I am never myself these days. Or, is it that this being not myself is actually myself all the while and the only way I am not myself (when I tag it as I am not being myself) is when I am actually ... well ... in a good mood. Wait. I am confused. Did I just say that? I confused myself there.

See, I guess I am not myself at all...ok...let me say it again, I Am Myself again(almost always actually)! Don't tell me I am loosing my mind 'cause I am pretty aware I may be am. Being in a good mood for me these days is a rare thing to happen. Sure. I know. I row my own boat. And its definitely my bad if I row it on a stomy weather. So dont think I dont know what I am doing becuase i definitely do. I have my options to choose from, but you know what, its not about options. Its about a limited options to nonexisting options, say, things I make up and, like, wanna choose from. Yeah, crazy. So actually, when you're limited from doing the things you actually wanna do, you get all tensed, imaginative, and kind of loose yourself then puff!! You're one pathetic unorganized son of a bitch!

I don't know whats going on with my leg, by the way. A week ago, while on the phone with my friend AnnaLeah, my left foot itched. I scratched it with my right heel. I guess I scratched it too hard unconsciously as I laugh on the phone with my friend. First layer of my skin there was scraped and it sting. Normally, it just turn into a brownish color after a scrape, and it did. But I wasn't expecting that several days after it will turn out into a disaster. I dont know what to call this scrape turned to minor abrasion to a fucking wound! When I get wounds I get lymph nodes and when I get lymph nodes thats when I determine it to be a semi serious wound. Yesterday, I can barely walk! Oh, yeah, I can barely walk even without the lymph nodes but it rather made me wanna just lay down in bed until it goes away. But I didn't. I went out walking with my friend Lee Jack. When I got home past midnight, turned the tv on I felt like I was going to catch a fever so I decided to take some antibiotics for the wound and went to sleep. So yeah, other that the wound which I still have by the way, I dont know what happening with my right leg: the one broken, crushed, locked and nailed in steel one. Well I can walk, thats one thing I am happy about actually. Bbut I dont know if I should be like jumping for joy from being able to walk at least a little bit better. I cant wait to see my doctor on the 8th so I'd know what's going on.

On the same leg still, last night on my way to Lee Jack's I felt a strange muscle pain on my right foot. The pain is located underneath the left strap of my flipflops (slippers). I tried to recall what i did in order for me to determine why it gave me that pain all of a sudden but I couldnt think of anything other that trying to raise my heel on my toes from the ground (err..got it?). Anyway, it still is aching but maybe it'll just go away soon.

Now what I am afraid of is I may have diabetes. My younger sister who is a graduate of nursing (and waiting for the results of the nursing board which she took two weeks ago) told me i may have type 1 diabetes since its strange that minor wounds that I get last for weeks and sadly, yes sadly, sometimes to a year (unless treated with the wonderful cream I wanna have again CLOBESALIC). My grandmother agreed. She, too, was diagnosed with diabetes (i dont know what type) but I think she's getting off of it from the drugs she has been taking. Diabetes is in my family's lineage. My great grandmother (my grandmother's mom) died of diabetes on 1998. Yaya, as we, grandchildren and great grandchildren call her, had her left (if i am not mistaken) middle finger amputated and after a year when they cut that finger off, one of her big toe-finger got cut off. I dont remeber which big toe was it. So I am afraid this diabetes may have fallen on me! This July since i am going to my doctor for a check up, we may as well have my blood sugar checked and en route to a dermatologist for this eczemous looking wounds I got from mosquito bites as well as other skin problems I am having! Talk about unfair[ness]. Wherever did this bad skin lineage came from, mother side - father side, Good job in making my life miserable! oh just kidding! at least I am alive and still kicking (only left leg is able to that by the way.)

I just hope all these assumptions about me having diabetes is incorrect. All brought about by paranoia! Well, just in case, I need some good meal plans and everything healthy. Now that sucks, big time, doesn't it?

