EM(m)ANation

Untitled

2010-08-18T05:57:00.001+08:00

There's so many thoughts in my head but not a single word to begin.

I'm at oar with intuitive silence...a long and deep silence.

Trying to find the right words to begin how to put my thoughts into words.

Olie in Karama

2010-04-17T04:38:00.004+08:00

In Dubai, I live in a densely populated area called Al Karama. I've been living here since I got here, never ever moved.

Karama, as it is commonly called, is haven to luxury imitations, souk garments, small time businesses, and a place for different nationalities to flock around during days off and have cheap finds and fixes. Karama, is a busy place. Almost a central district, or I think it is.

This is also the place where you can find a number of Filipinos. In Karama there is a center called Al-Attar where Filipinos would gather mostly every Fridays on their days off and spend their time there either to buy ukay-ukay, eat taho and other filipino foods available or hang out and outside men with cars are standing by to earn extra income to take you wherever you want(llike taxis, not like any other. It sounded like whoring there for a second!).

I like Karama. There is another area here in Dubai called Al Satwa where most average Filipinos are said to live. Al Satwa they say is like little Manila before because there was just too many Filipinos there. Indeed. But I never liked it there. It is just too crowded for me. Like a real ghetto. Karama on the other hand, is more orderly. Its also a ghetto like place where you find a lot of Filipinos, Indians too, like Satwa. But here everything is in order. Its busy but orderly. It also is very accessible. Theres a grocery, a mall, a wet market, a park, a hospital near you. You can find almost everything you need here in Karama.

This evening, I realized something as I walked my way to my apartment. Karama is a contradiction.

This place is rubbish but nice. Residential apartment buildings are old (they usually call them flats)and are crowded. You live in sharing. My colleagues and some friends asked me why can't I let go of Karama and live somewhere nice but affordale. Karama is just not like that. The area looks cheap but rents are expensive and you dont get your money's worth in this living conditions. You pay rich to live cheap. Some areas here in Dubai like Al Barsha, Al Qusais, Al Nahda have very nice studios, 1 or 2 bedroom apartments for a reasonable price. I was once tempted to move to these places to get the privacy that I need, the comfort of the bachelor living. But then I realized, I am not into city living. These places, first of all, are not easily accesible unless otherwise you have a car. Also,it's like buildings here and there. Although you live like a real yuppie, to me, this is depressing.

Karama is a central distsict but I feel the rurality of the area. Unlike the other areas I've mentioned which seemed rural but actually urban is too quiet. I like quiet but not too quiet! If i live in those places, I think my life would not be balanced. It's too quiet. I will only be stucked in the four corners of my apartment!

I am a homeboy and I dont really care whats going on outside. Perfect for suburban living. I am too sheltered for outside! But theres a time when all I want is just sit and watch busy people go. I see and get to do that here in Karama. The contradiction.

That's what I realized this evening. I cannot easily let go of Karama because I find my little comforts here.

Dubai, like any other big city in the world, you go by unnoticed. What they don't know there is this one guy in Karama who observes almost everyone individually. With the fake presence like I dont care but the truth is I am looking in. I have this eerie feeling of liking it. Karama enables me to stir this kind of adventure in me.

But eventually, however, due to financial constraint, I might move to an affordable nice location. All my little weird comforts will be over.

But for now, Karama, We match. A man of contradiction. And you are a contradiction yourself. You make me,Me.

Well, I am not a yuppie. I dont see myself living in places like Al Barsha where seemingly superficial expats are. I am rich but I am poor, I am not ashamed living like cockroach. Im fine being a villager who drinks water, not wine. Thats what i am.

My name is Olie and I live in Karama - from the outside looking in @ everyone.

Goodbyes are never easy

2010-04-15T03:36:00.003+08:00

This day, perhaps, is the saddest day of my career life. First it was the Chinese, now it's the Moldovan. There's also one pending, the Uzbekistan. When we left Mall of the Emirates it was sad. The Lebanese who I worked with for 2 years was transferred to another department. I was also close to him, as far as I am concerned. But that was a different story. We still work for the same company. Chances are, we will still be working together. For the Chinese and the Moldovan, they're moving on.

I am happy for both of them. The Chinese landed a good job and I'm really glad for her, however, it's sad something has ended. Now the Moldovan. He still have a month to cover until he transfer to another job. After that, to work in the environment I have been so used to will change.

Life goes on so they say. But for someone like me, it's a little bit hard to continue. It may take days until I fully recover to a kind of a loss.

Like I ranted on facebook yesterday, I hate getting attached to people or things. It's hard for me to let go if the time has come to let it go. I told my friend about it and she was right. I am too stiff and need to loosen up a bit. There are many ways to feel happy about everything. Leaving is just another beggining of something new, both for them and for me.

They are not my friends thats why it's strange why I feel this way. I must have been to confident that I will be the first one to leave them.

I remember I have this idea that I made up whenever someone has to leave, especially those who I just met be it in a short term or long term. I always tell my friends, as a cover up to my seemingly courageous front that, I can live my life without anyone because I was born alone in this world. It would be hard if since the beginning of my life someone is there and suddenly has to go. Something like that. Inside me though, I am breaking. That's why at most times I'm very cold in terms of my relationship with people. I am afraid of getting used to and suddenly leaving me behind. Sometimes I forget this and my real self comes out and get too clingy then--- baaam! I break.

I know that "change is the only constant thing in this world". And we all have to accept that, be it for good or not.

It's just a little too abrupt for me. I know I can move on eventually. But the process seemed to deem heavy for me.

I've decided, I needed a break. Comes my vacation, and on my 30th birthday, a lot of things has to change. I'm almost halfway my life and I need to make it big on whatever path that may be.

And I say this with conviction. Not the naïveté that I am all these years!

________________________

As it turns out, he only have until this week to work with us. That was unexpected on our part. He will be serving his last duties at the other department. This means we have to adjust our schedules. And I know it's not gonna be easy.

L O V E

2010-04-13T06:08:00.001+08:00

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails...But now faith, hope, & love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

lost in the city

2010-04-13T03:04:00.001+08:00

Alright. It's been a year. You cannot call a year a hiatus, nor a leave. I was absent in the blogosphere. But like who would care anyway? I'm almost non existent here or even in reality. And I think I like it that way.

Sometimes it gets to me being unrecognized, alone or what else you can call it. Thus the sheer anxiety attacks. I just had a recent one, last Sunday I think it was. I thought I was just having some bad shaky mood but the symptoms were undeniable: racing heartbeat, heavy chest, difficulty breathing, excessive sweating, agitated, shaky, nervous, butterflies in my stomach, the tingling sensations on my face and all tips of my extremeties! It was...scary! But I didn't realize I was having anxiety attack only until that night when I was lying down on my bed trying to calm myself down. All that memories from three years ago when I was on light alpropazalam medication and theraphy came back to my head. That moment was intense! I didn't want it to happen again so i tried to shift my focus on other things.

I don't wanna go that road again where I was almost depressed. Well, from time to time I am but I call them blues. Specially if your miles and miles away from the comfort you've been used to, blues are inevitable. That attack emerged from something unknown. Or maybe I knew but I'm on denial of accepting the fact that I am in a trap. A bad cycle of attraction that nevertheless falls on a pityful category. I asked myself why is it always like that. Had there been something that I could link this turn of cycling events in my life from a distant past? Or am I just stupid not to realize some things can never be? And am I too stubborn enough not to let go of the fact that I know the answers but still pretend of miracles if I may say.

I don't know why my life has never been easy. I laugh. I smile. But almost everytime I'm in my solitude, which I am so at ease but neither exuberant about it, I can't help but feel empty.

It's an understatement if I say there's a void I need to fill. I could fill it with something else but how come it's not close to my satisfaction. And even if I think I found the missing piece to fill that gap, it still is never enough or I scare to let it in, the least to say. Thus the void is and will always be a void.

I'm almost 30 and I haven't found that inner peace. Or is it too soon? To find it, I always believe will be the day you will almost die. So I should say, I have never found that earthly satisfaction every human being desire.

I have to live my life as normal as possible. Smile as much as possible, laugh as much as possible, and grieve as an only option. How to achieve? I tried but I always fail.

Fail.

But I don't consider myself a failure. I have enough strength to combat the unforeseen failures that is why I can say albeit the attacks, I can still manage to live normal life as possible.

Life ain't easy, that's a cliche. Loneliness is a given but not a destiny. You live, you laugh you cry and you die but that's not lonely. That is life. It is a happy life despite whatever circumstances may befall, it's your ship to sail.

I only want one thing in my life. Love. Hoping that the rest will be in it's order.

untitled

2009-10-18T14:57:00.002+08:00

I am back.

Not that I left and went somewhere. I am back from lurking...hibernating my mind and on the process of searching myself after where I left off almost 5 months ago.

That was not successful. Sadly. But it continues...

I do not want to go into detail about what had happened after I came back to Dubai from my vacation. All that I have in mind is that whatever it was I will proceed with my life as it is.

In the span of 5 months I have decided to leave Dubai after I finish my contract. I am not happy here. My heart always wanted to go home. However, I am afraid of how will I end up if I am back there for good. I haven't decided yet, though, if i should stay back home or move somewhere else. I will see.

Dubai has not been very conducive to me. Although it gives me the opportunity to earn what I earn, see what I see, interact with people from all walks in life, of different cultures and nationalities I still do not feel like I belong. This is not the place where I can find what I am looking for. Something which I do not even know what it would be.

See u when i see u

2009-07-11T23:22:00.001+08:00

I am on indefinite blog leave.

But- first- i have come back to Dubai after a very short vacation. It was fantastic although I haven't done everything I planned ( like go to the beach ). Time with friends and my my family was too short. My shisha broke in to pieces on my first attempt to assemble them. There was a typhoon in the Philippines while I am on vacation, and enjoyed the flood anyhow. And i met some one...which sadly has broken me inside, into pieces, but i swore not to entertain that thought, however.

Now, after all that short elation, making the same mistakes, as I always have, over and over I decided to go on hiatus of this blogging thing. Since I am not making any sense at all at the moment after leaving the country, my rational mind have gone berserk, and all these rationalities I have about everything seems like I am making a fool out of me... I agreed with myself that I needed to collect myself and regain my composure. I shouldn't be living like this...in hopes...falsified hopes I myself created.

When I'm ready and true to mmyself will only until then that I will go back to telling my adventures.

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Facebook and Friendster is keeping me busy though, among other thigs.

Few more hours and I am Home!

2009-04-14T13:38:00.002+08:00

This is it! Three more 5 more hours and i am HOME! I am in HongKong right now waiting for my flight to the Philippines.

I am more excited to see my dog, Kikay, than my friends. Sorry. hehehe But I am excited to see my grandparents the most! I miss them so! can't wait!

I'm coming.

2009-04-13T01:04:00.000+08:00

Later tonight I'm flying home.

I am not excited, nevertheless happy. I feel nothing but worry. I dont know what to expect when I set foot in the Philippines after more than a year.

I sure do miss the Philippines and my family and friends...its been over a year and a lot has changed. I changed, and they changed for sure.

I dont know, all i know is I miss home.

I can't wait but worrying a little bit

2009-04-01T04:00:00.002+08:00

Fourteen days!!!! FOURTEEN!! And I am home!

I have to maximize 30 days of vacation in my country and I can't even start to think what I'll do first! Aside from not having prepared myself for this vacation both financially and physically (physically meaning, I havent toned myself up for the beach bumming), I do not know what to do! relaxing would be the first thing to do though but what is next?

I am not financially prepared. Well, I was but then the money I have saved was used to more important things and I'll keep my mouth shut about it for its as personal reason as it should be. The thing is half of the huuuugee amount of money I have spent for this particular secret reason is borrowed from the bank and i'll be in deep shit if I dont manage to pay them back the soonest possible time.

I got paid today and started paying off my bills. I was expecting to use my salary for my vacation but it happens all of it will just be used to cover up this money i owe the bank...I will go home penniless. i only have a few left in my philippine bank account and i do not know if i can manage to survive in thirty days with it.

But not to worry, at least its home. i do not need to spend on anything. if I have nothing to eat anymore, then i'll just pick up some edible greenery in our garden and feast on it. That's what is good of being home. There is nothing to worry about. All the comfort you need you can find. Little to big problems, you can find a solution.

However, what am i here for? Isnt it for the money? And it is a shame I am going home with nothing! And i am going back with bills to pay in my POBox! i gotta figure out a way to handle what i earn and pay all this debts i incurred. i am not being sorry though for getting indebted. I helped. and it felt good to help. All i have to do is to figure out a way to manage what i have.

For my vacation, i'll make a way to enjoy it with nothing but a few ka-chings! the BEACH will have to be the first place I have to go! I miss the Philippine seas! I miss the tropical heat and I can't wait to bask in the sun! Its a whole lot different sun than the sun here in Dubai, although its the same sun.

Can't wait

2009-03-19T15:34:00.005+08:00

25 days from now, I am going home! And the first thing i am going to do, aside from meeting friends, is go to the beach!!!

But i am sad. i will explain later.

i havent even figured out who i was, or am...now. the question is still existing. And i told myself i wont blog until I figure out even just a bit of answers to my own "delusional" question. Allow me to say such.

However, i am excited to go home. Super duper uber excited! So here I am sharing my good news.

After 1 year 3 months and 5 days that I am here in this no-adjective-relevant-to-describe country, I am finally going home! Although after 30 days I'll be back to slavery and will face a rather tough time. And that I will also share later. Right now, i just want to let you all know, those who visit this forsaken blog, and especially to those who care about me, (i wonder who they are) THAT, I, EMmAnAtiOn, is sooooooo excited to set foot on my beloved Philippines, and my oh so dearly loved Nabua.

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I was told there were a lot of changes in my town after more than a year i was away. So i will explore all that. :-)

question existing...

2009-02-03T16:39:00.000+08:00

Who are you??

Home

2009-01-20T06:35:00.006+08:00

I just miss home terribly so! Less than three months seem like a drag, something like a big chain attached to one of your leg and you walk by ever so slowly because its heavy. Thats what and how I feel. I just want the days to go by fast because I cant wait to walk around my town, meet with familiar faces, and lounge in my room and adore every corner of the house I truly call home.

I miss everything of the past I left behind, that is why I am coming back home...where my heart truly belong.

and i really do miss these people. all the good and bad.

i also can't wait to see and be "dada" one more time to our newest angel

...and I miss my Kikay! so so so much! i know she awaits for my return!

wahahahaha

2008-12-31T02:44:00.003+08:00

I’m just a boy standing infront of another boy waiting for him to love me back.

and this is the face of the boy standing in front of the boy i am waiting to love me back... intoxicated with smoking despair.

NY's Resolution

2008-12-29T01:53:00.001+08:00

Two more days and another year. Another struggle. Another challenge. And another shot of life’s experiences, heartaches…and lessons.

Here is the time of those resolutions among everyone again. Which, to most of everyone’s dismay, is never ever realized. Some, maybe, but most don’t. I, for instance.

Before this year even started I haven’t laid out my own resolutions. Its all UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. Those are the words, which sums up everything, I have written in my imaginary paper in 2007. Funny how it seems that resolutions are, also, meant to be broken, like promises.

I have UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED a few hurtful facts about my life but I really never got over every bit of details about it. I don’t need to enumerate them all. I am just broken. 2008 was supposed to be a great year. Somehow it was. I have a job. And that’s one thing I am thankful for for this year. Not to mention I am still alive and full of life: Full of life’s never ending lessons of pain…and this f*cking love thing! The rest of my 2008, I’m just glad I got through all of it and learning to get out of it smoothly. Three more days and I hope this last thing that have me heartbroken which was so uncalled for will be left behind as the clock ticks 12 on the 31st welcoming the 1st day of the year. Uninvited emotions can sometimes betray you. Can you imagine someone who gatecrashes a gathering and made you a little miserable for the rest of the gathering? That’s how I feel. This uninvited feelings just opened my door, not ajar, but actually gently unlocking the bolts and then slam it! See? And it’s the last month of the year. Something which can, one way or another, mark the year. Like, it’s something that will make or break my year!

So for this year, my word will be LEARN.

LEARN.

…to fight.

…to LOVE ( since LOVE has got me all at the wrong sides )

…more of life

…about Life ahead.

Yes, there’s a lot of things to LEARN. And I will. I will LEARN all this that breaks me. I will LEARN how not to be broken by uninvited guests.

