After 3 long years or so, I had a very nice, wet, and lustful lip locking with someone. Hehehehe. I am a sucker when it comes to kisses. There is something about a kiss that I just can’t say no to. Of course it has to be with someone I like.

Anyway, last night or make that hours ago, I was drunk…again…and because of the evil liquid I was able to crossover from the idealistic “I” to the if-you-cant-beat-‘em-join-‘em me. When not tanked-up I cannot do such lusty demeanor. I have these thoughts of resisting people of my kind do(even if I wanted to try doing it). I would say, no to things “normal” to them. Or I would just not agree to what they call norms gay people have.

So what are the norms anyway? I’ve been watching Queer as Folk series on dvd and its making me understand what “seemed” normal to gay men but not thoroughly agree with. Humor me if my understanding is incorrect for I’ve realized I am as confused a gay man as I was when I was in high school. I grew up in an environment where gay people are not really accepted. Thankfully, my family is ok with it so there was nothing in my memory that I was humiliated, beaten, or disowned because I am gay. I never did say I was gay to them. They somehow suspected it and filled me up that, yea, I was gay. It was like, a self fulfilling prophecy already because they think I’m gay, told me in jests of my gay ways and filled me up with my being gay but did not tolerate me to be what generally is gay. Even though I know deep inside I am queer I never talked openly about it until college, not even to my friends. Family and friends still think I can be straight, even people who don’t know me. But I’m gay and I can never be straight. The thing is I don’t know how to be gay (except on the sexual department, I very well do know that, thank you very much!)

Thanks to Queer as Folk. It’s giving me understanding of what gay life has. There are some things I don’t agree to though, but nevertheless say should not be done by a gay man. It’s a case to case basis.

Id like to point out what heterosexuals think of a gay man, sourced from the series and from real people who thinks oddly of a gay person. Certainly enough, we are odd people. I don’t know why, but for a few straight people, we are odd beings and I agree. What I do not agree to is to most heteros gay men are lustful. Butt-fuckers. Cock suckers. Party goers. Drug users. Pedophiles. Leather. BSDM. Perverts. Or just simply put, worship sex! (who doesn’t?) we are labeled, stereotyped that once gay, they’re the weaker ones, bad influence, evil doers, sex perverts and the bad impressions goes on and on. Our oddities are very well not by being that.

As Debbie would say in the series, they need enlightenment. Not every gay man is like that, generally NOT LIKE THAT! I don’t know where they get the idea that we gay men are such fucking losers and generalize that as a universal notion that once gay will always be…of bad character. Of course, there are gay perverts who candidly flaunt they’re evilness and us “normal” gay men will suffer from pejoratives.

What I don’t understand is that, it is seemingly normal for gay men to be promiscuous. Even in a relationship, they still would look for fucks. Can they not just stick to one guy, one fuck? Is that normal? In the general female-straight point of view, having too many casual fucks when in a relationship is not normal. In the general male-straight point of view, casual fucks are case to case basis, not entirely normal but there are situations when there is a need for it (I cant believe I am saying this!). Men generally are polygamous. I am getting convinced that gay men are not females in male bodies but they are males who just like males and still posses the qualities a straight male have. Being polygamous is one. So need I say more?

This kind of topic about “what is a gay man?” “what is normal to a gay man?” “what should a gay man do?” calls for advert discussion. I still do not highly suggest I am in agreement to what seems normal for almost all gay men. Call me a deviant (or a lesbian!) but still I have my ideals that I need to prove and disprove.

Anyway… I am getting confused than ever!

The guy I kissed is someone I like. My inhibitions for flirting with him finally were broken down by the alcohol, was way way broken by that.

When I woke up earlier, I was grunting. I couldn’t imagine myself lip locking on the street in front of friends and God knows who else at 3am!! That’s why I was grunting heavily. I don’t think I can do that sober.

That’s why at times I abhor drinking. It make me do things, say things I don’t normally say but think of. But when its there,whew! I drink it up! Then the uncontrollable me goes, doing the nastiest things I will regret when the intoxication wears out! The kisses, though, this time, I don’t regret. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time. I only regret doing it on the street, in front of friends and God knows who else!! Hahahahaha.

And as regards to my ideals? Kissing someone last night several times in several places makes me wanna agree to the normal ways most of my homosexual friends do…men hop; and accept the fact that there are gay hoppers. The guy I kissed was one gayhopper, too, I believe, not sure though. And I hope not! However, its just one kiss (done several times) with one guy I like nevertheless do not desire. I’m keeping my principle until proven incorrect that I will not join “em because I will beat ‘em.

yeah, by the way, Belated Happy Valentines Day! (i dont celebrate it, fyi)

I saw this guy tonight, my neighbor, backriding on a motorcycle with someone obviously gay.

I sent my friend SMS which has this text:

haaayy... Men these days?! Is gayhopping the trend now?

He replied:

Super!

:-)

Gayhoppers February 09, 2007

Alright, so men these days are fond of “gayhopping”. What do I mean by that? Well, during the past weeks a friend of mine, DonDon, had a whirlwind of a romance. At 3 in the morning he would SMS Lee Jack and I if he could spend sometime with us. And of course, a friend that we are, we will agree. Then, he would spend till dusk crying over a break up. Lee Jack and I would console him. Lee Jack with his effortless ways will then make him break from crying to sudden laughter of his amusing tag lines.

