December 17, 2006

My recovery from such upsetting rejection seemed fast! Yeah, so fast that I am actually in a very good mood today the moment I woke up. There are still residues of the thought but it won't pester me anymore! Of course, also, there are questions I've asked on void as to WHY ---- which I will tell you later on in this post.

Today...is such a beautiful gloomy day. I woke up at 1:30 am to attend the 4am simbang gabi. When I got home at 5:30, I prepared myself a glass of warm milk and looked through the enticing morning. Then, I realized, even if there isn’t sun rise visible, I would never trade the compelling view of the sun rising for anything! That goes the same way for a gloomy morning like this. It is on days like this that set my hopes high, the weary disposition of the day, weird as it is to most, emancipates a sort of joviality to me.

Well, I was sort of heart broken from a love declined and feared shall decay. Yet today...each cool gust and the seemingly ardent climate make me want to flower with love more.... and shine with fresh colors and scent when the sun shines tomorrow.

As I scribble this, I thought of Hazen. A buddy I surely did forget where in the web have I met him, to you I apologise. He visits this blog and emails me his thoughts about a certain post I made. I particularly remember his thoughts on loneliness which follows below:

There are only 3 emotions; happy, sad and angry.

Loneliness is a state of being, like being in love. For some people
being alone is happiness. For others it is sadness.
It is isn't possible to be eternally happy. Or even angry. Because
happy and angry are action emotions. They use up massive amounts of energy. Only
when we are sad, can we rest.

Sadness lets us analyze stuff going on around us.

Thinking of what his opinions about it, he is right. It is in sadness that we come to think of our lives. Loneliness, if I may say so, is a series of consecutive sad events but not necessarily depression. For depression would be a disorder and needs to be treated professionally. I am not going to reiterate what my thoughts and opinions about loneliness or sadness as well as discuss about his because today, I am very glad. Very very glad that from one down point it rises up to a calibre where some rejected people cannot reach. No, I am not bragging but I do think I have the mind and thinking similar to any Da Vinci wannabes. I may be a little short of discipline and rarely smile but I have an pen mind, inquisitive thoughts and a restless heart which most judgmental people don’t know about yours truly. The reason is, they don’t have time to know me or anyone like me. That being said, to some of you who read me, would convey egocentricity.

Well, yes, I have some issues about my ego. In my observation about myself, since I rarely talk, my egotistical self is kept upon thyself. And I play the part of the fool. Thus, I don’t affect anyone, which is good I think because I always see to it that I will not hurt anyone with how I view things. Unless there is a need to raise mine is the time I will speak up. [And] at times, I get carried away with certain exchanges that my intonation becomes annoying, coupled with gestures and facial expressions that’ll surely spill a cup of coffee on the table. You see, when I speak up, I speak up with confidence even if what I am saying is completely far out from the view. Not to brag, but I can make both ends meet (even if they actually don’t!). And so, I know it is bad. It is one of those pieces from my shattered self that I need to look in to...and, if not change, tone down.

Again, I love the weather today! It is very stimulating and it makes me want to exhaust all my brain energy to think about “something and everything”...or read a good book (which unfortunately I have nothing to read), or write (even if for the nth time I’ve been letting you all know, and it show, I cannot write. I am just forcing myself to write and be a wannabe writer, besides, it’s healthy.)

Anyway, to conclude the reason of today’s post is one of the “something and everything” I am thinking. Well, I actually already have thought of it and done thinking about was the rejection from the fish. Uhmm...big fishes don’t need baits, do they? While in the course of catching the fish, I didn’t have a bait because I want to go clean. I want no one to harm, no worms and small fishes, no dynamites, not even fishnets. I was innocently sailing. ------------------- I guess fishes smell differently when they’re out of water and they smell the longer when they’re out of it. They die and smell even more. What I am saying is this: the fish jumped in my boat as I went fishing after quite a long time. Whatever the fish’s reason for doing so, I don’t know. There was nevertheless any evident reasons if he wants to be in my boat or any lack of a certain desire. The fishermen I am with feed me with assumptions that he has the interest to sail with me. I didn’t entertain that thought or give myself my own assumptions. I also am not sure if there are other fishermen among us eyeing for the fish. I didn’t think that there was and don’t really care if they needed the fish more that I do. Careless that I was to have the fish, other fishermen, particularly one sailor, are corresponding with the fish as well (as the fish to them). After all, they are old fishermen whom the fish already knew. Whatever they talked about I don’t really know, and don’t really care. But what I do care about is to at least have the decency to let me know that I can’t have you (you fish) for I will understand. The other fishermen told me so. And that’s the thing that hurt me. I am not complaining, after all I was just fishing relentlessly and the odds are inevitable. And fishes do come and go.

It just targeted my ego that other fishermen, who as far as I know are not eyeing to catch the fish, know what it is that you intend to tell [them] which was supposed to be said only to me. ONLY TO ME!

Now do you see where I am coming form? And you sailor, since the fish told you, why not tell me when the fish told you so to tell me? Why hesitate? Was it because you’re trying to protect me? C’mon?! It would hurt a bit but it should have not hurt like the way that it did/ the fish said he was shy to tell me. Was it because the fish doesn’t want to offend me? But guess what, the fish did! I asked the fish why did he not answer me?

The fish answered them (and showed them) the question that I didn’t tell them to ask the fish, which for heaven’s sake, should have been only between the fish and I. besides, I didn’t ask the fish face to face. I asked the fish through “fish waves” wherein I believe makes it easier to say things we are “shy” to say, or tell me, is it not?

Breathing deeply. Shrug of shoulders. Blow enormous amount of smoke. There! I’ve said it! It just feels good to let it out.

The fish will not die in my boat because before it does and smell even more, I’ve kicked it out back to the ocean or at someone else’s boat, whichever place he lands, so be it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lonely with how it turns out for me. I was just sad about not telling me personally. WAS SAD. I wasn’t complaining, just asking. It broke my heart but just a bit. And, if I say I am shattered...yes I am, but it doesn’t have anything to do with the fish. I already was shattered and with what happened made me realized that I have forgotten I was shattered. So thank you. It reminded me that I have some pieces to pick.

This is the last time I’m talking about fishing. But not sailing. Perhaps I should try bird watching. They’re beautiful creatures, don’t you think so? =)

The weather is so good, so promising, and so lovely. Its drizzling, just about right to wash the residues. The silence... is such a music to my ears now.
I've picked one of the pieces... and need to pick some more.

Shall I go sail? or watch the birds?

You don't have to answer that. I know what to do...I'll do both.

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The sun has not shone yesterday, and sadly not today. But my heart did and my face lit up. I am glowing and smiling...which is just about right.