Three more days, and please let me be happy. And by happy I would mean, complete destruction of the links that made me feel awkward for the last few days. Like what I always tell my ex bestfriend when we talk about how we view life and painful experiences from people who have hurt us along the way, “I was born without you and I can live my life without you”. But- please, don’t get me wrong. I am sour graping. Its just I who made myself troubled for the past few weeks. My heart doesn’t wanna work with my mind. My heart is very uncooperative with my rationales. So I am not blaming anyone. I am blaming my heart. That’s why my word for the year is LEARN.

…just LEARN. That’s all I have to say.

I have no detailed resolutions at all. Perhaps I just wanted everything to let be. TO let be, I have to LEARN its art.

just blabbering because I am sick. flu and shit. lovesick and all that crap

2008-12-22T00:20:00.003+08:00

After that emo morning I had last post, sobbing and sniffing and kulang na lang maglupasay sa kalungkutan, I guess, I still feel really homesick. Let that be because Christmas is in a few days and perhaps it is normal to feel miserable living in a country which does not celebrate Christmas in grandeur. In my 27 years, Christmas was a holiday to look forward to.

I shouldn't forget that there was a period in my life when I was younger that I became a little too negative about my beliefs. I was...became...agnostic. I abhor Christmas because it makes me very lonely. But later on, I came back to being myself and enjoyed Christmas as it is, with family and friends, and the simple things on how we celebrate it.

I am a full pledge sucker for this Holiday that is why I cannot blame myself for being too lonely last post. Not because I was drunk and "inlove" (which is a totally different story), but perhaps, yeah, the spirit triggered my emotions and all the memories of home, and friends, and lost love came flashing all at the same time.

I miss my friends. I dont even know if I still have friends to go back to in the Philippines. My girl friends who are busy with their own lives perhaps have only little room for me now. Nevertheless, I still do miss them and the good old days. I miss my ex-bestfriend LeeJack in more ways than one. If he's reading this, we'll I miss you my friend. Why did we part ways? Where have we left off? what happened between us? I know I never did you any wrong, but if its the way it is got to be, then I am not in any position to recall everything to the present. Maybe this is how and where we are going to be. I dont know how I will be when I get back home, we are almost neighbors and the chances of seeing you in town would be such a kill. But its the way its got to be. I hope you do realize never have I been wrong to you, as far as I know. And at this point in time, I still have no clue why you ditched me away and preferred to be with your friends now than save ours. Merry Christmas to you.

I miss my loves. I miss how it was with JD. I miss how it was with Marlino, our little silly fight in text messaging. That, however, we have put a closure to. and most of all, I miss my childhood love, Jun. Not to worry, i have accepted the fact that we are now very good friends even if I didnt see him before I leave. And I cant wait to get back and we hang out again and drink Matador or what ever there will be. Too bad cousin King is now in Italy and I have no news about him. The tropa sa bururatanis in incomplete! Perhaps, Jun can fill me in with King's whereabouts!

The year is almost to an end and there will be another yet of those in depth reflection I have to do. how the year was. I couldn't say it had been good, nor bad. The year was ok. But why does it have to have emotional torment every last quarter of my years? The big question! For several years, its always like that. Last year, I ran away from love problems, friend problems and to find out how I miss home when I got here. The year before was a bit fine and realised my love for Jun would blossom into a platonic one, which is a good thing. It took time to process that though, but at least I managed asap. That same year, we had family troubles which I hope is buried six feet under. The thing is, this year, the last 2 months, I fell in love. Again. I silently fell in love with someone. He now knows but shows no interest. It is the greatest insult, you know, the disregard of what someone feels towards you. He knows and I guess that is his way of saying Please, no. I am not into you. I totally understand, but it is fresh. And the total shame of it all, we live under the same roof. Hi and Hellos is the most civil way of acknowledging once presence and we rarely do that now, i've realized, after I told him what I feel. He maybe avoiding me and I the same, unconsciously. but I am dying of this avoidance! I was thinking of running away again. It helps me heal easily, but that is far from being an option. My life here is not as easy as I thought it would be.

So i guess, to be just me is what I will do. I am me. The me who doesnt care about anyone. The me who never talks to anyone only if I am drunk or something. Me who owns a world whom nobody understands but me and my friends. The me who is mystical and close to being a looney living in my own philosophies to the point of being stubborn. The me who shares my own world with no one but me and will dare not let anyone enter as long as I like you. and if you don't like me, it is a problem. I go back shutting my glass doors sound proofed and very tightly. No, I dont want anyone barging in my own privacy, let alone in my life. I will barge in to yours but no one shall barge into mine because letting you in will never happen. I will not let anyone dare come into mine cause I will not say anything and lead you with the impression it is ok to barge in like that. No.I am not friendly I am just me. If i want you as a friend then I want you. Reject me, then let that be.

I guess that is my recent object of affection has in his mind.
Same as mine.
Silent.
Thinking "You process your crazy self yourself and leave me alone from it. "
I guess, too, thats why I am hurting.
I see, in him, similarities.

oh well, another one of this unrequited loves. Neverending.

But I am sadder I am not where I want to be.
The love sick thing is just a fly by. I can live without that. I am emo. I can handle this terrible misfortune. I am just sad I have no friends here. I am just sad I dont want any friends here. I am sad I dont want to look for friends here. I am just sad I am isolating myself from people here. I am just sad its my second Christmas here, away from the ones I love.
I just am sad and I wanna stay that way. So dont tell me what to do.

missing you.

2008-12-19T07:43:00.001+08:00

I am drunk. AND YOU KNOW WHO i Miss at this very moment? my ex- bestfriend, Lee Jack.
and I am almost teary eyed thinking about the good old days with him. We get drunk and we get drunk!c as simple as that! Honestly, I miss him more than anything else right now. But we are of separate ways nows...

I just miss my friend, that all. My friend who I could share my downfalls. my crazy love thoughts...and just my crazy self. I just miss my friend whom i can call some digits away and is there to listen to me and invite me for a bottle of gin for the nights we both are bored. i miss those times, truly.

I just miss my ex bestfriend.really really really as in really miss him! that is all. I just miss him....so much!

:-(

"lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the strength to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference". encounterss

thats all I pray. please help me. I dont wanna run away for another mistake. give me strength to process all things and be strong for every encounters in my life....

this i ask of you, oh lord. I beg.
give me strength...
make me strong...
thats all i ask...

1 year na ko sadi DXB

2008-12-14T01:15:00.000+08:00

one year nako sa Dubai!

today, this same date last year, I arrived in Dubai with the promise of prosperity. I'm still waiting and hoping for that promise. But on the other hand, not expecting. That promise is never going to be true.

One year in Dubai, and I have not learned to adjust. I still long for my own country.
One year in Dubai, and nothing has changed in my life. It's all the same. And nothing has change in me either. I am still the same, only sadder...and perhaps getting weaker.

Should I celebrate and be merry I am now staying a year here in Dubai? I guess not. There is nothing to celebrate.

history

2008-12-02T06:51:00.002+08:00

bicol...HERE I COME, TOO!!!!
Published by j3.

oh my god!!! im so excited to be back home again.so janis...too bad we didnt go home at the same time.we' werent able to hang-out in our "wastedland". ooooohhhh missing my room my bed and the bathroom so much!! when i get there thursday morning, first thing i'm gonna do is im gonna get a stick of a cig and make coffee and spend hours in my veranda and see the breath taking view. wave at folks and neighbors who would surely greet me for coming back and i know they'll be glad i came back. i'll be there for 5 days.5days to scrub my skin, bath longer...and spend hours on my veranda and wheeeewww.... i just cant wait! i terribly miss home. one thing tho...i wanna see my niece when i get there.i miss her so much. i just hope she and her mom and dad will be able to go home too from cebu. damn i cant wait for tomorrow night and hop in the bus!!

i found this last post I made from our old blog, my friend Janis and Kristine had in '05.

That post, few hours later...... tooooooootttttttttt. A flatline. Then I was back, my jeans covered in blood, my leg broken.

And thats how this blog all started.

what makes my heart race lately...

or should I say who? so this is who. i wont tell whats up with this photo or who is this in the photoand what significance has he made in my onelegwalking existence. one thing, another unrequited love. I think I was born with it, for it, Live with it, and embrace this unrequited-ness.
My heart still races with the thought of him. its more like an obsessive infatuation i have developed within the corners of my mind. Just give me days, or a couple of weeks then I will be over this guy whom I barely even know. . . and have no desire of getting to know even more. Thats just the way it goes, right? Only two sides. We go or we dont go.

blog notes

I am keeping notes in my iphone. Like, if there is something bothering my mind, i simply tap them away. I will try to put them as blog notes here in this blog ( that nobody even bothers to read, which is a good thing because i can still keep my thoughts as private even if its published publicly), say maybe, on a weekly basis? those notes were my day to day thoughts, nothing special, just i want to keep track of how I was feeling that certain day. It is sort of therapeutic to know how I was on each day.

I've never been angry in a while...but now

2008-12-02T06:32:00.000+08:00

I had a very bad day at work. I guess my being patient has gotten over its limit. I just flared up from all the shouting, the indecency, the disrespectful gestures, and the hyperactive hysteria of my PIA (pain in the ass) manager!

I had too much of his moodiness. His degrading words. His words that comes out from wherever it is in his brain. His brain which does not have a sift to carefully choose his words if its going to hurt, deeply hurt, anyone. He is hyperactive! There must be something wrong about his adrenaline. It must be excreting too much of this juices that makes you rush from all directions!

ok. I didnt do anything that will probably fire me from my job. I just walked out on him. The only thing I said was, "Ok you do it then!"

I mean, I dont mind doing the Admin's job: the filing, recording sales reports, following up transfers, updating petty cash vouchers, faxing my colleagues requests, the shop's request, etcetera etcetera. Those little errands are actually my manager's work since we dont have any admin officer in the shop since our Filipino admin was promoted and went to Bahrain. He asked me kindly if I can do some of the errand he does so as not to loose the order in the shop. I gladly accepted. Even manager asked me to do it because he said "I cannot do this...". He doesnt even know where some of the files are!?

So I am doing it, not religiously, but I'm doing it at some point.

What blew me off was the shouting, the screaming like a damn school girl he is! I dont know how to describe his actions were and are. its like whenever there's something up, anything which either excites him, pressure him, all his ego come bursting from everywhere filling the shop with his undescribable behavior. He tells you, for example, to do this, and while you're at it, he notices something which needs some attention, then says "do that"! that kind of thing goes on and on. So, you get confused. His confusion he projects on his staff! Not only that, he may have so many experiences in this business, and he shares that with us all. But you know, you feel if someone is being arrogant, lying, or whatever. I feel that! I can tell. Sorry, I am just too fumed up. I may regret saying these things later on, but I apologise now. I am just mad.

Really, my russian colleague, even if she's like always travelling in her own world, has good good insights about whats arounds her. She said, some of the managers here have a different concept of what a manager's job is, wherewhich from what I observe as well, is true. that is to come to work late and to go home early. My manger has done that quite a few times, but he makes up for it anyhow. There's other things he does which I am not gonna say. I'm just so damn mad about the embarassment I have to endure an hour before my shift ends today!

For one f*cking detail I forgot, this stock adjustment note, he came screaming saying things I dont even remember what they were. All i know it pierced me. Addition to the other emotional torture and the stresses he put on us all. I just had too much of his ways and I just have to give him a dose of me as well.

When I am angry I am angry even if tell you I am not. And it takes time for me to get over that anger...years it may take even. I just hope he'll not make me disrespect him even more, like how my colleagues have been to him.

Too bad, i know my manager is good, but he has issues. behavioral issues. he has to take care of his anger management. He doesnt hit anyone or beat anyone, but those f*cking letters that form disgusting words that comes out of his mouth has to be polished. I think he needs some generator somewhere in his tongue which will hold those bullsh*t that comes out of his mouth, for his brain cannot process that, I suppose. Really, You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. So lets plug him in the machine or dose him up with a few anti hyperactive drugs or Valium to make him unlearn this very odd behavior and learn a new one: to be respectful, polished, when to act this old ways and to who and knows how to be decent, the most important among other things!

crunch

2008-12-02T04:23:00.000+08:00

We received our salary lately and we were all disappointed. We don’t have commissions anymore. My colleagues and I were upset, a normal immediate reaction. We were trying to push the sales the best we can. We get commissions on individual sales. The more the sales, of course, the more the commission. But this time though, without any memo from the head management, we were all dumbfounded when we found out that we all receive the same text message from our bank that we just got what we are suppose to get, a flat rate.

Then it all just sank in to me today. This global crisis has finally consumed every vein I have. All of us got used to getting more than our basic. And because we get more of our basic, normally, we spend more, have something extra for something extra. Whatever we have extra when we were still getting extra has to halt. The best way, somehow.

This time, because of this no commission breakout, it all breaks the desire to push on for more sales. It’s like the commission have become our motivation to work more effectively.

It does affect me in one way. I have bills and debts to pay. The commissions is something extra which I can use to, somehow, cover some of my consumer debts. Without it, I am bound to really budget what I earn flat rate very tightly. I have no idea if I can manage, but I will try. My colleagues who have loans and some with the same bills to pay as I, is anticipating the difficulty to manage their money.
Global crisis this is. I am trying to look at it on the brighter side, though. I am earning quite well than most of my “kabayans” here in this land. There’s a minority of us who earns average. Above average would be our Filipino engineers who really are in demand in this upcoming 1st world. They are less than the minority. I, on the other hand is on the average, together with nurses, real estate agents, accountants, document controllers and managers, etc. But those who work as normal office employees, waiters, receptionist, customer service, in the construction, they earn quite the minimum, which is a pity. And they are the majority in this arena. They work the hard work, they extend hours, exert enormous amount of energy to a meager salary. I, at least, have to be thankful I still receive my salary. I still got this job, which pays me quite well even without the commission. At least the company has not laid any of us off. Real estate companies have lain off several of their agents and these agents are now trying their luck in the retail industry.
And I think it is a wise decision for the company. Of course they also are affected by the global crisis and laying off employees is a kind of inhumane way of solving the problem. Instead of them kicking people out of the company to make both ends meet, they did a clever solution that will spare us all of the misery. Cut commissions rather than cut people.

My colleagues may think it unfair. It is unfair not tell us beforehand that we will not be getting our commissions for who knows until when, but the decision, it is, actually a good way to put things through. We sacrifice a little bit until this global crisis is resolved. That way at least, no one has to suffer in losing their job and picking up the pieces from where it leaves them off.

searching...

2008-11-28T05:38:00.000+08:00

I wonder what is there in the next 5 years. Will I’ll be richer? So much in love with the man I have been searching for all this life? Or will I still be alive then?
Each day that passes I can’t help but wonder what’s next.

And each time of every day there never is a time where I scan the crowd in search of this great love. What a pity! I am lonely being 28 and alone. I have not been very lucky in finding that great love. Neither those in between this great love, say, fling or short term love story. It has yet to occur. It lies in my hands to let it happen, I just don’t know how to make it happen. A single hello to a prospective candidate gets me “bound and gagged”!

What should I do to find this one great love?

I am open to short term love story but the problem is I get obsessed. I wonder if, in theory, my thoughts about being in love to someone are REALLY love or is just a phase of infatuation or me being immature in this area.

I am, I think inlove, but infatuated. I don’t know. It always happens in a very unexpected time and always with the wrong people. I am, as a matter of fact, fighting the feeling I have for someone. True. This kind of man to man love is a hard thing. You can never be sure about the object of the affection’s feelings. And I am beginning to get convinced that, if ever there is such a thing as man to man love story, it is only temporary. A bitter phase in every homosexual dreamer in this heterosexual society. If there ever is a one true man to man love that last for a lifetime, I believe is only a one in a million great loves.

Let me be honest. Generally, a heterosexual human being’s connotation of a gay man is about his actions: numerous one night stands, one partner to another, orgy, basically it all boils down to perversion. Yes, to a normal heterosexual who, in one way or another, is open but somehow despises the gay lifestyle, a gay man is nothing but SEX written all over him.

How many gay men are there in this world who does not patronize sex? Sex with, if possible, to every hot man they come across with? I’ll not wash my hands on this one. I honestly have this kind of feeling sometimes. Call me twisted but a guy like me, who is single, aloof, have a world of his own couldn’t help but fantasize what is to be carefree, with a sense of sexual adventure, fun, and leniency towards everything about life.

