Belated Merry Christmas sa ngamin na tagaNabua and to all the Nabuenos residing anywhere all over the world! The same holiday greetings goes to all the people in the world especially those who visit this blog!

PostCards from NABUA
Nabua Plaza

tolong (3) Agta


Last post was a bummer. I am looking forward for a certain closure between the fish and I, but this time...to hell with closure! I am closing everything about the fish! Gona! Na-da! He's out of the picture! But thanks for coming in to my life anyway.

I wont be carrying with me loads of bad "stuffs" this coming 2007. and i realized while walking this afternoon, that I am depriving people of my my SMILE! Damn, how I neglected doing that! It feels so good to smile at people you know...it lifts their and my spirtis up.

and the christmas holidays was boring. No, electricity in my area...its the darkest christmas i have ever spent in my life! its only now that i felt the christmas spirit.
And last night was the blast. I was out with friends I havent been with for a while. Here are the photos:

In my last post I said I am not going to speak of the fish. But due to an unexpected turn of events…I am writing in utmost fury about what should have not happened. Readers of this blog, I apologize for I will use a little of my dialect in relating what I feel, my thoughts, my anger regarding this demoralizing circumstance. In my earlier post about the fish, I hid him under such appellation to protect him. This time I am sorry but with whatever it is that came over you, I am going to name you.

The Blue Marlin, the fish is Marlino! (I am educated and I still have the decency to withhold your last name or post a picture of you.)

God! What came over you?!

How could you wish for me to die? What you’re accusing me of is completely unacceptable! You judged me too soon and you are charging me of a crime I have no idea where it came from.

Marlino wants me to die! He is so angry at me for something I did not do.


Marlino, whoever it is who told you, unmask the culprit to clear my name…I cannot redeem myself to you but I want to clear my name.

The other night, DonDon, a friend of both you and I told me, You, Marlino, said told him that I was no longer texting you. Yes, I intended not to. What is the point of pursuing my desire to get close to you? Everything was clear to me the moment they told me what you told them…which…READ: supposedly told only to me!

I have completely understood that. No holds barge, I am letting everything go. I know when to stop so I stop texting you and halted my intentions. But this time your/you’re cussing…is completely way out of my league! And I am so angry…very very angry with what you accused me of! I don’t hate you Marlino, I hate what came over you and for cursing me. More hate to whoever feed you with false information.

Last night, I sent you text. I texted you in my utmost desire to make it clear to you that I have nothing against you or with that hesitation of yours to tell me that you are in a relationship. It is such a given in courtship that either way could go. I know that. And I am ready on both…but THIS, I am not!

I am sorry but our short exchange last night has the need to be published. You hurt me so much.

Me: Kumusta? (How are you?)

Marlino: Sabi mo plan na bading ako! Ok! Fuck u! Putai ka. Back fighter ikang diputai ka! Someone told me. Kumusta k2 ungos mo. You said I’m gay! Ok! Fuck u! You’re a fucking back fighter. Someone told me. How are you in your face.)

Me: csay man kanimo kan nagsabi? (Who told you that?)

Marlino: abo kng sabiun kin isai. Ngata eman nabayad mo kong nagchupa? Nagpalubot? Ta cnasabi mo n bading ako? D tai ka mapapatawad. Matigbak nai kang diputai ka! ( I don’t wanna say who it is. Why eman. Have you seen me suck? Do anal? Why are you saying that I’m gay. I can’t forgive you for this. I hope you die, you fuck!)

Me: Marlino, uda ako sinasabing arog kan! I don’t know kin uno motibo ka nagsabi kanimo kan. Kn amo lugod an pg2bod mo, na ako malan raot, backfighter, o kin uno pa man uda ako maggbo kan. Basta ako, I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! Ngata ta abo mo sabayon kn csay? Ako man a napaparaot knmo. Gusto ko yan comprontawon a tawo yank n tawo man a diputang an. ( Marlino, I did not say anything like that! I don’t know what motives that person has for telling you that. It that is what you believe, that I’m a bad person, a backfighter or whatever it is, I can’t do anything about that. --- why don’t you you say who it is? Its I who’s at risk to you. I wanna confront that person if ever that fuck is a person!)

Marlino: Amoi 2n edukadong tawo? Uda ika ipinagkaiba sa mga tawong mapupurol a utak. Putai ka! (Is that what’s being educated? You don’t differ from dull-witted people! Fuck you!)

Me: Marlino, ika bukong edukado. Bago kntana ika nagpuputok c2n ako muna knompronta mo. Ka one side mo man. D mo iniec kin uno yan matood o book. La mong raot magsarita. ( Marlino, its you who’s not educated. Before you blaze on fire, you should have aksed/confronted me first. You’re taking one side. You didn’t verify if what it is is true or not. You speak so badly of me.)

