Everyone’s talking about the big gay event of the year. Every summer nabueños waits for the town fiesta. It is indeed a big event in itself in a rural town like Nabua. And the Gay function is one of the best events to look forward to. Usually it is just the yearly Miss Gay Alinsangan pageant that happens a few days before the fiesta, but this year the Gay community of Nabua organized a social gathering that will surely be fun and pure entertainment to most downtown people. From what I’ve been told by close gay people in town, the event which is the Gay Cotillion, started out as an idea that suddenly surfaced in an ordinary conversation among gay transvestites. Nabua has a monotonous way of life if I may say and only every summer time the town gets the flavor of its history and culture, as well as incorporating the accumulation of various way of life. That said event will be a way to break the monotony of a ghost town. Since Nabua has the most number of gay people back in the days, I believe this Gay Cotillion is a fine way to honor and pay tribute to the elderly or senior gay individuals. Yes, that’s a hint.

Cotillion is a common form of dance in social gatherings and balls, like debuts. Debutantes are young ladies’ first social engagements in its formal sense however in this case it’s not a debut but a Ball showcasing the senior gay people that more or less made a significant contribution to a boring town, not to mention their contribution in the local industry. So, yes, two big gay events for the year: the yearly Miss Gay Alinsangan (which, more often than not, is lucid event of laughter and mockery but also an exceptional way to entertain people), that will be held on Thursday, April 27, 2006 (tomorrow) and the Gay Cotillion on Friday, April 28, 2006.

I was invited to the Gay Cotillion by my friend Peter. Since most of them who organized the cotillion are people I know they extended their invitations as well only that I will be on Peter’s official list because he’s my closest. It’s a limited function but for everyone to see. I will take pictures of this first formal gay gathering in town and surely it will be the funniest. It will be funny because I am talking about gay people who have been in the “service” for years. I believe the eldest who will wear a ball gown is in his 40’s!

July 14, 2003
Monday 1:13PM

It’s been a while. I must say “my life” so far is a lever of ups and downs from time to time. The thing is, it has been that way as I keep retelling here. Whatever it is that is happening to me lately might not interest anyone but I must record them for my reference.

Question. Is this the most sorrowful experience? Could this be a “mid life” crisis? Is life nearly over? Firsts thing first. This may be my sorrowful experience (yet) compared to my other “love” experiences. I did cry 4 times! I have been emotionally pinned down and (a fool that I am, is) torturing myself, forcing and waiting for the expectation I made and is hoping to receive! I am holding on and I don’t know why. Unconsciously perhaps, I am not in-love but I am in-love with pain. tsk...tsk…tsk…. This couldn’t be a mid life crisis. And I don’t think my life is nearly over, it’s just starting.

Let’s see….

I met JD, fell in love at once…unrequitedly (usually) and been doing things I don’t normally do. Things like giving too much of whatever means, lurking, been going out just to see JD (and be pinned down afterwards), worse…I am seemingly stalking. I am obsessed! What is it with JD that I can’t let go? Allow me to lay out this obsession to see where’s the point of reference to understand why. JD is good looking, childishly sweet, and who seems to not care. A brat sometimes. Hygiene is questionable, owns beautiful eyes and a charm that puts me in trance. Even if I’ve seen several loop holes to stay off from his trance, I just couldn’t. This is hard…only time will heal me. And I don’t consider staying away as a reason to forget him and be free. If I suppress the feelings I know it will surface later in life. It can eventually resurface to other subjects I associate that feeling and could be MORE than what I feel now. And that’s scary! I may cry a bucketful of tears by then. So, I say, I have to deal with it personally, physically and straight forward until it fades (but what if it does not? Well one thing, everything happens for a reason and to understand it with solid proof as to why is a good basis for understanding it fully.). Like when my friend Mau texted me one night “love ‘till it no longer hurts”, it brought up the thought: is love pain?

I am no expert in this thing called love to analyze it but it seems love is pain. Pain is inevitable in a loving relationship. And why is there always unrequited love? And why am I crazy over a love that can’t be true? Or am I just crazy over the idea of falling in love?

