I’ve spoken about the fish. The most beautiful fish I have seen so far in this post one-leg-walking life. That is not all there is. I have not spoken what I truly felt about the fish nor have decided for myself if this fish is worth the catch.

But…

Life is good so far.

I was busy for several weeks. Unfortunately I will be back to the same old routine. I took a job on the 13th of this month; I was on the job training. A telemarketer for timeshare, a sort of like that. It’s a 4am to 1pm job. That schedule took much of my time sleeping afterwards. Then wake up again and shower and go to that stupid job. Needless to say, I got tired.

Since the job was based in Naga City, and it takes me less than hour to get there by car it was indeed so tiring waking up at 2am to prepare myself for it. At that time of the night, there’s no public transportation yet. I can’t drive that far for I have no license to drive so my uncle drives for me. The “devastating” part there was that I spent too much money for gasoline. I mean it is not an issue at all because I have committed myself to the job. But not anymore… that is why I find it rather a wreck in the pocket because I will not be getting any after all that dedication to wake up early and bother the Americans to sign up for an appointment.

In that week, I have signed up 1 client. For this coming week I have two pending appointments but I think that won’t matter anymore. I am not going back to work there anyway. I have decided not to last Saturday morning when I woke up. There are reasons for that. Some personal, and some concerns were not worth mentioning anymore anyway. I just thought that I will not be a very effective employee there. I am not a good salesman.

Of course I needed to inform Ms Charlotte (my immediate superior, as well as co trainee back at InfoNXX some years back) about this impulsive decision. I informed her yesterday afternoon thru text message. She did not reply. I saved the messaged though, just in case.