Marlino: Tama na. D nai ka magtxt. Bs2 ko na kn isai ka. Tnx sa ngamin na pagiging PLASTIK MO! GAGO! (Enough. Don’t text me. I know already who you are. Thanks for all the pretensions!You fool!)

Me: Grabeng judgment mo man i2n knako. Ngata ako mgpakaraot knmo na unang una malinig a intention ko knmo. Buko akong patal para pakaraoton a sadiri ko! CSAY KAN NAGSABI KANIMO??? (That’s a huge judgment you’re throwing at me. Why would I say anything badly of you wherein the first place my intentions to you are clean. I am not stupid to put myself in harm. WHO TOLD YOU THAT???)

Marlino: wat so ever! I don’t believe you anymore.

Me: Tama na. D nai ka magtxt. Bs2 ko na kn isai ka. Tnx sa ngamin na pagiging PLASTIK MO! GAGO!

if that’s what you think of me, so be it. amat sa mararaot na sarita. Malinig a konsensya ko. (Thanks for the harsh words. My conscience is clear.)

I am rational and a detailed person. I will decipher what we conversed about to make it clear to you HOW BAD that person MADE ME LOOK TO YOU…and how bad you made yourself to me.

No. 1 Marlino you’re accusing me I called you gay? Again, whoever said that to you has this enormous credibility for you to believe. He must be someone you are so close with for you to disregard my side.

No. 2 If you’re not gay, lets assume in this particular bullet (even if I did not) that I said that so…then why are you so affected?? Couldn’t you just shrug your shoulders? Why do you have to be so pitchy to curse me? With what you did, you just gave me the idea to entertain the thought that you are gay.

Again, for the record,I NEVER SAID YOU ARE GAY! Why would I? would it benefit me if I tell everyone you’re gay? Hell No! Marlino, think…THINK! I did not go to school to ruin people’s lives. I am not stupid to do that and put myself in hot waters.

No. 3 I am educated. So educated that I can confront you face to face and that person who fed you with this false information. Marlino, I am very open minded. My mind is not mapurol or blunt. Look, ika a mapurol a utak(its you who’s blunt), you are not looking at both sides of the story. You just believe what you gotta believe.

No. 4 “matigbak nai kang diputai ka”
and you wish for me to die? What a church-goer and a Christian you are! For something you are so sure that I did which I didn’t do, you want me to die? This is the most degrading words I have ever received in my entire 26 years of existence! Marlino, with what you have shown me, then and now, you disappointed me so much!

Regardless of such disappointment, you do want me to die for something you are made to believe I said? Who’s mapurol now? Is it I? or is it you?

No. 5 For that INSOLENCE towards me of that someone trying to make me the villain in this situation, is YOUR BASIS for telling me you already know me? For that very short time I hang out with you where we rarely converse, you are saying, YOU ALREADY KNOW ME?

Who’s mapurol now? Is it I? Or is it you?

Marlino, I don’t know you that well and I won’t take those unkind words you addressed to me against you. But that card you laid out won’t be taken off of you. You showed me that side of yours which is one part of you, that I am thanking heaven you have revealed to me.

No. 6 Thanks sa pagiging PLASTIK MO! GAGO!

I did not pretend. I showed you who I am. Didn’t I invite you at my house and let you sleep for a few hours in my bed? I laid out my intentions to you earlier that it shouldn’t have been. You, on the other hand, seemingly disregarded that. And that is fine. Several times I asked you…you did not answer. You only seemingly put on interest and was kind towards me. I guess I was GAGO to assume your interest, but guess what, I am not GAGO to not know what to do in the event my assumptions prove me incorrect!

In my previous post I was angry with what you did…but I just let it cool me off. But this time, I am asking you, Why do you have to forward my text to DonDon? That text I sent is for you alone not for everyone or for any one else to read. I asked you a question, did you answer me? No, you answered DonDon my question.

I don’t know what both of you talked about but please, if you’re educated as you imply that you are, you should have the decency to have it known to me, not to him.

I was so GAGO to be the last to know! How could you?!

And then you’re calling me PLASTIK! GAGO! ? For the GAGO part, I maybe am and I admit I was GAGO to believe that you are a good person. You know what, Marlino, this time you showed me otherwise. I was so GAGO to believe in you.

Me, PLASTIK? I showed you who I was full of good intentions to win you. I did not deny the fact that I like you, did I? Did I harass you? If I am a bad person as you think now that I am, I should have taken advantage of you so many times. Marlino, I may be other evil things but I am not like that. I am not PLASTIK. I don’t pretend. What I am is what I am. I don’t need to pretend. I am in content with what I have, and who I am and who I am aiming to become.