You know what? It’s because I haven’t felt real love in a long time. I am turning 23 in a matter of weeks and I haven’t felt the words of true love in my entire existence. The kind of love that exempts or differs from the love a family or a friend can give. If true love hurts then I have a lot love hurts but never the union. That’s that. Love.Pain.Union.Pain.Love.Love. That’s the usual (in my observation) equation of a loving relationship that starts well and ends well. Contrary to what I experience, its Love.Pain. Love. Pain.Pain. I’m beginning to think I have personality problem that I have to deal with. Or is it just the world around me? Or that I am just afraid? That’s why I guess I am obsessing cause I am getting older and I haven’t experience it even for a day or two. I know, this is pathetic and I am pathetic. Is it wrong to rush love? To want to feel what others feel? To see fireworks when you kiss? To have your leg pop up (too schoolgirl…but that’s what romance is).

Its that I do like JD. But I know it can’t be. JD is only 18 (I think) and having a time of life. No, I don’t want to commit. I want to feel love. A true love. To feel what’s it like to hear someone say I love you in the sweetest words (truthfully). What’s it like to feel love’s embrace and true loves first kiss and to know the feeling of gaiety being loved and loving. JD may be the object of my affection now but to feel the same feelings from him is impossible and I know it is. The only thing I am questioning here is why cant I let go of this affection when I know there’s nothing to hope for. August 9 is nearly approaching and I’ll be true to what I have decided. When that day comes and no love my way, I’ll stop looking, wanting, and expecting. I’ll focus on myself and my career. If ever that comes along the way, I wouldn’t be the same as I am now. JD wouldn’t be the last but JD will be the last to have made me fool me.

For more than 48 hours all I get was an hour sleep, wake up, 2 hour sleep, wake up and 3 hours was the most time spent in slumber. My head is like swelling already from not sleeping the normal 8 hour time needed. Associated with the sleepless mode is the common lonesome mood I often feel. I am fucked up if I may say so! I am wondering, maybe my folks' thinking I am on drugs or something. They've seen me all wide awake in two full days and I know its kind of "unussual" for them to see me wide awake during the day. I am not in drugs. The only drug I've been taking are Calcium, Vit D and Vit C. Cigarrette is the only gateway to illegal drug that I am taking, and caffeine if thats considered as drug. I never and will never take illegal drugs! This restlessness is getting way out of hand!

I posted an older entry from a journal/diary i keep. they're actually loose pages already and tearing from "old age" and dust. Earlier before I log on, I took a cold shower just to shaken me up a bit from the restlessness that I feel. My head was feeling swollen and I could feel the blood flows through the veins. My powerless physique is giving up but my brain is full of energy. Then I started to browse my old journal and began reading what is above. It seems a lightning struck me when I read the last paragraph. It reminded me of the decision I made two years ago. It wasnt only in the later months of 2004 that I realised the career option. The decision to stay away from looking for love I have managed right after my birthday. The reason it got me first hand upon finishing reading what i've written 2 years ago is that I think I was suddenly forgetting what I said with full conviction in that entry. In the sudden demise of the life I started and in the course of trying to get it all together again, I found myslef looking lavishly for "love" in chat rooms. Pathetic, but I am doing it. I think I need some good beating for forgetting that nothing true, if there ever is is less, exist in chatrooms. All you could see there are horny dudes wanting to get off!

I cant beleive myself falling in that trap once again. I guess thats the reason why I havent been getting too much sleep. For the past weeks, I am constantly wasting my time hoping to find what I am looking for. I am not even aware of what is it that I am looking for! It came clear to me that I am looking for the comfort that I need. Only to find out that the comfort I am looking for over the internet became unconsciously looking for love. The thought of distancing away from this computer for the meantime then occured to me. So that is what I should do. I will not distance my self fully from the computer since this is the only way (aside from the TV) I get to see the world outside. Rather, do only what is essential: emails, reach out to close friends and nothing else. I am thinking of uninstalling Yahoo Messenger from this computer but It's not only I who use this machine. For nearly 4 months I am living like a person who is afraid of daylight and I need to change all that. I am defeating the purpose of why the Lord God put me in the situation to think my life over and I think i should start again from where i left off.

