Sleeping all day. Make coffe and wander for cigarettes to smoke after waking up. Consume my daily habit after waking up. Walk around a little bit. Cuddle with my smelly "Kikay". A little TV on (Wowowee. Noon time kapamilya cinema.Passion de Amor.Little Amy) while signing up Online. Yahoo Groups. Yahoo Mail. AOL Mail. Browse Blogs: This blog. the ID Configuration. Ala-ism. Pedestrienne's Breathing Room. Auxed. Alan Bennett ILagan. Pink Is The New Blog. Queerclick. Waybig. Then goes the random browsing: Friendster. MySpace. Random Blogs. DudesNude and Guys4Men for messages and few sightings. Log OUt. Do some exercise: 30 reps on upper body work out, and leg exercises, 30 reps also. Rest for 30 minutes. Take a shower. Get Dressed. Walk around outside with Kikay or just I alone. Meet random people outside, neighbors I know. Eat supper. Watch ABS-CBN primetime. Log online after, with the NEWS or HBO or CineMax for Elvis Presly movies I came to like on TV. Then stay up all night browsing same websites or chat (and hunt for horny dudes). Sleep by 3am or 4am 0r 5am or 6am or 7am 8am or could sometimes go down to 3pm!

Now, is there any life so fucking boring as that??? That's how i live my life for 7 fucking months (and damn hell counting)!! 2 months almost always lying down with little walks. and 5 months being able to do some things mentioned above. I am tired. For the umpteenth time, I MISS GOING, SEEING, DANCING and RUNNING in the outside world. I damn miss doing my thang!

Silly thoughts, you know. I am not ultimately getting used to this damn way of life! I know that I cannot do anything but complain about this but accepting the fact that I cannot do any physical thing is horrible. Yes, I am agitated. I am uneasy not getting the worth of my life. This is seemingly a waste of time! Forgive me for blabbing nothingness like I always do. Its just that, I miss EVERYTHING!!!!

These are actually my silly plans on September 06, 2005, i posted on our older blog with my friends, a day before I travel home. My 5 days vacation turned out to be this 7 months "vacation" (and counting) that I never think would occur. All the excitement of spending my 5 days to rest, meet friends and just have a pretty good 'ol time (with some money to spend), geared up with all the stories and happy pictures on my phone all turned out to be a nightmare that started on September 09, 2005 at 2:45am, which isn't over yet.

oh my god!!! im so excited to be back home again.so janis...too bad we didnt go home at the same time.we' werent able to hang-out in our "wastedland". ooooohhhh missing my room my bed and the bathroom so much!! when i get there thursday morning, first thing i'm gonna do is im gonna get a stick of a cig and make coffee and spend hours in my veranda and see the breath taking view. wave at folks and neighbors who would surely greet me for coming back and i know they'll be glad i came back. i'll be there for 5 days.5days to scrub my skin, bath longer...and spend hours on my veranda and wheeeewww.... i just cant wait! i terribly miss home....i wanna see my niece when i get there.i miss her so much! i just hope she and her mom and dad will be able to go home too from cebu. damn i cant wait for tomorrow night and hop in the bus!!

But the nightmare is slowly fabricating itself to become an unforgettable dream, slow, sad, and slightly happy dream. With what/how I do about it is depending on what I can do to make it a happy dream all through.

Gladly, I came reading what my friend, pedestrienne, last wrote in our older blog before she say goodbye and finally deleting it on her end. I managed to keep the blog on my end. It actually gave me the sense to put myself back together moments ago. These words of encouragement are what I need the most in times like this.

J3, hope you can easily recuperate from the pain that you are experiencing right now. this is trying times baks and God gave you that challenge because He knows you can get your way out of it. He just wants to show you, albeit in a hard way, that maybe this is the time for you to assess yourself. i hope that you will use your "vacation" to think and really think hard about what you want so that by the time you are healed and ready to face the world again, you are already stronger and you will already stick to your decisions. i hope that by the time that you can get up and walk again (pun definitely intended), you'll be able to make the most of what life will offer you. baks, you are lucky because you can easily get jobs and decent ones (decent pay i mean hehe) at that. i only hope that you appreciate these blessings more and quit changing minds that quick!i'm sure it goes with the gender orientation, but hey, being a fag does not justify the fact that you can change your mind as often as you change your undies (which i'm hoping against hope is really often hehe). i know you know what i mean and where i'm getting at. I only hope you’ll find that something that will make you happy and when you find it, keep it! and baks, thanks for everything. and thanks for being THE way to that wonderful blessing that ever happened in my life. no regrets baks. i'll explain this to you someday. but i wish to tell you (because i might not have told you this) that through you, my world found me again after i decided to let "it" go. were it not for your crazy thought that day i would not have had the best years of my life (so far). i thought "it" was meant to last when "it" found its way back to me but then this is life. maybe forever does not exist. get well baks and we'll be seeing each other again, my cyborg-gayfriend.hehe.

Life is wonderful, you see. All these feelings of being fucked up are nonetheless just minor distraction...not at all destruction as normally thought of at first. Only that at times we get a little blue. and in my case i am getting the blues almost always because I miss the LIFE!

BUT

I always am able to manage. I guess you're right my dear friend, I am strong! ALthough I aM not as tough or strong as strong is, I am and forever will be fighting for Life. No love-life or anything to fight for, but Life in all its sense. I am blessed, and i know I am even if at this "trying times" it seems the world has crumbled down on me. I am mighty! And I am super man! Cyborg SUPER GAYMAN!!