July 14, 2003
Monday 1:13PM

It’s been a while. I must say “my life” so far is a lever of ups and downs from time to time. The thing is, it has been that way as I keep retelling here. Whatever it is that is happening to me lately might not interest anyone but I must record them for my reference.

Question. Is this the most sorrowful experience? Could this be a “mid life” crisis? Is life nearly over? Firsts thing first. This may be my sorrowful experience (yet) compared to my other “love” experiences. I did cry 4 times! I have been emotionally pinned down and (a fool that I am, is) torturing myself, forcing and waiting for the expectation I made and is hoping to receive! I am holding on and I don’t know why. Unconsciously perhaps, I am not in-love but I am in-love with pain. tsk...tsk…tsk…. This couldn’t be a mid life crisis. And I don’t think my life is nearly over, it’s just starting.

Let’s see….

I met JD, fell in love at once…unrequitedly (usually) and been doing things I don’t normally do. Things like giving too much of whatever means, lurking, been going out just to see JD (and be pinned down afterwards), worse…I am seemingly stalking. I am obsessed! What is it with JD that I can’t let go? Allow me to lay out this obsession to see where’s the point of reference to understand why. JD is good looking, childishly sweet, and who seems to not care. A brat sometimes. Hygiene is questionable, owns beautiful eyes and a charm that puts me in trance. Even if I’ve seen several loop holes to stay off from his trance, I just couldn’t. This is hard…only time will heal me. And I don’t consider staying away as a reason to forget him and be free. If I suppress the feelings I know it will surface later in life. It can eventually resurface to other subjects I associate that feeling and could be MORE than what I feel now. And that’s scary! I may cry a bucketful of tears by then. So, I say, I have to deal with it personally, physically and straight forward until it fades (but what if it does not? Well one thing, everything happens for a reason and to understand it with solid proof as to why is a good basis for understanding it fully.). Like when my friend Mau texted me one night “love ‘till it no longer hurts”, it brought up the thought: is love pain?

I am no expert in this thing called love to analyze it but it seems love is pain. Pain is inevitable in a loving relationship. And why is there always unrequited love? And why am I crazy over a love that can’t be true? Or am I just crazy over the idea of falling in love?

You know what? It’s because I haven’t felt real love in a long time. I am turning 23 in a matter of weeks and I haven’t felt the words of true love in my entire existence. The kind of love that exempts or differs from the love a family or a friend can give. If true love hurts then I have a lot love hurts but never the union. That’s that. Love.Pain.Union.Pain.Love.Love. That’s the usual (in my observation) equation of a loving relationship that starts well and ends well. Contrary to what I experience, its Love.Pain. Love. Pain.Pain. I’m beginning to think I have personality problem that I have to deal with. Or is it just the world around me? Or that I am just afraid? That’s why I guess I am obsessing cause I am getting older and I haven’t experience it even for a day or two. I know, this is pathetic and I am pathetic. Is it wrong to rush love? To want to feel what others feel? To see fireworks when you kiss? To have your leg pop up (too schoolgirl…but that’s what romance is).

Its that I do like JD. But I know it can’t be. JD is only 18 (I think) and having a time of life. No, I don’t want to commit. I want to feel love. A true love. To feel what’s it like to hear someone say I love you in the sweetest words (truthfully). What’s it like to feel love’s embrace and true loves first kiss and to know the feeling of gaiety being loved and loving. JD may be the object of my affection now but to feel the same feelings from him is impossible and I know it is. The only thing I am questioning here is why cant I let go of this affection when I know there’s nothing to hope for. August 9 is nearly approaching and I’ll be true to what I have decided. When that day comes and no love my way, I’ll stop looking, wanting, and expecting. I’ll focus on myself and my career. If ever that comes along the way, I wouldn’t be the same as I am now. JD wouldn’t be the last but JD will be the last to have made me fool me.

For more than 48 hours all I get was an hour sleep, wake up, 2 hour sleep, wake up and 3 hours was the most time spent in slumber. My head is like swelling already from not sleeping the normal 8 hour time needed. Associated with the sleepless mode is the common lonesome mood I often feel. I am fucked up if I may say so! I am wondering, maybe my folks' thinking I am on drugs or something. They've seen me all wide awake in two full days and I know its kind of "unussual" for them to see me wide awake during the day. I am not in drugs. The only drug I've been taking are Calcium, Vit D and Vit C. Cigarrette is the only gateway to illegal drug that I am taking, and caffeine if thats considered as drug. I never and will never take illegal drugs! This restlessness is getting way out of hand!

I posted an older entry from a journal/diary i keep. they're actually loose pages already and tearing from "old age" and dust. Earlier before I log on, I took a cold shower just to shaken me up a bit from the restlessness that I feel. My head was feeling swollen and I could feel the blood flows through the veins. My powerless physique is giving up but my brain is full of energy. Then I started to browse my old journal and began reading what is above. It seems a lightning struck me when I read the last paragraph. It reminded me of the decision I made two years ago. It wasnt only in the later months of 2004 that I realised the career option. The decision to stay away from looking for love I have managed right after my birthday. The reason it got me first hand upon finishing reading what i've written 2 years ago is that I think I was suddenly forgetting what I said with full conviction in that entry. In the sudden demise of the life I started and in the course of trying to get it all together again, I found myslef looking lavishly for "love" in chat rooms. Pathetic, but I am doing it. I think I need some good beating for forgetting that nothing true, if there ever is is less, exist in chatrooms. All you could see there are horny dudes wanting to get off!

I cant beleive myself falling in that trap once again. I guess thats the reason why I havent been getting too much sleep. For the past weeks, I am constantly wasting my time hoping to find what I am looking for. I am not even aware of what is it that I am looking for! It came clear to me that I am looking for the comfort that I need. Only to find out that the comfort I am looking for over the internet became unconsciously looking for love. The thought of distancing away from this computer for the meantime then occured to me. So that is what I should do. I will not distance my self fully from the computer since this is the only way (aside from the TV) I get to see the world outside. Rather, do only what is essential: emails, reach out to close friends and nothing else. I am thinking of uninstalling Yahoo Messenger from this computer but It's not only I who use this machine. For nearly 4 months I am living like a person who is afraid of daylight and I need to change all that. I am defeating the purpose of why the Lord God put me in the situation to think my life over and I think i should start again from where i left off.