I’m just a boy standing infront of another boy waiting for him to love me back.


and this is the face of the boy standing in front of the boy i am waiting to love me back... intoxicated with smoking despair.

Two more days and another year. Another struggle. Another challenge. And another shot of life’s experiences, heartaches…and lessons.

Here is the time of those resolutions among everyone again. Which, to most of everyone’s dismay, is never ever realized. Some, maybe, but most don’t. I, for instance.

Before this year even started I haven’t laid out my own resolutions. Its all UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. Those are the words, which sums up everything, I have written in my imaginary paper in 2007. Funny how it seems that resolutions are, also, meant to be broken, like promises.

I have UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED a few hurtful facts about my life but I really never got over every bit of details about it. I don’t need to enumerate them all. I am just broken. 2008 was supposed to be a great year. Somehow it was. I have a job. And that’s one thing I am thankful for for this year. Not to mention I am still alive and full of life: Full of life’s never ending lessons of pain…and this f*cking love thing! The rest of my 2008, I’m just glad I got through all of it and learning to get out of it smoothly. Three more days and I hope this last thing that have me heartbroken which was so uncalled for will be left behind as the clock ticks 12 on the 31st welcoming the 1st day of the year. Uninvited emotions can sometimes betray you. Can you imagine someone who gatecrashes a gathering and made you a little miserable for the rest of the gathering? That’s how I feel. This uninvited feelings just opened my door, not ajar, but actually gently unlocking the bolts and then slam it! See? And it’s the last month of the year. Something which can, one way or another, mark the year. Like, it’s something that will make or break my year!

So for this year, my word will be LEARN.

LEARN.

…to fight.

…to LOVE ( since LOVE has got me all at the wrong sides )

…more of life

…about Life ahead.

Yes, there’s a lot of things to LEARN. And I will. I will LEARN all this that breaks me. I will LEARN how not to be broken by uninvited guests.

Three more days, and please let me be happy. And by happy I would mean, complete destruction of the links that made me feel awkward for the last few days. Like what I always tell my ex bestfriend when we talk about how we view life and painful experiences from people who have hurt us along the way, “I was born without you and I can live my life without you”. But- please, don’t get me wrong. I am sour graping. Its just I who made myself troubled for the past few weeks. My heart doesn’t wanna work with my mind. My heart is very uncooperative with my rationales. So I am not blaming anyone. I am blaming my heart. That’s why my word for the year is LEARN.

…just LEARN. That’s all I have to say.

I have no detailed resolutions at all. Perhaps I just wanted everything to let be. TO let be, I have to LEARN its art.

After that emo morning I had last post, sobbing and sniffing and kulang na lang maglupasay sa kalungkutan, I guess, I still feel really homesick. Let that be because Christmas is in a few days and perhaps it is normal to feel miserable living in a country which does not celebrate Christmas in grandeur. In my 27 years, Christmas was a holiday to look forward to.

I shouldn't forget that there was a period in my life when I was younger that I became a little too negative about my beliefs. I was...became...agnostic. I abhor Christmas because it makes me very lonely. But later on, I came back to being myself and enjoyed Christmas as it is, with family and friends, and the simple things on how we celebrate it.

I am a full pledge sucker for this Holiday that is why I cannot blame myself for being too lonely last post. Not because I was drunk and "inlove" (which is a totally different story), but perhaps, yeah, the spirit triggered my emotions and all the memories of home, and friends, and lost love came flashing all at the same time.

I miss my friends. I dont even know if I still have friends to go back to in the Philippines. My girl friends who are busy with their own lives perhaps have only little room for me now. Nevertheless, I still do miss them and the good old days. I miss my ex-bestfriend LeeJack in more ways than one. If he's reading this, we'll I miss you my friend. Why did we part ways? Where have we left off? what happened between us? I know I never did you any wrong, but if its the way it is got to be, then I am not in any position to recall everything to the present. Maybe this is how and where we are going to be. I dont know how I will be when I get back home, we are almost neighbors and the chances of seeing you in town would be such a kill. But its the way its got to be. I hope you do realize never have I been wrong to you, as far as I know. And at this point in time, I still have no clue why you ditched me away and preferred to be with your friends now than save ours. Merry Christmas to you.