I am, not clinically speaking, obsessive compulsive. I live by the rules. Rules which are societal. A norm. Whenever there is something I did which later on I think is against the norm, I digress. As much as possible I would like to please everyone. And because I am not pleasing everyone, I tend to be aloof. I’d rather be alone than do or say something which might have me cold feet. It is not at all closely OC but because I want to be like perfect in everyone’s eyes, suggests some abnormal behavior I posses. And that said, I agree, I need some behavioral modification treatment. Or worse, psychoanalysis.

I am gay and I am not denying that. But I will not admit I want habitual sex neither casual. I like sex, who doesn’t, but I will not go as far as group sex, or what-have-yous in the porn industry which are rather appalling and repulsive all the same. Admittedly, however horrendous those actions were in porn (gay porn particularly), it is entertaining. It is a sort of fantasy. A wild fantasy which of course is never meant to be applied or make real in one’s experience. What I want is something emotional. Like, as my colleague would always say with conviction, “make LOVE”, with an enormous stress on the word LOVE. Making love can be casual or habitual also but in this sense with the one great love If not with the one in between the search of one great love or short term love story. By those I mean, one on one, no other tentacles attached. And only with the one in the span of that one short love story. Faithful is the word.

Is there going to be a one great love for a gay man like me? Or is it just short term love stories and we move on to finding the next?

That being said sounds like having multiple partners. Like, short term love makes up as an excuse to have multiple partners, one after the other.

But to me that isn’t so. “In betweens” would mean faithful relationship, a monogamous one, not with more than just one in the span of the love story.
You see, who could guess that this “in between”, “short love stories” en route to finding the one great love, can be the one great love afterall? We would never know. It’s a risk to take, you know. A sort of love quest. Or it is a love quest!

I am in search of my “in betweens”, or a “short term love story”, eventually leading me to my one great love. I don’t have in betweens and I am desperate for one, just to have a start in this quest. I had had one night stands and to this date I am posting this I pledge that I will stay in solitary pleasure. ‘Til I find that start up is only when I unite my self with theirs. I am searching for love and sex will be involve. Or let me rephrase that, “making love will be involved”.

I am open to love stories with deadlines. Love stories with arrangements that can somehow be tragic in the end. I am desperate like I said. It scares me however, that I might end up investing too much emotion if there are deadlines in the end. A love story with a time frame. There is a prospective candidate for this love story with a time frame. Something like, I have to make a deal with him even if it means cheating the emotions I or we could both feel. Only, I just couldn’t say it out loud to him. It’s a pathetic thing to do if I do make a deal with him. He may not agree and entirely put myself in shame.

I don’t know what I am talking about. I just feel I have to say things like this. Like this an open letter, a pitiful cry for help in reaching out for that mystery of who or what will complete me.

2008-11-20T01:23:00.001+08:00

There is the Christmas feel in the air here in Dubai. But Christmas is not something to look forward to in this country. Even if you're, like me, pinoy, who has so much experience how it is when the "ber" months come, you don't look forward in celebrating the Christmas here. What you look forward to is the illusion of you in the Philippines, with friends and family going to the early morning mass, and "puto" and all other native foods we got used to buying and consuming after the mass, or, in my town, jogging on the way home.

It certainly is fun during the christmas holidays in the Philippines. Something I wouldn't trade for any other Christmas celebration across the globe. I mean, yea, this is something relative. A pinoy Christmas is the one I get accustomed to. I have no definite words to describe how Christmas is in the Philippines but if you're Pinoy, you certainly understand what I'm talking about. Its fun. Simple. But fun.

This is my second Christmas here in Dubai. I came here December 14 last year. Being away miles and miles away from home for the first time, crying was the only option I could think of to ease the burden. This time, however, it'll be different. I'll be busy with work and Christmas, the usual December Holidays I got accustomed to for 27 years will just pass by unnoticed. Pity. True. But there is nothing to do. This is a Muslim country, though open, Christmas is still nothing but just a normal day for this country.

There will still be shedding of tears, I anticipate, but kalas! I'll not drown myself being miserable as I already am. It's just Christmas...come on...move on! (nope, kidding...its not just Christmas! It is Christmas and I love this Holiday!). I am thinking how im gonna spend the holidays when there really is work for the rest of the month for me. No Christmas break nor New year break! It's going to be work work work like a damn donkey!

I'll make a few changes on this blog. Nothing special actually.... I just thought I needed some change from talking too much about myself. I think I will work on with what I have observed here in Dubai, towards people, the culture, and rants about how unconforming some of the behavior of some of the residents and expats here that I just wanna go over and done with.

I hope I'll have a nice, if not good, Christmas. I'm not looking forward for it, let's just see.

untitled

2008-11-18T17:16:00.003+08:00

there are quite a few good things that happened in this poor forsaken life of yours truly. first, I got my iPhone back. a week ago on a Monday, the police called me to inform me that they recovered my phone from
an Egyptian guy. this guy said someone sold it to him but I don't buy it. he seems the one who was making those dirty calls to ladies in my phonebook. he wasn't detained. but his name on record. so he asked me so kindly if I could clear his name. kind that I am, I did sign a paper in Arabic which probably states that I am not pressing any criminal charges against him. or whatever was written there might just states something about clearing his name. this time, I have two iPhones. I decided to buy the second one, which I got in a good price with a free chordless phone. that is a decision to buy yet another iPhone after accepting the fact that I won't be getting my first iPhone back, but I surprise surprise! i did get it back, gladly. so having two iPhones is quite too much! i decided I will give it my sister and my brother-in-law. selling it was crossed out among my options of how to have that iPhone put to good use.

second good thing, October 28, my sister gave birth to a healthy 7.5 pounds cute chinky eyed baby boy Zane!!! another new member in the cortero clan! and I can feel how happy my grandfather is having a new baby in the house, especially so that it's his second great grandchild. I know my grandfather is aged and probably is weak but I'm happy he's still fighting life amidst the challenges he and my grandmother still face despite their age. they should be, in fact, enjoying their retirement: vacationing, traveling and relaxing, sitting in a "golden throne" looking through the successes and failures of their offsprings and offspring's own. but that is not what is. there is just a thin line where they can squeeze this good retirement recreation.most of their time is bothered by juveniles. and I had had shared a part of that juvenile moments but I think i'd gotten over that and became mature enough tto give them peace of stubborn ass :-). so there's Zane, that will at least brighten their days since there's this miraculous joy babies carry on to other people, especially family. or at least only until they're still on the early years. once they learn to write, read and all that they start to wonder other things. but for now We will enjoy baby Zane with his cute, cuddly, bouncy, baby self.

another good thing is that the weather here in Dubai is becoming better since it's almost winter up north of the globe and Dubai is getting this semi wintery feel as well. the good climate is giving me the mood to jog in the park, enjoy every minute at work even if my manager, dani, is a hyperactive pain in the ass! but that is entirely not a bad thing. I have known my manager in the work level so, as weird as it may sound, I enjoy he thrill of working with him. he is a puzzle. everyday I have to guess what his mood will be so my colleagues and I act accordingly. and that is what adds challenge and fun in our job no matter how stressing.

it is Christmas soon and I can feel it. I miss home. I miss my family and my dog. I miss my friends. and everything would be much better only if I'm home. but I'm not. so instead of me wallowing why I'm single and nobody loving me,with the conducive wintery breeze to be walking holding hands with the one you love, I'm turning this misery in a good solitary confinemnt. at least I don't have to worry about any other but me.... yeah? right?

answered

2008-10-29T11:51:00.000+08:00

my question last post was finally answered. there is no need for verbal affirmation. i just felt what the answer would be last night when we get the chance to sit by the stairs and talk. not serious talk at all. most of the minutes that passed by was silence. only a few words of telling and asking simple things about simple matters. by the way our conversation flowed (which i do not feel like elaborating), made me conclude that i need not ask. the gestures, the side comments, the smirks answered the question.

Few days before that, I emailed my friend janis the same question. I always trust her on her opinions and advises. She laid out every possibilities if i should or i shouldnt ask. Reading her reply made me decide to ask the person involved. i was ready...for every possibility. I have nothing to loose. I can ask it and either way, i still can get away with it be it a yes or a no.

yet suddenly when im all set to throw the words, the sudden flow made me hold everything back and finally decided a no. It hurts a bit not to express what i feel, but what to do. Life is all about pain. No worries though. Like always, move on to the next. Right?

another unrequited emotion

2008-10-16T21:28:00.000+08:00

Would you tell someone you love/like them even if you know for yourself that there is no chance the two of you will be together?

Maybe.

I asked a few people if they would. They wouldn't. Most of them answered that they do not want to feel embarassed or have their pride down the drain about the consequence, which most probably, a malicious reaction on the part of the person you want to express this hiddden desires to.

I'm battling if i should or i should not tell this someone I like"it". By "it" I do not mean a non existent being. Let me address this person as "it" so as not to determine the gender (but most of you would have guessed which gender anyway. for the sake of it, let it be "it"). The first time i saw this person, I knew I like "it" instantly. "It", was walking in the hallway when "it" moved in the building where i live. I was closing my door heading for work when our eyes met. I saw a tame smile on "it's" eyes. Like a dog's eyes looking at you. So kind and sweet. But, it was like, a seduction, somehow.

From, then on, the sleeping not-so-romantic in me was shaken and is persuaded to wake up, stand up, and go on with another love quest. The thing is, "it" is engaged to be married. has kids and is focused on finding the self in "God's presence" and making future better. well, what do I have to argue with that? "it" has responsibilities, while, I, well...don't. I was thinking of rattling "it's" well laid out plans in order for me to, you know, make "it" like me back. Even if, by all laws of nature, what I have in mind is not possible and not right, my stubborn self still wants to make the go.

Fast forward to now, this love quest have me facing the same dilemma I always get when it comes to loving! Oh how sad it is to fall in love when you know in your heart the person cannot love you back. So let's say "it" is also devilish to say yes to me and be with me for the rest of the Dubai stay. I'm guesing my conscience will not take the guilt of cheating someone or myself of this emotion. And, the pain to endure after the short game. If that ever happens, who will feel the pain most? Not "it" but I.

Another case of unrequited love for me.

To be rational is much advisable at this point in time. Yes? So before anything gets worse, perhaps I should focus on what will be best for me (which, at the moment, I'm not sure what could it be).

So I asked a few people if they should tell someone you love/like them even if you know for yourself that there is no chance the two of you will be together? i got the same answers. While looking back, all the same stupid thing happened to me way way back. The last time was in 2006 with the Fish. Two years before that was with one troubled individual and years before that was with Jeff. The funny love story of yours truly. How sad! All one way.

This time, I guess i should hold on to my horses and not to make the same mistakes again or the embarassment and broken pride i have endured. I'll take the advises. i'll let go of the feeling and focus.

So anyway, i had no great loves neither have one, sadly. I'm almost behind my age and I'm still the NBSB (i'm sure y'all know what that is) I've always been. There's definitely something wrong about me to be single all these years!!!

I need professional help, don't ya think?

I will never get my iPh0ne back...

2008-10-15T14:55:00.000+08:00

Last Week, I reported my stolen phone to the police and the police was helpful in recovering my phone. Unfortunately, they didn't go beyond calling my old Dubai number and pursuade the thief to give it back.

I went to the police station 5 days after it was lost (or stolen) because this guy who has my phone was calling the numbers in my phonebook using my own number! i don't know if he was using my iPhone or he figured out how to take the sim card out of it and put it on another phone or that he has bought a charger. So he was calling the ladies in my phonebook and you know what he tells them?

"wanna fuck?"

Women in my phonebook who have, in any way, means to contact me sent me messages telling me that this guy was harrasing them. So, I went to the police and reported what this guy is doing. But - I was wrong to think they can track the SIM. They obviously cant. I kept on asking them if they can track it, they keep on anwering me in silence. So I gave up hope in recovering that phone.

Finally, last Tuesday I called the network to block my SIM. This guy has called so many people in my phonebook and that day these people called me and sent me email messages that this guy is so fucking sick! So before i could get in trouble because of what he is doing and that there is no chance for me to have my phone back, i decided, kalas, what to do yanni, I lost 6,400 AED. Let go of it.

But everytime I see people carying, using their iPhone, I can't help but feel so sorry I lost mine and i spent so much on it just to have some sick individual enjoy what I have worked hard on to get it.

I lost my iPhone!

2008-10-04T03:08:00.001+08:00

Who would have thought that in this Muslim country someone would actually steal??

I lost my iPhone 3G. Someone stole it from me. Someone took it out of my pocket! And I am so stupid not to feel that my expensive phone is silently slipping away from my Adidas shorts through someone elses evil hand!

I tried to call my phone until now. And this thief answers! He bargained that I give him 2000 dirhams in exchange for the phone. I said yes I will, but when I ask him where he was he hungs up. I keep calling with the same dialogue on and on until he said "give me a lady to fuck"!

What is this? Arab-Muslim country and there are people like this???

I asked this thief where he's from. He said he's from India. But my brother-in-law called me just a while ago because he called my phone and he told me he sounds arabic, the accent and the way he speak. Even when I spoke to this thief, he doesnt sound Indian at all because the way Indians speak is very distinct. It is in a fast monotone way.

So he's Arab. Arab not from here. Perhaps a levant because I have faith that this Muslims in this country and in the GCC would in fact not steal, and talk like the way this thief wants to devour a woman!

I'm in desperate measures! I want my iPhone back! It cost me more than my monthly salary and thinking about loosing such amount just like that makes me crazy! I called Etisalat, my prepaid service provider, and ask them what I can do. Since they dont support the iPhone 3G in this country, all they could do is block my phone number. Not the phone!

I worked for US based telecoms Sprint-Nextel Communications and they have the ability to block phones, All we need is the serial number and the IMEI, input it in the sytem we use and the thief cannot use the phone! Even in my country, National Telecommunications Commission have away to make a phone not work in case it was stolen. Etisalat told me they have no software to do that.

I thought this country monitors everything, from text messages to phone calls?! But it seems they cannot. i asked three associates from Etisalat if they can pull up the numbers from my sim or monitor any recent activity on my phone, and they said NO. I know they can't because its prepaid. But i was thinking this country is advanced in terms of technology, that they could go as far as that for a prepaid service. I thought wrong. All they told me is to report and file a complaint to the police and maybe, MAYBE, they can do something. I asked them if the police will be able to trace my phone and they all said "you have to check with the police if they can". What kind of an answer is that??

Well maybe the police can. So i will go there on my day off and file a complaint about this thief. Thats my last resort. If they can help me locate the thief, shut that iPhone entirely, or not. Because i even called Apple and of course they can't do anything as it is overseas, police is my last option.

I guess the iPhone is not for me. Some people say, "dont worry, something better will come along"! But that is just plain BullShit! You know, all these kind words just to ease the "pain" of YOU getting robbed of your most prized possession! I mean, I understand they're trying to be sympathetic, empathic and all these f*cking BullShit, but man, 80,320 pesos is too much to loose, or is it not??

What to do yanni? My iPhone is stolen and the thief is enjoying my expensive phone. His Arabic and he's Muslim. May his God forgive him for what he did.

ehh...

2008-09-25T03:52:00.001+08:00

I have been extremely busy. Besides, I have nothing to write or share. It becomes such a bore to share what happens to me every day. I am sure nobody likes that. I don’t like it.

What I want is to share something special. The thing of the matter is, nothing special is happening in my life.

Sure I got a job. Hurray! I am buying what I want. Yipppee! But emotionally, I’m still not getting what I want. Again, so much drama, so I won’t go into that.

Here in this Islamic side of the country, Ramadan is ongoing and it is about to end in a few days. What’s good about this holy season is that we get to work 6 hours a day only. On the other hand, my schedule is stressing me out because I am mostly in the closing shift which lasts until 1 am. The mall in this country is extreme. They open until 1 AM! 1Am! Because it’s fasting for most of the locals and Muslims residing in this country, shops, especially restaurants, is closed during the day. It’s only after “IFTAR” that they operate and do business. So, they open until the wee hours to, perhaps, get the profit they normally get during the regular days. The shop where I work operate on the normal basis. Only our working hours is reduced, as the emirati regulation suggests that we work 6 hours only during this holy month, which is actually good if I look into it. Another thing is, I dropped 4 kilos! I mean, I am not fasting but since I sleep most of the day time and at times when my schedule is on mid shift, I cannot grab a quick bite because restaurants are closed. I get to eat only once in a day! Sometimes, I forget to eat. Several glasses of variety of juices makes it for the day.