Its thanksgiving last week so there’s no work last Friday since its Thursday in the US. My co trainees did have a long weekend ahead and as of yours truly, it will be long long weekends…again.

~~~~oo0ooo~~~~

Early this month, I had a love affair. Had because at present I realized it is not a solid love affair. Are you familiar with this line I heard some where: do you love/want me because you need me or do you need me because you love/want me? ? I battled my thought which is better between the two. With the help of Quintin, my co trainee as a telemarketer as well as a new found friend, I came up with a realization that the latter is better than the former.

On November 8 this someone and I agreed to be “lovers”. I quote it because even if I feel a strong emo about us, I am not sure about his. Even at the onset of agreeing with what we will be, I was sure, I am fooling myself for a truth known as a lie. Later on, I proved myself the deliberate truth about it. There are situations that led to a realization that what we have is, really, a sort of a lie. Something like he doing me a favor of being his partner, and me doing him a favor of whatever it was or is that I don’t exactly know. The frustrating part is that we don’t get to be together. We are like lovers via text message. And at times he doesn’t text. It’s like as if he lives miles away from me, but, guess what, he lives just 6 houses away from mine. We are neighbors! So what’s the point in all that?

We have not ended anything we have started. I tried, but he said it’s up to me…then later on he said ‘no, I don’t want us to end’. It would have been sweet if what we have is for real. But it isn’t. Even if he said it is for real, I don’t think it is for real at all. Why? Well, I just feel it isn’t real. My feelings are strong, not because I’m being skeptic/sceptic, I just feel it is not true.

I am letting what we have just go by. But I am not investing any of my emotions anymore unlike during the first few days. Just for the heck of it, let me call ourselves a couple. Ahh…we don’t even call ourselves that when with other people. I know he doesn’t tell his friends what I am to him (because I told him not to anyway) nor I admit to mine what we have. I am not proud of this “love affair”. It is a lie. It is so easy to say we love ourselves, or that we are a couple but it is without foundation that is why it is a lie.

Anyway, I know we fall on the do you love/want me because you need me category, thus, it is a lie. And that being a lie, has been over stated in this post! Oh well, let it be. Having a love affair in that category, I just don’t want to be hurt even if the possibility of it is already right in front of me. So, I am careful. I am old enough to steady my emotions to a shebang like this. And oh yea, he is straight! Stupid right??

So much for that, I finally have a boyfriend, (Yay!) even if it is a lie! He is my first boyfriend, technically. And I am his first “gayfriend”, you know, a gay guy to be in a relationship with. And that I believe him, that I am his first “gayfriend”. Again, what we are, though, happens to be in a sort of a lie.

I was with him last Friday for a while. He showed me a photo he took. And I sent it via Bluetooth on my phone. I will keep it. I surely will keep it till I age, or till my phone is working. What’s the photo about? You need not know. Hehehe. I was with him yesterday morning also, for a while.

So…

What’s with the blue Marlin?? I was with the fish together with my other gay friends yesterday afternoon. By 7pm, we went here at home, just the fish and I.

Nothing special.

I was just pressured, that’s what I felt that night, of my gay friends insisting that he go home with me. Although, I wanted to spend a few hours with him alone I couldn’t agree wholeheartedly to the plans my friends set up for us. I was more concerned about what the fish was thinking about it. He couldn’t verbally agree with it as well.

The fish rarely speak to me, neither I am to the specie. When we got to my room, I watched DVD because the fish fell asleep.

The Blue Marlin in the midst of slumber, so pretty and enticing.

Ahhh…the fish…that fish is in here (my hand touching my chest). I get lost of words to say when the fish cross my mind.

Then again, how many blue marlins can a fisherman in a boat catch in every sail? Do you know?

None!

Chances are 1 is to 10. At most times na-da!

Only fishermen with a vessel are able to catch such a beautiful large, edible, shiny, game fishes.

As for I, a lonesome fisherman, sadly, don’t even have a boat.

Visuals

I know, less people read my blog. So here are pics. At least be to be seen. These are soe of the recent pics I took. Due to lack of comfort and my modem betraying me, I cant post all pictures I have taken in the last months.


On Hallooween. My sister and Cousin trippin with themselves.


On Halloween also, My friend Lj and I along with others at the cemetery. Hangin out. :-)

And my "recent face"...




...which in a matter of days (or weeks) has to change. I am going to shave my head again,to get over the heavy load inside. I am crazy. That's how I do it.

The Blue Marlin tastes a bit salty. It was cooked with coconut milk and crushed with a lot of garlic. Looks rather appetizing than it was eaten.

I had that for breakfast yesterday.

When I left home today to be here in a computer shop to blog, my aunt was cooking the same thing. I have all the desire to eat it for I know my aunt is a really good cook.

with that all in my mind right now, it occured to my thinking how the "blue marlin" i was hoping to catch in the vast ocean would taste. I am not speaking of it in its literal sense althou at the back of my mind, that thought is being entertained. I assume the fish tastes sweet. or maybe sour. or... a fish that has a taste that has the taste of sophistication that even the bestest food taster there is will not distinguish. I think.

The blue marlin was rather good looking the last time I saw the fish compared with the previous liqour encounters. Even if I had no sleep that time, the fish enticed me with some sort of emo unknown. The best part was, the fish took me home. Unfortunately, the sad part was, we were not talking. Why? I dont know the fish's language.

I dont wanna give myself false hopes of catching a beautiful fish such as that. I have my options open, and if the fish jump in to my boat, i'd be glad. with smile as big as the fishe's smile. :-) But no matter what the future holds, i am pretty sure, there are still other fishes swimming in the ocean to get to me...without the bait.

Mary Alice Young said, “human beings are designed for so many things but loneliness isn’t one of them.”

