I wonder what is there in the next 5 years. Will I’ll be richer? So much in love with the man I have been searching for all this life? Or will I still be alive then?
Each day that passes I can’t help but wonder what’s next.

And each time of every day there never is a time where I scan the crowd in search of this great love. What a pity! I am lonely being 28 and alone. I have not been very lucky in finding that great love. Neither those in between this great love, say, fling or short term love story. It has yet to occur. It lies in my hands to let it happen, I just don’t know how to make it happen. A single hello to a prospective candidate gets me “bound and gagged”!

What should I do to find this one great love?

I am open to short term love story but the problem is I get obsessed. I wonder if, in theory, my thoughts about being in love to someone are REALLY love or is just a phase of infatuation or me being immature in this area.

I am, I think inlove, but infatuated. I don’t know. It always happens in a very unexpected time and always with the wrong people. I am, as a matter of fact, fighting the feeling I have for someone. True. This kind of man to man love is a hard thing. You can never be sure about the object of the affection’s feelings. And I am beginning to get convinced that, if ever there is such a thing as man to man love story, it is only temporary. A bitter phase in every homosexual dreamer in this heterosexual society. If there ever is a one true man to man love that last for a lifetime, I believe is only a one in a million great loves.

Let me be honest. Generally, a heterosexual human being’s connotation of a gay man is about his actions: numerous one night stands, one partner to another, orgy, basically it all boils down to perversion. Yes, to a normal heterosexual who, in one way or another, is open but somehow despises the gay lifestyle, a gay man is nothing but SEX written all over him.

How many gay men are there in this world who does not patronize sex? Sex with, if possible, to every hot man they come across with? I’ll not wash my hands on this one. I honestly have this kind of feeling sometimes. Call me twisted but a guy like me, who is single, aloof, have a world of his own couldn’t help but fantasize what is to be carefree, with a sense of sexual adventure, fun, and leniency towards everything about life.

I am, not clinically speaking, obsessive compulsive. I live by the rules. Rules which are societal. A norm. Whenever there is something I did which later on I think is against the norm, I digress. As much as possible I would like to please everyone. And because I am not pleasing everyone, I tend to be aloof. I’d rather be alone than do or say something which might have me cold feet. It is not at all closely OC but because I want to be like perfect in everyone’s eyes, suggests some abnormal behavior I posses. And that said, I agree, I need some behavioral modification treatment. Or worse, psychoanalysis.

I am gay and I am not denying that. But I will not admit I want habitual sex neither casual. I like sex, who doesn’t, but I will not go as far as group sex, or what-have-yous in the porn industry which are rather appalling and repulsive all the same. Admittedly, however horrendous those actions were in porn (gay porn particularly), it is entertaining. It is a sort of fantasy. A wild fantasy which of course is never meant to be applied or make real in one’s experience. What I want is something emotional. Like, as my colleague would always say with conviction, “make LOVE”, with an enormous stress on the word LOVE. Making love can be casual or habitual also but in this sense with the one great love If not with the one in between the search of one great love or short term love story. By those I mean, one on one, no other tentacles attached. And only with the one in the span of that one short love story. Faithful is the word.

Is there going to be a one great love for a gay man like me? Or is it just short term love stories and we move on to finding the next?

That being said sounds like having multiple partners. Like, short term love makes up as an excuse to have multiple partners, one after the other.

But to me that isn’t so. “In betweens” would mean faithful relationship, a monogamous one, not with more than just one in the span of the love story.
You see, who could guess that this “in between”, “short love stories” en route to finding the one great love, can be the one great love afterall? We would never know. It’s a risk to take, you know. A sort of love quest. Or it is a love quest!

I am in search of my “in betweens”, or a “short term love story”, eventually leading me to my one great love. I don’t have in betweens and I am desperate for one, just to have a start in this quest. I had had one night stands and to this date I am posting this I pledge that I will stay in solitary pleasure. ‘Til I find that start up is only when I unite my self with theirs. I am searching for love and sex will be involve. Or let me rephrase that, “making love will be involved”.

I am open to love stories with deadlines. Love stories with arrangements that can somehow be tragic in the end. I am desperate like I said. It scares me however, that I might end up investing too much emotion if there are deadlines in the end. A love story with a time frame. There is a prospective candidate for this love story with a time frame. Something like, I have to make a deal with him even if it means cheating the emotions I or we could both feel. Only, I just couldn’t say it out loud to him. It’s a pathetic thing to do if I do make a deal with him. He may not agree and entirely put myself in shame.

I don’t know what I am talking about. I just feel I have to say things like this. Like this an open letter, a pitiful cry for help in reaching out for that mystery of who or what will complete me.