Rainy days has come. This afternoon, it rained. The kind of rain that makes you wanna sit with a cup of coffee, a pack of cigarettes if you smoke, and be carried away with the beautiful rainfall. I sat by the veranda near my room and inhaled the fresh scent of the rain as it washes away the dust from the trees and the grasses. With my camera phone at hand, I tried to capture how the water blends with the soil, how they wet the leaves, and the magic of how fast they fall. But my attempts were futile. My camera phone cannot capture the reality as they unfold.

And that goes the same way to what I have in mind. It seems that I cannot set eyes on the reality of my life as they happen. I see them before my very eyes but I seemingly pretend as if what I see is not what I am seeing. The realities of life pierce me deep if I put my full attention. In order for me to avoid the pain and the disgust what reality offers I put on an imaginary state of mind. That I guess is what holds me to be miserable.

Some personality on TV last Sunday said kung puro ka lang pangarap, walang mangyayari sa’yo. When he said that, it feels like he is saying it to me. True, I have a million dreams. The simplest dreams have come true but the big dreams that will probably define me as me, identify my place in this so called world, no, not yet. Worse, I have done nothing as of yet to make them come true. I am not aggressive. I have no faith in what I can do. I don’t know what I can do as a matter of fact. Maybe, I’m good at dreaming, at make believing. Ang lungkot kung iisipin pero hindi ko alam kung ano at paano ko gagawin ang mga bagay bagay para ayusin ang buhay ko. Naguguluhan ako sa buhay ko. I don’t know where to start, where I should begin to arrange my life and have a comfortable living. Ang daming bumabagabag sa isip ko and I couldn’t help but think about what have gone wrong in the past to have made me be this way. By this way, I mean the way that I am: dependent, no money, no income, inferior, not aggressive, lonely, single, bobo, walang talent, ugly, fat, and the list can go on and on.

Sa pagiging inferior ng utak ko, all I can do best is, I can dream. Some people think of me as someone who knows a lot of things but the fact is konti lang ang alam ko. I don’t like to argue. If my ideas are not in tune with some people, they bombard me with theirs which is in fact sometimes better than mine…or maybe mine is better only that I just couldn’t stand up for them. That is why during a group sessions either at work (when I still have one) or gathered with friends I am the listener. Sometimes I pretend to listen and when that is the case, my mind always fly away somewhere thinking how can I prove myself worthy of anyone’s attention. I don’t crave for attention, that’s the least that I need, but I just want to be heard sometimes. Prove my worth and that I can do something I can be proud of. But I don’t know what it is that I can do best. You know, I know I am being heard also, the thing is I am not effective in anyway. That’s why I don’t argue. Alam ko namang wala akong sinabi sa mga taong nakakahagilap ko. I am not street wise nor am I wise at all. ‘Di ko alam pano mabuhay. Ang hirap mabuhay.

I am pretty sure something in my past went wrong. It could be me but definitely my parents played a significant role why I am like this. There are things I did wrong in the past, but I am not saying I am a bad nor a goody goody person. I don’t do drugs, I am not having sex, I am doing nothing actually. Perhaps what ever wrong I have done in the past to have made me me is brought upon some misguided times and my hard headedness trying to be rebellious which I don’t clearly recall if I ever did.

I hate to cling on to my past, however, I cannot avoid not to think of the sana ganito, sana ganyan…the if’s, regrets, regrets… and the abominable situation of my past. Thinking about the reasons why I am like this makes me just wanna soak myself in cold freezing water. Whatever it is that I can be by now if my parents had only been responsible to take care of us, I can understand. I respect my parent’s decision to whatever have happened in the past between them but what I cannot understand is why they didn’t do what a “normal” father and mother should do. I haven’t felt love from any of them. What I felt from them are the promises that were actually lies, lies that I had lived on for 24 years. Now I see where I get the “dreaming” attitude. My parents are dreamers but never did anything to make their beautiful dreams come true. What that balot vendor, construction worker turned international model, Rocky Salumbides, said last Sunday on one of his interview is really true walang mangyayari kung puro ka lang pangarap. I think I should do something to break away from that trait that I think I have acquired from lousy parents. But what and how??

I am sorry…my state of mind lately has been very erratic. If I can kick the wall, stump my feet or can throw anything I see, I have done that just to ease the boredom, the loneliness, the anger and anguish I feel deep inside me. Everything around me feels like thorns...


...big and tiny ones that really punch and could scar till life ends...



...and really big ones like a small sword that pierce and goes deep.


My life is thickly sewn in thorns...that's what I feel. But you know what...i still hope to be optimistic about everything bad that happens. i wanna think that without a few thorns, life would not be as sweet.

I hope there's something better ahead of me that will finally make me say "I had a life worth living" before I die.

