My friend Swordfish has written something which definitely stirred my senses. I have never thought of “new year’s resolution” in a way he has thought. See, every year we make resolutions which later would not be altogether realized, well, for the most part. I say that because I myself has not, for so many new years time, hold on to a certain promise for the year to take part. But Swordfish took a leap in describing New Year’s resolution as a blank sheet of paper given to us every start of the year.

A fresh start. A life renewed (even if nothing actually changed).

Start clean, and so we try again.

As we always do, we keep on trying correcting our mistakes, or sometimes leave that mistake behind and forget about it. But as the year progresses, we then realize that at the end of the year, what we promised not to do, or at least changed, has been done…AGAIN. Why? The answer maybe lies on the saying that habits are hard to break!

And so, with Swordfish’s insights on new year’s resolution…I’d like to think that this 2008, a new sheet of oslo paper way longer than the regular size is set upon me to draw a beautiful, more meaningful and productive life. Not just blots of abstract designs, but a fine work like Michaelangelo or Da Vinci's. The thing is, what we always retained in our lives as we are so damn stubborn to break away from them will be the new, ironically still the same resolution…and this time with the "conviction" to be true to the promise.Pish!

Looking back, 2007 was never my year…the same as my 2005 when all I thought I was going the path to greatness then comes a sudden blow of fate that change my life entirely. 2006 was a year to deeply ponder on my thoughts, that’s why I have kept this blog. However, I enjoyed blogging so much that I apparently disregarded my original reason as to why I am keeping a “memoir” of these thoughts in my brain.

I tell you. My life has never been easy. People who knew me as well as those who barely know me think my life is so damn grand! I am sorry to deceive them for them to think that my life has no flaws. As a matter of fact, my life…is full of flaws, or let me say, broken.

I am 27 years old with no definite plan about my future. I had, once. In so far as I can remember, my life plans were simple: a job, an apartment, good people around me, save, travel, and retire in the place where I grew up with a house of my own with a pool and a beautiful garden. I guess, unconsciously, I wasted my life after someone almost disfigured everything. At that point in my life, I thought I was ok. I am going to be ok. But I guess I have not.

However, thanks to friends who have made my sorrow an easy burden. Rather than I sulk in a clinical case of depression, I made a best time of life…

…and later on discovered that I am truly, in deep awe.

Yes, I am afraid. Afraid of the changes that took place. I have feared life, the life in between the mortal and the divine (if you get what I mean). . . I was having defenses. I was also afraid of leaving people behind. Of dying when all I thought I have accepted that fear. Basically, I am just afraid of change. I got so used to everything trouble-free. I later realized ultimately that changes are meant to happen. I mean, yes, I knew “there’s nothing constant in this world but change” but I denied that fact, or at least made it not happen in my life.

Life has a way of surprising you. It is up to you how you will handle that surprise. In my case, I wasn’t able to manage those surprises. Of trying to think everything was still the same I acted as if nothings changed, when in fact, I am not the same person physically, mentally, and emotionally. Simply put, my developmental stage has gone up to adulthood whereas all the while I still think of my self as a teenager.

So this time with a new sheet of clean white oslo paper longer than the original size in front of me…I will write UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT on the center in bold letters.

Before I draw a beautiful, more meaningful and productive life, I have to face life’s fears. And on this context, my life’s own fears. Then and again, I cannot promise that I will be ale to completely do away with all my fears but this time, at least try to understand and accept why some things just have to happen and not dwell on asking silently why this has happened (which later on concludes to defense mechanisms that life will be ok, when the truth is, life is never going to be ok….).

The truth is, yes, life is never going to be ok, but life in itself is ok. It’s how we handle the joys and the pain of living that so called life. That life…which I wrongfully managed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love life! As a matter of fact I love living even with enormous amounts of pain. And I always ask God in my prayers to give me long life, and good health because I just so love life. No matter how seemingly filled with sorrow life can be, I still love it. Now that I’ve mentioned health, apparently its not gonna happen. I’ve wasted my life in my later teenage years until now. But I believe, and I have faith that my life will be ok…and that no mater how painful life can be…I wanna live longer and see how everything unfolds. But then again, its all up to GOD. Mine is just a request in his reverence. This time, no defenses. I will live it as it is. And handle it with understanding, (rejection) and acceptance. Its all true.