Lastly last saturday I was at my friend Maricon's (whos picture I forgot to take but she has on her camera which I forgot to ask) for the baranggay fiesta! Although it was raining, Lee Jack and I went. The plan was right after Maricon's we will hang out at AnnaLeah's. But it took us hours before we could even hang out at Annaleah's. We had brandy at Maricon's. Two grandes of Matador Brandy which by the way only Lee Jack and I finished up to the very last drop! I was surprised to see two of my high school batch mates, Luke and Timothy, at Maricon's house. I haven't seen them both after graduation on March 1997 so it was kind of awkward at first to converse with them (not to mention that they dont know about my openness about my sexuality compared back then). Well, thnaks to Matador, it loosened me up and started to become talkative and as normal as it would sound when I am drunk, flirted a little bit with Luke. LOL. Flirted in a friendly way. It's Lee Jack who flirted too much on Luke since Lee Jack came from a diffirent highschool among us. and they just first met, and probably will never meet again, as far as my assumption goes. Anyway, right after getting a little too tipsy, we went to AnnaLeahs. Here are pictures to end today's post:


So this is Luke. Brainy in HS.Mathwiz. Chemical Engineer by profession


Luke and I. Me=drunk


This is Timothy. In HS he only has the award for Mother Rita Barcelo Loyalty Excellence Award (if I am not mistaken). and it is a huge gold plated medal. College Professor by profession in Ateneo de Naga University.


Well...Me! Again.


AnnaLeah's cute cute bitch.


Again, two bitches that gets along too well.


Finally, a teaser! Oh let me be your teaser whoever you are. That's the least I can do. :-D well... to just a few people. I am so glad virtually no one actually visit this blog. i do not have to worry about wrong grammar, that I can't write or the funny boldy blody kind of picture i took of myself.


So if you're a frequent here, sHhHhHhh...let it be your secret. I ditch popularity.

The neighborhood that I am in is getting...whachamacallit? BORING! From the monotonous life there is there, it has now come to dead! It makes me just wanna go away and live somewhere, not in the same neighborhood, definitely not in this town I came to love but somewhere where life or fun or anything else that makes every aspect or one's personality essential.

I dont why I see my neighborhood that way these days. A way in which everything looks pale to me even if its surrounded with fresh greenery. But - it has something to do with the people. Most of them who lived in the neighborhood are farmers which is not bad at all. Every harvest gives the abundance of rice, and money for some. The problem i see is, is that all there is? After an all days work of farming or whatever is it they do, they drink way way too much alcohol! It seems to me that Sta Lucia is full of alcoholic residents. Everyday, I see some one's son buy a bottle of beer, or gin (which is commonly known in the area as bilog), or matador brandy (which by the way, is the popular brandy in the province lately. as a matter fact it is very A Ok brnady). Some times it is not the parent who will drink but the sons and friends. Some i know, I even get a taste of what they drink whenever I pass by a group of youngster having a good time over a bottle of something.

You see, there is no age control with these kind of shebangs here: the drinking or the smoking if i may say so. It could be said that parents in the neighborhood have bad parenting skills (which is, not so much of a surprise, true). I am not saying every one have bad parenting skills in the neighborhood for there are some who have good parental control over their minors. I salute them since I grew up under a not so well family environment myself.
As early as 13 yers old they have a taste of their first beer, or gin, or brandy or cigarette. The cigarette, not so much. Kids know its a bad take to smoke but some really wild kids try. Good thing they dont get hooked. As far as I know they don't. But the drinking, they get their first taste at an early age but i dont know for sure if they go on drinking after that. My cousin is 15 years old and he sometimes comes home drunk. I wanna get mad when he comes home like that, but I know he knows what he is doing and his limits. So i let him do his thing and well, learn from them. Good thing is my grandparents always nag him about his behavior, Same nagging I got when i was in his age (minus the drinking). I started drinknig at the age of 18 but had my first taste at 15. i also started smoking at 18.

Drugs?? in the neigborhood? YESSSS. I know a few who uses drugs there. I know but i dont know for sure if they really do. A number of them are marijuana users and a few take this thing called shabu or both. I damn hate these drugs, and then mixed with alcohol...man these people get too insane under its influence. Well, i havent seen anyone run amok under its influence. But last night I was told by my neighbors whom I hanged out with that it has happened in the seemingly quite sta lucia neighborhood. Several times. So I asked, where the hell was I when these things happen?!! I never knew my neighbors are as scary as those violent people I heard of. I have the sudden change of behavior towards the community after being told about that. I am not really at peace even before with the community I am in but at least i know I was safe in there...on second thought...I guess not anymore. Well as long as i do them no wrong then I am safe.

ok. I dont know if i am making sense here. Writing under time pressure is making me crazy. Again, i am in a cafe, and every minute is charging me so i am like running fast to maximize the time i have.

So the neighborhood is boring, dead, dull and its wearing me out. The things I mentioned about alcohol, bad parenting, drugs are not the things that makes it boring. The community is just plain boring. The silent neighborhood have its dark secrets I never know of. Scary scary dark secrets that happens from time to time. I hate to think that i am hating the place I am in, but it seems like it. I grew up in sta lucia and I love it there immensely :-D. Now that I have grown up and childhood friends got married, went away abroad or whereever to work while I, single, sexless and everything is just a bummer wanting to get away from this town or this neighborhood (or even this country) where each of my childhood memory has been corrupted with this thing called growing up and its responsibilities.