Work is good, actually. I like my job and I’m getting paid much higher than what I am actually earning back home. I just wish I would learn how to manage my expenses.
One of which is the high rent here. Every pay day, I always make sure I have the bills separated from the rest of my income. Whatever is left is my allowance for the month. Sadly, I haven’t started saving. I spend too much! On food and on clothes (which, by the way, I am not even wearing!)! This October, I really have to make sacrifices in order to manage my income. I cant go on like this you know, living on a paycheck!

I try to rationalize why I spend so much. But it all boils in to nothing. I just spend so much on unnecessary things! It gives me joy at the moment, filling up this “feeling alone” and “being alone” and this “nobody loves me” state of mind! I want to completely get rid of this disposition that is creeping on me from everywhere. It is much like haunting me, actually. Any suggestions how?

Anyway, I just thought I’d write something. I want to go into drama mode again as to why I am still single, but like I said I won’t go into that. It’ll just pierce my heart.

Dubai Movie

Let me share something about Dubai. I got this FWD message from my work email. I thought I'd post it here so people (especially the Filipinos) who think Dubai is such a great place to work in or live in, or is even thinking of including in their travel plans will really see what is behind all these "Desert Dream" some people have created which is apparently in exchange to the "American Dream" we Filipinos grew up with.

PINOY SA LIKOD NANG KURTINA

Over a thousand Filipinos arrive in Dubai every month. And why not?

Literally, the sun shines here all year round; prosperity is in the air; and it's a place where people have reasons to dream of waking up in the morning as millionaires or with kilos of gold on their lap!

Yun nga lang, habang hindi pa nangyayari yun, iba ang nakikita ng maraming Pinoy pagdilat nila sa umaga --- kurtina!

Betcha by golly wow! Paano ko ie-explain to fascinated Pinoys back home our living condition here!

Noong una akala ko isolated cases. But with the skyrocketing apartment rents in this City of Gold , such conditions are becoming the norm.

Sideways...sidesteps

Hindi yan dance step. That's the latest move ngayon sa mga sharing flats. Sa sobrang liit ng space, patagilid ang galaw. Kaya minsan, mga ka-flatmates, hindi na magkakitaan. "Hoy, where have you been, ba? Hindi ka na umuuwi sa flat!" Kasi nga lagi silang naka-sideview!

Warning: Smoking is dangerous to your room.

Hindi health reasons ang dahilan bakit bawal magyosi, no! Ang styrofoam kuya!

Yes, naunahan ng Pinoy ang IKEA sa innovation na yan --- Yes, styrofoam walls, styrofoam doors, styrofoam room. Di ba nga naman, styrofoam keeps you fresh! Para kang gulay, o kaya ice candy. Pero siguro mas feel mo minsan na 'tuna' ka, o di kaya 'sirena' kung feel mong si Claudine ka.

"Ate, di ba fire hazard yan?" "Anong fire ka dyan? Rent ang mas nakakamatay dito!"

"Illegal ang partions sa Dubai . At least ang styrofoam, pag nagkahulihan, mabilis sa baklasan. Gets mo?!!!" "Yes, Ate."

Therefore, 'no smoking': ang sirena baka maging daing!

Burj Al 'Cupboards'

Hindi lang Emaar Properties ang may 'K' na magtayo ng skyscrapers? Haven't we heard, the Philippines is a major supplier of architects in Dubai ? In other words, nasa dugo natin yan! Kaya ba ng Arabong gumawa ng rooms out of cupboards, luggages and shoe boxes?

Dati sa airport lang bida ang mga luggages, ngayon multi-purpose na: dividers na rin sila --- para ang isang kwarto maging lima !

Pampataas sila sa mga cupboards kasama ng mga shoe boxes na pinaka-antenna.

Siyempre, the taller the better --- you keep your neighbor's eyes away.

Now Showing

Pagpasok ko ng flat, akala ko sinehan, ang daming kurtina. Mga kuarto pala. Pero ang cute, cinematic!!! Parang barangay, complete with eskinitas. Kada bukas ng telon, parang movie --- sari-saring life. May natutulog, may nag-eemote, may nka-curlers, may nakasimangot. Sa panlimang kurtina, may nag-totong-its, sa pang-anim, may naggugupit.

Ang gandang movie, di ba? "Ang Pinoy sa Likod ng Kurtina!"

Paraisong Kurtina

Ayyy! Our Paraisong Kurtina. It can make you laugh, it can make you cry.

Be proud of our Paraisong Kurtina. It exists because we'd rather send our money home than spend more for our comfort. Within its walls, lies our desire for a little privacy, our groans, our tears, our dreams, our struggle for some little savings. My curtain says a lot. It says, "I have saved again, inay; I'll be able to send money next month."

Dream mo pa bang pumunta ng Dubai ????

Mag isip-isip....

The moment I read this, I laughed and towards the end I feel something sad. For it is really true. Dubai may give us the money we need but we suffer in earning it. Some even shed blood. But what is truly "universal" among filipinos here is the "kurtina" experience. My brother-in-law and I pay almost 20,000 pesos for a very small room in a flat in a government owned building. In the Philippines monthly payment of such amount will take me to the posh condos in Libis or Rockwell and even in The Fort! Dubai is extreme. From heat, to culture, to almost everything!

-----------------------------------------------------------

...and ohh, my friend Mau, arrived here in Dubai last Monday to experience this "Desert Dream" as well. And she can agree, na ang buhay ng pinoy dito sa Dubai ay nagsisimula at nagtatapos sa "kurtina".

Welcome to Dubai Mau! w/ fellow Nabuenos, Allan and Earl.

Still waters

2008-08-20T13:50:00.000+08:00

You know, that's why I hate making new friends, clinging to them, and having just a boring moment turn in to a good waste of time, if you know what I mean.

You really don't hold what's going to happen and you cannot make everything turn out the way you want them to be. And that what sickens me. When you finally found someone you can hang out with, call as your friend, they suddenly leave. They leave not because something happened between the two of you but because they just have to leave.

And there you are, all the while thinking you and this people you suddenly become friends with will be together for, like, a very long time, suddenly disappeared into thin air. Poof!!! Reality check: everything is temporary. It hurts. It hurts to be left all alone.

It makes me think if they feel the same way I feel. That they feel sad because they have to leave "a friend" they newly made. Or, are they enthusiastic to dwell into a new adventure?

For whatever reasons, no matter what happens, life really goes on. And it should keep moving on.

For this low hearted monkey, it's just not the case. To me, my world suddenly stops. I am alone. I will have no one to talk to anymore.

Its strange how I feel like this. I mean, I have my own world. It emanates I don't really care about the world around me but the truth is, I am as conscious as a sleeping dog. Maybe -- maybe I just need to show a little bit of concern. Like care, like show that I am sad because people have to leave...that they just have to, well, leave.

I am nonchalantly going through every experience there is. Experience such as "good byes". But deep inside, I really feel like weeping.

I don't know. I think I should go back to drowning myself in books again, which I have started doing. I think I should just stay away in making new friends for a while. Especially here in this multicultiral community, people come and go.

Bad Hair Day

2008-08-15T01:33:00.001+08:00

Perhaps being Asian has got a lot to deal with in terms of socialising, communicating with some races.

Yesterday and a week before, I had felt I have been demoralized and discriminated for being Asian...or maybe thats just how I felt. But - really, I felt I just had gotten a racist remark. I initially thought of it as nothing, actually, but it played in my mind for a while and I realized I was mocked.

You know the feeling when a group of people speak in their tongue and then asks you "where are you from?" to which you would proudly reply "...from the Philippines!" and then they bagan to speak in their language again and burst out a devilish giggle. That's just exactly what happened yesterday.

I know its something mundane in a multicultural country that "where are you from?" questions be asked in any given day.

What happened yesterday was different. The customer I assisted with yesterday are one lady who sloppily wears her "abaya" and one arabic looking guy in normal clothes, who I thought at first were a couple. The Arab guy (I think they're Levant or maybe one of those mixed races of the middle east) politely asked me "where are you from?" with his super 'close-up' commercial smile (he's cute, yeah) and I told him "I'm from the Philippines, sir." The lady with a sloppily worn abaya began to talk in arabic with a giggle and they both sneered.

"Why? Do I look Chinese?" I asked.
"I thought you are Vietnamese." she answered.

I told her, "Yea, we're all the same. Chinese, Malaysian, Thailander, we look the same." After which, they spoke in arabic language with a snicker.

She then asked me, "who cut your hair?" but what I heard was "look at your hair?" or something like that. I dont know exactly what I answered her but what i remembered is that i told her, "its funky".

Is that a _&_(the brand I'm working for) hairstyle?" she asked.

"No." I replied. "Sometimes I wear them polished." raising my hand on top of my head for a gesture.
"Why dont you wear it like that sometimes." she remarked.
"I do. I like having different hairstyles. But if I work for ----- & -------, the first line, I have to keep my hair polished all the time."

She began talking in arabic again combined with an insulting laugh. At that moment, I didn't entertain the idea that they are mocking me. So after doing the transaction with them, i politely said "Thank you, have a good day!" with my smile flashing from ear to ear.

After that moment it all sank in. Shankar, our stockroom guy who was standing a few feet away from the counter, witnessed the whole scene and told me, "they we're laughing at you hair." So i checked myself in the mirror walls we have in the shop. My hair looked fine. It was finger-combed but it looks ok.

Then I realised maybe that's why she thinks I'm from Vietnam because of my spikey, almost unruly hair. I mean it looks ok and I'm sure there's nothing wrong the way my hair was fixed. Maybe it lacks shine but it is ok overall. Vietnamese people, from stereotype, have chinky eyes and spikey hair covered by that native hat of which I don't know what to call. Maybe thats where it came from why she said, "I thought your vietnamese." My hair was spikey alright, and I have been mistaken several times as chinese because, maybe, I have chinky eyes. But whats wrong with my hair?

There's nothing racist about the whole English conversation but who knows, maybe in between those arabic words they are saying something bad about me...and my hair. I actually do not get offended when a group of people speak their tongue. But that was different. Its called gut feeling, I believe. You know, you got to trust that feeling when you suspect something bad is actually going on. I got that feeling. When I get it, it's always correct.

I do not know for sure if i got a racist remark, but I feel inside that I did

I think I have to clean my ears...

Similarly, last week, A lady who looked respectable and all that raised her voice on me saying, "You dont listen to customers, do you?"

Excuse me? I hear you alright madam. i am just verifying the spelling of your name in order not to confuse the system with your arabic name that seems to be taken by everyone else of your kind! I got the spelling of your name, yes. But for verification I have to repeat it. Thats how you do it, in case you do not know.

The thing is, i asked her if she's registered in our sytem or with ---- -th A---- (the store where which we belong). She said she doesnt know and said,

"try it under my name,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _." she said providing me with the spelling.

We normally asks for number when looking up for previous registrations, since pulling up names would normally result to a number of names, if not, none. So I proceded typing in her name and verifying at the same time. 'ENTER'.

I was right, her name pulled up a lot of results. I told her,

"its coming under a lot of names. let me verify the spelling again madam."

To my disbelief she said, "You dont listen to customers, do you?" in a tone a little higher than her normal voice previously. That shook me! Rattled my brain! Am i not listening carefully? i asked myself. Confused, feeling the blood raised to my face, I continued.

"Let me search under your mobile number".

"050-------"

"ahh, Ms ---- T----"

"Yes."

"it was registered in a different spelling madam, thats why we couldn't pull it up the first time. Let me update it for you." I said in my very angelic way.

"I know I must have been registered because I receive letters from your mailing list". She replied in her normal tone.

I didnt understand what she meant by mailing lists.

After that transaction, still having that embarassment of thinking my listening skills have gone poor, heavy burden in my heart being ridiculed because she thinks I dont have good customer service, I bade her good bye in my most polite and sincere way.

You see, she is nice actually but i dont know what gotten into her. maybe she doesnt like to repeat her self three times. So, my bad. But to ridicule me with the tone she had when she said "You dont listen to customers, do you?" is so out of hand. i know she, too, felt ashamed raising her voice on me. Because i was indeed listening to her. And i want to give her prompt service. It's just that, whoever registered her on our system did not input her details very well.

Some of this Arab people think we asians are stupid or something. That we are low-class people. But as my Russian colleague said a few times, "these people who think we are shit are actually those people who are shit themselves." Just because we are working in a customer service industry where we have to follow orders from our customers doesnt mean we are lowly people. We are in fact the people who have more. More patience, more understanding, more knowledge about all of you people. And the fact that most of us working in this country happen to be Asian: southeast, subcontinent or just Asians doesnt mean we are poor laborers. We give our share in making this country better, right? We are of service to locals and to people they invite to visit this country. So we must be treated well, too. You be Asian, African or whatever.

It's a cliche. "Respect begets respect." It's all that simple. And I wish the people living in this country (not necessary locals, but mostly to expats) will realize we need to give that in order to get it.

28

2008-08-08T19:54:00.001+08:00

and I'm another year old (but not wiser nor richer)!
to me (tomorrow) and to my managers Dani and Joven (both in white).

First birthday miles away from the people whom I hold dear. :-)

what to do yanni?

2008-08-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

Don’t get me wrong for whining for far too much but I’m really having a hard time to cope up with what Dubai life have in store. For one, I can’t stand the heat and two, everything seems to be falling out of place…or I should say, even during day one dubai has never really been generous to give me happiness in the first place.

I’m sorry for being a cynic but I am not happy. Sure, I got a great job (minus the over tactless and tension generator manager that supervises me) with good pay but I am not feeling it without getting what I truly want (friends, nice place to live in, nice environment, fine weather). I cannot even have a quiet moment to myself anymore like I used to. Moving to Dubai I thought was a great decision but neither it has become better, not even close for being better. So far from being better!

I started to gained friends but I loose them so suddenly. Not that I loose them for something bad but of being together. These friends I call are 4 girls I share the flat with. We don’t see each other every day because of work schedule differences. But the thought that at least twice a week, I get to sit down with them and just have a silly talk and enjoy the out-of-work and stress-free moments we all get to steal from our heavily busy schedules. I sure do enjoy those times I share with them. Watching dvd’s at night. Watching Filipino shows online. Eat together. Cook food for all of us. Share rice. All that I am going to miss.

They were thrown out of the flat. For a silly reason. And tonight I met with them but all I could feel was pity. They have had no time to at least look for a place to move in. it was all sudden. Now they, as they told me, are sharing one bunk bed in a small room together with people they don’t know. I couldn’t help but feel awkward. I wish I could help but my resources is not that enough.

Dubai life isn’t easy and it isn’t grand. Dubai is full of misadventures and pain. It only has to be dealt with accordingly and that is not to care, but care only for yourself and the people who care about you.

I am not happy in dubai. I am trying to be happy by keeping myself think about nothing but work and the people I care for. I give myself three years in dubai… and I am never coming back here. This is not the place for me.

SunDried

2008-07-17T04:21:00.004+08:00

As I stay longer here in Dubai, the more I’ve been wanting to go home.

The news on TV Patrol about the non stopping rain in the Philippines is what really makes me want to go back! As it is, the heat here in Dubai is in staggering degrees so I cannot blame myself if I extremely miss the rain. I cannot enjoy an early morning walk to the pick up point where my transport picks me up. And the same goes on my way back to my place. Everyday, the heat is there to ruin my day. In the Philippines, even if it is hot I still can enjoy a walk whereever I am going any time of the day…or night.

Even if I wanted to go for a run in Zabeel Park (close to where I stay), I cannot. The heat is enough to perspire me even if I just stand in one corner. And I just don’t get it how these people of Dubai can take such heat?!

British may love the heat here in Dubai because no wonder how cold it is in their country. But for people like me, a lowly rice eating asian who has not experience extreme high temperatures would not fall in love to this troubling heat! I’ve experience winter here in Dubai but its not that extreme. Its more like just a little bit lower than the lowest degree in the philippine temperature. Winter here is cold alright but at noon, its hot. But then its better than this heat we have here now,stifling. Hot and humid!

I don’t know where I’m going! I’m just going loco of the heat!

I am also going loco from the environment in which I work. It is true you cannot ace everything. Everywhere, there are still people to pull you down and people who will squeeze you dry. Thank God for the patience! Grant me more of it, for I do not know what I can do if I suddenly blow up!

what I miss most about home is...

2008-07-16T03:26:00.001+08:00

the rain...

and my kikay!!

