*sheesh! goosebumps oh my freakin gawd!*

I was one of those who believed that love in the worldwideweb is possible.

WAS.

When I was introduced to the web in 1997 and breeze my way on MTV chatroom, MiRC, and later on yahoo messenger in 1998, I had this full idealism that yes, I certainly can find love online.

I was wrong.

Or…

Maybe….

I had a whirlwind of emotions everytime I get to know somebody online; and then we click, hence, had several online love affairs one after the other. Can you believe it if I say I have cried to some of them for not being able to be with them personally? Crazy, I know. But that was all in the past. I have managed to learn and deal with the fact that even if love is possible to some people online, it would also be equally not possible to some (of us).

Yet…

Sometimes there just comes a time when you feel a certain attraction to someone you haven’t even met personally, only through webcams. And then the hoping that the “you’ve got mail” love affair kind of thing will be possible this time around.

I’ve met...



In some dating/hook-up site I am a member of. When I read and saw the picture in his profile the love arrow shot my heart immensely, or something to that effect. We managed to chat for quite some time and my attraction (or should I say lust, whichever it is I am not sure) seemed to grow even more. Again, crazy, I know.

I cannot describe what I feel towards druglord (his name in that dating site). I kinda feel a certain jealousy towards something or someone I do not know. I get agitated when I saw him online and never IM me. I don’t wanna be even more obvious that I like him if it will always be me who initiates the messaging. Now, again, crazy I know: Me, posting a post like this is more than obvious that I do have the “hots” for him.

*sigh*

Such an attraction I cannot describe...La la la la la la la la la means…. I am crazy. LOL

This thing called love (or courtship) is the game I am not good at. I have never won anyone’s heart. And for some lame reason, I loose any interest if I sense something like “I am nice how can I tell you to back off me, you’re just not my type” or something like “I like you so let’s just jerk off on cam and then forget all about it” and as well as in real life scenarios actions are even more lucid and easy to tell if they like you or otherwise. Getting that kind of vibe from the subjects of my affection, such intense interest just slowly die down. I just am not persistent to sell me to them, if I may say so.

When I like someone, I just know I like them and I mean every word I say when I tell them I like them. I am very upfront when it comes to liking some one and telling them what I feel. And then, after I do tell them that, it’s their turn to tell me if what I feel for them is similar or not. May take time, I know but whatever the response is, either way I am ok with that. Yet, sometimes, people I have liken just ignore what I said while trying to be nice while others completely ignore me, still nice, and then poof (it became koko krunch! Heheh) they just stop talking and vanish. And THAT, is not ok. I would be left there hanging. Silly me for hanging. These scenarios I am saying are either online or in real life, but real life situations are rare because I rarely meet with people around my area and courtship face to face is just damn hard.

Anyway, with him (druglord), I think and I am sure I like him. But it’s hard to COMPETE with people he already has been with, if there were any. Or just say, competition or winning isn’t just my game. When I forwarded the message to them, I hold on for their answers while I do my thing but when the time has come that the holding on seems long enough and when I feel that I have some competition to go through, then I guess I just move a step backward, turn my back…then leave. I am a passive lover… or say, suitor. Maybe, when I win someone is the time I become active. That type of scene, I think has been evident with my online relationship with druglord.

Oh well, love!love!love! What a feeling! Oh, I am not in love right now, just to set the record straight (even if I am gay.. har har har). I am rather, say, infatuated (?) or steadfastly attracted with druglord.

So there, need I say more? I am sure you’re reading this. I am also unsure of this but for the heck of it, I am here…waiting for what you will have to say, either way is ok. It’s a deal or no deal kind of thing but no pressure. Hehehehe, We can still be friends (with benefits? Heheheh) if the answer is no.

(photo captured this afternoon while we chat.)

--------------------------------------------------
if there's such a thing as love salesmanship, this is my sales speech (this is not my original composition):

I am not a good lover...
I mess up...
I start fights...
I easily get jealous.
But there are 3 things I like about myself:
I don't play.
I give my all,
and I love deeply.

Baaaaaahhhhh!!

*sheesh! goosebumps oh my freakin gawd!*

Labels: love, personal message

I cannot die. I mean, I don’t wanna die…yet.

Well, I don’t know. How would I know if I am dying or not? Death is one of those events that just come around when ever it is time. But please, God have mercy, be this not my time yet. I wanna live longer and age gracefully.

Like I said in my older post, I am worried about my health. How ever worried I become, I will not have the peace that I needed as long as I feel this sensation that tells me, something is wrong inside my body.

A week after I got out of the hospital I was feeling ok. A week later, here comes the same feeling I felt before I was hospitalized....this time I did have a little understanding of what may this be. It is not TIA or mini/mild stroke. I believe my neurologist. However, this is something still undiagnosed. Sure they said I had anxiety attack because of this tingling, burning, numbing like sensation I feel on the right side of my face (not the entire right side but there are areas on that side where the feeling is most felt), who wouldn’t? It is just damn alarming!