I miss my loves. I miss how it was with JD. I miss how it was with Marlino, our little silly fight in text messaging. That, however, we have put a closure to. and most of all, I miss my childhood love, Jun. Not to worry, i have accepted the fact that we are now very good friends even if I didnt see him before I leave. And I cant wait to get back and we hang out again and drink Matador or what ever there will be. Too bad cousin King is now in Italy and I have no news about him. The tropa sa bururatanis in incomplete! Perhaps, Jun can fill me in with King's whereabouts!

The year is almost to an end and there will be another yet of those in depth reflection I have to do. how the year was. I couldn't say it had been good, nor bad. The year was ok. But why does it have to have emotional torment every last quarter of my years? The big question! For several years, its always like that. Last year, I ran away from love problems, friend problems and to find out how I miss home when I got here. The year before was a bit fine and realised my love for Jun would blossom into a platonic one, which is a good thing. It took time to process that though, but at least I managed asap. That same year, we had family troubles which I hope is buried six feet under. The thing is, this year, the last 2 months, I fell in love. Again. I silently fell in love with someone. He now knows but shows no interest. It is the greatest insult, you know, the disregard of what someone feels towards you. He knows and I guess that is his way of saying Please, no. I am not into you. I totally understand, but it is fresh. And the total shame of it all, we live under the same roof. Hi and Hellos is the most civil way of acknowledging once presence and we rarely do that now, i've realized, after I told him what I feel. He maybe avoiding me and I the same, unconsciously. but I am dying of this avoidance! I was thinking of running away again. It helps me heal easily, but that is far from being an option. My life here is not as easy as I thought it would be.

So i guess, to be just me is what I will do. I am me. The me who doesnt care about anyone. The me who never talks to anyone only if I am drunk or something. Me who owns a world whom nobody understands but me and my friends. The me who is mystical and close to being a looney living in my own philosophies to the point of being stubborn. The me who shares my own world with no one but me and will dare not let anyone enter as long as I like you. and if you don't like me, it is a problem. I go back shutting my glass doors sound proofed and very tightly. No, I dont want anyone barging in my own privacy, let alone in my life. I will barge in to yours but no one shall barge into mine because letting you in will never happen. I will not let anyone dare come into mine cause I will not say anything and lead you with the impression it is ok to barge in like that. No.I am not friendly I am just me. If i want you as a friend then I want you. Reject me, then let that be.

I guess that is my recent object of affection has in his mind.
Same as mine.
Silent.
Thinking "You process your crazy self yourself and leave me alone from it. "
I guess, too, thats why I am hurting.
I see, in him, similarities.

oh well, another one of this unrequited loves. Neverending.

But I am sadder I am not where I want to be.
The love sick thing is just a fly by. I can live without that. I am emo. I can handle this terrible misfortune. I am just sad I have no friends here. I am just sad I dont want any friends here. I am sad I dont want to look for friends here. I am just sad I am isolating myself from people here. I am just sad its my second Christmas here, away from the ones I love.
I just am sad and I wanna stay that way. So dont tell me what to do.

I am drunk. AND YOU KNOW WHO i Miss at this very moment? my ex- bestfriend, Lee Jack.
and I am almost teary eyed thinking about the good old days with him. We get drunk and we get drunk!c as simple as that! Honestly, I miss him more than anything else right now. But we are of separate ways nows...

I just miss my friend, that all. My friend who I could share my downfalls. my crazy love thoughts...and just my crazy self. I just miss my friend whom i can call some digits away and is there to listen to me and invite me for a bottle of gin for the nights we both are bored. i miss those times, truly.

I just miss my ex bestfriend.really really really as in really miss him! that is all. I just miss him....so much!

:-(

"lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the strength to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference". encounterss

thats all I pray. please help me. I dont wanna run away for another mistake. give me strength to process all things and be strong for every encounters in my life....

this i ask of you, oh lord. I beg.
give me strength...
make me strong...
thats all i ask...

one year nako sa Dubai!

today, this same date last year, I arrived in Dubai with the promise of prosperity. I'm still waiting and hoping for that promise. But on the other hand, not expecting. That promise is never going to be true.