I so miss showering in the rain, seeing the rain fall, and everything about rain!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
And I miss my dog, kikay! i wanna hug her and lie beside her and cuddle with her....

I think i'm gonna cry now. *sigh*

(rain photo was grabbed from my firndster ROcel, from Montreal Canada during her vacay in the region. and kikays photo was taken from my sister's friendster profile )

Latest? I hate my job. oh not the job itself but the circumstances that is happening from work. or maybe, its not my job...it is entirely my UAE stay. I just feel I don't belong here....

Droplets

2008-07-06T05:32:00.001+08:00

I
am
very
VERY
tired!!!

For almost seven months that I am here in Dubai, four months in this shop where I work and this now-seemingly-ugly-mall in my eyes, I feel like taking the next flight back home!

I am ver very tired of the people, the culture, my manager, and some pain in the ass people I come across with in this country. But there's one thing, in three (four) words, I've learned working in this country and working as person to person customer service sales associate: I don't care.

I don't care if my manager is a big damn stress, even if he spoils my happy mood in a snap! It pains me big time that he robs me of my energy from doing what he does but I began and learning not to care. I don't know if it is a good thing or what. I am starting to be numb. It aches for a minute or so, then later on, fcuk! Why should I let somebody put me down?

oh, my manager is not wicked. He is just so tactless. A motor mouth. He speaks without thinking if he is hurting some one from his not so carefully chosen words. and he is so damn hyper!!!

I told my colleague once,

I dont know what ****(name of my manger) wants. He lets us do this, say this and then he forgets and then tells us another thing completely east to west!

And she said,

Well, you know what I think? I think he, too, doesn't know what he wants.

True, maybe.

Because from the looks of it, he sometimes is irrational. And his being irrational makes it seem like the rational thing to be...in our world in those four corners of the shop.

But don't get me wrong. Even if my manager shouts at us, acts very unprofesionally towards us sometimes, scares and stress the hell out of us most of the time, he still apologize to us at the end of the day. He realize if his treatment towards us becomes too much to take. And that is a good thing. A one sincere and polite apology sometimes eases the pain he have caused someone.

Then again, the thing is, it is a cycle! I guess the saying "you cannot teach an old dog new tricks" is absolutely and ultimately true.

Oh well, thats the life I've been living here in Dubai.

Same thing to expect everyday. The only consolation is? I see cute guys come to the shop. The bonus? Seeing their rock hard bodies from the reflection of the fitting room mirror when they do not close the curtain properly. Hehehehe. Nice washboard abs some of them posses, in underwear, and the most shocking of all is when I see fully naked asses of both men and women who unabashedly (and or unknowingly) display themselves from the reflection and or those mirrors just betray them and show what they meant to hide behind those curtains. AND I guess I must admit, I feel good when I see these cute men show a little skin and tickle my fancy. hehehhe. Well, there's the voyuer in me. All out to confess.

The thing though is, really, I just am tired from all the stress. Some origin I do not know. Perhaps I just miss Home. No. Not perhaps. I do miss HOME so so much! My dog, Kikay. The rainy days. The tropical sun. Coconut trees. My lolo and lola. My grandfather's garden. The sweet smell of the earth early in the morning. The quiet afternoons. The cold nights. Night outs with friends...and the list can go on and on.

------------------------------------

My sister by the way came back last June after she left Dubai last May. She decided to come back and give birth here. But then, the woman that she is, she wanted to go back to the Philippines and give birth there instead. She's in the hospital now, since last night because she was bleeding and fearing of miscarriage (I hope God won't let that happen). I called her from work this afternoon and she decided to go back home this august and give birth there instead and raise the baby there as well. My brother in law is thinking of going home for good as well. With all these things coming all at the same time, work stress, me being alone in this seemingly unsophisticated country...I do not know what to think anymore. All I know is I feel tired and I feel soooooo very poor and alone in this strange land.

And Damn I miss the Rain sooooo much!!

and so I am back...

2008-06-03T23:36:00.000+08:00

I haven't been myself for the past few weeks. Since I started this job, which, by the way, I like, has taken much of my time. Time to pamper myself is never existent since then. I wake up, have tea or coffee, bathe by the dot, and leave to catch the bus also by the dot. then work....

Work is exciting. I see different people everyday. And it is especially exciting to see and assist goodlooking guys who come to the shop and when they try on something i couldn't help but be a perv and catch a glimpse of their shirtless (and sometimes,
"pants-less" ) bodies. *wink, wink*

But it isnt all that exciting. There's also thrill. Thrill and fear from my manager and a colleague who is greedy, most of us associates has come to agree on. My manager is a very nice and funny guy but he is a pain in the ass from time to time. I cannot say he is strict because he gives us the freedom to do what we want. But then, his rules should and MUST be followed. Like, our shoe uniform is so thick and is very inaappropriate for this ultra hot weather we have here in Dubai. The shoes is more likely a winter shoe and we have to wear them. If he doesnt see us wearing them, My God(!) what a blabber! His mouth couldn't just stop telling you this and that! Still, even if he talks so much, sometimes even hurting our feelings, we still like him. There's something special about our manager that soothes with in us...or me, personally. Its a thrill to work with him because I have to challenge myself that I can be better, that I have to do the things he likes so he would shut up. Heheheheh. And its a fearsome because just a slight mistake, Damn, bombs fall one after the other!

After work, bus waiting and there's someone I look forward seeing in the bus (and even during before work). I dont know who he is. And I never even have the guts to smile or say hi. I pretend that I dont care and that he doesn't exist everytime I see him but the truth is, I've been wanting to come up to him and say "hi" while waiting for the bus, sit beside him in the bus and start a conversation.

What to do yanni? I feel like I'm a damn woman!!! Dalagang Pilipina and drama!

SInce I dont have the gut to say hello to this guy, I just listen to my Mp3 till I reach home.

And home here is actually never a home for me.

Well, yea, I havent been myself lately. SOmeone is making me drool, I hate the damn heat (but what can I do!), my manager talks too much (but i like it), I have no time for myself (and even do friendster), I am gaining this damn wieght and....

I just simply miss the rainy days. *sigh*

one comes...

2008-04-18T20:14:00.004+08:00

Previously on EmmanNation… (etchos! hehehe)

I said I was sad during that interview where I thought I have another failure getting what I truly wanted to do for a job here in DxB. Fortunately, I was wrong.

I did get the job!!

I have started with them for almost 2 weeks now. I left my other job with the Italians in a not so easy way. Because they were very kind to me, I could not let them down. They actually did not want me to go…and so I had to lie. Sadly.

I was suppose to work with them until the end of march but I stayed for a few days more. A week, actually. And that week was not paid. It was ok though. It is hard to leave them also since they’ve been very kind to me, except with the maintenance job and the low pay, everything was great.

And, also, I have to be practical. The sales job I recently just got, is going to pay me very well. With commissions and my salary combined, it will be a great way to fill my pocket in no time. I will just have to spend what I am going to earn wisely.

I have to say I am enjoying what I am doing now. I am no expert in selling these luxury items as of yet bacause I am new but soon enough I’ll get the hang of it and do my job as it is supposed to be done. In the meantime, I and the other new sales associates are assisting senior sales associates with their jobs which is our jobs as well. It is still a part of our training and soon we'll be handling our own sales and customer’s service.

You may wonder what type of a sales job I am doing now. For security reasons, I would not be mentioning where exactly I am working and which company. But one thing, it’s all about fashion, high end fashion. That is all I can say. ;-) Who knows, I might post a picture here one day with my co-workers, and you my beloved reader will just have to be very observant if you wanna know where I actually work. * Jezz...is it obvious? I like the company where I am working now, even if there'll be a lot of competition and mean people to encounter along the way...heck (it's a sales job, most people doing sales are greedy! i hope i'll stay humble, and i promise i will be.)...i'll do what I have to do. Mean people will be everywhere in this effing world! So I just have to deal with them in my own good terms.

Well, all the best to me.

...and another goes.

I am having a hard time dealing with what is to happen. I have not yet anticipated my sister’s return to the Philippines and my brother-in-law’s pending application for a job to Qatar. I am just living busily by the day and I am not entertaining the thought of “what happens next…” when they’re all not here. But now, it just occurred to me that I will be alone here in DxB soon. I have no idea what I am going to do here alone. Of course I have a job and I am on employment/residence visa already which I just cannot throw away. The thing is, I will be lonely. Living alone, with no family and no friends here…I will be more than lonely as I am now.

congrats! congrats!

And yet another lawyer friend!

this is her happy face after she heard of the news! Really, that's a happy face!! hehehe Peace, gurl!

Congratulations to my gurl Majalia for passing the 2007 Philippines Bar exams. Results came out this month. Now I have two lawyer friends to defend me if someone mistreats me, abuse me or even rape me. hehehehe. What's best about all that, is I will get pro bono (if thats how you call it of being free of charge from these lawyers). hahahaha

Cruisin'

2008-03-26T03:24:00.001+08:00

Will update when I'm less busy.

Meanwhile, I was browsing YouTube before I sleep when I came across this video my cousin posted. Where was I when they videotaped this?? I miss out the fun!

video taken in June '07
I just love my cousins! We're a herdof crazy people. loving it that way!

...just sharing. Gudnight Dubai, Gudnight World!

I'm having second thoughts...

2008-03-11T22:28:00.003+08:00

I am SAD.

I just felt sad after I got interviewed by a very well spoken, and if not much of a deal, gay indian male and another straight indian male...well, I guess.

The job I got interviewed for was the job that I really was looking for, here, as a Sales Associate. Not that I don't like the office job I was offered by my italian employer. They are nice, really. But my concern is that, the office is very far from where I live. Waking up early is not a problem but the problem is getting there on time and going home. I mentioned in my last post that if I will not spend money for the taxi fare, which is costly, I have to take the time consuming long way of traveling just to get to work and back home. If I do that often, I do not know what's gonna happen. I will have to wake up very early, and I will sleep very late. I cannot go on like that for how long it will take. Nor can I go on with spending 120 AED for taxi fare everyday for a month! What will be left with my salary?? Debts!

The solution is to move near where I work. Problem no. 2 is, I don't wanna move there. I am just not open to that option. Where I live now, is the place I call "home" in Dubai. Now, do you know how hard it is for me to call this place "home"? It's hard...very hard because this is not what and where I have in my mind of a home. Be that as it may, this is my "home" here in Dubai, in a place called Karama. If moving is the only option that I have in order for me to stay in the job that I have now...the answer is, I don't know.... It's a so-so feeling. It's because I don't wanna move close to where I work. I don't want any other adjustment. And I don't wanna be far away from the only family I have here in Dubai, my sister. Dubai is not like the Philippines where even if you don't have any family with you, from where ever you stay in the country, you wouldn't think of being alone. We filipinos are practically -- well-- FAMILY (or kapuso for that matter)!

Problem no. 3, however. My sister will have to eventually go home any month soon. She resigned from her job because...congrats congrats(!)...she is pregnant BUT her pregnancy seems critical. She needs extra care to keep the baby. She, her husband and I don't want anything to happen to her or the baby. So, she has to go back home to the Philippines eventually to go on with her pregnancy safely. At least, there, it is stress free and -- well -- it's basically HOME.

I haven't readied my self for that although I know it is bound to happen. I don't know how will I go through living here in Dubai without a friend or a family. By friend I would mean, not a friend I JUST met here, but a friend whom I've practically known all my life. I don't have any here.

We were talking about how my sister got on with her 1st year here in Dubai. It was hard, also, for her, I know. But the difference is she have group of friends to ease her hardship, I don't. And by friends I would mean, her friends she have practically known all her life, almost considered family. That somehow lessen the burden of being, and feeling alone in this foreign, and strange, land.

I don't wanna be stuck to a job I won't be able to grow. I mean, in the job that I was offered with growth is probable. It is just starting up so it may seem I am not in the position to grow as of yet. I will have to go through hardship to grow, I know, and I shouldn't be whining like this. But being the only Filipino in the office, is just torture! I almost feel like crying everytime they talk in italian, them laughing, them seemingly enjoying what they do. Being the only filipino in the office even if I love what I am doing (that includes even the lifting of heavy boxes, cleaning the glass walls, collecting their trash, wiping their glass tables, messenger...etc etc) I just feel like a slave. Only if there is another filipino in the office then it would be a lot easier (even if it means getting there and back is still a problem). Talking and identifying myself to another kabayan is a lot lot lot heaven for me. Do you know where I am coming from? Being the only alien among other aliens?

Yesterday, when this guy called me for interview about the job I applied for 2 months ago, I was delighted! It's the job I wanted here. And besides, its just a few minutes walk from where I live, here in Dubai. I was saved, Or so I thought!

I blew off the inteview! It was a hotseat interview. I would say, it is the kind of interview that is actually I have always in my mind: formal, lots of questions, paper on hand for them to rate me, etc etc. And I blew it! I wasn't wearing what they thought I should wear, they noticed my unruly meshed up, spikey, in gel, hair (where which to me, is fine--It was like a portrayal of the yuppie look I've known). I answered them with answers they don't wanna hear like what do you see yourself three years from now? to which I answered, I think I will doing my own business. Now how rude is that? True, it is not good for the company because they want dedication and loyalty to the company. They told me, in astonished tone that, What?? Are you just going to make us your stepping stone? Well -- No. Not really.

My answer (which I did not tell them) is, Yes, it will be my stepping stone to make a small business of my own to get more profit in order to have a good comfy life. However, I would still be working for them but not as the Sales Associate that I was hired to do, but be the one sitting on their chairs interviewing future candidates: with a higher income and a sideline business = happy with the no- money-problem life! I don't know why I just didn't say that! I want to be in the recruitment industry, too. I wanted to be in Human Resource or, if not, doing my passion (which I have not established fully). Only that, the wheel of fortune is not pointing me in that direction.

I don't know. I might be stuck with the receptionist-slash-secretary-slash-messenger-slash-office boy-slash-cleaner job with little pay and -- well -- getting paid only to pay it all for my fare! Let's see....

Oh, I am not complaining about the job. I am complaining about my getting there and back. I am complaining of getting "home" late and not getting enough sleep.

People I told my situation to, have different advices. But majority said, hay naku 'h'wag ka na d'yan, abonado ka pa sa pamasahe mo! (oh my! your salary is not even enough for your fare!)

I am just being stubborn, maybe. But I cannot go on like this. How can I perform well if I lack sleep, bothered by how will I get to work and back, and especially with no money in my pocket (Not to mention, these italians I work for don't know when is lunch! Always had me starving for the past week!)

Enlighten me oh, Lord!

-----------------------------------------------------------

There was an accident this morning in Abu Dhabi - Dubai Highway near Ghantoot due to the foggy morning we have here lately. Check it if you wanna see it. If not, lets go on with our lives, as it always it is.

Welcome me to Milan Italy!

2008-03-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

Then I became busy. I finally got a job somewhere in Jumeirah Lakes, here in Dubai. I was interviewed by a very posh Italian woman in a place very far from where I reside. Getting there by taxi is costly. If I commute, the many route, stops, and the traffic gets in the way of getting there on time. And, 2 bus rides and a taxi to get to the place is a hassle. Springs 4 is what the place is called, one of the very nice residential village and where rich locals and expats reside. My sister, also used to work there in Springs until she found out she is pregnant. Because her pregnancy needs utmost care, she has to resign from her job as a therapist. But that is another story.

So, this Italian woman with exquisite beauty interviewed me in English with a very distinct Italian accent. She talks very fast and the interview was very casual. To cut everything short, she hired me. And made me start that same day. 3pm.

The job? A receptionist. The job that day? I helped Andre, designer-architect, with his storyboard he has to present to a client. What I did was, stick everything after he position all the details of a concept for the interior design of a house, which I later on learned, is for a Russian client. After that, Andre, asked me if I wanted to go and he can drop me off in a bus stop. Since there’s no transport coming to the village, unless you call taxi service, I said yes.

Andre was very nice to welcome me to the team. He speaks limited English but we somehow managed to understand each other…but it was not that easy. I, being able to speak and understand English with ease, had to speak in slow, present tense, simple English. He was very nice to show me where the building where we will be going to work…and same thing, transportation in that area is by own car or taxi or transport service. In my mind I told myself I’m dead! How will I be able to manage my finances if I have to commute everyday by taxi. Or manage my time if I take the bus where I have to wake up early but sleep very late!

