December 14, 2006

I have never done thisd for a long time...having a pen in my hand, paper to scribble these words on and make a coherent thought or at least I think it is cherent enough. Everytime I do this, if papers and pen could say it out loud,
"my master wants to run away, again.". I think they would've. These two things, if personified, knows me too well.

YES. If only I could. I want to run away, literally run miles and miles and miles away...whichever way, north...east...west...south... I dont really care right now. Running at this point in time of my luife is the way to get this troubles from making me feel unworthy of anything. Thought figuratively though. I am dreadfully aware it is very unhealthy. Pero...literally, gusto ko talagang tumakbo. God! if only I would've.

I want to cry but I had enough of crying. It is time I face a battle that is unknown to me for the longest time. A battle I myself is the enemy.

In the humidity of this day, a bit of meories of a supposed to be good but entirely bad night, I sit here, with this pen in my hand...looking at the green and the blue and feeling each drop of sweat run through my back and on my forehaed...I could'nt think of anything but running away. I just really wanna run away.

...keep on runnning...

run...

...and run.

The blue fish is gone. I barely know the creature but the thought of not catching the fish is giving me enormous pain. A pain that actually doesn't hurt...and it scares me bacuase I know it is pain but I think i became numb to feel it. I am not lonely. I am just sad....

My hopes came crashing down, for the fish.

But I am ok.

Its not the end of the world.

And I barely know the fish anyway.

The thing I am not alright with is the thought of not getting to know the fish...and never will. It will be a stab on my chest if I continue to dwell in the hopes of having to swim with the shinny fish in the deep ocean. Last night was the time to have everything clear. Just that, and I should go on. But this time I am not gonna fish. I will just sail.

I am not borken hearted.

i am shattered...

...into bits, for loosing another subject...for the 3rd time.

I am not gonna pick myslef up to put the pieces together.

I will let myself be broken.

But will continue to live and sail with life and love the way it should be, however shattered.

This is a sense of hopelessness but I say i am not. Hoping is the only comfort I have. And hoping is the key to keep my battery full and have me going when the going gets tough.

I am sad. I dont feel it the way it should be felt right now, but i know I am. All I feel inside is like the feeling when you stand in the middle of the road looking through the straight view and wondering how far it is. Like, its a blank, empty feeling....

And so, I wanna feel the water run through me and cleanse this feeeling I am familiar with which strangely enough, I cannot fathom.

Then I wanna run even shattered, in my deepest thoughts, stopping at every bits, giving a name to every piece. For when I get to know every piece, it is easier to put myself back together again. Scarred. But still complete.

By then, I can go on, not broken but in full.

And again...I am fine...I am ok.

-----------------------------------------
A few days back, I receive this SMS from someone:

One day he'll care for me like I care for him.
One day he'll miss me like I miss him.
One day he'll want me...
and by then...
I wont.

So good to read btu what if they dont want you by then?? That is the question. No worries, though. The feeling will just die away. tust me, I know. :-)

Last night I couldnt sleep. I couldnt stop thinking about my broken heart, needless to say that I rarely fall inlove, yet, I got beaten by the cupid, and for the 3rd time,for shooting the arrow always at the wrong spot. I needed to talk with someone about it, but I thought I just needed to keep it for myself for a while, And I needed some thinking. Then I thought of my friend Carmen, who never get lost of ideas, and talking with her usually eases my aching heart. I texted her, why for the third time, I've fallen inlove rejected and always unrequitedly...is there something wrong with me? I asked her.

She did not reply.

I fell asleep.

This morning when I woke up, I got this reply from her. A Fwd message.

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go.
Its like we're scared to lose what we dont even really have.
Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing
But the truth is:
To have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.

Something i've always known but I always forget. I always knew she would ease me with her rugged wits. Just the slap I needed to start my day.

But like my friend Janis said on her last post,

i am not in the mood to watch the sunrise please. ...not now, not ever (but indefinitely).