I made a little research on this, again, even if my attending neurologist told me not to read medical books whenever I feel something unusual. But I cannot help it. I have this urge to know and understand what is this that I am feeling, afterall, it is I who is feeling something. I started my research on the medicine that I was given: Neurontin. Neurontin is for shingles, seizures and neuralgia which to me sound all foreign. When I further my readings on neuralgia I understood why was I given that medication. I believe the doctor thinks (altho not mentioned to me) I am having some Atypical (Trigeminal) Neuralgia. To which I will not rebut for because from my understanding also, it might be possible. Of course, the doctor knows better than I do. According to wikepedia:

Atypical (Trigeminal) Neuralgia

The symptoms of atypical neuralgia (ATN) tend to be vague and misleading. This may be the most misdiagnosed form of neuralgia. The symptoms can be mistaken for migraines, dental problems such as TMJ, musculoskeletal issues, and hypochondriasis. This form of neuralgia is extremely rare, thus also contributing to the misdiagnosis. ATN can have a wide range of symptoms and the pain can fluctuate in intensity from mild aching to a crushing or burning sensation, and also to the extreme pain experienced with the more common trigeminal neuralgia.

The pain from ATN is usually less than that of trigeminal neuralgia, but is nearly continuous and periods of remission are rare. This form can also cause pain in the back of the scalp and neck.

Many attempts have been made to link ATN with psychological issues, though modern studies have shown no link. Theories have suggested that infections of the teeth or sinuses, vascular compression, physical trauma, or past viral infections could be a cause. Evidence thus far seems to be anecdotal. Another interesting aspect is that this form affects men and women equally, unlike the trigeminal neuralgia, which is much more common in women than men.

The description seems agreeable to me from what I am actually feeling. I could say this can be a musculoskeletal issue because of the pain on my shoulder. Apparently, I know the doctor did his initial diagnosis and was...well...unsure, yet, still, even if this could be atypical (Trigeminal) neuralgia upon research (or other things)... I am still not at peace because there's no exact, hard copy evidence of this malady.

Since I am the one feeling it, I suspect this recurring numbing, tingling, burning feeling on some areas of my right face has something to do with the gripping-pinching-blocking sensation every time I look up and bend my nape. When I do that, it radiates a numbing-blocking like feeling on my upper right back shoulder all the way to my biceps and arm, thus, a musculoskelatal issue, and perhaps affected my trigeminal nerve (from too much lifting of weights which I've done before I felt this). I am thinking, there must be something that is blocking my nerve on that area or it could have been stretched too much or is pinched or something like that.

From the reads I have googled, this indeed could be other things as well which I will not mention because it will just scare me all the way. One thing though, as many of the people close by/to me tells me, this could also be an after effect of the accident I have been through more than a year ago. It is hard to believe that it might be that because I was conscious after I was hit by that damn vehicle.

My suspicion could be correct or not, or worse, this could be something else. Of course to be alarmed is inevitable because this could paralyze me or something if I do not do something with the help of a doctor to relieve it. I try not to think about this as much but you see, when I feel it and become discomforting I could not help but worry.

Yesterday, I woke up early to start my day with a jog. Even if I still feel the recurring sensation I decided to work out and start my day with sweat. I jog and walked around the lawn of the old house we had. I cannot jog around the neighborhood because stray dogs will surely run after me. My early morning exercise was nice but it didn’t relieve me of the discomforting tingling sensation.

I am paranoid! My sister is even complaining that never in a day since I felt this has she not heard me say anything but my worry, day in day out! I know its sickening on my sister’s part or my folks because, well, I am just worried sick! And a little scared. Though, I just try to act normally as possible since other that that, I am feeling ok. My blood pressure which I check regularly is ok. Just this little numbing…and I feel it right now as I write this.

I haven’t done much in this world. I haven’t proved anything. I haven’t accomplished anything and haven’t lived my life the way God wants me to live it. i haven't found my love. I haven’t gone out of the country and haven’t fulfilled my ultimate goal in life (which by all means I have not yet known). That is why I am trying to fight this paranoia if this is it. Whatever this is, until diagnosed correctly, will be something that will still alarm me.

Yes, I am not ready to die. I cannot die. Lord, I don’t wanna die…yet. Please.

oh shoot, i'm feeling really bad, seriously, like that feeling i felt when i was brought to the hospital...will try to keep it cool. *deep breath*

Labels: neuralgia, neurontin, stroke

Pining fascinates me lately. If you watch "her" on Studio 23 during supper time (around 7pm) you'd understand my intense fascination with this ugly-funny looking puppet with a voice over similar to that of Inday Garutay. She's annoyingly entertaining and I would love to see her everyday to entertain me, if I only could.

We have limited entertaining pleasure in this house. We have two television and one is in my room. Our TV is working through the old school way: antennae. We used to have cable but after the typhoon last year, my folks decided not to bring the cable subscription back. Sadly. The television in my room is only used when I wanted to watch DVD, no antennae, only the TV in the living room.