One year in Dubai, and I have not learned to adjust. I still long for my own country.
One year in Dubai, and nothing has changed in my life. It's all the same. And nothing has change in me either. I am still the same, only sadder...and perhaps getting weaker.

Should I celebrate and be merry I am now staying a year here in Dubai? I guess not. There is nothing to celebrate.

bicol...HERE I COME, TOO!!!!
Published by j3.

oh my god!!! im so excited to be back home again.so janis...too bad we didnt go home at the same time.we' werent able to hang-out in our "wastedland". ooooohhhh missing my room my bed and the bathroom so much!! when i get there thursday morning, first thing i'm gonna do is im gonna get a stick of a cig and make coffee and spend hours in my veranda and see the breath taking view. wave at folks and neighbors who would surely greet me for coming back and i know they'll be glad i came back. i'll be there for 5 days.5days to scrub my skin, bath longer...and spend hours on my veranda and wheeeewww.... i just cant wait! i terribly miss home. one thing tho...i wanna see my niece when i get there.i miss her so much. i just hope she and her mom and dad will be able to go home too from cebu. damn i cant wait for tomorrow night and hop in the bus!!

i found this last post I made from our old blog, my friend Janis and Kristine had in '05.

That post, few hours later...... tooooooootttttttttt. A flatline. Then I was back, my jeans covered in blood, my leg broken.

And thats how this blog all started.

what makes my heart race lately...

or should I say who? so this is who. i wont tell whats up with this photo or who is this in the photoand what significance has he made in my onelegwalking existence. one thing, another unrequited love. I think I was born with it, for it, Live with it, and embrace this unrequited-ness.
My heart still races with the thought of him. its more like an obsessive infatuation i have developed within the corners of my mind. Just give me days, or a couple of weeks then I will be over this guy whom I barely even know. . . and have no desire of getting to know even more. Thats just the way it goes, right? Only two sides. We go or we dont go.

blog notes

I am keeping notes in my iphone. Like, if there is something bothering my mind, i simply tap them away. I will try to put them as blog notes here in this blog ( that nobody even bothers to read, which is a good thing because i can still keep my thoughts as private even if its published publicly), say maybe, on a weekly basis? those notes were my day to day thoughts, nothing special, just i want to keep track of how I was feeling that certain day. It is sort of therapeutic to know how I was on each day.

I had a very bad day at work. I guess my being patient has gotten over its limit. I just flared up from all the shouting, the indecency, the disrespectful gestures, and the hyperactive hysteria of my PIA (pain in the ass) manager!

I had too much of his moodiness. His degrading words. His words that comes out from wherever it is in his brain. His brain which does not have a sift to carefully choose his words if its going to hurt, deeply hurt, anyone. He is hyperactive! There must be something wrong about his adrenaline. It must be excreting too much of this juices that makes you rush from all directions!

ok. I didnt do anything that will probably fire me from my job. I just walked out on him. The only thing I said was, "Ok you do it then!"

I mean, I dont mind doing the Admin's job: the filing, recording sales reports, following up transfers, updating petty cash vouchers, faxing my colleagues requests, the shop's request, etcetera etcetera. Those little errands are actually my manager's work since we dont have any admin officer in the shop since our Filipino admin was promoted and went to Bahrain. He asked me kindly if I can do some of the errand he does so as not to loose the order in the shop. I gladly accepted. Even manager asked me to do it because he said "I cannot do this...". He doesnt even know where some of the files are!?

So I am doing it, not religiously, but I'm doing it at some point.

What blew me off was the shouting, the screaming like a damn school girl he is! I dont know how to describe his actions were and are. its like whenever there's something up, anything which either excites him, pressure him, all his ego come bursting from everywhere filling the shop with his undescribable behavior. He tells you, for example, to do this, and while you're at it, he notices something which needs some attention, then says "do that"! that kind of thing goes on and on. So, you get confused. His confusion he projects on his staff! Not only that, he may have so many experiences in this business, and he shares that with us all. But you know, you feel if someone is being arrogant, lying, or whatever. I feel that! I can tell. Sorry, I am just too fumed up. I may regret saying these things later on, but I apologise now. I am just mad.