-----------------------------------------------------
Just a beautiful qoute i read somewhere:

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”

Sometimes I wish I could view the world from a different angle, maybe that will show me the answers to my questions...


...but do you think viewing the world differently will change everything???

Just a thought....

Here is the video during the April 27th Gay Cotillion I attended. This is them dancing the Cotillion and the Pasadoble.






Related Posts:
Lazy Loveless Day of a Soon to be Gay Debutante
Miss Okla - Homa

I have so much to share...all this ideas jammed in my head wanting to get free. I just am too lazy to think of the words to construct what these things are inside my head. And I am also bored. Super bored with my life. I have the whole year to do nothing but the same things everyday. I still am in the process of recuperating, not having therapy (cant afford it now), and getting and being such a fat fat ass! I cant think of anything else to do. As a matter of fact I am stressing all the energy as to how far can my thinking and creativity go to determine and decide what i should do for the rest of the year. Do the thing that will be rewarding, income generating and fulfilling my days of disablement! Oh God Help me please! I am running out of ideas. Give me a sign!

New URL New Template

I changed the URL, and of course the template. I got tired of the complicated design, too much adsense and advertising which does nothing favorable to me. I chaged it to less complicated, easy to the eye look, but i gotta have to change the banner. The dogs are out but they're so alive! As a matter fact, they're so noisy barking outside right now! They must be seeing things unseen by the human eye *scary!!*
New URL, yes! I guess just to get rid of some one who happens to visit my blog, but then thats not a guarantee. She does not often visit the site but she does when she can. After speaking with her the other night there's a little something awkward that I've seen from her remarks when I talked about the blog (and the kind of pictures of yours truly that i put on here) . Not all hers but something like a connivance with her and this other person she was with. Well, I dont understand what was it, what was in their minds when I happen to make mention of the blog and the pictures when they asked about it. So before they do anything that will make every one laugh and spit at me because of those pictures, i should at least be ready. But hey, I am no celebrity. i am just a gay guy living a disabled life for now, enjoying what I can most do right now and celebrating my body for having all parts together. And for that, heres another of them photos.

Ready, Set, Go!

Got fat?

Sun Tan

Two of those 24 more pictures I have is now down to 22. Well... There is nothing special to say or talk about. Im voice chatting with two of my highschool buds who are in the US of A now, one in Ohio and the other in California. I am sharing these pics I have and these two I am posting now just to get rid of these pictures in this computer!


I dont know what people may I think of me posing like this. Mmmmm...say whatever. Im expressing myself. I dont have anything to protect. I am not a celebrity. Hihihihi. The internet is so fucking lovely! I can be a celebrity in my own way. LOL.

I've changed my "banner". Summer in this side of the globe is almost over. We are getting a series of rain showers and gloomy weather lately. As a a matter of fact, there was a typhoon that struck the Island last May 12th. That was an indication that rainy season is coming. And by rainy season in this area where I am would mean "be ready" for typhoons (with floods sometimes to make it even worse), if were not lucky, weather-wise. oh... oh... the dogs dont mean anything, nor they represent the rainy season. I was looking for pics that I took to make as a banner. I had made one with my feet on but it seems inappropriate to display my ugly feet. When I came across these two cute little doggie pics I accidentally took the other week, I said, Why not?? Afterall, these dogs need recognition even if they dont have breeds. Yea, they dont eat ALPO but leftover foods, dont get baths (cause they dont want to), and dont get that much attention from me but they're so cuddly (to look at, in my own view) and "magaling na bantay ng bahay". They're cute too. So I have them in there.

Here are pictures I took during the night of May 08. My friend Peter organized a Miss Gay Pageant and our friend Roda won...by judges decision (not because he's our friend) LOL. I dont have any clear pictures of the pageant proper because my phone's camera doesnt work well with night light so I took these pics instead. It was fun picture posing with these gay men I came to love the company over the years.

Update 3:56PM : So heres few of those pageant pics I cropped into one...



...and the after pageant pics... ;-D




...and heres one of those "almost naked" pics I took of myself. :-D I am gonna post them here, one by one. I have 24 more. hehehe

Weird Day. I slept all day even if after logging out from posting yesterday I had a full eight hour sleep! The weather was just so terribly stifling after the typhoon that I decided to lie down then fell asleep! Actually, I was feeling too lazy to do anything when I woke up (must be that little hang over).

It's crazy, too, cause I keep thinking about this never ending quest for L-O-V-E. Ever since this crazy heart of mine learned to long for this thing called Love and all its strings attached, I've been wanting it. I was never actually fortunate to find it, or maybe I was, I just dont know it already came ... or ... was too afraid to commit.

Just before I signed in to Blogger to post I received this forwarded email from my friend Godwin. It's all about the crazy thing called love, its contradiction and what the hell it can actually do. Sorry its in tagalog and I dont have the power to translate it.