Sleeping all day. Make coffe and wander for cigarettes to smoke after waking up. Consume my daily habit after waking up. Walk around a little bit. Cuddle with my smelly "Kikay". A little TV on (Wowowee. Noon time kapamilya cinema.Passion de Amor.Little Amy) while signing up Online. Yahoo Groups. Yahoo Mail. AOL Mail. Browse Blogs: This blog. the ID Configuration. Ala-ism. Pedestrienne's Breathing Room. Auxed. Alan Bennett ILagan. Pink Is The New Blog. Queerclick. Waybig. Then goes the random browsing: Friendster. MySpace. Random Blogs. DudesNude and Guys4Men for messages and few sightings. Log OUt. Do some exercise: 30 reps on upper body work out, and leg exercises, 30 reps also. Rest for 30 minutes. Take a shower. Get Dressed. Walk around outside with Kikay or just I alone. Meet random people outside, neighbors I know. Eat supper. Watch ABS-CBN primetime. Log online after, with the NEWS or HBO or CineMax for Elvis Presly movies I came to like on TV. Then stay up all night browsing same websites or chat (and hunt for horny dudes). Sleep by 3am or 4am 0r 5am or 6am or 7am 8am or could sometimes go down to 3pm!

Now, is there any life so fucking boring as that??? That's how i live my life for 7 fucking months (and damn hell counting)!! 2 months almost always lying down with little walks. and 5 months being able to do some things mentioned above. I am tired. For the umpteenth time, I MISS GOING, SEEING, DANCING and RUNNING in the outside world. I damn miss doing my thang!

Silly thoughts, you know. I am not ultimately getting used to this damn way of life! I know that I cannot do anything but complain about this but accepting the fact that I cannot do any physical thing is horrible. Yes, I am agitated. I am uneasy not getting the worth of my life. This is seemingly a waste of time! Forgive me for blabbing nothingness like I always do. Its just that, I miss EVERYTHING!!!!

These are actually my silly plans on September 06, 2005, i posted on our older blog with my friends, a day before I travel home. My 5 days vacation turned out to be this 7 months "vacation" (and counting) that I never think would occur. All the excitement of spending my 5 days to rest, meet friends and just have a pretty good 'ol time (with some money to spend), geared up with all the stories and happy pictures on my phone all turned out to be a nightmare that started on September 09, 2005 at 2:45am, which isn't over yet.

oh my god!!! im so excited to be back home again.so janis...too bad we didnt go home at the same time.we' werent able to hang-out in our "wastedland". ooooohhhh missing my room my bed and the bathroom so much!! when i get there thursday morning, first thing i'm gonna do is im gonna get a stick of a cig and make coffee and spend hours in my veranda and see the breath taking view. wave at folks and neighbors who would surely greet me for coming back and i know they'll be glad i came back. i'll be there for 5 days.5days to scrub my skin, bath longer...and spend hours on my veranda and wheeeewww.... i just cant wait! i terribly miss home....i wanna see my niece when i get there.i miss her so much! i just hope she and her mom and dad will be able to go home too from cebu. damn i cant wait for tomorrow night and hop in the bus!!

But the nightmare is slowly fabricating itself to become an unforgettable dream, slow, sad, and slightly happy dream. With what/how I do about it is depending on what I can do to make it a happy dream all through.

Gladly, I came reading what my friend, pedestrienne, last wrote in our older blog before she say goodbye and finally deleting it on her end. I managed to keep the blog on my end. It actually gave me the sense to put myself back together moments ago. These words of encouragement are what I need the most in times like this.

J3, hope you can easily recuperate from the pain that you are experiencing right now. this is trying times baks and God gave you that challenge because He knows you can get your way out of it. He just wants to show you, albeit in a hard way, that maybe this is the time for you to assess yourself. i hope that you will use your "vacation" to think and really think hard about what you want so that by the time you are healed and ready to face the world again, you are already stronger and you will already stick to your decisions. i hope that by the time that you can get up and walk again (pun definitely intended), you'll be able to make the most of what life will offer you. baks, you are lucky because you can easily get jobs and decent ones (decent pay i mean hehe) at that. i only hope that you appreciate these blessings more and quit changing minds that quick!i'm sure it goes with the gender orientation, but hey, being a fag does not justify the fact that you can change your mind as often as you change your undies (which i'm hoping against hope is really often hehe). i know you know what i mean and where i'm getting at. I only hope you’ll find that something that will make you happy and when you find it, keep it! and baks, thanks for everything. and thanks for being THE way to that wonderful blessing that ever happened in my life. no regrets baks. i'll explain this to you someday. but i wish to tell you (because i might not have told you this) that through you, my world found me again after i decided to let "it" go. were it not for your crazy thought that day i would not have had the best years of my life (so far). i thought "it" was meant to last when "it" found its way back to me but then this is life. maybe forever does not exist. get well baks and we'll be seeing each other again, my cyborg-gayfriend.hehe.