Marlino, what were your intentions for getting together with us, aside from tita Lau’s invites? I have no biggie to ask you that but because of all these, I wanna ask…to make it clear to both you and I who is the PLASTIK between you and I.

No. 7 You told me FUCK U / Diputai ka / Putai ka 5 times!

One “fuck you” or diputai ka/putai ka I could take, but five??
Marlino, I wouldn’t be in a fury like this if I said something like that. You can “fuck you” me all you want if I did or said something to degrade you. You have no right to bad mouth me! You and that culprit seemingly belong together for your cursing me as hard as you could. May heaven forgive you for this.

So what’s the point in all these??

You are judging me for a crime I did not commit. I don’t need to redeem/regain myself to you. After all, judging from the cusses, you already have closed your doors on me. What a tragedy!

AND YOU!!!! WHOEVER YOU ARE… I hope you are HAPPY! CHEERS TO A JOB WELL DONE for ruining two people’s lives, and a chance for acquaintance and friendship. Do you know what KARMA is? Here’s hoping you get them a million times in this lifetime and a billion times in your after life. I pity you. You are very insecure, you are who must be called a back stabbing bitch! Unmask yourself you culprit. You fiend!

AND TO YOU MARLINO, I don’t hate you, the fact is I like you. I LIKED you. If you think because you rejected me and my vengeance to get it even with you is to tell everyone your gay… I am sorry but my parents, as well as the Augustinians and the Jesuits, didn’t brought me up that way. I know how and when to accept defeat. And I don’t do vengeance. I pity you for believing that, I, Emmanuel Julian, is a back fighter, uneducated, blunt, PLASTIK and a GAGO from someone you cannot even unmask.

This publishing these thoughts is neither revenge nor defeat. This is to make you understand I did not say anything negatively of you. And I will not tolerate such insolence from someone who’s soul is already burning in hell.

I have not been so demoralized in my entire life!

I will not dawdle and put a closure to this just like that! I want to discuss this with you together with that fiend. That’s what EDUCATED people do.
I know you are in rage right now from false information and I respect that. If you’re ready to discuss this with me, let me know.

Your last text [was] “wat so ever. I don’t believe you anymore” is your prerogative. I, also, respect that.

But come to think of it, Marlino. This is my side of the story. And if your doors are really closed on me, I am sorry to ask you this but I have to:

Who is plastic, who is uneducated, much more, mapurol now? Don’t you think it is you?

P.S.

Marlino, thank you for giving me a very merry Christmas wishes and a very very happy New Year. You spit me out and you crushed me! What a fun way to start the year….


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Readers of my blog, I am not after your sympathy. I just wanted to let this anger out regardless of what this may result to. However, going back to my senses, this is a stupid post and I am being stupid. I am contradicting myself this time and this post could harm me. What's remarkable is, I dont have any enemies. I dont consider Marlino, or that 3rd person my enemies. But to overreact, in the event that something bad happens to me, having been cursed and betrayed by someone unknown, these persons are suspects. Basing from the piercing words I received last night, I dont know what he and this unknown person is capable of doing. Just for the information of every reader of this blog.

December 17, 2006

My recovery from such upsetting rejection seemed fast! Yeah, so fast that I am actually in a very good mood today the moment I woke up. There are still residues of the thought but it won't pester me anymore! Of course, also, there are questions I've asked on void as to WHY ---- which I will tell you later on in this post.

Today...is such a beautiful gloomy day. I woke up at 1:30 am to attend the 4am simbang gabi. When I got home at 5:30, I prepared myself a glass of warm milk and looked through the enticing morning. Then, I realized, even if there isn’t sun rise visible, I would never trade the compelling view of the sun rising for anything! That goes the same way for a gloomy morning like this. It is on days like this that set my hopes high, the weary disposition of the day, weird as it is to most, emancipates a sort of joviality to me.

Well, I was sort of heart broken from a love declined and feared shall decay. Yet today...each cool gust and the seemingly ardent climate make me want to flower with love more.... and shine with fresh colors and scent when the sun shines tomorrow.

As I scribble this, I thought of Hazen. A buddy I surely did forget where in the web have I met him, to you I apologise. He visits this blog and emails me his thoughts about a certain post I made. I particularly remember his thoughts on loneliness which follows below:

There are only 3 emotions; happy, sad and angry.

Loneliness is a state of being, like being in love. For some people
being alone is happiness. For others it is sadness.
It is isn't possible to be eternally happy. Or even angry. Because
happy and angry are action emotions. They use up massive amounts of energy. Only
when we are sad, can we rest.