I dont watch that much television after we lost our cable connection. Having only 4 channels (RPN9, GMA7, ABS-CBN and Studio23), and always on ABS-CBN because my grandparents has this endless fascination watching the "big time trio" especially WOWOWEE, to Inosenti de ti, to late afternoon teleseryes up to Primetime Bida! I mean, how can I have the TV to myself when I cannot even change the channel to see my beloved Pining? For instance, when they're eating supper and I was left in the living room I would change the channel to Studio 23 to see Pining. But when they see Pining's frantic, ugly, boisterous, blabbing big mouth they often would say why am I enjoying this ugly looking shit! Of course they laugh at times seeing her. Who wouldn't? Look at her, she is so funny. And i love her! Hahahaha

Anyway, I only was introduced to Pining recently. I didnt even know she existed on previous PBB shows because I don't watch Studio23 when we had cable. Last night on PBB's secret housemate eviction night, I wonder how fun it would be to see Pining live together with Toni, Mariel and Bianca. It would be a riot, you know. ;-)

(pictures are grabbed from Studio 23 and Pining's Friendster respectively.)

Labels: PBB, Pining, Pinoy Big Brother, Studio23, TV

I am worried about my health.

I was taken to the hospital last Wednesday evening. Days before that I have been complaining about some numbness I feel on my right arm during the first day and half of my face the next day. It was not numb – numb cause I still feel something. It feels like some sprain or something. On the 23rd last month (My grandpa’s birthday as well) I went to see a neurologist for fear that what I am feeling might be TIA (transient ischemic attack) or bells palsy or something’s wrong with my upper back due to weight lifting.

The doctor told me I had a mild stroke attack. Damn it scared me!

I was given 3 kinds of medication: antithrombotic pills, aspirin and vitamin B complex. The doctor also told me to monitor my blood pressure and that if I feel something different I should go to the hospital right away. He also requested for my blood chemistry (lipid profile, etc.)

Last Wednesday morning I had my blood chem. checked. Everything was normal except for my cholesterol level which shows a little bit high from the reference level. That night I felt something different. I cannot describe what it was. I just felt terribly different.

At the emergency room my blood pressure was taken. 130/90 – kind of normal. ECG was performed which was normal according to the heart doctor (who was my attending physician) who told me later on. I was on dextrose. I was given some pills for anti nerve breakage as well as liquid shots. I was very scared that night although I was trying to act normal. I was conversing with the nurse about what he is doing, asking him questions about every steps that he is doing to ease me.. My heart beated quite normal, not fast but I was uneasy.

My friends came to the hospital. And they stayed there till 3 in the morning.

While there, I was worried sick! The attending physician performed her regular check on me and asks me stuffs. She added a pill that I should take to lower my cholesterol even if it wasn’t that high. She told me she’ll request for a neurologist’s assistance regarding my answers to her about the earlier symptoms. I spoke to the neurologist when he visited me. His impression was not TIA because he said I was young to have TIA and the symptoms I was experiencing does not necessarily suggest TIA. The neurologist who attended to me that time was in fact a reliever. He was a short, fair skinned middle age guy, cute and jolly, which, much to my relief eased my worrying mind. He performed basic check ups neurologist do. He asked me to press his hands very tight, walk, among other things. The same thing the earlier neurologist performed. Until he said he needed some x rays of my cervical area because I told him also that when I look up, the numbness sprained like feeling radiates through my right arm everytime I do that. He said the x ray result will tell if I should talk to another kind of doctor and release me from the hospital. He also suggested I stop taking the aspirin and the antithrombotic pill. He gave me new set of pills: neurontin, myonal, and xanor (which I have to take when needed). He also asked me to stop the cholesterol pill and just diet.

I stayed at the hospital till Saturday.

I wasn’t feeling any “numbness” on my face although I still feel the radiating sprain like feeling on my right arm. Since everything was normal: my blood pressure, x ray, and I was quite feeling normal, the heart doctor told me I was for discharge and continue with the pills the neurologist prescribed.

I am going to take the pills whole of this month. You know what I found out about the pills I’m taking? Neurontin is used to treat seizure and some pains not necessarily mentioned what type of pain. Myonal for skeletal and vascular muscles and Xanor for anti anxiety anti depression.

I don’t know what my malady was, or is. I don’t know why I am taking these pills. I just have to follow what the doctors said although I’m concerned about why I’m taking them. And guess what was written on my medical report my mom told me? My malady was tagged general anxiety disorder!! Now am I crazy or what?

I know what I felt and yes sometimes whatever we feel physically may be something psychosomatic but I don’t know what I will be anxious about to lead to an effect such as that emergency.

Anyway…

I have forgotten I am no longer the way that I am: youthful physically. I have implants inside my leg bone when it was broken from the accident. I can’t help but think sometimes there must be something going on with that…and I hope not bad. One of these days I have to visit my orthopedic surgeon to have it checked up.