Despite my apologies, my friends whom I have offended have gone cold towards me, much like treating me in a civil way. I cannot blame them for I might have really sucked them out to stay away from me. DonDon is the only one who still treats me like always and much thanks to him. The other night, Gani, a friend in town came over my house and we drove around town and met with the friends. That’s when I’ve realized their cold treatment. I assumed what I’ve done wrong was already behind us since we send SMS like always but then it seems their resentment towards me has come to be a chip on their shoulders. So, I’ll let them be. Gani and I hang out instead since it seemed he has something going on between them, too, which I didn’t bother to ask what it was. We had a nice conversation about several issues facing our lives. As we go on sharing our life experiences about being somehow misunderstood by people, as well as, time’s running out for us to carry out our life’s goals, as weird as it sounds, I sat there beside him at the town plaza half hearing his tales…my mind floated with the question:

What have I accomplish?

…N o t h i n g….

That’s not what I am going to talk about on this post because I indeed haven’t accomplished anything.

I know it’s a cliché in this blog how stagnant my life has been since my accident. I thought I got over the emotional pain, but I guess I have not. That accident has just given me more of the depressing mood each time my leg feels a sudden discomfort and at MOST times when there are physical activities I would like to endure on.

Having said that, I have no other option but to think why does that have to happen?
By inquiring on that question, it sort of eases my mind and heart momentarily thinking of that unfortunate. Of course the self absorbed answers are the usual: “must be my fate”; “it’s God’s will”; “a test”; and the most common of all “something happens for a reason”. It indeed has some reasons but such seemingly mundane conundrums sometimes just put me defense-less. Who could question the mystery that “everything happens for a reason”?

I tried but I failed.

Returning answers to such questions are seemingly defense mechanisms to better the inquiring mind and soul. Does it help the poor soul? For a time it does but the moment you feel the same feeling of inquisitiveness as to why and why and more whys come your way, you route back to phase 1. It occurs to me it’s a cycle I and some of us are trapped in.

You see, we have a choice actually: to dwell in the unknown or suppress it (and play the happy soul).

I opted for both.

I dwell in these never ending quests to ally my whys and to suppress these why’s and try to harmoniously live in and out of the cycle. Yet, why does that modicum of succor do not ultra help me in most ways. I still cannot fully accept why did this happen to me, one of the many things I dwell on. It may not show in my face personally that I have a poor soul but it lingers inside me and my aura cannot fake the intense desolateness.

People with exuberant selves, I envy. They seem to be full of life. They are in content with the superficial endowments. And their entrée’s contains just a little amount of the so-called whys of the dish called life and living. I just don’t get their recipe. I tried being in the shallow but I don’t get it perfectly. I always end up not undercooked but burnt. I thought being happy is a not a needle in the haystack, but it is. I don’t know why. I know I am slightly contented with “my fate” and I am happy but just not within.

When i feel really ugly about a lot of things...including myself... i run. i dance. or when the going gets tough, i drink to it...ALONE.

I've gone tired of wallowing, sulking in darkness and drowning myself in deep shit which afterwards leave me nothing but more despair.

Laugh at me when I say, I found a new strategy. I recreate myself and think (or feel) I am a print ad model whenever I feel terribly low! Yea, I certainly do. Go on, laugh. i dont mind.

I just wanna feel the beauty in the ugly [me] (qouted from derelict.com).

here's what i've come up to, which is pretty much the same La fea. Well, and hopefully more.

Last night, I think I may have liberated myself too much which caused me to offend three people who I consider my super close friends for two and more years.

Like the usual, alcohol/liquor release me of inner tension and inhibitions. And I seem to loose control of the “what’s not”. But let me redeem myself first that I do not speak what’s on my mind very often, and I don’t like to argue but in the event that I think there’s something worth arguing then I do release my point of view where which I believe is in the stand point of what is correct.

My mouth can be pretty offensive sometimes with or without noticing that it hurts the person receiving it. I don’t know, but it seems I am just built that way. I rarely speak but when I do, here goes I offending people.

