Now that I only have a few friends physically there for me, I guess it would be the right time to pursue my dreams that I myself have put on to a long hiatus. No blame to anyone for that decision but myself. Lets just say, I wanted much to explore the things I should’ve had explored when I was still in high school.

Back then I had not done many things. I was hindered by my own idealism which at this moment doesn’t seem right. Perhaps I should’ve just gone with the flow. Looking back makes me want to regret the wasted times but doing so would not change anything. I don’t wanna admit it but, really, I did not enjoy my younger years. Let me say its all because of my idealism…my view of how should my life be in the future…and my desires of how a teenager should live his life.

Now you ask, how should a teenager live his life? As a matter of fact, I don’t know. All I know back then was I wanted to live it like how one tree hill, dawson’s creek teenager’s live their teenage lives. Even if these series wasn’t on air then, how they live their lives is how I wanted my life as teenager had been lived.

But there’s no turning back now. The things is, I tried to make it happen after I was done with college which I can say was not that bad. However, I have given in the money making life after the academe just because I wanted to fulfill my stupid desires as a teenager. My real world life was sacrificed.

So where am I now?

…have wasted time, almost in a hurry to be in pace with how a 27 year old should live life: a job, a bank account, a visa or a mastercard, a loft, or a house, properties, working and traveling, a partner, sex life, after work parties, health insurances, pay taxes, a business…all that for success.

Now that I only have two friends physically there to make me company, I have decided to put an end to all these living la vida loca of a teenager. Re-creating the teenager in me perhaps was such a bad idea to begin with.

But…

…no regrets for, as we all know, it would not change anything.


What’s the deal with me having only two friends? Don’t get me wrong, my friends are still there. It’s just that they’re busy with their own money making lives. My friend Lorean is already a lawyer. I went to her office last Friday for a friendly visit. Another friend, AnnaLeah, is working on building her house in a very nice community in Naga City after which she’ll go back to Japan where she spent most of her years after highschool and found a very loving partner who I haven’t met personally yet. While some of my friends are fulfilled with their married-career driven lives, single mom lives whereas the rest, is busy with work and living their profession to earn a living, independently and of course living out their dreams and their seen purpose in life.

Stop!

Am I dying or something? It seems to me I am deeply looking back at my past!

Anyway, I broke off with the person I considered my best friend, Lee Jack, a little over two months ago. I guess its better that way although I never wanted our friendship to end just because I hurt him, when all I thought I was forgiven. Even if I asked for his pardon and he even assured me of his compassion, he still took me for granted after that. Perhaps, it’s never too good to assume about everything, my bad. To which made me conclude later on, when all I thought I do, that I really do not know who really is this person I considered my best friend. Then I thought, maybe, our individual differences has just gone soaring that we came to a point that we cannot stand each other. Not that I can’t stand his tattletale, fashionably-trendy-artistic-breaking-the-mainstream-ideas, mister-know-it-all, opinionated self. As a matter of fact it’s who he is that I have known. Those are his traits that made my ex best friend the best in the world!

So all that ten years of friendship, more or less, is in the gutter. Blame my pride or his rock hard pride for having it that way, but I’m not giving in to reconciling with him unless he does the first move. Even if he does, what we were will never be. We can reconcile but that chapter where the Lee Jack and Emman tandem, where most of our friends, the people who barely knew us but see us, and the community have known, is rather close. As a matter of fact, people still ask me of Lee Jack when they see me hanging out with either two of my physically present friends, to which I simply say, “I do not know” or “maybe he’s at his house”. For now, he’s having fun with the person he closely resembles to which I cannot contest to. After all, it’s his life, and as for me, its time to move on.

They say life will never be the same. True. But if it’s for the best, so be it. It’s a cliché, I guess, and that I heard somewhere that life sometimes has to give up something for the best. I guess our friendship is one of them. So there are three things I just wanna say to Lee Jack as a bid of parting to our seemingly invincible friendship: 1. all the best to him 2. May he be happy with his chosen path, and 3. Thank you for the friendship.

For I, on the other hand, will certainly continue my now beautifully begotten life.


My Latest Friend





Funny. But I call this goat, My Friend, each time I am to feed him. I named him that. this lovely creature that keeps saying "mmeee-mheeeehhe" everytime she sees my grandfather or I was a gift from a friend of my grandparents on their 50th Wedding Anniversary. There was two of them but they slaughter the other one last June. I pity the creature. I never tasted the meat.