Sadness lets us analyze stuff going on around us.

Thinking of what his opinions about it, he is right. It is in sadness that we come to think of our lives. Loneliness, if I may say so, is a series of consecutive sad events but not necessarily depression. For depression would be a disorder and needs to be treated professionally. I am not going to reiterate what my thoughts and opinions about loneliness or sadness as well as discuss about his because today, I am very glad. Very very glad that from one down point it rises up to a calibre where some rejected people cannot reach. No, I am not bragging but I do think I have the mind and thinking similar to any Da Vinci wannabes. I may be a little short of discipline and rarely smile but I have an pen mind, inquisitive thoughts and a restless heart which most judgmental people don’t know about yours truly. The reason is, they don’t have time to know me or anyone like me. That being said, to some of you who read me, would convey egocentricity.

Well, yes, I have some issues about my ego. In my observation about myself, since I rarely talk, my egotistical self is kept upon thyself. And I play the part of the fool. Thus, I don’t affect anyone, which is good I think because I always see to it that I will not hurt anyone with how I view things. Unless there is a need to raise mine is the time I will speak up. [And] at times, I get carried away with certain exchanges that my intonation becomes annoying, coupled with gestures and facial expressions that’ll surely spill a cup of coffee on the table. You see, when I speak up, I speak up with confidence even if what I am saying is completely far out from the view. Not to brag, but I can make both ends meet (even if they actually don’t!). And so, I know it is bad. It is one of those pieces from my shattered self that I need to look in to...and, if not change, tone down.

Again, I love the weather today! It is very stimulating and it makes me want to exhaust all my brain energy to think about “something and everything”...or read a good book (which unfortunately I have nothing to read), or write (even if for the nth time I’ve been letting you all know, and it show, I cannot write. I am just forcing myself to write and be a wannabe writer, besides, it’s healthy.)

Anyway, to conclude the reason of today’s post is one of the “something and everything” I am thinking. Well, I actually already have thought of it and done thinking about was the rejection from the fish. Uhmm...big fishes don’t need baits, do they? While in the course of catching the fish, I didn’t have a bait because I want to go clean. I want no one to harm, no worms and small fishes, no dynamites, not even fishnets. I was innocently sailing. ------------------- I guess fishes smell differently when they’re out of water and they smell the longer when they’re out of it. They die and smell even more. What I am saying is this: the fish jumped in my boat as I went fishing after quite a long time. Whatever the fish’s reason for doing so, I don’t know. There was nevertheless any evident reasons if he wants to be in my boat or any lack of a certain desire. The fishermen I am with feed me with assumptions that he has the interest to sail with me. I didn’t entertain that thought or give myself my own assumptions. I also am not sure if there are other fishermen among us eyeing for the fish. I didn’t think that there was and don’t really care if they needed the fish more that I do. Careless that I was to have the fish, other fishermen, particularly one sailor, are corresponding with the fish as well (as the fish to them). After all, they are old fishermen whom the fish already knew. Whatever they talked about I don’t really know, and don’t really care. But what I do care about is to at least have the decency to let me know that I can’t have you (you fish) for I will understand. The other fishermen told me so. And that’s the thing that hurt me. I am not complaining, after all I was just fishing relentlessly and the odds are inevitable. And fishes do come and go.

It just targeted my ego that other fishermen, who as far as I know are not eyeing to catch the fish, know what it is that you intend to tell [them] which was supposed to be said only to me. ONLY TO ME!

Now do you see where I am coming form? And you sailor, since the fish told you, why not tell me when the fish told you so to tell me? Why hesitate? Was it because you’re trying to protect me? C’mon?! It would hurt a bit but it should have not hurt like the way that it did/ the fish said he was shy to tell me. Was it because the fish doesn’t want to offend me? But guess what, the fish did! I asked the fish why did he not answer me?

The fish answered them (and showed them) the question that I didn’t tell them to ask the fish, which for heaven’s sake, should have been only between the fish and I. besides, I didn’t ask the fish face to face. I asked the fish through “fish waves” wherein I believe makes it easier to say things we are “shy” to say, or tell me, is it not?

Breathing deeply. Shrug of shoulders. Blow enormous amount of smoke. There! I’ve said it! It just feels good to let it out.

The fish will not die in my boat because before it does and smell even more, I’ve kicked it out back to the ocean or at someone else’s boat, whichever place he lands, so be it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lonely with how it turns out for me. I was just sad about not telling me personally. WAS SAD. I wasn’t complaining, just asking. It broke my heart but just a bit. And, if I say I am shattered...yes I am, but it doesn’t have anything to do with the fish. I already was shattered and with what happened made me realized that I have forgotten I was shattered. So thank you. It reminded me that I have some pieces to pick.