I needed to share a little background information of what’s going on between these three persons I offended in this post.

Janina, or Janet (nicknames we’ve been used to calling him) is my future self according to my friends and I. These jests of past and future selves revolve within the group of friends which I am recently a part of. Janet and Tita Lau are long time buddies, Tita Lau being Lee Jack’s future self. Now, Lee Jack and I are buddies for years and we’ve somehow been associated with each other that if I am not present and vice versa, people who knew us asks about the other’s whereabouts.

Anyway, the setting is Janina is refered to as my old self and Tita Lau as Lee Jack’s old self, where, alternatively I play Janina’s future self and Lee Jack projects Tita Lau’s future self. The association has become sensationalized because of some behavior similarities of us persons involved. I wouldn’t say I am similar to Janina in many ways but indeed I am similar within the limits where Janina stands in “the Tita Lau and Janina tandem”, as well as where Lee Jack stands in that tandem, too. Janina mocks. And Tita Lau mocks even better. Similarly, Lee Jack mocks way even better than Tita Lau while I stood just in the middle when in comes to mocking. For when I mock, it’s unconvincing.
And these form of mockeries to us friends would only mean jests, and of course, that a given, because almost everyone of us are filthy mockers of each other’s company, being offended is not in the equation.

But last night I think I have offended Janina. Everytime they mock me or he mock me to be particular is fun. I don’t get offended even if its way way below my belt. Afterall, such mockeries are just for fun anyway. Last night, mockeries where here there and everywhere and I do not exactly know where I fell short of going over the limits of what’s not fun anymore. And that is, to Janina’s end I may have gone overboard but I’m pretty sure about myself, though slightly intoxicated, that my mockeries are leveling and should not offend them or him. However, it’s safe to say I don’t know Janina that well. I don’t know what offends him.Last night I just felt I have offended him though he did not say anything. To say that I offended him shows that I am not good at “mocking” people because I felt a slight disappointment about myself that in order to appear comical I use the expense of some one else which by the way is how they (we) mock, in the expense of a certain someone. But let me make it clear that it’s not backstabbing because our form of ridicule in someone else expense is done face face with the involved individuals. Now, if I may have offended Janina in more ways than one, I apoplogize. But then, they or he shouldn’t get offended because that’s how we have fun.

I also think I offended DonDon. DonDon is in feud with someone within the group, Gani. Last night, we were talking about how Gani had beaten some other gay. That time DonDon hasn’t arrived yet. When he arrived, and after a few nonsense talks, the boyfriend of our friend asked Gani and at the same time pointing at DonDon’s direction if it was DonDon who Gani beat some years back. And I began jeering something offensive. I said “oh I love you” and then I stood up to clap hands with the guy who asked for sheer approval that I enjoyed his innocent inquiry. To my dismay, I didn’t realize that there was tension with how I reacted towards the immaculate inquiry because it may have appeared to DonDon that I have become rather provocative of starting yet another clash. Because I was in a mocking mode last night I didn’t realized DonDon walked out. Again, to appear somehow comical I unconsciously have used someone else’s expense. And I am gratefully sorry for doing such behavior. I haven’t apologized to DonDon yet and I know I must apologize as soon as possible, personally.

