After that emo morning I had last post, sobbing and sniffing and kulang na lang maglupasay sa kalungkutan, I guess, I still feel really homesick. Let that be because Christmas is in a few days and perhaps it is normal to feel miserable living in a country which does not celebrate Christmas in grandeur. In my 27 years, Christmas was a holiday to look forward to.

I shouldn't forget that there was a period in my life when I was younger that I became a little too negative about my beliefs. I was...became...agnostic. I abhor Christmas because it makes me very lonely. But later on, I came back to being myself and enjoyed Christmas as it is, with family and friends, and the simple things on how we celebrate it.

I am a full pledge sucker for this Holiday that is why I cannot blame myself for being too lonely last post. Not because I was drunk and "inlove" (which is a totally different story), but perhaps, yeah, the spirit triggered my emotions and all the memories of home, and friends, and lost love came flashing all at the same time.

I miss my friends. I dont even know if I still have friends to go back to in the Philippines. My girl friends who are busy with their own lives perhaps have only little room for me now. Nevertheless, I still do miss them and the good old days. I miss my ex-bestfriend LeeJack in more ways than one. If he's reading this, we'll I miss you my friend. Why did we part ways? Where have we left off? what happened between us? I know I never did you any wrong, but if its the way it is got to be, then I am not in any position to recall everything to the present. Maybe this is how and where we are going to be. I dont know how I will be when I get back home, we are almost neighbors and the chances of seeing you in town would be such a kill. But its the way its got to be. I hope you do realize never have I been wrong to you, as far as I know. And at this point in time, I still have no clue why you ditched me away and preferred to be with your friends now than save ours. Merry Christmas to you.

I miss my loves. I miss how it was with JD. I miss how it was with Marlino, our little silly fight in text messaging. That, however, we have put a closure to. and most of all, I miss my childhood love, Jun. Not to worry, i have accepted the fact that we are now very good friends even if I didnt see him before I leave. And I cant wait to get back and we hang out again and drink Matador or what ever there will be. Too bad cousin King is now in Italy and I have no news about him. The tropa sa bururatanis in incomplete! Perhaps, Jun can fill me in with King's whereabouts!

The year is almost to an end and there will be another yet of those in depth reflection I have to do. how the year was. I couldn't say it had been good, nor bad. The year was ok. But why does it have to have emotional torment every last quarter of my years? The big question! For several years, its always like that. Last year, I ran away from love problems, friend problems and to find out how I miss home when I got here. The year before was a bit fine and realised my love for Jun would blossom into a platonic one, which is a good thing. It took time to process that though, but at least I managed asap. That same year, we had family troubles which I hope is buried six feet under. The thing is, this year, the last 2 months, I fell in love. Again. I silently fell in love with someone. He now knows but shows no interest. It is the greatest insult, you know, the disregard of what someone feels towards you. He knows and I guess that is his way of saying Please, no. I am not into you. I totally understand, but it is fresh. And the total shame of it all, we live under the same roof. Hi and Hellos is the most civil way of acknowledging once presence and we rarely do that now, i've realized, after I told him what I feel. He maybe avoiding me and I the same, unconsciously. but I am dying of this avoidance! I was thinking of running away again. It helps me heal easily, but that is far from being an option. My life here is not as easy as I thought it would be.

So i guess, to be just me is what I will do. I am me. The me who doesnt care about anyone. The me who never talks to anyone only if I am drunk or something. Me who owns a world whom nobody understands but me and my friends. The me who is mystical and close to being a looney living in my own philosophies to the point of being stubborn. The me who shares my own world with no one but me and will dare not let anyone enter as long as I like you. and if you don't like me, it is a problem. I go back shutting my glass doors sound proofed and very tightly. No, I dont want anyone barging in my own privacy, let alone in my life. I will barge in to yours but no one shall barge into mine because letting you in will never happen. I will not let anyone dare come into mine cause I will not say anything and lead you with the impression it is ok to barge in like that. No.I am not friendly I am just me. If i want you as a friend then I want you. Reject me, then let that be.

I guess that is my recent object of affection has in his mind.
Same as mine.
Silent.
Thinking "You process your crazy self yourself and leave me alone from it. "
I guess, too, thats why I am hurting.
I see, in him, similarities.

oh well, another one of this unrequited loves. Neverending.

But I am sadder I am not where I want to be.
The love sick thing is just a fly by. I can live without that. I am emo. I can handle this terrible misfortune. I am just sad I have no friends here. I am just sad I dont want any friends here. I am sad I dont want to look for friends here. I am just sad I am isolating myself from people here. I am just sad its my second Christmas here, away from the ones I love.
I just am sad and I wanna stay that way. So dont tell me what to do.