Really, my russian colleague, even if she's like always travelling in her own world, has good good insights about whats arounds her. She said, some of the managers here have a different concept of what a manager's job is, wherewhich from what I observe as well, is true. that is to come to work late and to go home early. My manger has done that quite a few times, but he makes up for it anyhow. There's other things he does which I am not gonna say. I'm just so damn mad about the embarassment I have to endure an hour before my shift ends today!

For one f*cking detail I forgot, this stock adjustment note, he came screaming saying things I dont even remember what they were. All i know it pierced me. Addition to the other emotional torture and the stresses he put on us all. I just had too much of his ways and I just have to give him a dose of me as well.

When I am angry I am angry even if tell you I am not. And it takes time for me to get over that anger...years it may take even. I just hope he'll not make me disrespect him even more, like how my colleagues have been to him.

Too bad, i know my manager is good, but he has issues. behavioral issues. he has to take care of his anger management. He doesnt hit anyone or beat anyone, but those f*cking letters that form disgusting words that comes out of his mouth has to be polished. I think he needs some generator somewhere in his tongue which will hold those bullsh*t that comes out of his mouth, for his brain cannot process that, I suppose. Really, You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. So lets plug him in the machine or dose him up with a few anti hyperactive drugs or Valium to make him unlearn this very odd behavior and learn a new one: to be respectful, polished, when to act this old ways and to who and knows how to be decent, the most important among other things!

We received our salary lately and we were all disappointed. We don’t have commissions anymore. My colleagues and I were upset, a normal immediate reaction. We were trying to push the sales the best we can. We get commissions on individual sales. The more the sales, of course, the more the commission. But this time though, without any memo from the head management, we were all dumbfounded when we found out that we all receive the same text message from our bank that we just got what we are suppose to get, a flat rate.

Then it all just sank in to me today. This global crisis has finally consumed every vein I have. All of us got used to getting more than our basic. And because we get more of our basic, normally, we spend more, have something extra for something extra. Whatever we have extra when we were still getting extra has to halt. The best way, somehow.

This time, because of this no commission breakout, it all breaks the desire to push on for more sales. It’s like the commission have become our motivation to work more effectively.

It does affect me in one way. I have bills and debts to pay. The commissions is something extra which I can use to, somehow, cover some of my consumer debts. Without it, I am bound to really budget what I earn flat rate very tightly. I have no idea if I can manage, but I will try. My colleagues who have loans and some with the same bills to pay as I, is anticipating the difficulty to manage their money.
Global crisis this is. I am trying to look at it on the brighter side, though. I am earning quite well than most of my “kabayans” here in this land. There’s a minority of us who earns average. Above average would be our Filipino engineers who really are in demand in this upcoming 1st world. They are less than the minority. I, on the other hand is on the average, together with nurses, real estate agents, accountants, document controllers and managers, etc. But those who work as normal office employees, waiters, receptionist, customer service, in the construction, they earn quite the minimum, which is a pity. And they are the majority in this arena. They work the hard work, they extend hours, exert enormous amount of energy to a meager salary. I, at least, have to be thankful I still receive my salary. I still got this job, which pays me quite well even without the commission. At least the company has not laid any of us off. Real estate companies have lain off several of their agents and these agents are now trying their luck in the retail industry.
And I think it is a wise decision for the company. Of course they also are affected by the global crisis and laying off employees is a kind of inhumane way of solving the problem. Instead of them kicking people out of the company to make both ends meet, they did a clever solution that will spare us all of the misery. Cut commissions rather than cut people.

My colleagues may think it unfair. It is unfair not tell us beforehand that we will not be getting our commissions for who knows until when, but the decision, it is, actually a good way to put things through. We sacrifice a little bit until this global crisis is resolved. That way at least, no one has to suffer in losing their job and picking up the pieces from where it leaves them off.