I really cannot describe how boring the neighborhood(or the town) has become. My sister and my cousin feel it too. Whew! ok, here, there are mentally depressed individuals in the neighborhood. Drugs, could have contributed but because the town has no action going on, lifeless and no solidarity among others as compared to some baranggays, no question some residents are becoming insane. or say, maybe, the drugs they take to get away from the boring community at a certain moment made them crazy! What a pity. A beautiful baranggay with crazy residents. I think even I is getting crazy. I am turning to cigarettes to shoo boredom away! God! there is just nothing to do in the poor neighborhood, in this wasteland of a town, and in this sinking country!

Ok. so I was bored when I did this. Clean, not drugged. Just bored.

Seven days has passed since my last post, not the usual everyday post or every other days post. Our computer broke down. The modem actually. It just dont wanna work anymore. It tries to connect but the remote computer is not responding it says. Sometimes when i try to connect it says no dial tone even if our phone line is working properly. So i guessed the modem might just gave up on me. So if there are frequent visitors to this blog, im sorry, but i'll try to entertain you the msot i could with this so - called life as I know it.

We got a new TV. After that stupid shebang i did, not leaving a note not to use the tv, after 2 days, we bought a new one, flat screen but not a flat tv.... Im glad, new tv.

its been raining and i am liking it. i am not complaining about the hot temperature which has been a problem to me these days.

and i am in a internet cafe. So this post wont be long. I still have to go to the grocery with my neighbor - friend Olga to buy something we are going to sell tomorrow. Yes, i am going to sell this thing we call street food here in the Philippines. My friend and I will sell during the afternoons in the neighborhood. well, just a past time and then earn some cash. not much but at least i have something.

I'll try to blog at least once a week or whenever I have the time (or someone to accompany me going to this cafe. I go frequent here before i wasnt online.).

lastly, My dog, Kikay, is no longer a virgin. Today she flirted with our askal Scoobie. I have pictures but sadly I cannot connect the cable on this computer. I'll find ways to post the pics here soon. I wonder what will come out of Kikay's offspring just in case she gets pregnant. A maltese and a local dog. What breed do you think that would be? Im excited to find out what her puppies will be. :-)

That is all for now. Sorry, no time for sadness or anything deeper... I dont own the place and the computer. I can't exert emotions. About my fat - almost - naked pics....Soon. I have new ones... this time, its outdoor! *grin*

Okay.

My fingers are touching the keys and beginning to speak. I was battling for almost 2 hours now if I should write something or not. Blogger is wide open on a separate window, minimized, while i browse blogs, or just about any link I click, and be taken there. You see, I am fucking bored...when wasn't i bored(?), you may notice but damn(!) this boredom is like no fucking other boredom! School has started for most of the highschool people around the neighborhood and college starts next week. And where does that take me??? Nowhere. For another six goddamn months I will try to fugure out what the hell should I do with my fucked up life. Not that I am able to do anything that needs a lot of strength already, but at least anything that is (like what I have mentioned in my earlier posts) rewarding, income generating and worthy of my time.

I am actually persuading my transvestite friends to teach me how to paint someone's face from the well known lancome, maybelline, etceteras to the most common masa make-up, Ever Bilena. My transvestite friends are, i suppose I should say innately capable of doing someone's face and making them shine with glamour with the help of those cosmetics ("doing"(?) it sounds like, horrible!)! How do I say that, is it making - up or just plain make - up? It is a common stereotyping form of a hobby and profession in this side of the country for homosexuals. That is why its a tough to argue when some kid or just some old aged tambay, who thinks he/she knows so much, thinks that beautifying some one with make - ups is a so gay thing. So, I am thinking as well, that if i give in to developing the "make-up" skill i will be tagged as so gay even if infact it is true that I am gay (minus the so). Anyway, the point is, I dont have anything to do. I can't think of any other ways to spend the days of the year and make money. At least, if i know how to make - up then I can join my transvestite friends whenever they have bookings wherein they can be paid a satisfactorily amount of sum, or, be a parlorista for the rest of the year just to have some bucks to save and pay off my huge huge mobile phone bill. Phone bill that I have no intention of disregarding. If i just have not had been into that car accident and broke this beautiful now ugly legs, i will not have this huge amount of debt! WAAAAAAAAHHHH!