This is the last time I’m talking about fishing. But not sailing. Perhaps I should try bird watching. They’re beautiful creatures, don’t you think so? =)

The weather is so good, so promising, and so lovely. Its drizzling, just about right to wash the residues. The silence... is such a music to my ears now.
I've picked one of the pieces... and need to pick some more.

Shall I go sail? or watch the birds?

You don't have to answer that. I know what to do...I'll do both.

--------------------------------------------

The sun has not shone yesterday, and sadly not today. But my heart did and my face lit up. I am glowing and smiling...which is just about right.

December 14, 2006

I have never done thisd for a long time...having a pen in my hand, paper to scribble these words on and make a coherent thought or at least I think it is cherent enough. Everytime I do this, if papers and pen could say it out loud,
"my master wants to run away, again.". I think they would've. These two things, if personified, knows me too well.

YES. If only I could. I want to run away, literally run miles and miles and miles away...whichever way, north...east...west...south... I dont really care right now. Running at this point in time of my luife is the way to get this troubles from making me feel unworthy of anything. Thought figuratively though. I am dreadfully aware it is very unhealthy. Pero...literally, gusto ko talagang tumakbo. God! if only I would've.

I want to cry but I had enough of crying. It is time I face a battle that is unknown to me for the longest time. A battle I myself is the enemy.

In the humidity of this day, a bit of meories of a supposed to be good but entirely bad night, I sit here, with this pen in my hand...looking at the green and the blue and feeling each drop of sweat run through my back and on my forehaed...I could'nt think of anything but running away. I just really wanna run away.

...keep on runnning...

run...

...and run.

The blue fish is gone. I barely know the creature but the thought of not catching the fish is giving me enormous pain. A pain that actually doesn't hurt...and it scares me bacuase I know it is pain but I think i became numb to feel it. I am not lonely. I am just sad....

My hopes came crashing down, for the fish.

But I am ok.

Its not the end of the world.

And I barely know the fish anyway.

The thing I am not alright with is the thought of not getting to know the fish...and never will. It will be a stab on my chest if I continue to dwell in the hopes of having to swim with the shinny fish in the deep ocean. Last night was the time to have everything clear. Just that, and I should go on. But this time I am not gonna fish. I will just sail.

I am not borken hearted.

i am shattered...

...into bits, for loosing another subject...for the 3rd time.

I am not gonna pick myslef up to put the pieces together.

I will let myself be broken.

But will continue to live and sail with life and love the way it should be, however shattered.

This is a sense of hopelessness but I say i am not. Hoping is the only comfort I have. And hoping is the key to keep my battery full and have me going when the going gets tough.

I am sad. I dont feel it the way it should be felt right now, but i know I am. All I feel inside is like the feeling when you stand in the middle of the road looking through the straight view and wondering how far it is. Like, its a blank, empty feeling....

And so, I wanna feel the water run through me and cleanse this feeeling I am familiar with which strangely enough, I cannot fathom.

Then I wanna run even shattered, in my deepest thoughts, stopping at every bits, giving a name to every piece. For when I get to know every piece, it is easier to put myself back together again. Scarred. But still complete.

By then, I can go on, not broken but in full.

And again...I am fine...I am ok.

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A few days back, I receive this SMS from someone:

One day he'll care for me like I care for him.
One day he'll miss me like I miss him.
One day he'll want me...
and by then...
I wont.

So good to read btu what if they dont want you by then?? That is the question. No worries, though. The feeling will just die away. tust me, I know. :-)

Last night I couldnt sleep. I couldnt stop thinking about my broken heart, needless to say that I rarely fall inlove, yet, I got beaten by the cupid, and for the 3rd time,for shooting the arrow always at the wrong spot. I needed to talk with someone about it, but I thought I just needed to keep it for myself for a while, And I needed some thinking. Then I thought of my friend Carmen, who never get lost of ideas, and talking with her usually eases my aching heart. I texted her, why for the third time, I've fallen inlove rejected and always unrequitedly...is there something wrong with me? I asked her.

She did not reply.

I fell asleep.

This morning when I woke up, I got this reply from her. A Fwd message.

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go.
Its like we're scared to lose what we dont even really have.
Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing
But the truth is:
To have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.

Something i've always known but I always forget. I always knew she would ease me with her rugged wits. Just the slap I needed to start my day.

But like my friend Janis said on her last post,

i am not in the mood to watch the sunrise please. ...not now, not ever (but indefinitely).