Life is wonderful, you see. All these feelings of being fucked up are nonetheless just minor distraction...not at all destruction as normally thought of at first. Only that at times we get a little blue. and in my case i am getting the blues almost always because I miss the LIFE!

BUT

I always am able to manage. I guess you're right my dear friend, I am strong! ALthough I aM not as tough or strong as strong is, I am and forever will be fighting for Life. No love-life or anything to fight for, but Life in all its sense. I am blessed, and i know I am even if at this "trying times" it seems the world has crumbled down on me. I am mighty! And I am super man! Cyborg SUPER GAYMAN!!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Well, a few hours ago it was Easter. Its 1:15am on this computer, but for the other half of the globe it's still Easter, Happy Easter!

I spent the whole day sleeping, what else is new. My night is my day and my day is my night. That's how everything works for me. They call me "aswang" or dracula, "that I will melt when the sun comes up" sometimes because of this lifestyle. Forgive me, but i like the night. Its peaceful. Silent. Only in contradiction is the fear of bad things, gruelling incidents that can occur at night time. Now I dont wanna talk about that for that scares the hell out of me! I only think of the peaceful, lovely, fresh and cool, and regenerating evening.

When I woke up at 5:30pm I have this strange feeling of loneliness again. Like usual I start my day with coffee and smoke but not with a music playing. I am over with turning the radio on every morning when I wake up. Since my lifestyle changed no music when I wake up. Today there was. I borrowed my cousin's mp3 player ( I want one those, better if its iPod!) and began listening to music. I downloaded those songs in it not being particular with what songs I downloaded when he first got it. Having a lonely state of mind, I never realized most of the songs in there are lonely songs. Love songs are usually lonely. Some alternative music are definitely lonesome. And when this "you dont love me anymore" song played, i realized how single I am! I never have someone tell me "i dont love you anymore" or I tell somebody "i dont love you anymore". hahah. That song is rather old song and when you listen to the lyrics it state nothing but hatred, sadistic action towards a loved one whom you dont love anymore! Its a cruel song. Anyway, I guess I am getting used to being single already. I never have anyone to call my own or my other half. I do not look for that other half or maybe i did but needed to look further. Yet, as i think if it, I am not very sure if I am ready to be "attached" with someone as of yet. I do feel a terrible sense of being alone but it shuts down the moment I am drawn to something that will make me not think about it. Sexually lets say, if i feel lonesome, and I think of masturbating and when I cum...its like i am relieved! But that is not always. You see, if a person who is lonely and keeps doing that (masturbate) everytime he is lonely means there is a need to look out at the self in full attention. That, my friends, is a sign of depression. So am I in depression? I dont know. I dont masturbate when I am lonely. And I am not THAT lonely. hahahaha. Ok, going back, there are still times that I wanna be with somebody and cum with someone. hahahah, Jerking off in replacement for sex for 5 years and counting is damn hell of a sacrifice!! I cant blame myself if I think of wanting to be with someone sometimes. hahaha.

My childhood also came across my thinking. How happy those days were. I couldn't really say I had the best childhood ever but its worth looking back. Even if i did not have the best of everything: materially, physically and the what is', I had a fun and memorable childhood. And because I was feeling lonely I decided to do upper body work out since i cannot move my lower extremities quite yet.

Its a known fact that when you exercise a lot, you get less of the loneliness. I started lifting weights again 2 days ago for i am getting blown up again in size! Thank God for doing nothing, but I dont want to double in size! Hell no! So it was a good thing I exercised. The lonely feeling subsided and I am drawn to smiles. I'll take exercising seriously again after not being to do anything for 7 months! So perhaps...less lonely feeling. :-) I hope so.

I really dont know why i felt lonely after waking up. Do you feel that at times? For no reason at all you feel lonely? I used to blame it to the moon before. I have noticed before that whenever the moon is full I am always feeling down. I also have read somewhere that the moon plays a considerable amount of role why we feel lonely. well, not for every one else but for people born in a certain month or whatever. True or not i try not to believe it. I am not sure if the moon is full tonight but earlier last night I saw the moon if full circle shape. Haah! So I guess that could be it, but, thanks to exercise I am not lonely anymore...slightly.

It’s Maundy Thursday.