Second Day of work was tough! The office was barely finished even as I speak (write this). And the receptionist – well – became a janitor. Need I say more? Since there’s nothing to do, I helped in cleaning, removing empty boxes, lifting some furniture etcetera, and I, the receptionist, became a glass wall cleaner! Yes, having few hours of sleep since the day I started, 2nd day was tough, hard and tiring. The receptionist became a janitor. But it is ok. Rather then being there and not doing anything, I have to make their money’s worth.

The 3rd day somehow was the same. Barely having enough sleep, cleaning, doing errands and all that seemed endless! It occurred to me that I am doing the office boy’s job! But since the office is not set up as of yet, I will not complain. They can let me be the office boy at the moment but the moment the office is fully operational, I will not allow it if they let me do the cleaning or errands like taking heavy stuffs from their car. I did not apply for the office boy’s job. I applied for the receptionist’s role, which, from my understanding, is to basically, receive. And other work a receptionist do is to be like a secretary, running errands is also done, but cleaning toilets (they haven’t asked me to clean the toilet though, I just clean it because I don’t want a messy bathroom if I am to use one), cleaning their office, throwing their trash, cleaning the glass walls is not a receptionists job! But how can I argue with them? They are all very nice to me! My boss and her business partner, the woman who interviewed me, and the other Italian employees they have like Andre (pronounced Andrea), are all very nice to me. They are very kind. My only concern, really, is the “cleaning” and that, I am the only Filipino in the office. When they talk in Italian, I can’t help but feel very very very inferior. So I just stay on one side unless they call me for whatever it is they want me to do.

Haaaah! Well, anyway, at least I have a job now, and the bosses are all very nice. So why should I complain? And besides, its only for now, I know. Since the company is just setting up. I will be their alalay (assistant), office boy, for the meantime but when the office is fully operational and they make me their errand boy…well… just to be practical…they have to charge me for that extra service, right?

Today’s my day off, and Saturdays should also be my day off. However, my boss requested me to come to office to man the workers who are going to be there to finish the flooring and everything. And yes, I keep the keys of the office…janitor!

And I think I also have to learn Italian someday so I could at least mingle with them properly.

Non credete? Sì, ho bisogno di imparare a parlare italiano!

this will be my spot right there as a Receptionist (cum office boy!!!), not done yet

the view from my spot. unfurnished offices as of yet

I'm missing Home

2008-02-18T18:46:00.003+08:00

Bad hangover!!! BAD HANGOVER!!!

Many times I've sworn that I am not gonna drink liquor but when it's there served...the sight of it overpowers me. This seem like I'm alcoholic and maybe I am an alcoholic. But hey, if say I am not, I maybe charged as "in denial" since most people with addiction problems tend to deny their addiction. For once, I denied that I am addicted to nicotine. I always say I can stop smoking if I want to,that its not a problem quitting. But it is!! Quitting isn't as easy as I thought it would. However if you're determined to stop smoking, then it wouldn't be a problem.

Well, I am not an addict. That's all I have to say. Just for good times...good times...but a bad case of a hangover here, folks!!! Damn!

Anyway, I haven't been writing my thoughts for a while since my mind is always occupied with finding a job and everything. There's just no room for "other" thoughts about "other" stuffs so to speak. I am beginning to dislike it here in Dubai! But what can I do, I am already here I might as well embrace being here.

Its a common scenario here in Dubai where expats on visit visas exit/transit to another country to renew their visit visas or have their visa changed to either employment or what else's. I just got back from Oman on Valentines Day. I stayed there for three days. That's where I exited to renew my visa for another 2 months. While there, I've met several people with visa problems (staying there for a week or so), with stories about how is life here in Dubai all the good and the bad. Hearing their own tales makes me feel at least lucky in some sort of way. Or maybe, its too early to tell. I haven't even started my own Dubai Life as of yet. But -- I still feel lucky. I just feel it, you know? I have no evidence of me being lucky but I just feel it.

The good thing is, even if they're all having their own visa miseries and hard life in Dubai, they can still manage to laugh and enjoy every minute of the day. While I, try to enjoy myself as well even if I don't feel happy here in Dubai anymore.

I have told my sister that if luck doesn't come my way after my visa expires, I am going home.

with people I don't really know, in Oman

CLUMSY by FHM Productions 1st Ateneo (AdNu) Music Awards

2008-01-27T22:04:00.001+08:00

Sorry, for not updating...I've been actually busy thinking about some stuffs here in DUBAI!!!! I will update my usual way when I have more time..and that will hopefully be soon.

Meanwhile, please watch the video I Posted below, and if you like it, kindly repost it in your blog or friendster or just tell friends about it to get more hits. This is a school project of a friend back in the philippines. More views means more grade and an award will be given to the most rated and most commented video (percentage of votes counts) for the very first Ateneo (adNu) Music Video Awards (we dont have that kind of gimmicks during my term!!! how come????). Well, the "MTV" inspired project is very funny...and sooo gay! watch it, you'll see what I am talking about! thanks!!!

Update: 1st Ateneo Digital Music Video Awards

Wow! if you have access to YouTube (for some areas don't) search for First ateneo digital. These are amateur MTV videos made and produced by Digital Animation students of Ateneo de Naga University. I don't know anything about making videos but man(!), these videos are great! Watch all 10 videos (eclipse digital not included) and rate which project should receive the very first ATENEO DIGITAL MUSIC AWARDS!! Wow, I am happy, fellow Ateneans...great skills, and world class talents (well..aside from us being intelligent...hehehe yak yabang ko...heheheeh! Sorry naman! Proud to be Atenean! afterall blue eagles din kami!! weeeheeee!!! Go ATENEO! and GOODLUCK to all of you guys! may the best video win!

oh here are my top favorites among the entries:

1.) CLUMSY by FHM Productions (i know bias ako, my vote goes to Lovely's group of course!! hehehe) funny video, Lovely! Why is everyone seemed to be gay these days??? Are we dominating the world????)

2.) This guy's in love with you pare by Jay.exe ( This one hilarious, too! Loved the video! i just like it, them fooling around, it was fun to watch! again,Why is everyone seemed to be gay these days??? Are we dominating the world????)

3.) Overdrive by: DriveThru (this video is smoothly done! Literally interpreted, but i like it anyway. theres something about it that made me watch it again. oh, i like the animation, very nice!)

4.)broken performed by silhouette (this is like an ad i see on TV...i just dont know what they are called exactly, yun bang ginagawa nila na interpretation ng isang scene o kya naman mga tribute videos...you know what i mean? this one touched me. that's why I liked it)

5.) Alpha Beta Omega - Anti-Social Club (i like the theme! guy and the philippine flag...nice! but i actually didnt get what it wants to say...)

6.) EVIDENCE by Shattered Production (to The boyfriend, MAN! all she wanted was a white rose? read: american white roses, not that sloppy, cheaply arranged white rose you probably picked somewhere, but i felt your pain dude! this video, too, just proves that no.1 do not text while walking; no. 2 girls aren't assets but liabilities! well, only those girls who like to be always in the scene; and no. 3 men are just like gays: they spend so much for a girl to like them. tatanga tanga din minsan!! hehehe)

...and just worth my mention, this one's funny! I mean, kulang sa emote, very "boybandish" video. So back to the future and style...errr...I meant, so 90's. In other woeds, baduy! hehehe(opinion lang po ) Instead of getting carried away by the music and the song, Man(!) I am laughing because of the pa-emote emote na drama. Kailangang mag workshop, guys. hehehe. but trying to bring out the best in all of you is a good one, di lang sana kami ma "i'll be over you"r video later on. but we'll not be over with the funny emos.

I'll Be Over You by Hit n Run

...well...grab a popcorn and enjoy the rest of the show!

CLUMSY by FHM Productions

2008-01-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

Sorry, for not updating...I've been actually busy thinking about some stuffs here in DUBAI!!!! I will update my usual way when I have more time..and that will hopefully be soon.

Meanwhile, please watch the video I Posted below, and if you like it, kindly repost it in your blog or friendster or just tell friends about it to get more hits. This is a school project of a friend back in the philippines, more views means more grade and an award. Well, the "MTV" inspired project is very funny...and sooo gay! watch it, you'll see what I am talking about! thanks!!!

Understanding, (Rejection) and Acceptance

2008-01-08T04:08:00.000+08:00

My friend Swordfish has written something which definitely stirred my senses. I have never thought of “new year’s resolution” in a way he has thought. See, every year we make resolutions which later would not be altogether realized, well, for the most part. I say that because I myself has not, for so many new years time, hold on to a certain promise for the year to take part. But Swordfish took a leap in describing New Year’s resolution as a blank sheet of paper given to us every start of the year.

A fresh start. A life renewed (even if nothing actually changed).

Start clean, and so we try again.

As we always do, we keep on trying correcting our mistakes, or sometimes leave that mistake behind and forget about it. But as the year progresses, we then realize that at the end of the year, what we promised not to do, or at least changed, has been done…AGAIN. Why? The answer maybe lies on the saying that habits are hard to break!

And so, with Swordfish’s insights on new year’s resolution…I’d like to think that this 2008, a new sheet of oslo paper way longer than the regular size is set upon me to draw a beautiful, more meaningful and productive life. Not just blots of abstract designs, but a fine work like Michaelangelo or Da Vinci's. The thing is, what we always retained in our lives as we are so damn stubborn to break away from them will be the new, ironically still the same resolution…and this time with the "conviction" to be true to the promise.Pish!

Looking back, 2007 was never my year…the same as my 2005 when all I thought I was going the path to greatness then comes a sudden blow of fate that change my life entirely. 2006 was a year to deeply ponder on my thoughts, that’s why I have kept this blog. However, I enjoyed blogging so much that I apparently disregarded my original reason as to why I am keeping a “memoir” of these thoughts in my brain.

I tell you. My life has never been easy. People who knew me as well as those who barely know me think my life is so damn grand! I am sorry to deceive them for them to think that my life has no flaws. As a matter of fact, my life…is full of flaws, or let me say, broken.

I am 27 years old with no definite plan about my future. I had, once. In so far as I can remember, my life plans were simple: a job, an apartment, good people around me, save, travel, and retire in the place where I grew up with a house of my own with a pool and a beautiful garden. I guess, unconsciously, I wasted my life after someone almost disfigured everything. At that point in my life, I thought I was ok. I am going to be ok. But I guess I have not.

However, thanks to friends who have made my sorrow an easy burden. Rather than I sulk in a clinical case of depression, I made a best time of life…

…and later on discovered that I am truly, in deep awe.

Yes, I am afraid. Afraid of the changes that took place. I have feared life, the life in between the mortal and the divine (if you get what I mean). . . I was having defenses. I was also afraid of leaving people behind. Of dying when all I thought I have accepted that fear. Basically, I am just afraid of change. I got so used to everything trouble-free. I later realized ultimately that changes are meant to happen. I mean, yes, I knew “there’s nothing constant in this world but change” but I denied that fact, or at least made it not happen in my life.

Life has a way of surprising you. It is up to you how you will handle that surprise. In my case, I wasn’t able to manage those surprises. Of trying to think everything was still the same I acted as if nothings changed, when in fact, I am not the same person physically, mentally, and emotionally. Simply put, my developmental stage has gone up to adulthood whereas all the while I still think of my self as a teenager.

So this time with a new sheet of clean white oslo paper longer than the original size in front of me…I will write UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT on the center in bold letters.

Before I draw a beautiful, more meaningful and productive life, I have to face life’s fears. And on this context, my life’s own fears. Then and again, I cannot promise that I will be ale to completely do away with all my fears but this time, at least try to understand and accept why some things just have to happen and not dwell on asking silently why this has happened (which later on concludes to defense mechanisms that life will be ok, when the truth is, life is never going to be ok….).

The truth is, yes, life is never going to be ok, but life in itself is ok. It’s how we handle the joys and the pain of living that so called life. That life…which I wrongfully managed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love life! As a matter of fact I love living even with enormous amounts of pain. And I always ask God in my prayers to give me long life, and good health because I just so love life. No matter how seemingly filled with sorrow life can be, I still love it. Now that I’ve mentioned health, apparently its not gonna happen. I’ve wasted my life in my later teenage years until now. But I believe, and I have faith that my life will be ok…and that no mater how painful life can be…I wanna live longer and see how everything unfolds. But then again, its all up to GOD. Mine is just a request in his reverence. This time, no defenses. I will live it as it is. And handle it with understanding, (rejection) and acceptance. Its all true.

Bring it on, 2008!

2008-01-01T06:27:00.000+08:00

Well... just wanna wish everyone a very HAPPY NEW YEAR. I am holding on. Trying and wishing to be happy...for a happy 2008 and the rest of it. I will blog properly when I can. I just got no time to sit and ponder on stuffs lately because I really do miss home. YEA YEAH! I sound like a broken record! I said that for the nth time.

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

...

2007-12-30T05:03:00.000+08:00

I know the year is about to end and I should be with happy thoughts and memories. But I cant help it. I feel so terribly lonely every night since I got here in Dubai. During day time, everything seems normal. I dont think of anything. But when night time comes I couldn't help but be teary eyed most of the time for no particular reason. For sure, its all about missing home and the "friendships" I left there.

anyway, just updating, diary style. I just needed to take this loneliness out of my system. Now...I am crying as I type. No more tears on the brim of my eyes. They're free flowing now! Funny thing is, the music playing on my headset is "I think She knows" by Justin Timberlake.

UAE RoadTrip

2007-12-27T04:12:00.000+08:00

Before Christmas, during the Muslim Holiday Eid Muberak (I dont know if I got the spelling right) we went on to a road trip going to Abu Dhabi with the "housemates" here in Karama. We spent the night in Abu Dhabi at my sister and her husband's ninang. The next day we drove up all the way to Fujeirah (from Abu Dhabi) which was a long long ride! Here are the pics...with no captions. I'll try to put captions on this slide.

A very Lonely Christmas

2007-12-26T04:45:00.001+08:00

I never felt so poor in my entire life but now...Now that I am in Dubai, with nothing but my sister to hold on to. However could not hold on to much because she has a life of her own the moment she left home. So, I feel so much all alone now. All alone that tears cannot just fall. My chest just keep pounding because of this terrible loneliness I feel. I hate it because tears just wont fall, even if I allow them to. I am striving, I am fighting...the indifference I keep on feeling everytime I get out of this shoebox. But to fall apart is not the option right now.

I really do not feel secure in this place. I do not have friends, yet. I miss everyone and everything back home. oh, God give me strength!

Dubai Moments

2007-12-17T03:06:00.000+08:00

Two nights in Dubai….

On the first night, a tear fell when I sat on the stairs outside the pad and watched the cars pass by. I was lonely. Tears are on the brim of my eyes and if I continued to sulk and feel the mellow night in this foreign land, they may have fallen in buckets…with deep sobs and enormous sighs. I miss home. I miss Sta. Lucia. I miss Nabua.

I especially miss the familiar faces I almost always come across with even if there was no relationship entwined. Here in Dubai, perhaps the population of Filipinos dominated the second largest residents who are the Indians and the Pakistans. But the Filipino faces I see here since I got here are not like the hospitable, smiling and friendly faces I see back home. Perhaps because this is a foreign country the Filipino aura has changed together with this country as this is a lot different from the Philippines in terms of culture and behavior.

Dubai sure is clean compared back home. I am lucky I got here on a pretty weather: chilly during the early morning and late in the afternoons up to the starless but brightly lit night. My sister told me, when it’s not winter, the heat can almost burn your skin making it seemingly impossible to walk to work or just stroll by the area. As I write this now, I am covered with thick comforter from head to feet because I feel terribly cold as if my body’s getting numb almost impossible to move them. Well, that’s not because the temperature here fell below zero celcius but because the air conditioning is so high that I feel like as if I am inside a freezer! I cannot lower the temperature because the AC is being shared with the other occupants in this small room partitioned in half resembling a shoebox room. Nevertheless, the climate outside this midnight is still a little cool that if I stay long enough without a sweatshirt on, I might chill.

But it’s not the weather that’s bothering me or making me miss home. It’s the people. Or maybe I am not still used to seeing scary looking Pakistans, or funny sounding Indians and sophisticated Arabs much more that the Filipinos here has transformed into different beings. I cannot put into words how am I going to describe my observation of my fellow countrymen. They’re just different. I don’t feel the warmth, the hospitality and the politeness they [do] usually bestow when in our own home country. Maybe because they have to blend in with the culture.

