Where shall I begin?

It’s been a while since I last blog about my monetary problems which actually does not ruin my life that much. In some ways it definitely give me head spinning thoughts when there is the need for it. In almost everyday, that is, there’s a need for it but thankfully little by little I am learning to live not needing it.


(More photos in my gallery)
It’s summer in the tropics, finally. And it’s damn hot. Terribly hot! And humid! In the past 2 weeks my friends and I went swimming in this – I don’t know what type of body of water it is called-- where the water is cold and is located in a remote place in a nearby town called Casugad in the municipality of Bula Camarines Sur. To get there is an hour or less motorcycle ride (or car, which would be faster) and will have to trek a rocky terrain to the brook (or spring it was called my friends told me recently). Brook or a pond the swimming area looks like, surrounded by forestry and ricefields. There’s this tropical plant they call “agol” of the coconut tree family used for landscaping and flower arrangements that grows wild in the area. Funny thing was, my gay friends who went there before has this code “mingga – agol” (which means “look for ‘agol’ shoots’, literally), that would mean to them and to the male locals to have quick sexual fun in the woods, similar to what we termed as “pamati” here in town. To cut it short, we swam and the local boys swam (to clean their genitalias of all in the days sweat..ewww) and afterwards Lee Jack and I were left behind in the swimming area while they all go to the woods and have their outdoor sexual adventure. Only if the boys were my type then I might have gone with them in the woods and experience it outdoor-bareback in the scorching heat beneath any tree shade. Hahaha. Anyway, had there been a hot guy there I wouldn’t have had the guts. I am too reserved to try something that kinky. Although I have fantasies doing it outdoor myself!!

And there’s only one guy I have in mind experiencing it with, especially with love and lust combined…

Jun….

But unfortunately will just be in the confines of my dreams. As it occur to me now now that I mentioned of Jun, it is in this same tropical sunshiny season back in 95 that I met and fell for him.

His grandpa, who is a very distant relative of my grandmother, died last week. Because of that, Jun was in town two days ago. To my delight, we spent a few hours of being together with bottles of liquor, as usual, along with his neighbors. We weren’t talking, we were texting even if he was just in front of me.

Sweet.

But the exchange was more of clowning and teasing and lightheartedly telling him how I still feel about him. That kind of approach was, according to him, comical because in some ways he kind of forgets his dilemmas. I suppose his mourning is one of them. To me, it is kind of exceptionally perverse because my affections towards him make me forget the reason why he is in town and why I was there: to mourn with him and his family. Haassssshhhhhh! And yes, the stealing of glances is never to be forgotten. How can I help not to, he’s way too hot for my eyes. Then I was drunk.

It’s been years…decades…and he still gives me the same effects as he does when we were very young. He is my first love. One of the unreciprocated loves I had. The kind of loving that often occurs my way.

I still can’t understand why can’t I fully let go!

I (guess) I still love him more than anyone, only that him being straight and me being gay, all we can be is friends and distant cousins.

Terrible! Because when I see him and the more I see him, the more it makes me want to want him. And when I don’t see him the more he runs in mind and thoughts of wanting to struggle determinedly to win him, whatever it takes, flows freely. Of course, loco de amor that I am with him and still keeping my sanity in tack even if I am taking Xanor, I cannot do what my wild imagination is telling me to do.

And when in my solitary confinements and or trying to ease such longing none of the very few people I get attracted to could surpass how Jun affected my life.

So then it must be true, first love never dies.

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I remembered just this instant. He celebrated his birthday last 17th. I was with him that fucking night!!! Why in the world did I forget to greet him?! Anyways, it would be awkward to say “happy” birthday when he and his family are mourning. But I must send him text message right now.
April 19 4:37pm

Its hard to imagine how everything these days often involves money! I hate the thought that almost everything involves moolah! and without it you can't move. you can't go anywhere. you can't survive!

I must say, its a hard life to live without some colorful "valued" paper and a few metallic silver things that say ka-chiing when you group them together in your hands. I can feel the hard life without any penny in my pocket. Not even a "pisong duling" as we call it in our native slang is in my pocket.