Last Sunday and Monday night, my friend Lee Jack picked me up here home to go to our friend Ata. She’s on vacation for the Holy Week with her husband. I knew she married some guy last year but I wasn’t able to see the guy named Joel until last Sunday. She went home for a vacation with her husband last December but because I wasn’t able, it’s only recent that I met her hubby. I, too, didn’t know how she met the guy after I asked them how they met last Sunday. Funny it seems how most people these days are meeting or looking for real love over the internet. She met Joel in a chat room and after exchanging emails, pics and chats…viola! They are married! Joel is a nice guy. I don’t know him very well, but he seems to be an average looking good guy!

So anyway, When I went out that Sunday night albeit the rain fall I managed to take a walk with my friend Lee Jack from Ata’s place to town. Lee Jack and I decided to visit town since at 8pm last Sunday Ata was still at my cousin Mia’s house. In town I saw familiar faces and saw few friends and people I know who I haven’t seen for a long time due to the suspension of my ability to walk! You know, after being stuck at home for seven months I finally saw the “outside world” in busy mode: people passing by, vehicles screeching tires, people chatter and the busy and wet “mercado”. I couldn’t help the feeling of being left behind. I have missed so much in my entire home stay. I couldn’t help feeling being like an outcast for not being in touch with society for a long time! Even if I was welcomed with warm hellos I felt like a new comer in the society where I mostly had my life with.

It’s like a new beginning for me. You know, new start and like I will have to know every aspect of everything at base one.

It was a good night with Ata, her husband and Lee Jack. We had a few drinks. I got a little drunk and the cherry on top of it all, my friends from work texted me. They even sent me MMS to refresh me of what is up. I missed them terribly so! And my friends who are in the metro, too: Carmen, Janis, Bek and everyone else. I have these photographs below of the people I so miss, people from work especially. I compiled the pics I have last year with them when all was well, I was earning, having a hard earned life but so very good in every way. Haaaayyy. These pictures of my-so-called life says it all. Nothing will be harder (in a different way) with the situation I have now but as most of us will say…this is a test! A very good test God provided for me.

These are pictures of those people I so miss at work and the good times I have with them while working. Even if the jod is a pain in the neck, the ass, and the head boy it was worth it being with these people. Guys! If you happen to read this, I am telling you, I miss you giys so much!



And these are photos of my friends since the "world began". when off work i spend(or spent) either sleeping or spending time with them over coffee or hanging out in the Mall to watch movies and watch people. oh yea, I miss Market Market! That's where I spent my days off whenever I can. I miss Carmen mostly. We have the same nature of job and basically the same time so we always were together going to work and going to Jollibee for breakfast, read the paper, discuss whats on the paper before going home after the days(night actually, we work at night) work.


And because it is the Holy Week and people are on vacation I hope to be out of the house for the rest of the week watching people brush shoulders in the crowd of the religious. Of course I cannot go out to town alone but if not with Lee Jack, I will be with my sister and cousins. I know I will be in a big jealousy watching people go by and will miss everything I do that can’t do. Life! Anyway, I am sorry, I am a little cheesy today. I have a reason…I haven’t slept yet! 13 hours has passed and I am still awake. That’s where this is all coming from. Hehehehe. When in a normal mode, I don’t think of all this shit. I think about smoking, eating and wasting my time online with nothing! Ok, perhaps I really need to force myself to sleep, or else I’ll be dead!

I've been thinking about posting something here about my previoius job and the people I miss so much but it seems i am always taken aback by the situation. I am drunk right now. Yesterday, i was drunk as well. A few friends from the Metro came back home for the holy week and they fetch me home for a little good time. Ive been thinking about the post for the past two days, but i came home all drained up with energy... from being drunk!!!

I might not be online for the rest of the week since its the holy week. As a christian that i am, i have to obey the fasting and abstinenece of some certain things. Tomorrow when I get all the energy.. I may continue what I have started blogging from my drafts..... Right now, as I try to do so, I am just too drunk and too tired to edit and do so. I will try to make them tomorrow when i get up. For the rest of the week I won't be online. I have to observe the holy week tradition and of course expect friends who came home for the holidays to visit me here home and will hang out. Now, I have to say adios...and lay down. I am soo damn drunk to go further!!

For the lack of something better to say, i am posting these pictures i took yesterday. For days since the last post several ideas came to my head but I just dont know how to put them to words. I am no writer that is why. So I thought of playing with my camera and posing like a superstar HAHAHA.. and do silly poses as well. I hope who ever visit this blog will like my photos.