Happy Easter Everyone!

Well, a few hours ago it was Easter. Its 1:15am on this computer, but for the other half of the globe it's still Easter, Happy Easter!

I spent the whole day sleeping, what else is new. My night is my day and my day is my night. That's how everything works for me. They call me "aswang" or dracula, "that I will melt when the sun comes up" sometimes because of this lifestyle. Forgive me, but i like the night. Its peaceful. Silent. Only in contradiction is the fear of bad things, gruelling incidents that can occur at night time. Now I dont wanna talk about that for that scares the hell out of me! I only think of the peaceful, lovely, fresh and cool, and regenerating evening.

When I woke up at 5:30pm I have this strange feeling of loneliness again. Like usual I start my day with coffee and smoke but not with a music playing. I am over with turning the radio on every morning when I wake up. Since my lifestyle changed no music when I wake up. Today there was. I borrowed my cousin's mp3 player ( I want one those, better if its iPod!) and began listening to music. I downloaded those songs in it not being particular with what songs I downloaded when he first got it. Having a lonely state of mind, I never realized most of the songs in there are lonely songs. Love songs are usually lonely. Some alternative music are definitely lonesome. And when this "you dont love me anymore" song played, i realized how single I am! I never have someone tell me "i dont love you anymore" or I tell somebody "i dont love you anymore". hahah. That song is rather old song and when you listen to the lyrics it state nothing but hatred, sadistic action towards a loved one whom you dont love anymore! Its a cruel song. Anyway, I guess I am getting used to being single already. I never have anyone to call my own or my other half. I do not look for that other half or maybe i did but needed to look further. Yet, as i think if it, I am not very sure if I am ready to be "attached" with someone as of yet. I do feel a terrible sense of being alone but it shuts down the moment I am drawn to something that will make me not think about it. Sexually lets say, if i feel lonesome, and I think of masturbating and when I cum...its like i am relieved! But that is not always. You see, if a person who is lonely and keeps doing that (masturbate) everytime he is lonely means there is a need to look out at the self in full attention. That, my friends, is a sign of depression. So am I in depression? I dont know. I dont masturbate when I am lonely. And I am not THAT lonely. hahahaha. Ok, going back, there are still times that I wanna be with somebody and cum with someone. hahahah, Jerking off in replacement for sex for 5 years and counting is damn hell of a sacrifice!! I cant blame myself if I think of wanting to be with someone sometimes. hahaha.

My childhood also came across my thinking. How happy those days were. I couldn't really say I had the best childhood ever but its worth looking back. Even if i did not have the best of everything: materially, physically and the what is', I had a fun and memorable childhood. And because I was feeling lonely I decided to do upper body work out since i cannot move my lower extremities quite yet.

Its a known fact that when you exercise a lot, you get less of the loneliness. I started lifting weights again 2 days ago for i am getting blown up again in size! Thank God for doing nothing, but I dont want to double in size! Hell no! So it was a good thing I exercised. The lonely feeling subsided and I am drawn to smiles. I'll take exercising seriously again after not being to do anything for 7 months! So perhaps...less lonely feeling. :-) I hope so.

I really dont know why i felt lonely after waking up. Do you feel that at times? For no reason at all you feel lonely? I used to blame it to the moon before. I have noticed before that whenever the moon is full I am always feeling down. I also have read somewhere that the moon plays a considerable amount of role why we feel lonely. well, not for every one else but for people born in a certain month or whatever. True or not i try not to believe it. I am not sure if the moon is full tonight but earlier last night I saw the moon if full circle shape. Haah! So I guess that could be it, but, thanks to exercise I am not lonely anymore...slightly.