What caused the break up? Another close friend of us purposely told the guy to break up with DonDon. The guy did so just like that. Then, this friend of ours, Issa, became the guy’s new boyfriend. Actually, Issa intended nothing but to teach someone a lesson. As it were, lessons were not learned but realizations about men are gained.

DonDon, is a good friend. However, he has attitudes we cannot bear! We secretly call him “Americana”, “ka-feeling”, “mayaman” and the name calling just is too many to mention. From the word “ka-feeling”, everything else follows. He thinks, (or maybe we think) that he is…well…how do I say this nicely…rich, or lets just say to sum everything up, He, DonDon is so pretentious. He projects a personality, a status quo, a lifestyle that he doesn’t possess. And so, people who don’t know him would think he is somebody who he is not, really. Aside from that, his “ka-feelingan” (or arrogance) exudes. He then becomes a laughing matter of everyone when he is not around because of his fascination of illustrating somebody who he is not. I feel sorry for him not realizing that. We don’t have the guts to tell him that what he is doing is not going to do him good. In our circle of friends they would say “why can’t he just be what he truly is”, why can’t he just accept the truth about his life rather than telling everyone tales about his lifestyle”. In retaliation to that, I would like to quote some friends who heard DOnDOn say this: “…gumibo man kamo sa sadiri ninyong pelikula” (make yourself your own movie). That’s what DonDon thinks. He is making a hell of a movie out of his fantasies, deliberately masking his true self. Well, that would contradict if his true self is already what he is as he is right now. But, that is not the true life he has “off camera”.

Anyway, men these days are gayhopping. That guy, whom Issa asked to break up with DonDon, became Issa’s boyfriend for a month. Issa dumped him a few days ago because the so called relationship is actually just a show to Issa and of course the guy, Miko, is among the many guys of Nabua who is just “gayhopping”. Before the “break up”, he asked for Lee Jack’s number from me, which I did not give. And the other night, DonDon told me Miko is trying to get hold of Lee Jack’s number from his phone. He plans to hop to him next, which, let me say for I know my buddy to well, no man can ever make or break Lee Jack.

Miko is a sweet teenager. But his sweetness is as bitter as his strategy for luring gays. Now if you’re the type of gay who likes being enticed by sweet words, sweet actions, or anything romantic you’ll fall for Miko. He knows how to make a gay man fall in his trap. And any soft hearted gay who fell for him will be in loved not noticing that the one he fell so in love with is using him and/or is still flirting with other gay individuals using his same bittersweet strategy. Miko did the same strategy to me and in the on set of his devilish intentions I impeded his ulterior motives. Men like him can’t fool me…rather, no man can fool me.

A number of straight men who fool around with gay individuals in Nabua or where else in the province is quite large in number. Some of them are very obvious while some are discretely playing with gay men. And this is a fact, these gay men who fell for this kind of men are buying their love, their time, and, worse, to get laid. Let me point this fact: for as low as 50 pesos (or US $1) you can have a fantastic sex with a not so good looking guy but, to quote my friends: it (the act) or He is “tsalap!”, a “performer” or to put it candidly “damn, he fuck real good!” In terms of “libarda” (Libog in Filipino or “horny” in English slang), some of my gay friends would just opt for that. They at times are generous. When the performance is good, they give out as much as 200 pesos (and an added bonus if the guy is a catch). That is cheap if I am going to think of it, but that is a whole lot of expenditure for a fucking one night stand! Sometimes, there are guys who needed a drink before they could mess around. One friend told us the other night, he spent 2000 pesos on drinks. He didn’t even get fucked because the guy is already drunk!

Even one intelligent gay guy I know who fell in love, I have to say is buying that guys love. In this town particularly, to get a “jowa” (boyfriend) you have to make them like you with “dusay” (giving him stuffs, financial or otherwise). My older gay friends who have been in the “service” for years say it is normal for gays to make “dusay”. I will agree somehow, but to make “dusay” as much as how much can be, or make “dusay” very mundane to a gay mans life…now that is another story. Giving small gifts, sharing prepaid load are little things but sometimes these guys are abusive and will loot you. I wonder why most gays tolerate that. I obviously do not understand, that is why maybe, I am still single until now. I will not buy love from someone. I can give little gifts but I will not make money as the source of (or to receive) “love” from someone! This brings me back to my friend DOnDon. He creates an image of a well off individual, thus, attract men. And he likes that. What he doesn’t know is these people whom he lures with his “illusive affluence” are just using him to gain from his illusive affluence. This by the way is very funny because, both of them are in a circle of a lie that both parties are not aware of.

My neighbor whom I saw last night is one gay-hopper. I do know he plays around sexually with gay men occasionally but I didn’t know that he gay hops. One night he is with someone then with another the next day (although he might not be having sex with some of them though). However, I am acquainted to most gays in town and they say he is a good fuck. Miko, as well, is a gay hopper. And there are a lot of gay-hopping men in this town. I know them by face. And please, don’t ever plan to hop my way, you wont get anything.

If only I can take a picture of every “gay hoppers” and post them on this blog. I would like to do that (but not in my intentions to expose them or embarrass them) but I am sure, if someone in town who chanced by on this blog, recognize them, will tell everyone about such a post. That might cause me harm. Hehehehe.