Damn! Forgive me but I just needed to get what I’m feeling out of my system!

I can’t really tell what exactly I am feeling. But I can tell one thing: I can’t stop thinking of two people. One who is from my past which gave me a real good reason to keep hoping on something I am indistinctly holding on to. And the other one who is in not so distant past which happens to captivate me into thinking about the person in my past.

Confusing but hear me.

I’ve been in love with the same person in twelve years. It was an on and off thing. Well, for starters it was unrequited, totally one way street. Back then hoping was all there is. I dream of him that one day we’ll be together, we could be a couple. And even if its impossible I at least have dreamt of us being friends, spending sometime together, talking…walking… that being at least realistic enough to come true. It did. And I am more than glad to know that what I hoped for came true.

Equally enough, it’s a sad tale. I am a stubborn fart who couldn’t stop wanting, wishing, much least hoping that in a little twist of fate we could still be together. And I told him that thought which he understood but assured me that it is impossible that we’d go there…that he’d go there. It kind of hurts but I understand. But I will hold on to that thought even if its impossible. I could wait even if takes forever for him to realize he needs me or likes me the way I like him. I know it’s a foolish thing to do, he even advised me its stupid to do that cause he had done that himself, but I’m still holding on to that thought. Who knows, it might happen.

Then there’s the more recent guy. More like a tangible memory of my past. He was more likely the same age with the guy I fell in love the first time when I met him. A memory came to life when I felt love towards this guy. What we have reminds me of what I have had with the first. I loose myself when I see him, be near him. Just the mere thought of him sends me shiver and longingness the way I have had during the first time.

The difference is that with the first, we were not friends for a long time. Only recently did we become good friends and converse rather immensely about life in general, one thing which I like. In the contrary, with the more recent person, we became good friends at first and only a few times later that I’ve realized I’ve fallen for him. He was game to us being a couple. As a matter of fact we were for month last year but I decided it was going nowhere so I broke it off. We haven’t spoken after that. Last month we reconciled and had something going on between us again. I wanted us to get back together but we cannot. He cannot, or he doesn’t want to be involved with me anymore or shall I say “as of yet” because of something going on in his adolescent love life. We do converse though but not in the intimate way.

But all that seemed to vanish. I see him sometimes and all we do is nod our heads in acknowledgement like saying hello. It’s all me actually, I just don’t know how to deal with him in public for what we have is a secret. And I guess if I act like I am close to him or something in public, what I feel for him may manifest. So I decided to keep our distance in public even if it makes me wanna grab his hand and kiss him everytime I see him!

Yes, we had kissed once. But this once kiss was multiple kisses. I long for that to happen again. However, that seemed to be behind us now as I see it. I know it’s entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings and attraction towards him.

You see, all the things I wanted to happen never happen the moment I wanted them to happen. It surprises me that some things I dream or hoped for just happen in the most unexpected way and time. I never had the chance to be prepared for it, like what should I do or how should I act or simply say be prepared for the rules if ever there are rules. Should it be that way?

Anyways, I don’t know where I am going to with what I am saying. What I know is I miss them both. I miss Jun and I miss Kevin so much. All I want is not to get lost whenever I see them. Not say the darndest things when I talk with them. Shoot. I’m just a boy standing in front of two boys waiting for any of them to love me back.

Labels: love