Apart from the impression that people I call friends and acquaintances think I am rich, well-off and...well...basically just dont have any problems with money, they're so wrong. I am soo full of problems when it comes to money. If I make a list of what troubles me which involves a money I guess i'll fill up the whole page of a bond paper or even have another page to list excesses. I guess that impression is just based on what they perceive: i live in a big house, I have knowledge of things because I was able to go to school, I speak kind of ok, I know some stuffs about high end gadgets...or let's just say i carry myself just fine wherein people think I am just not having any problems with money.

To tell you honestly, our household is seemingly almost always short of budget. I dont know where the money is going to. Of course we have a lot of expenses for so many of us from so little income but I just dont know where it is going to. Sometimes my grandma who does all the budgeting fails to pay electric, water bills, we fall short of toiletries, and even the little fancy things we need for ourselves we cannot afford! If I am going to think about it, the household income is kind of enough for everything but it just so happens that everything is just not enough.

Anyway...it just is very tiring to think of. I wanted to get a job! The problem is there's no job available for me in this little town. No wonder everyone is suffering from being unemployed in this town and the loneliness of going away just to find greener pastures. i wish I could go away to look for greener pastures myself. Yet...the question is, am I ready? Am i ready to go away? Am i ready physically? Am I ready to be separated from people I live my whole life with. And most of all, is my health capable of taking me places?

Money... where are you? Why can't you just fill my room so i'll have no problem living my life.

I still can't figure out why everything often involves money. Even little things like going out with friends, dating, going places, eteceteras involves this semi evil thing called money.

No wonder I havent explored even the cheapest nearby hotspots this town has to offer and no wonder I am still single, not dating, because I have no single penny to spend.

So I started going out, hanging out, wasting time…again…after a month of relaxing at home and recuperating a disorder which had no name.

But I needed the doctor’s assurance and permission if I could go back to my regular activities. And by regular activities I meant going out, hanging out, wasting time, getting drunk, smoking my lungs out, feasting my eyes on good looking to a …well…not so good looking boys (since there’s not much cute guys around town hehehe), and sleeping when the sun is almost rising.

Joke!

I can’t sleep late (but started sleeping late again 3 days ago…shit!). I can’t smoke (but began smoking again,fuck!), but I can drink alcohol a few times except gin which happens to be a favorite. Sadly. My neurologist slash psychiatrist told me to regulate my drinking, and to not take any of my medication if I intended to drink, however. But with my friends…drinking is not something we plan ahead of time. Once we get together, we suddenly fall on to having a bottle do the rounds.

Anyway, I had a follow check up on March 27th with the neurologist who attended to me when I was hospitalized. I knew he was a neurologist, yes, but I didn’t know he also is a doctor of psychiatry. Looking for his name at the center’s directory I couldn’t believe my eyes when it read:

Raymund I. Gacias M.D., F.P.N.A.
Neurology – Psychiatry

I am crazy. I started to laugh.

What am I going to do with a psychiatrist?

And so, I have the same diagnosis I had with myself. I have some form of neuralgia. He did a few familiar physical tests, interviewed, and conversed with me. Finally he gave me same medications except myonal. He also gave me this discount card (since it costs quite expensive for a no income generating individual like me) for neurontin since I’ll be taking that until I see no signs of this symptom I still feel from time to time. And if it worsens like suddenly loose motor control I’ll have MRI done and perhaps decide what to do with me from then. I hope that does not happen. I will also still have to take Xanor when I have to since the doctor said I have the tendency to overreact to certain symptoms, thus, anxiety. And I guess he is right. Whenever I feel something strange there I go flipping pages of several medical books in the shelf. As a matter of fact all of the references I scan and read during the past month have been stacked still in my bedroom floor.

The problem with xanor is that it’s not always available. My earlier prescription is out of date already and I only have purchased 2. Yesterday I was to buy at least 4 pills just in case I need to calm myself and again it was not available.

When I spoke with Dr. Gacias about my concern why I’m taking Xanor and the possibility of getting hooked, he told me to control myself not to get addicted. But I have the possibility to do so since I was hooked to smoking for several years and quitting was damn hard. He was to issue me a non-addictive anti anxiety drug which I can take daily but the price is a pain in the pocket. So I said Xanor will be ok. I’m not taking it anyway. I still have that 2 pills I bought

I am ok as far as I know. I still feel the tingling at times. I started to feel it again yesterday and right now but I am less worried. Or should I? I could but I have to try a different approach to this rather than worry and kill myself with that.