My desperation on so many things in life made me wonder if I am lonely. I feel loneliness from time to time and it makes me binge or exercise a lot or work on my chores heavily that I forget to eat. My emotions betray me all the time whenever I encounter insecurities that beset me. And my diversion varies.

Weird. But is there anyone who feels the same way as I do? Let me answer that myself, YES! The real question is, how do they deal with it? I know it’s strange that some people spend their money on therapies or indulging on self help books but I sometimes wonder if they really do help. Do they? I know questioning Freud or any psychoanalyst about what they do is deliberately silly! It’s just that at times, as human that I am, brazen with thoughts of contradictions, even the easiest questions with one snap answers I still question.

See, I need help or else I’ll end up one of the lunatics this town has. Speaking of lunatics, yeah, this town(Nabua) has lots of them. I’m not sure if I should be afraid of them or not. Some of them have this impeccable craziness. Oh, impeccable, quite not since they’re crazy already. If ever there is such thing as “the perfect craziness”, then you’d understand what I’m talking about. But what I’m truly saying is their way of thinking seems alike. The only difference is that if they’re violent or otherwise. I’ve encountered a few violent “loonies” and they are downright scary! Now you see, this is crazy! I am talking about how lonely life is and then I am suddenly talking about “Impeccable Craziness”!

Let’s come to think of it for a second, Loneliness. And I have a personal question for you, are you happy? I know some of you will throw me back a question like, it depends on what do you mean by happy, in what sense. The deeper sense, that is. I know even the happiest person encounters some loneliness in their lives and they are never really happy at all. Ever since I was young, learning things about life while growing up, looking for precise answers on the void and the longing-ness to complete the equation of life, I’ve said to myself, lacking basis and theories as to why, we never are happy until we face death. I have this little speculation going on in my head about death that none of us will leave the face of the earth unless we completed our mission. We are not going to die unless we understand the true meaning of happiness. Thus, we are lonely as we go through about life.

We smile. We laugh. But in my opinion those bliss are temporary. Permanent happiness is somewhere else. I actually don’t have the idea where. Christians/Catholics believe it’s in the after life. Even the Hindus believe it’s with the Krishna. No matter where happiness lies, it is, in my opinion, in fact temporary in this earthly life.

If only making heaven on earth is possible we possibly would have complete happiness. I’ve never been to heaven and my assumption is it is a happy place basing from the illusion or to put it lightly, imagination of intellectuals. This world would be a happy place if that is possible. But like I said, it is not. You may ask why. It is just not possible. There will always be people who will contradict you, hurt you and think of any one of us inferior over them. With the lack of respect,and love that we needed from others we are lonely. In the absurdity of it, that is human nature.

And so, the world is lonely, admit it to ourselves. But it doesn’t necessarily mean we cannot deal with it. Yes, we humans are designed for so many things, that is why we have ulterior actions to make our lives less lonely. The only matter is, some times, there are people who will use somebody or some one for their own well being. Some turn to illegal substance to ease what they’re going true. They do know it is not their true friend but it is a big big question why they always turn to them. Some people, if they feel that their loneliness is too much, they break down. Snap. They’re crazy, worse, gone!

This leads me back to the mentally ill individuals in this town. I assume the causes as to why they are crazy, vary and the cure is endless. Sad thing, they don’t get cure even if we can say cure to the mentally challenged individual seems endless. Soon they will get crazier, will become ill and they’ll die.

So what was their mission in life? I must admit, my little theory faces its first rebuttal. And I admit, I do not know what their mission in life was or is. Yet surely, there is a complex truth that they have lived their life and their mission and then they faced death. I don’t know the precise detail but I know they did.

Loneliness is such a complicated state of the mind as complicated as living in this world is. We search for answers to our questions. We do things to ease the burden that we carry.

Loneliness, why are you such a lonely state of the being? I sure cannot conclude what I am saying here for the search is just about to start.

Our mission in life is to live a happy, simple and in Godly tune. Yes, loneliness shouldn’t conquer the whole of us. Last night I was thinking if I should agree or disagree with what Mary Alice Young, narrator in Desperate Housewives said, if loneliness isn’t designed for the human life. Hearing that being said in a particular episode caught me utterly clueless, Sadly, I didn’t arrive at a conclusion. But now as I sit here and run my calloused fingers on the keys, I say, it is indeed not designed for the human life. Then why in the world do we feel such emotion? We, design it ourselves to make life complicated. I don’t know as to why. Perhaps there are just some needs that we cannot fulfill, make lousy decisions and when it's too late to turn back caused us to be lonely.

What I philosophize here is, again, nonsense. I cannot organize the thought and the emotion of what I needed to say. And in that little – of - a - thought, I am lonely. In my mind and in my heart, I know something about the subject. There are some needs I needed to get. A void I needed to fill. The only precaution I should take notice of is when on the event that I cannot carry the burden anymore, there must be someone to guide me and hug me. Yet, as of the moment, loneliness shouldn’t seize me. I am lonely I guess and the cure is not endless.

Charlie Chaplin once said, “I always like walking in the rain so no one can see me crying.” Express loneliness ladies and gentlemen. It is a choice. Deal with it it is healthy. Disregard it, and you are an incoming nutcase.

There is so much to do, so much to learn, and so much to discover rather than be lonely. What we needed much is to be strong and face the adversities of life.

Correct me if you think otherwise, but yes, I agree.

“human beings are designed for so many things but loneliness isn’t one of them.”

In the Ocean...

I think I found yet another fish.

a blue Marlin...

I hope I'd catch. :-)