To constantly move forward is easier said than done especially when all your life you had been holding on to almost everything, even those that are supposed to be put to past. However, it is considerable to take your past into view in order to determine how you will move on. But to put your past ahead of you is like blocking your way to growing, winning and making life more meaningful.

My past hindered my path. I let it get in the way.

This time it wouldn’t. It takes a lot of time getting used to but if I am determined to succeed and realize my dreams, I should not let anyone or anything get in my way.

This past I am talking about is rather wide-ranging. I couldn’t understand it myself but if I relay them publicly in this blog, perhaps I will defy the essence of my being exclusive, of the things that are meant to be personal. In this sense let me say my past contained a bagful of inferiority: My worries, my idealisms, my pride, my being stubborn and all the bad energy. They have been stabbing me behind my back. They need to be arrested and be sentenced for life, or better, all of them should be shot to death for betrayal, and they’re treachery. This is a war against myself. And I should win. I am determined to win this battle versus myself.

Strange…but some people are stuck in reasons thought reasonable to hold on to for the understanding that it will make them better. In my judgment, I am one of those people. Those who are weak, stupid, and don’t know how to handle the flow.

I should keep on walking forward and start life as it should be but my question is, how? With that one word question, answers are behind me and I must take a step backward in order to move forward. This time, as I mentioned earlier, it should not lead the way. My stepping a few steps backward will guide, only guide me through.

So this time I am thinking, how will I succeed in my career, my sought-after career? The thing is, really, I don’t know where I should go or what I should be. I am inexperienced. My skills are limited...became limited. I thought I was a people person but it seemed I am not. I am not creative. My ideas are rusty, and most of all I failed my education. I only know a few things that can equip me to pursue this sought-after career, of what I do not really know.

I cannot be a doctor or an accountant for very obvious reasons. Neither can I be in Human Resource or Public Relations even if my degree implies that I could because behind that degree is a little too discomforting for an employer to hire me. Thus, I can settle for a lesser professional job. Perhaps I can be under the professional support category. But I guess in that line, one must be equipped with tons of skills which I sadly do not possess.

Where do I settle myself then? That is why I am thoroughly assessing and probing myself with what I can do to aid me succeed, which is a lot harder than I think it would. I couldn’t find my best asset!

I know… I am just afraid. I do not believe in myself and in what I can do. Confidence. That is what’s missing.

I do not want to settle for anything less, though, because I know in my heart I can be somebody I want to be. All I needed to do is thorough planning and thinking and of course be driven for success, which I am ultimately wanting to achieve! And I recall, last Sunday while watching this show KC from Paris to ‘pinas somewhere in that show KC Concepcion mentioned, if my memory serves me right, that in order for us to find our purpose (in life) we need not settle in one place, or something like that. And somewhere back in time I also read somewhere something like “I don’t know why some people are afraid of change, in my case I get scared when something gets routinary” (quote not verbatim, just the idea of the thought). And I completely know what that person meant. Change is very essential in everyday. There’s just no room for growth when everything or something gets all the same. I also learned a long time ago that everything will never stay, every thing goes, nothing is constant except change.

I am not getting any younger so I must fight for my life. I must strive to establish a life! So I am wrapping all these essential ideas and psychoanalyzing and all that good thoughts I get somewhere in order to show me the way. And, God leading the way. And this I Pray: God, help me help myself.


Speaking of God, Ramblings of a non-catholic for me is one of the best compositions/article/essay or whatever it is called written in Ala-ism which is a concise disclosure of one’s beliefs (and how she reacts and practice or bring about her beliefs to our one and only God) I have ever read! I don’t know but I have the same feeling about what she said, and I couldn’t agree more. She put it so finely and easily into words where which I wish I also have.

A few lovely quotes that dawned on me:

When I walk there, I feel grateful for the use of my legs, an ability which I know I may not possess forever. I have not thanked God enough for not taking my legs away. I know God knows how grateful I am for his kindness.

Life is richer for those who are aware of the sacred symbolisms of everyday actions and everyday objects. To walk into a building like a church, a temple, or any holy place, is only a symbolism of walking inwards into our own inner sacred place. We walk into a church not to meet a statue but to meet God within ourselves, and God inside others. People who cannot see the meaning of symbols either lack imagination or are too lazy to create their own.

When it comes to God and the belief towards the Infinite and Ultimate being sends shiver in my entire body. A certain force rush into me when it comes to subjects like that. The drive to learn, understand and share a little of my knowledge and “tabula rasa” about philosophy and religion is just so…so…so…heavenly! And divine if I may add!

Even if I practiced atheism in my younger years, which is by the way, a sort of escape of some non-believers to understand the fullness of existence in a…let’s say philosophical, theoretical kind of way. I was a non-believer for some time. But my atheism only confused me. I craved for the truth in a more rational but solid, tangible way to which only mystified me even more.

For some odd reasons, I just one day believed. From there, everything was clear and I could understand all perplexities. My faith became stronger when my life was taken away and destroyed by one unfortunate incident. It could have been the reason to break my faith. But it didn’t, because I trust God that everything happens for a reason. It hurts to loose the things I haven’t even began and to be “lifeless” but if you have faith, you’ll understand what I am talking about. You feel safe even if you think you’re not. I know I am not a good catholic like most others. I don’t go to church every Sundays or pray the rosary religiously. I am a sinner and I am no saint and I deserve to be punished, but even so, I believe and I entrust my life for the One and Only. Here’s the thing God does not punish. You know, like the line from the song Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang, “there can be miracles when you believe… you’ll know when you believe”. It’s true. You’ll know the answers when you believe.

Holy Cow! and the Scapegoat.

He wants a kiss
while taking a walk in the neighborhod one gloomy afternoon a few days ago, this cow greeted me. Its not unusual to see a cow in the neighborhood for a some of our neighbors own a few cattles to breed and as an investment. I just though i'd share this picture since I am sharing something about beliefs. Cows are thought to be holy in some religion. Because of the milk they provide they should be treated with respect like our mothers (mentioned in wikipedia). I wonder, if cows are holy to them, do they eat beef?


how about "my friend", is she not holy? or just a mere scapegoat?

Let's see....

It's been 2 years now after the accident that, let me say, made a huge mark, disfigured my life literally and figuratively! and it has affected my over all being---negatively, I have to admit! Even if i said to myself back then, that I am ok,i'm cool, etc etc... I guess I just lied, to people and most especially to myself. I am not OK!

Let's see....

live in the now...

forget the past...

...and keep moving forward.

Those are three things thats been bugging me lately, aside from, of course, my being a hypochondriac, where which every slight change in my bodily function is always regarded to as symptoms of cancer. I can't help it. Since that day sometime in Febuary when I was admitted to the hospital for fear of having TIA (transient ischemic attack), I've been overly thinking and assessing every thing I feel in my body.

Even if I am acknowledging the fact that I maybe a hypochondriac I still feel some things going on inside me, malaise that is.

In every day, I consume hours worrying about my health. In order to interrupt my worries, I run around the house and get myself sweaty and tired. It helps for a while but in the event that I feel something again, there goes the worrying.

So for the past few days, I registered in my head those three things I mentioned above. It all applies to most things happening in my life lately, especially this paralyzing situation I have made myself. What bothers me is how to apply them. I mean I do know how but with the limited resources and the environment I am in, its just so hard to focus. But I'm trying my best "to keep moving forward" ... and i will, whatever it takes!


...and I will talk more about that when I get back with my needed privacy when I blog (people are around, I can't concentrate!)