I also miss my spacious room, which I appreciate, now that I am in a very small room together with my sister and her husband. I grew up very rich in terms of space: surroundings, leniency, open culture and all that. Here, I feel like as if I am totally barred of everything! Sure this is an open city but still there are do’s and don’ts that I have to keep in mind every time I’m outside this shoebox. Like, I have to be extra cautious with my gestures for they might be offensive in this muslim country. Even I haven’t ride the bus as of yet, I was told the ladies regardless of what nationality is separated from the male commuters. And that they always comes first priority. That, I have no qualms since females should be given that respect even if it’s not much. Yet the thought that you cannot mingle with the females, even if the intention of harassing them is no where in my vocabulary, while traveling whether on a short distance or not, is absurd. But that’s their law. At first I was also weirded out when I saw for the very first time the ladies all covered in black gowns where the eyes could only be seen. At Bahrain International Airport, I got a little scared that I literally kept my distance from them. I was like a child who saw a scary creature opposed from the “white lady” the Filipino folklore has. Who wouldn’t be? They look really scary with their outfits all dressed in cotton-silk black overalls wherein their deep dark eyes, hands and shoes are the only ones being seen. I cannot help but wonder what they’re missing. They cannot flaunt their signature D&G’s, CKs, Zara’s, etcs. They cannot show their beautiful figures and their sophisticated faces (there are few of them who show their faces though). They cannot sport their fashion enthusiasm of mix and matching designer or non designer clothes. And this observation comes with the males as well, all dressed in white overalls with a whatever-that-thing-they-put-on-their-heads are called. Like yesterday, as we stopped for the red light exiting Al Karamah, there’s this cute and hot looking young Arabian driving a hot car with his hood/veil and black rings on his head dressed in his white gown who stopped beside my brother-in-law’s chevvy. Maybe he caught a glimpse of me unconsciously gazing through his lightly tinted window (but I wasn’t actually looking at him at all, but the view beyond), my sister motioned me to look at him since he abruptly took off his veil and put on a very expensive black baseball cap, which by the way, made him even look cuter as his skin tone and briskly shaven jaws appeared in light…my knees wobbled when I saw him transform to a modern man showing his intense but gentle facial features. My sister said he smiled when he caught his gaze on us. That, among other simple observation from these young Arabians in terms of how they dress up is just whether or not they’re obeying the culture they have grown up to or is afraid to fully dress up the way we democrats sport our fashion, amazes me. I also saw funny looking females in their black gowns faces covered but wearing green sneakers, and platform shoes popularized by “japayuki” entertainers. Their gown looks best with slippers and sandals by the way. I cannot help but wonder what’s underneath those gowns. I mean, what clothes do they wear underneath those black cotton-silk or white gowns. However conventional it is, most of them look elegant the way they wear it.

You see, those queries as to how can they be fashionable in those identical looking gowns they wear were answered when I went to the Bur Juman mall this afternoon, where the rich people in Dubai shop. There were several signatured gowns, worn by mannequins in several expensive and delicately interiored boutique shops, which are accented with silver and gold or with thin tassles dangling from the covers around the face, or that the gowns were sewed in complicated stitches that added extra elegance from the normal black “sayos” they wear. They put style and personalized their “costumes”.

Anyway, the overall reason why I am writing this post is because I miss home, update my friends and my readers where I am now and what I have been feeling for the past few days. I am also writing for the reason that, how funny it seems, for 3 days that I was here I observed pretty much the difference this country has among the other countries I have known from books and stories as well as how Filipinos interact with the nationals and other expats holding residency in this country.

1. Fellow Filipinos call each other “kabayan”. Like while walking home this Filipino guy asked for directions and he said “kabayan, san ba yung, Burjuman Mall”. You could hear these “kabayan” more often in malls when Filipinos who don’t know each other ask about something. Like at Starbucks in Bur Juman, this Filipino barista greeted me with “kabayan, ano sa’yo?” I mean, I could be a thailander or a malaysian…you know. Hehehe
2. Filipinos has a codename for Pakistans as “patans”. Indians as “indianos” or most common as "pana" (you know why? yes...you are a filipino if you know why!). I am not sure though if this nationals know they're are being called like that.
3. What’s funny is that, storekeepers of different nationality are being addressed as “my friend” by Filipinos. I couldn’t help but laugh silently because I call my grandpa’s goat “my friend”. It makes me miss my friend, the goat.
4. There are Muslims who sells Christian paraphernalias like crucifixes, rosaries, bibles and Christian books, etc. now isn’t that against their belief?
5. Catholic church here in Dubai holds masses in different languages simultaneously at times. Inside the church, the mass is celebrated in Arabic language and in some areas within the church vicinity is celebrated in Filipino and in Indian language. So there’s a lot of people during catholic mass celebrations.
6. What’s amazing is that, although just a few, there are Arabians who are Catholics!
7. You cannot take a picture of the mosque! I am dying to have my photo taken with the beautiful huge mosques around here! But I could get arrested if I do that, sadly.
8. You should not stare at the black wearing gown ladies nor look at them in the eye. I don’t know why. You cannot even take a picture of them. So when you’re dying to observe them like I am dying to have a picture taken with them, make sure you do it unnoticeable.
9. There are a lot of cars here! Taxis are expensive cars. The ones I’ve seen are Toyota Altis and Mitsubishi Lancers. In the Philippines, these cars are already a luxury.
10. Luxury cars like Chevrolet, Peugeot, Ferrari, Mercedes Benz, etc are very common here. Even Filipinos own cars like that here. In the Philippines only the rich people can have them.
11. Public transportation is by bus, big clean buses unlike in the Philippines where buses are…well…no need to mention. And taxis, with expensive per meter charge.
12. Since a lot of the residents here own a car or two, buses don’t fill up unless rush hours and they pass by the hour.
13. Car windows here are lightly tinted or no tint at all. It is against the law. Only the Arabs can own dark tinted cars
14. There’s a toll system here where a vehicle owner purchase a sticker card where they have to stick to their front window and is digital. Amazing how they just have to reload it with credits and when the pass through a toll gate, they don’t need to slow down. The sensor above automatically credits the card sticker on the car.
15. Driving 80km/ph is already over speeding in the Philippines. Here, they drive very fast. Pedestrians make it impossible to cross lanes!
16. Car speed is traced by radars overhead the highways.
17. Roads are very wide. Up to 4 lanes in a single direction.
18. Even lanes are wide, since a lot of them own a car or two, traffic is very heavy during their work days! Traffic is systematized though. I mean, not like in the Philippines especially in Manila where if stuck in traffic you don’t understand why cars are slanted, vertical, horizontal in position in a single direction lane.
19. Since this is a city built in a desert, I understand now why it is hot here after winter season. They lack trees and every thing is bricked or cemented!
20. Streets and highways are brightly lit everywhere making it impossible see stars at night!
21. Most residential buildings are 4-5 stories high.
22. Rents are expensive.
23. There are ongoing building costructions everywhere. Tall tall buildings.
24. It is a common misconception that Arabs smell ugly. Arabs do smell great and they’re handsome. Those who smell rather weird are mostly Pakistans and some Indians but not all of them. There are nice smelling Pakistanis and Indians, good looking too!
25. Starting salary is…well…low for overseas workers, which starts at 2,500 – 2,800 dirhams. But if you get paid like that in the Philippines its already heaven!
26. Most of the shops here are closed during 1pm and re-opens at 4pm. I was told, 1-4pm, they are worshipping.
27. I was told there is a lot of holidays here!
28. Since this is an Muslim country, I was shocked to find out I will not be able to open several sites I often visit in the Philippines. I completely understand that QueerClick, Waybig, and all other porn blogs can be blocked but guys4men and NathanExposed? C’mon! So I will not be able to read you Nathan for the indefinite time that I am in this country.
29. I saw males hugging and holding hands while walking. I am not sure what race they were but, wow! I was so amazed. They look sweet.
30. I was told that in Sharjah, people are rather different from the nationals in this city. Some were perverted that they masturbate in one darkly lit nook or even somewhere wandering eyes can see them. Weird!!!

Anyway….

I just miss home soo much. I’ll be missing Simbang Gabi and Christmas Noche Buena!! I am soo sad!

she said what's on my mind for the past few weeks

2007-12-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

A tear fell when I read this:

If only life was easy as baking a ready-to-bake cake! The hardest thing in life is letting go. Specially, when you have invested so much of yourself in it. When we weave dreams, little do we know how much it would hurt if the dreams were to be torn apart.

i am not bitter with life. In fact, i still find myself smiling, cracking inane jokes. It is when i lay down to sleep that i visit the place inside where confusion reigns. i am so undecided about what i want – stay or move on. Either way, i will lose a part of my life. i had made a choice a year back and i feel i should stick to it come what may. But a part of me tells me it is not worth it while another part feels i would be letting down so many people. Selfish as i am, my steps falter as i plan to open a new door to another life. The choice is mine to make and i am numb. This i know for sure - i will survive, with or without love. And i know i will learn to trust again. If only i can take the first step…..

...because I share the same concern about what she said.... at least I know now, I am not alone.

continue reading A Gypsy in Search of Life... with her Love Sucks post

Friend's to Miss

2007-12-10T16:27:00.000+08:00

More pictures at OneLeg Walking (EmmaNation) Album

in motion

2007-12-07T18:34:00.000+08:00

The Philippines and I am Filipino

2007-12-07T18:19:00.000+08:00

Reasons why I don’t like the Philippines, and being Filipino:

1. First of all, the government sucks. My observation is that people are making it a trend to disagree with the leader as one wrong move a leader does; they want him/her to resign the position.
2. I have no tangible evidence but everybody knows most officials are corrupt and steal from the people.
3. All officials are getting richer by the hour and majority of the people are getting poorer.
4. Service for the people seems to have a different meaning from what I understand it to be. Like the monks who devote themselves to prayer and obedience and serve God where they leave everything behind: wealth and earthly pleasures, and only serve God through which they are spiritually enlightened. To me service for the people is to be selfless and aim to make every Filipino citizen at a better state of life and living and these service men (politicians) be fulfilled with the ultimate reason why they opted to serve the people. But what is happening is they are robbing people instead of serving them. And they are being fulfilled with their own evil desires.
5. Officials disagree on almost everything. They’re opposing ideas and conviction that they are all right is putting the country way way down.
6. Incidence of political killings, robbery, kidnapping everywhere.
7. Education is poor. Education is not available to every Filipino citizen for so many reasons: military hostilities in some areas, poverty, lack of teachers, and poor education of some teachers.
8. Isolated cases of discrimination of classes.
9. Isolated cases of kids having sex. Kids can sell drugs. Only in the Philippines can a ten year old or even below buy cigarettes or even smoke a cigarette.
10. Jobs are limited. Salary is low. You won’t get rich with paycheck after paycheck.
11. Traffic = pollution especially in Metro Manila.
12. People neglect nature. Pollution, trash everywhere seems to be a pretty sight to some people.
13. …Or they are just lazy to clean and have it green? Or that they perceive the Philippines as a big trash can? Or a dump site?
14. The Philippines has plenty of resources that can make the country rich but I guess our leaders don’t realize that. They are busy stealing, debating, and silently terrorizing the people.
15. Filipinos do not have a distinct cultural identity, which I believe somehow create chaos. --- But….
16. I feel that there is a “conspiracy theory” going on in the government.
17. Historical places are vanishing.
18. As well as Filipinos migrating.

But the Philippines is my home country and I am Filipino, only less proud because of that. However there are many reasons, too, why I love the Philippines, and being Filipino.

1. The Philippines have plenty of resources.
2. The people are resourceful, hospitable and always have solutions to every dilemma.
3. Filipinos do not have a distinct cultural identity which makes it beautiful, I mean the Filipino race. We embrace different culture which I think is good however diverse. Madiskarte tayong mga pinoy eh. Kaya natin lahat! Wala nyan sa states”
4. The Philippines is a perfect example of Nature.
5. Beautiful people live in the Philippines.
6. Because the Filipino people are resourceful and “madiskarte”, they’re slowly conquering the international scene.
7. Talented people. But then again – the government don’t realize that. They are busy stealing, debating, and silently terrorizing the people.
8. Intelligent people. But then again – the government don’t realize that. They are busy stealing, debating, and silently terrorizing the people. And the only intelligent people would be them and no one else.
9. The temperature and the weather is great!
10. Overall, the Philippines is a beautiful country in terms of natural resources, and its indistinct culture.

I couldn’t think of more reasons why I love the Philippines and of being Filipino. But don’t get me wrong, I am a proud (only less because of some certainties) Filipino no matter how ugly the Philippines or the Filipino race is being perceived internationally. In my heart I know why I love it here and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I just hope there would be change, a beautiful change to match this naturally beautiful country, which I so much love, with its beautiful people.

A favor I ask to every Filipino all over the world (even if it is impossible to happen), please stop pulling each other down. Lets us unite, discuss our ideas and not debate on them, give way, stop hostility and let us live in harmony. Afterall, we are all beautiful people, born and is living as one in one country that we all own.

Beautiful Girls

2007-12-06T21:32:00.000+08:00

It is such a bore not having friends in the neighborhood! There were nights…cold lonely nights like this when I needed some friendly comfort. The need to hang out with someone without going that far and the need to have someone to talk with and have a few laughs is much needed in times like this. But sadly, I don’t have anyone near to just pick up the phone and call. My long time friends are far away. My friends in town live several blocks away which is a long walk from here. I have no choice but to sulk in this corner of the house and write this to get this lonesomeness over and done with! Damn I am yearning for some company right now for I am not sure how long will I have to be far away from home!

I miss my girls.

The photo above was taken sometime in 1997 during our semestral break; graduated from highschool, fresh from college.

Looking at the picture, our looks have changed a lot I can’t believe it. Should I say we got even prettier since then? Apparently, my friend AnnaLeah is disgusted with our old photographs that she disagree that I post some of it. But its fine fro me really. Even if back then, we thought we already look fabulous but as this picture shows, it isn’t just so. I think it is a good sign that we are changing – for the better.

I miss my girls. I miss the days when we were housed in one roof and there would be no trouble of missing anyone but instead, get irritated seeing ones faces that we have to get out of the scene for minute to disfigure the ugly faces we all got used to. *grin*

Anyway, let me share the differences of our appearance through these following pictures from the looks that we have before (refer from the photo above is you may):

	Bek always the boyish type...but sporting a sorta Avril Lavigne get up with her own style.
	AnnaLeah ...getting richer. She's the only one who owns her own house among us. :-)

... and AnnaLeah somehow resemble Paula Abdul in this photograph


	Lorean ...the sexy Lawyer. From "ugly duckling" to a posh lawyer. hehehehehe Sorry Lorean. ;-) You're pretty, we all know that!
	Janis ...has found a new love.
	Kristine ...happily married with a child

EmmaNation

2007-12-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

Today’s post is actually about Me, as it always has been in this obviously narcissistic blog few of my readers think. Ahhh readers…I am not even sure if there are readers but anyway, I just wanted to say something about myself.

Most blogs I came across with introduce themselves in ways they desired. Some are very imaginative and artistic, some very casual, some even tried to capture the never ending theme who am I? in their innovative ways, while some wrote just facts or this 100 things you should know about me kind of way, or a combination of everything.

Well I’d like to do the same thing they did since I never actually introduced myself formally. I started this blog because I was lonely and depressed some two years ago and wrote about the most unfortunate event that almost took my life. I casually mentioned in later posts that I am…well…a proud homosexual. Oh not that I am flaunting it in every avenues where I’ve been that I am a super gay or something like I am painting the town red (or pink for that matter) because I am gay! No, not that. I am just, lets say, being who I am. Was and will always be, Gay.

But that’s not all that in this was and will always be gay me. I do not know exactly how I will introduce myself in this post but let me try to incorporate essential details about myself in all possible ways of introduction.

Let me start with thy name. They say, in the world wide web, never mention your name. You can but at least not the whole of your given name. Suggestions of getting a screen name go as far as making the name of your pet and the street you were on be your screen name. So of I am going to follow that, I could either be Charlotte Lucia, Felix Lucia, Tiger Lucia, Batik Lucia, Scoobie Lucia, My friend Lucia, or Doggie Lucia. Now that doesn’t sound human for me. For the record, I am j3 if in the web but there is no harm if I say my given name. It’s Emman. For my last name, ok, let’s take the street I am on, therefore, my name is Emman Lucia.

