women equally, unlike the trigeminal neuralgia, which is much more common in women than men.

The description seems agreeable to me from what I am actually feeling. I could say this can be a musculoskeletal issue because of the pain on my shoulder. Apparently, I know the doctor did his initial diagnosis and was...well...unsure, yet, still, even if this could be atypical (Trigeminal) neuralgia upon research (or other things)... I am still not at peace because there's no exact, hard copy evidence of this malady.

Since I am the one feeling it, I suspect this recurring numbing, tingling, burning feeling on some areas of my right face has something to do with the gripping-pinching-blocking sensation every time I look up and bend my nape. When I do that, it radiates a numbing-blocking like feeling on my upper right back shoulder all the way to my biceps and arm, thus, a musculoskelatal issue, and perhaps affected my trigeminal nerve (from too much lifting of weights which I've done before I felt this). I am thinking, there must be something that is blocking my nerve on that area or it could have been stretched too much or is pinched or something like that.

From the reads I have googled, this indeed could be other things as well which I will not mention because it will just scare me all the way. One thing though, as many of the people close by/to me tells me, this could also be an after effect of the accident I have been through more than a year ago. It is hard to believe that it might be that because I was conscious after I was hit by that damn vehicle.

My suspicion could be correct or not, or worse, this could be something else. Of course to be alarmed is inevitable because this could paralyze me or something if I do not do something with the help of a doctor to relieve it. I try not to think about this as much but you see, when I feel it and become discomforting I could not help but worry.

Yesterday, I woke up early to start my day with a jog. Even if I still feel the recurring sensation I decided to work out and start my day with sweat. I jog and walked around the lawn of the old house we had. I cannot jog around the neighborhood because stray dogs will surely run after me. My early morning exercise was nice but it didn’t relieve me of the discomforting tingling sensation.

I am paranoid! My sister is even complaining that never in a day since I felt this has she not heard me say anything but my worry, day in day out! I know its sickening on my sister’s part or my folks because, well, I am just worried sick! And a little scared. Though, I just try to act normally as possible since other that that, I am feeling ok. My blood pressure which I check regularly is ok. Just this little numbing…and I feel it right now as I write this.

I haven’t done much in this world. I haven’t proved anything. I haven’t accomplished anything and haven’t lived my life the way God wants me to live it. i haven't found my love. I haven’t gone out of the country and haven’t fulfilled my ultimate goal in life (which by all means I have not yet known). That is why I am trying to fight this paranoia if this is it. Whatever this is, until diagnosed correctly, will be something that will still alarm me.

Yes, I am not ready to die. I cannot die. Lord, I don’t wanna die…yet. Please.

oh shoot, i'm feeling really bad, seriously, like that feeling i felt when i was brought to the hospital...will try to keep it cool. *deep breath*

Labels: neuralgia, neurontin, stroke