My younger half gay brother called this afternoon (and yes, I have a half brother and he is soo gay!) and we chit chat some gayishness over the phone when I asked him to teach me how. And you know what he said? He said:

"adi man ah si diday, ta kukumpetensyawon pa kaming mga okang!!"

(its hard to translate it but what he meant was that I shouldnt try to learn it cause i should not compete with them gays in earning money by doing make - ups)

in his very gay, fast taga-iriga way of speaking.

So you can't blame me if this blog SCREAMS of SADNESS. I got an email from someone nice and told me this blog screams of sadness, which is true, apparently. Yea, i think I have emotional issues to sitdown and talk with with a therapist but that is not the case. Whatever emotional issues I may have are not that big of a deal. They are, if I may say, just an attack of premenstrual cycle symptoms if i were a girl *laughs* and some emotional issues with some attachment to my past that i know I need to get over and done with. Eh, ganun talaga, there are people who are born with a silver spoon and some people with no spoon at all something to that effect, if ever that makes sense. Silver spoon, beauty, or just about anything lucky in this world are some things I lack and i dont wanna think about what I lack. Nakakainis isipin (its hard/annoying to think about) what I dont have. So I should focus on what I have. And that reminds me of the Gulong ng Palad(wheel of life) jest my friends and I talk about all the time. We jest about who's wealthy who's not among us. Dont get me wrong, because we are all not wealthy money wise. We just wanna joke about who is rich and who isn't. Of course each one of us go for the im not rich way.

By the way, our TV exploded early yesterday morning. Without the TV as the given for entertainment is one thing which added to this boredom. It exploded when my grandpa plugged the the tv to the usual 220volts outlet when the tv works for a 110v. Its my fault why it exploded. I took the transformer used to convert the volts to my room and/to use it for the portable dvd player i borrowed from AnnaLeah yesterday. I was thinking of leaving a note not to use the TV but I guess I forgot. I forgot because of my eagerness to watch damn porn in my dusty unorganized room, on bed free to masturbate any moment i feel like doing so (which I did as a matter of fact and came twice). So that short moment of visual pleasure ended up for until who knows when longing for the mainstream entertainment. Whew! Fucking horny(ness)!

Lastly, for the whole month of June, I have my childhood friend-neighbor Olga to hang out with. She came home last night from Manila because she doesn't have work anymore and is yet waiting for a call from her employer. At least, for, maybe 30 days or so, I have someone to chat neighborhood gossips, kakulitan, kasigawan at kabaklaan, and basically just hang out with if everything nice when in solitude fails.

The Pornstar in me is back

Want more of this?

Its funny how close friends react to these kind of pics I posted. Some are at Friendster and.. well... I am glad to make them laugh their heart out when they saw them. I am not offended when they say I am fat (cause I am fat) or that I have a lot of guts to pose such as above or that I am a porn starlet or anything of that sort, as well as saying that those kind of my pics are best for Gigolo or Valentino (gay tabloid magazines in the Philippines I havent heard about until a gay friend commented about the pics). For the love of God(!!) spare me from those magazines! But anyway, even if they can't read this, I wanna say Thank you to all of them who have laughed and said good funny comments at my pics, no offense to yours truly cause they were laughs at a good way. I wanna see how people close to me (or even passers by on this blog if there are any) reacts to my artsy work coupled with my naughty side. i am gonna post the other remaining pics unless i get comments within this week for this entry. If not...well, i am gonna post them anyway still hahahahaha. Please, be kind, click on Comments and say something...anything.

So today, i went to Lorean...Atty. Lorean Cortan's (my bad!) thanksgiving party. As usual, I came in late, as in super late where everyone's almost gone, and the place is packing up! It was suppose to be at four pm but i got hooked up watching The Buzz on tv. As expected, I wasn't able to take pics, pics that I promised my friend Fatima. Well, Annaleah took some pics which i will ask from her soon. Most of the pics annaleah took was through her polaroid but she has a few on her digital camera.



I dont have much to say for tonight. I'll leave this blog with these pics I took (and Andoy, Lorean's boyfriend). And oh, I will ride the masses humming this Peng You 朋友 (Friend). It is in fact a catchy song and the thought is nice. I copied the lyric somewhere after googling it(lyric's below).


a candid shot.AnnaLeah on her Polaroid and Lee Jack blabbing.


Atty. Lorean and I at Petron Iriga, stopped for gas. On the way to Sarah's.


Sarah and your's truly at their garden


Moi.