And lastly, I have offended my friend Lee Jack. Issa, a friend of ours, was sharing what’s going on between him and his boyfriend for six years. He said they are somehow on the rocks as of the moment, jealousy being one of its reasons. Then, Lee Jack told Issa in his kindest way that [Issa should] “start loving yourself”. That’s where it all began. That single statement “start loving your self” just didn’t appeal to me, in behalf of Issa. With my unsolicited opinion, I voiced out that it is somehow inapt to say that [ Issa should] start loving himself. That statement will insinuate that Issa didn’t love himself before. That’s where Lee Jack and I began arguing. Lee Jack was pointing out that Issa should start loving himself this time, ALONE. I asked Issa “did you not love your self before?” Issa answered he did love himself with his boyfriend. With his boyfriend, meaning, not alone, them, as one entity. And then Lee Jack said his statement is correct that [Issa should] start loving himself. Then I followed, ALONE. At that point the argument already has proved Lee Jack correct but still, as I can see and feel Issa is rather confused with what he is saying. And a questioned played in my mind that “if Issa loved himself with his boyfriend, then he really did not love himself ALONE before without his or a bf.” Even if he did not love himself without his or a bf, the statement still stands unappealing to me because it is very incorrect. Grammatically correct but the meaning would convey differently to someone who will hear it. My point is you can not NOT Love yourself that is why “start loving yourself” sounds very unappealing to me. If we’re going to define START which is synonymous to “begin”, it is defined as “to cause something to come into existence, to experience the first stage of something for the first time or after a period of not experiencing it… etc”. Now basing from the definition of start, if Issa did not love himself before ALONE (separately from his boyfriend and or as an individual with a bf or even without bf) then Lee Jack’s statement is correct which ever way we look at it. But if Issa did love himself Alone, as an individual, separately from the thought of “he loved himself WITH his bf (or together with his bf)”, then my friend’s statement is incorrect. Because, you can love yourself as an individual, apart from loving yourself just because you have a boyfriend. Now what if you don't have a boyfriend? Does that mean that you could not love yuorself just because a boyfriend is not present? That’s just not right.You still have to love yourself as you ALONE, separately even if you have a bf or do not have a bf. That is, you love you, you love your boyfriend and then you love you and your bf as one. To say that (you) “start loving yourself” is an insult to someone who I perceive as someone who deliberately loves himself as an individual. Since both Lee jack and I are opinionated on such discourse we didn’t arrived at an agreement to who is correct or not. Until I retorted something inconvenient that insulted my friend Lee Jack. I told him beginning with a certain disclaimer which is “no offense to you” followed by “[I am] advance in English/grammar than you do” It’s not the grammar that is incorrect actually, but the statement in reference to Issa’s well being.

Grammatically, his statement is correct only that the meaning it would imply to someone who listens such as I who, in reference to how and what I know of Issa, is inappropriate. Lee Jack honestly told me I insulted him, and I know I have insulted my friend but I did not intentionally nor deliberately wanted to insult him. I have no sarcasm when I said that. I innocently retorted a very offensive remark. I feel sorry I said such comment to end the discussion without knowing that I have insulted friend, which i really didnt mean of doing. I apologized to Lee jack right then and there but what I said somehow pierced him deeply. And I am really really really sorry for having said that, which I ultimately asked for his forgiveness several times. He said its ok, and he’s thankful that I showed him where he stands and that he knows now. As it appears to me, that reply sort of didn’t patch it up that soon. To read between the lines I could assume that he wants to back away from me for a while for dragging his intelligence to the pit. But I didn’t mean it that way. I know deep in my heart I have insulted my friend. And I am sooo deeply sorry. I honestly did not intend nor purposely insult him. Yet, as it appeared to him, I am insulting him.Period.

Only Issa then could prove or disprove in order for us to arrive at an agreement from that statement. As it appears to me, Issa was confused when he said "i love myself WITH my boyfriend". If Issa didn’t love himself before as a whole, ALONE, or separately from anyone elses (no bf and all) then my friend’s statement is correct. But if Issa did and does love himself even with or without his or a boyfriend then and now, then that statement is, by far, not wrong but rather inappropriate to be told.

I know I am right. Humor me if I am incorrect, and I accept. Underlying fallacies are in my statements, i know. and it may be a very emotive argument. But at that, it’s Issa who can only say that my rebuttals are incorrect for its him we are talking about with the proposotion whether or not did he love himself before ALONE notwithstanding or considering the fact of his true emotions about the love for his self.

I have a big mouth and I have been improper with my behavior although it’s sort of leveling with them mockeries. However, that is not who I am. I am the timid, quite, speechless, and whom they insinuate as crazy. I guess in the event that I speak my mind I always get overboard and shoot stray bullets hitting not-so-innocent people. And I hate it! To those three friends whom I have offended, I really am sorry. Very very sorry.

Labels: beliefs, discussion, fight