Rainy days has come. This afternoon, it rained. The kind of rain that makes you wanna sit with a cup of coffee, a pack of cigarettes if you smoke, and be carried away with the beautiful rainfall. I sat by the veranda near my room and inhaled the fresh scent of the rain as it washes away the dust from the trees and the grasses. With my camera phone at hand, I tried to capture how the water blends with the soil, how they wet the leaves, and the magic of how fast they fall. But my attempts were futile. My camera phone cannot capture the reality as they unfold.

And that goes the same way to what I have in mind. It seems that I cannot set eyes on the reality of my life as they happen. I see them before my very eyes but I seemingly pretend as if what I see is not what I am seeing. The realities of life pierce me deep if I put my full attention. In order for me to avoid the pain and the disgust what reality offers I put on an imaginary state of mind. That I guess is what holds me to be miserable.

Some personality on TV last Sunday said kung puro ka lang pangarap, walang mangyayari sa’yo. When he said that, it feels like he is saying it to me. True, I have a million dreams. The simplest dreams have come true but the big dreams that will probably define me as me, identify my place in this so called world, no, not yet. Worse, I have done nothing as of yet to make them come true. I am not aggressive. I have no faith in what I can do. I don’t know what I can do as a matter of fact. Maybe, I’m good at dreaming, at make believing. Ang lungkot kung iisipin pero hindi ko alam kung ano at paano ko gagawin ang mga bagay bagay para ayusin ang buhay ko. Naguguluhan ako sa buhay ko. I don’t know where to start, where I should begin to arrange my life and have a comfortable living. Ang daming bumabagabag sa isip ko and I couldn’t help but think about what have gone wrong in the past to have made me be this way. By this way, I mean the way that I am: dependent, no money, no income, inferior, not aggressive, lonely, single, bobo, walang talent, ugly, fat, and the list can go on and on.

Sa pagiging inferior ng utak ko, all I can do best is, I can dream. Some people think of me as someone who knows a lot of things but the fact is konti lang ang alam ko. I don’t like to argue. If my ideas are not in tune with some people, they bombard me with theirs which is in fact sometimes better than mine…or maybe mine is better only that I just couldn’t stand up for them. That is why during a group sessions either at work (when I still have one) or gathered with friends I am the listener. Sometimes I pretend to listen and when that is the case, my mind always fly away somewhere thinking how can I prove myself worthy of anyone’s attention. I don’t crave for attention, that’s the least that I need, but I just want to be heard sometimes. Prove my worth and that I can do something I can be proud of. But I don’t know what it is that I can do best. You know, I know I am being heard also, the thing is I am not effective in anyway. That’s why I don’t argue. Alam ko namang wala akong sinabi sa mga taong nakakahagilap ko. I am not street wise nor am I wise at all. ‘Di ko alam pano mabuhay. Ang hirap mabuhay.

I am pretty sure something in my past went wrong. It could be me but definitely my parents played a significant role why I am like this. There are things I did wrong in the past, but I am not saying I am a bad nor a goody goody person. I don’t do drugs, I am not having sex, I am doing nothing actually. Perhaps what ever wrong I have done in the past to have made me me is brought upon some misguided times and my hard headedness trying to be rebellious which I don’t clearly recall if I ever did.

I hate to cling on to my past, however, I cannot avoid not to think of the sana ganito, sana ganyan…the if’s, regrets, regrets… and the abominable situation of my past. Thinking about the reasons why I am like this makes me just wanna soak myself in cold freezing water. Whatever it is that I can be by now if my parents had only been responsible to take care of us, I can understand. I respect my parent’s decision to whatever have happened in the past between them but what I cannot understand is why they didn’t do what a “normal” father and mother should do. I haven’t felt love from any of them. What I felt from them are the promises that were actually lies, lies that I had lived on for 24 years. Now I see where I get the “dreaming” attitude. My parents are dreamers but never did anything to make their beautiful dreams come true. What that balot vendor, construction worker turned international model, Rocky Salumbides, said last Sunday on one of his interview is really true walang mangyayari kung puro ka lang pangarap. I think I should do something to break away from that trait that I think I have acquired from lousy parents. But what and how??

I am sorry…my state of mind lately has been very erratic. If I can kick the wall, stump my feet or can throw anything I see, I have done that just to ease the boredom, the loneliness, the anger and anguish I feel deep inside me. Everything around me feels like thorns...


...big and tiny ones that really punch and could scar till life ends...



...and really big ones like a small sword that pierce and goes deep.


My life is thickly sewn in thorns...that's what I feel. But you know what...i still hope to be optimistic about everything bad that happens. i wanna think that without a few thorns, life would not be as sweet.

I hope there's something better ahead of me that will finally make me say "I had a life worth living" before I die.

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Just a beautiful qoute i read somewhere:

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”