Before we left Sarah's tonight, we played along with the camera (everything was on polaroid. these are all i got).


this is how we models flock before a photo shoot. ehehehehe


From a simple one...


...to the big one!


If i can just scan what was taken from the polaroid. those were the great ones! Now heres Peng You 朋友 (Friend) lyrics. I have to log out and watch DVD's I borrowed from AnnaLeah.

* Ze xie nian, yi ge ren
All these years, alone

Feng ye guo, yu ye zou
The wind has passed, the rain had gone

You guo lei, you guo cuo
There were tears, there were wrongs

Hai ji de jien chi shen me
Things we hold dear I still recall

Zhen ai guo, chai hui tong
If you've had true love, then you would know

Hui ji muo, hui hui shou
There is loneliness, there are goodbyes

Zhong you meng, zhong you ni
There are dreams, always there is you

Zai xin zhong
In my heart

** Peng you yi shen yi chi zou
Friends walk this life together

Na xie ri zhi bu zhai you
Those days will not return

Yi ju hua, yi bei zhi
One word, one life

Yi shen ching, yi bei jiu
A lifetime relationship, a cup of wine

Peng you bu cheng gu tan gou
With friends you won't be lonely

Yi shen peng you, ni hui dong
Lifelong friends, you'd understand

Hai you shang, hai you tong
There are wounds, there is pain

Hai yao zou
Must go our separate ways

hai you wo
Always there is me

One of my girl best friend, Carmen, came to town last tuesday from Manila to have her braces removed. She hailed from here so the town is nothing new to her but she's spending most of her "to come" years in the metro because of work. Last post was rather painstakingly awkward because of my sudden irrational behavior due to my boredom, but don't get me wrong, Life is good and it is indeed hard to go through life but Life is damn fun!

I spent the days of the week going out. Sometimes just at home but during the afternoons I went out walking with Lee Jack and Carmen. Last wednesday we went drinking here at home and spent the whole night chatting over marlboro's, chips, mayonnaise and beer. Thursday we went walking and eating street foods and planned to drink brandy by night but since Carmen lives quite distant from the "suburban" looking area where Lee Jack and I live we didn't. Because after our afternoon walks, we went to our own respective residences by 7pm to have dinner but agreed to meet up at Lee Jack's after. Carmen may have forgotten. We could've had but Carmen may have been used to Manila "time" or best said Manila lifestyle. She maybe thought that even by 12 midnight there'd be still public transportation. She was still eager to go out by 11:45pm! In this town, if you live quite far from the mercado, public tranportation is impossible if you need to go somewhere from 10pm till 5am. Unless you have a bike, a car, or a scooter then you can go anywhere you desire just be equipped with a driver's license since local TMG (traffic management group) have become very demanding about that (oh, you dont need a driver's license to drive a bike). If you'd like to walk, then go ahead. That's what Lee Jack and I do whenever we wanna go out during the "unfriendly" hours. When we go home we either rent a tricycle or walk home, anyway, our area is just a few meters away so we can easily walk it. But since I can't walk normally the way I did before, we rent a tricycle from time to time. Lee Jack was actually really looking forward to drink brandy last night and we're suppose to have it at his house down in their basement. I havent stayed at their basement to go drinking beer 'cause he never invited me. There was once last December but I dont wanna risk drinking and go home walking drunk with my crutches on. His friend's who are my acquaintances already said is very nice to go drinking and bonding down at their basement.
And yeah, for 4 days, Im cane free!!!! Yahoooo! The week was just so happy. I had fun this week. Although i get bored from time to time, the week was fun. Thanks to Carmen. Someone new, I saw.

But...

...back to all same routine. Carmen has left for manila tonight.



Tomorrow, my friend Lorean's (Attorney Lorean) thnaksgiving party for passing the bar. I made the invitation for her and of course, i am invited. That's at four pm.

Before Lee Jack and I went home after sending off Carmen, I decided to go to church and pray. There were changes at our parish. Since the time i left home even after the accident when I've been sayinbg i will go to church, i havent gone to church at all. Tonight I did. Lots of changes. The altar changed. they restored it. My friend said its because the altar is years old and need to be restored unless it will give up. From the common altar painted in off white, the altar is golden now. heres the pic.



oh well... another day, another week. Let's see what's in store next. here are pics i took this week.


View from above the veranda at 6:30pm while waiting for Carmen and Lee Jack to come over.


Last thursday at 11pm at my friend's Lee Jack's. In front of their house by the street.


a view from Lee Jack's house at 6pm last friday.


Carmen made a self portrait while we were waiting for Lee Jack at his house last friday