In my last post I said I would say something about a life that I dreamed of, or more of an ideal life I have made up in my tiny brain.

I would say I want it simple. Simple as in I wouldn’t need anything in this materialistic world. All I ever wanted ever since I was a kid are four things: love, a considerable amount of money to sustain my needs, visits to America, and good health. Growing up adds things to desire: more money, sex, all the new things imaginable I could own, going places, more money, and more money!

None of those childhood idealism about living a life upon growing up came true. Haven’t found the love, haven’t earned the money that I need, haven’t gone to America, and sadly, in connection with growing up and because of not taking good care of the body, health is on the verge of failing. So as of now, I am like a child starting to dream the same things again. It’s like I’m back to step one of recreating what I should have created a long time ago. And cleansing all the dirt gathered the moment I stumbled. I still wanted the same things. I simply wanted a comfortable life meeting the demands of the ever changing world.

When I see and speak with people younger than me, I sometimes couldn’t help but be the person teenagers don’t like of a grown up. Like, how grown ups inculcate in young minds to be this and that. The good thing about how I say things over and over is that I say it in a way that they would do what I have not done for them to perceive a very good perspective about how to live life. I bring up the consequences of not being able to plan ahead and realize those plans as early as planning them. You see, by setting up an example, they would at least have the idea. You cannot correct a mistake for and from another mistake. We have to let them know about the mistakes we’ve done and the underlying consequences and hope that they wouldn’t do them.

In contradiction, some would say, each to his own. But that is not the case. Whether it is applicable to them or not, at least they have the idea of certain things.

These young people’s future is just about to start while my future is already a little step further, almost coming to an end. If I do not do anything, I might end in the gutter.

In this crazy world, we have to admit money makes everything. Money is everything! Without it, where would we be? Perhaps dead. You cannot do this and that without them. Unless I live in seclusion where natural resources are abundantly growing, the need for money would be less. Even then, the need of it is still there.

Then how do we get these need created by man? Jobs! Work on it. Earn it.

Now, that’s all I want, a job with no meager income. At that, I guess everything else follows. I would not hope much on the love side, though. It’ll probably just come. If not, God forbid, I’ll buy love instead!

I had a long break from the online world. Aside from having been busy last June entertaining and bonding with my cousins from the states who came for a vacation and at the same time we celebrated our grandparents 50th Golden wedding anniversary, I must admit I was getting a little tired (or lazy, actually) going online. By July I went to Hong Kong for 3 days and when I came back everything was just in a haze.

I haven’t been getting enough sleep also, I don’t know why.

Noy is my cousin, we share the same birtday together with my older brother.

I turned 27 last August 9 so I’m getting older. I’d like to add “richer” but that is just not the case. It is the other way around: getting older, getting poorer and getting left out in this fast paced world! And it is too tiring! I know this is a common scenario in this fucked up life of mine that I whine about how I tune my life this way. Sorry, I might push readers away because of my dramas.

Anyway, with readers or no readers at all, that is not my case. I blog to express, to let go of this life threatening frustrations and to keep track of how my existence is becoming….

I’m trying to live my life as much as I could. Even if feeling physical pains of unknown origin, emotionally detached from most things, anxious of being in the return to where I came from, worried how unworthy I have live the half years of my life, I am making amends to live the other half. That is in accordance with how I imagine it should’ve been lived…so that I could have no regrets in the long run.

You ask, how do I imagine living my life? It’s a long description, which just gave me the idea to write about it in my next post. All I can say for now is this: I want to live a healthy long life. Uhm…. That was my wish during my birthday when I went to hear mass and is my wish until then.

I have not much to say now. I am tired. I am sleepy (yet I can’t get a good sleep). But I just thought of going online and say something, which is basically nothing at all.

For now, I will sign out with these following selected pictures I wanted to share since June.

Here are some pics during my grandparents wedding anniversary. I didnt take that much pics of myself.





ooo..what a kiss!!



my neice, giorj. fell asleep from waiting

...and we went swimming in the nearby Masuso spring

fooling around in the middle of the road







uric acid..eeek!

with my "TFC" cousins...

with twinkle early in the morning!

...and cute tony!

...and Candy


...and Hannah

and this is Ashley, we dressed her up!

and some fun gags with my cousins.






Sadly, the month has to end that time and Goodbyes were a little sad. We dont know how long we have to wait till we can bond again but thanks to the internet, we keep in touch!

Lastly, here are the pics when I was in HongKong. i made an animation, but it just cant upload it on YouTube. here's a slide instead.