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking
oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya,
baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin. Ang labo di ba? Pero
ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo
naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason.
Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin.
Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba
talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for
stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing
niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang
hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng
nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya
paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat
ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na
tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga
walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga
henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya.

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa
mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh.
Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo
lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang
WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang
tao, ang galing-galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na
yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng
ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong
wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit
parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan
ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman
ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede
na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga
taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh
magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos
'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi
sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko
sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at
pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na
nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang
daming beses ko na kasi siyang nakasalubong kaya
masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko. Pero wala pa rin
akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang
kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na
lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang
punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

You see, I know what Love is, but i dont know what love really is ....
And the more I think about it, the more i will torture my disfunctional brain! So anyway, ... I am afraid to commit. I'll settle to that and should entertain the fact that I, am really afraid to commit! I know I've been wanting for a love life, the feeling it actually can give you but its just that when its there, i come running and hide! So i guess, i am a teaser as what webfriends would tell me. I am sorry if I seem to tease but, really, when I say those flowery words I MEAN it only that I am afraid to really settle. In what, you may ask? I will most probably answer, I dont know.

Yesterday's pics, I was with this younger guy I "dated". Well, he actually tried to date me, perhaps 2 - 3 years ago (?) LOL. But he was underage so I slightly entertained the fact that he really likes me. After weeks of getting comfortable with each other I distanced myself from him until it finally just went on to a memory. Then he saw me again on the 27th of April during the Gay Cotillion. I didn't recognize him when he actually tried to get near me and like say "hello". its only until Lee Jack told me it is him, so I kind of greeted him like a long lost friend because I ignored his effort to greet me. Last night, i saw him again but it was just brief. I dont wanna recall what was...

eeeeeehhhhnnnyyyywaaaayyy.... i dont wanna talk about it.

...Neither this crazy thing called L-O-V-E. I'll just settle with friends as of yet since its better to have good friends. Plus, I am not ready for anything serious actually. I know, there are times when i wanna wake up with someone and see that someone on the other side of the bed...but thats just "sometimes" (err...not with the sex thing 'cause sex is just an added flavor to the comfort of being with someone or needing someone). The comfort of having friends is just as good as having that lover. But how about my need for sex??? well... its been a long while I never have sex...so I can pretty well manage that craving. For heaven's sake, that is why I have hands!! :-D

Alryt, here are pictures on the 27th of April during the GAY COTILLION which was long overdue. These are my gay friends in town. There's a video clip that I have to upload to but it exceeds the lenght allowed. I'll try to edit it and post it.

When you're drunk, you get to do things you normally wouldn't do. I am drunk, thats one thing... and been blabbing things I dont really mean to few gay friends I met right after getting drunk. I just got home...drunk and can't wait to hit the sack!! 'Twas my friend Abraham's birthday on the 14th and Lee Jack, Peter, Abraham amd I went to Casper Viedeoke bar to celebrate...over bottles of redhorse and videoke.

I will go to bed after this post. I just tried to log in and post this 'dark' pic I took with the guy I dated a few years back. I saw him before going to Casper and before going home. He wants to get back with me...according to him. I'll tell more about it when I get back. For now, i really need to go to bed. Im so damn drunk! Here's the pic (sorry, its dark):


I'll try to capture a clearer pic next time i see him.

I am back!!!

I've been busy, what can I say! I am FINALLY getting my LIFE back.... Slow but at least I can say I am on that track! Since the last post I have been going out with friends in town at least once a week. But i am guilty, I haven't gone to church yet! I will some day. Its that if my friends go out, it is usually at night. The hanging out with them will have to be at halt any time soon because school is opening next month. They'll be busy with that.

The town was busy for the past weeks. The town fiesta is in everyones mind every summer. It's because of that why I have been busy as well as, of course, since I can at least walk a little bit normally now, my friends and I do hang out. Actually there's another one to look forward to this sunday. We are going drinking!!! I cant wait. I'll be with my gay friends.

Anyway, this is a quick post. I am still uploading pics of the past events I was able to capture...only a few though, but good enough for keepsakes. I am gonna share some here especially those of the pictures I took of myself the other day where I am almost naked! hahaha. Well, I am celebrating my body. (laughs) After almost having the fear of loosing my leg, I am thankful to have keep it. So, even if I am not the sexiest man alive (and dont you dare argue or mock me of my ugly self) or a well endowed individual, I am happy that I am still lucky to have been given another chance to take care of this God given body. I may seem to be "inlove with myself" you know, but you cant blame me, I am happy! Allow me to be into me. :-D So heres a preview of that:


I'll tell more about these pics and the other pictures i took when I get back. For now, i'll give you this ( well...to appreciate...)



(Its my neice's birthday by thw way.HAPPY BIRTHDAY baby Giorji!!