My header, EmmaNation, would suggest I am all into me, which doesn’t sound very right. On the sidebar I mentioned why EmmaNation… which reminds me … my good friend Janis jokingly told me once I should’ve had “Emmancipation” as my title header instead since I should’ve long been emancipated in this house. I am still living with my parents, poor me. In a few weeks time I will be emancipated, that is in the bondage of my parents. And hopefully live my life independently. Even if it scares me a whole lot!

It is hard to think of things to say about myself. Words are there but putting them all together is the hardest part. Self assessment is also a hard part for what I may be today may not be me tomorrow. It’s ever changing. Instead, let me just say something what comes to mind and be as coherent as possible.

Few days ago, I was reading my favorite blogs. I came across the Alphabet Tag Ika posted which is quite interesting so I am going to copy that in order for me to breeze on some details about myself, aid me in sharing what I think about myself, and just simply mentioning the basics. Here goes:

A - Age: as of today, I am 27.

B - Bands I'm Listening To Right Now: none in particular. Everyday I just turn the radio on or play WinAmp in my laptop and jack it to the component. I play random songs from Justin Timberlake, to Jojo, to Rihanna, Sean Kingston, Dishwalla, MYMP, Rascall Flats, Nina, Nina Sky, Greenday, Beyonce, Robbie Williams, Ben Benassi, Sponge Cola, Calla Lily, 6 Cycle Mind and the list goes on and on and it plays for hours even if I am watching TV.

C - Career: I was a Call Center Agent. Now, unemployed for more than 2 years due to circumstances and health failing.

D - Drink or Smoke: I drink. I smoke, but I am supposedly not allowed to smoke anymore for health reasons. It is forbidden. I know, I know…I’m getting there. Quitting doesn’t happen overnight. But as of November 31 I haven’t smoked a single stick…hurraaaayyy!!

E - Easiest (Friends) To Talk To: I’m not much of a talker, only when I’m drunk that I get to talk even to a complete stranger so easily. I have to share this; I have this shirt that says “Thinking usually gets me in trouble” ( i am wearing it now) which somehow voice out one aspect of yours truly. I am a thinker and when I think I talk it and people get offended at some point. Perhaps the way I deliver what I have thought is offensive or just that I am naturally offensive, I don’t know. So I’d rather keep what I am thinking, and my mouth shut. BUT – I miss you Janis, I miss you Bek, I miss you Carmen and I miss you Kristine, you guys are the people who understand every crazy detail I speak of!

F - First Crush: even if I say the name no one would know who that person is. But this detail is too teeny bopper. I’m over this stage in my life. I want to be truly in love.

G - Gadgets: I love Gadgets! What I own? Just a few….

H - Hobbies: I used to spend long hours in front of the computer and surf the internet or sometimes just browse what’s in the computer but all that has changed. I get spasms when I spend more than an hour in front of a computer. As a result, I have to find ways to entertain myself. I love to walk. I love to randomly stare at people without them knowing I am staring/observing them. I like power stretching and getting interested in Yoga. And like everyone else, I listen to good music, read good books, and try as much to be a merry person even if the loneliness almost always radiates from my personality.

I - In love: I guess, but reciprocated? Nah... I have a lot of love in me, and when I love that someone I just say it so even if they don’t say it back.

J- Junk Food You Like: I am avoiding junk foods as much as possible because of my poor health. When the desire to indulge in this evil kicks in, I like Piattos, Chippy (RED), Nachos, Nova, Pringles Sour Cream and Onion

K - Kids: I am not sure if I want kids of my own, but I’m not closing my doors. There was one time I heard my neighbor’s son calling “Dad, Dad where are you?” in the sweetest, most innocent tone I have ever heard. A tinge in my heart pierced me through that how I wish someday a little Emman would call me that way too. It was just so sweet!

L - Longest Ride Ever: From here (Nabua) to Olongapo

M - My Perfect Nightout: lying on a couch with my lover watching TV or a movie. I know, I am a hopeless romantic. Oh oh! A night out! Well, I don’t have anything in mind. As long as I’m with the people I love, and like, is already perfect for me or a picnic by the beach at night or just lay down on the grass staring at the night sky sounds perfect.

N - Names For Your Future Kids: never thought about it, but months like July, June, November and all that is cute.

O - One Wish You Have Now: I lighted many wish candles at church for this: Good health and long life (80 years and over). They’re one, and inseparable.

P - Phobias: I am necrophobic. But I am not necessarily afraid of dead bodies. I thought I have overcome the fear of death but it seems I have not. I am afraid of dying. I also am afraid of diseases especially life threatening diseases!!!

Q - Favorite Quote: "what you have become is a result of what you have thought." - Buddha

R - Reasons To Smile: I barely smile. When I see familiar faces, people I know I greet them with a smile. I am never a snob. Lately, Pokwang makes me smile, she makes me laugh. “Do you know me” Roderick Paulate is hilarious when he delivers that line. I don’t exactly know what makes me just smile. You know, that moment when you’re alone and you just thought of something and then you smile? I haven’t done that in a long time. I guess there is nothing to make me ultimately smile like that as of now.
On the other hand, I’d like to quote “it’s when I smile that I was able to hide every damn pain I have inside. But it’s also when I smile that I have created the biggest and most hurtful lie.”

S - Sleeping Time: differs. But once I wake up regardless of the time I wake up or how long I slept (usually minimum of 5 hours), I don’t take naps or second rounds of sleep.

T - TV Channels: no particular preference of any channels

U - Unknown Fact About You: hypochondriac and psychosomatic. I over think too much!

V - Vegetable You Hate: none, my diet mostly contains vegetables and fish meat. I am trying to be a vegetarian at most.
W - Worst Habit (vice): I used to smoke excessively. And watch porn too much. :-)
X - X-rays You’ve Had: chest, neck, left leg several times

Y - Yummy Foods: I am a sucker for pork adobo before (yum yum!) but I have to restrain myself from that tastiest Filipino dish, again, due to health reasons! Damn health! Alternatively, I go gaga for Green Salads.

Z - Zodiac Sign: Leo

The ABC’s still does not say who I really am, at all but lets have it at that. Tomorrow is another day and I may change. Particularly saying that I am this and that will be apparently irrelevant by then.

But the 20 things that will describe me as me (to the best of my knowledge):

1. I hate it when someone sends me a text message with exclamation marks after each sentence, not just one but two or more even if the thought of the sentence would only best be ended with a period. It makes me think they are shouting, angry and outraged! Note: exclamation in the end, I am outraged by messages like that in return.
2. I am a dog lover, animal lover to be exact, except snakes. They scare me.
3. I love trees. But I am no hippie making love to a tree.
4. I am very particular with pseudo signs, or let me say, for example, when I check the time and it says 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55 or the military time equivalent, it makes me think it means something. Also, when I see posts in neighboring houses that are aligned, or anything that files up, wherein they are not intended to be aligned like that, they just happen to be aligned, makes me think it means something. Crazy. I know.
5. As much as possible I don’t want to travel or go anywhere when it’s between the time 2 or 3 o’clock regardless if its daylight or at night. I have to let that mysterious (for me) time pass.
6. I am not religious but a semi practicing catholic. I believe in the ultimate God. And I respect, and believe a fraction of, all sorts of religion for they are similar in so many ways.
7. I believe that Moses, Jesus, Siddharta Gautama, Muhammad and all founders of the many religions are messengers of God. They are my brothers who I respect and look up to. As the thought of the book of Upanishad which means “to sit down before” whoever has knowledge of the truth, I sit down before them and hear what they have to teach. Or maybe I’m getting that all wrong, but them as messengers of the truth from God needs to be respected and at least be heard. And it’s up to you, and I to believe or not to believe. God is the only one I worship. Them, I respect.
8. As I have mentioned in number 7, I only believe in one true God. The God who is the source of all things.
9. I am a child in a young adult’s body. I need to grow up.
10. I do “The Salute” in yoga several times. It’s the only Yoga steps I have mastered so far. I have to learn the other steps very soon with a guru.

11. I am afraid of death and dying.
12. I want to be cremated when I die.
13. I don’t want other people to see me when I’m a cold corpse, so I want to be cremated. If not, my family is the only one who should see me dead and no one else. And I mean it, NO ONE ELSE!
14. I still dream of a place which is a combination of rural and urban, a city beach or a place that is industrialized with a country touch to it. I love Nature but I also love the modern world.
15. …but I prefer the country living from the city life. But if there’s a place where there’s a city in a country then I will prefer that. I guess New York is a good place to live in, or Ireland, Sydney, and HongKong particularly in Victoria’s Peak. I love it in Victoria’s Peak. Lots of trees, a baseball field I suppose it was, nice place to reside and you could see the city from there!
16. I don’t know how it is to be in love but I know what love is.
17. The song “Ikaw” of Sharon Cuneta and that song with “kahit maputi na ang buhok mo” lyrics and that grow old with you song by Adam Sandler nad recently, Someday by Nina makes me cry.
18. I am gay since birth. There was a period of bisexuality when I was in my sophomore-junior year of highschool. But I knew I was Gay all along, will always be.
19. …and I am (practically) single since I was born. I had my very first boyfriend who is younger than I, a year ago. Well, technically, we were just virtually in a relationship. We don’t get together very often although he lives a few houses from mine. I got tired of it, so I let it go. But what is satisfying is that, he doesn’t deny me. When people ask him if we were in a relationship, he says yes with no hesitation. Nice. But anyway, I am single. Has always been. Looking? You bet!
20. I have a sad soul. I am very lonely. This text message I received from my friend Gani (who’s having troubles of his own right now) last night must be written all over my face to remind me always to Never search your happiness in others, it will just make you feel alone. Rather, search it in yourself; it will make you feel happy even if you are left alone…and I am at a loss what to say next. Maybe, well, I am just me, a changing being, who barely smiles and is about to die.

If any questions are troubling you, my reader, after reading this, feel free to ask me. I’ll be happy to answer.

Lando is Gay

2007-11-28T18:16:00.000+08:00

Last week was a busy week. Well, not I but perhaps almost everyone in the region was. There was news of people evacuating, going to safer places for the fear of landslides, floods, lahar and mudflow, all because of a tropical storm which hasn’t leave the Philippine area of responsibility as of yet. For 2 weeks of rain and gloomy weather and dangers of storm in our minds, today’s weather is fine. Even though today is sunny with scattered clouds in the sky, some areas in the northern part of Luzon (I am located south of Luzon, where the typhoon was originally reported to land and may had created destruction) is still under the tropical storm scare. On the news, those areas are flooded, no electricity and suffered quite terribly. Luckily, from where I am, there was no flood, massive destruction, or landslides which are originally premeditated and reported to possibly happen. The town was actually ready for the flood and most especially the typhoon. It was reported that it may become a super typhoon because of its slow motion and strong gustiness, but actually, there was only a cold gust of wind, gloom and light rain. Though, we were in tropical storm signal no.3, it felt like it was just winter (without snow that is). So even if it landed in the area, there was a probability of zero casualties because everyone was prepared. Thanks to the news (no pun intended for it was really originally to land our region)! It was however a good thing that tropical storm Mina didn’t land in most areas in the region...Sadly though to the northerners. But I am pretty sure they have prepared and casualties are low (on second thought, the news says there are casualties).

As I write this, the typhoon Mina is still in the northern part of Luzon, destructing livelihoods of my fellow Filipinos. On the western part, the typhoon Lando which was prior to Mina, came back after he created chaos in Vietnam. So right now there are two typhoons in the Philippine area. Not only that, down south a low pressure is sighted that can possibly become another typhoon which will be called Nonoy. How unfortunately Philippines can be in seasons like this. There was even a text message that circulated which says that Lando ran away from Mina because Lando doesn’t like Mina. Lando came back because Nonoy is about to come, who he truly likes. Simply put, Lando is gay.

there was something...

2007-11-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

I actually do not have anything to say or have anything to release from my system. Blogging or getting my thoughts in to words somehow becomes a stress buster for me. Since my last post, everything seems ok. Seems, because I feel totally fine since then. I have no queries about life, nor have any distressing moments. Well, except for one thing. I might not be celebrating Christmas with my family for the first time. I casually mentioned in my previous post that I will be leaving the country soon. I wanted to leave after Christmas so I could spend it with my family and friends here but my sister wants me to go to her as soon as possible.

And it is not just for her to have someone close to her to be just at reach when the need for something arises. After all, she’s married now and she has few of her friends there as well. This journey is for me, a journey to get on track with my life again. After two years of being plain and worthless, I have to get on and, finally, live the real life again. The real life in the real world where there are deadlines, 9 hours of labor, getting paid, rush hours, lack of sleep and, well, spending a well deserve break from what we call work.

For two years, I have done nothing. I have not established anything for myself. And it’s time to make sacrifices for a better me, and a better future.

Also, for two years, I nonchalantly hoped for a love affair. But I guess I am never lucky in love.

Also, for two years, I have realized, I only have a few friends. Most of them who I thought were friends are just mere acquaintances.

Also, for two years, nothing has change. All the things I dream of when I was a few years younger have not happened. There were a few desires and fancies that happened but they never were permanent.

So after two years of just living a plain, boring, waiting for something to happen like love, for instance, I have to sacrifice and get into my system that sometimes to reach for a dream we have to leave the past behind.

To reach for a dream we have to establish a will driven self even if breaking away from the things we got used to seem agonizing.

It is true, nothing in this world is permanent but change. Attachments, dependence are disturbance in making a beautiful life of our own. After all, everything changes and everything will never be the same again.

A week ago, I received a message [from the unrequited love of my life] it says that “it’s childish to think that if you simply allow the world to spin around you and let things happen everything will be ok. Life is not an existence, it’s an experience. I say, grow up, make mistakes, take risks, maybe even fall in love, take part, have faith. Life is too short to be wasted on “maybes” and “if onlys”…. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, its still you who decides.”

It struck me that indeed I just allowed the world to spin around me. I cannot believe that five years of learning what we call psychology and took lessons on what we call philosophy, I just simply let everything happen by itself. Have I forgotten or I just did not learn anything because I am stubborn? Or maybe I was too secured that everything will be just fine? Well, today, it occurred to me, everything will not be “just fine” if I stay in this lifestyle of just letting the world to spin on me.

I have to learn that sacrifice is not a tragedy at all but instead, in my heart I know, sacrifice is the source of pleasure and joy.

Well, after all the free flow of thoughts from my head through my fingers, I actually do have something to say or have something to release from my system. As it always been, blogging or getting my thoughts in to words became a stress buster for me. Since my last post, I thought everything was ok. So I seemed, because I feel totally fine since then. But deep within, I have ignored that I do have queries about life, and did have a distressing moment.

So my word from today up to the coming year is sacrifice. I will grow up, make mistakes, take risks, take part, and have faith. In a couple of weeks or so, I momentarily will leave the people I love and the few I have established friendship with. In a couple of weeks or so, I have to leave all these things that I got used to. I know this time, if I spin the world myself, everything will be just fine. I am hoping it will be.

Ahoo Ahoo Day!

2007-11-04T16:31:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday...

What a beautiful morning!!! I woke up pretty early today. At 6:30AM it seems as if I am fully charged of energy even if I slept past midnight. Unlike most days, less than 8 hours of sleep would usually ruin the rest of my day with laziness coupled with bodily malaise. But today, I am full energy! Full of good thoughts!

It’s a beautiful day. Cloudy and gloomy, cool gust of wind as if it’s going to rain any moment. Days like this I imagine of Europe. I was told London usually has a gloomy weather. I see it in movies. Days like this I dream of going to work fully clothed in black suit and topped with a coat walking the streets and trot like a model. Brushing shoulders with people in the streets and flashing a contagious smile to people I come across with seems a delightful idea especially when you receive a smile back from their faces.

But that is just a dream. I don’t even have a job, much less, I don’t know if I’ll ever se foot in Europe.

I can still flash a smile to people though but not the kind of beautiful friendly people I have pictured in my head. Its either people will wonder if I am demented or just someone desperately ugly flirting so early in the day to get hooked up later in the night!

What a beautiful day it is, really. My cousin felt it, too. She said she feels the Christmas breeze coming. I can smell the earth, although it still smell a little of the mud from last Sunday’s flood, it still smells fresh. I can hear birds chirping, a sound I have ignored for quite sometime already. All these are so soothing.

I can’t help but stare. I am having a moment. I’ll savor the beautiful day, with a Marlboro and black coffee, come…join me.

A less than the ordinary citizen wonders…

Christmas is indeed on its way, again. Since oh5 I feel as if I’m deteriorating as days go by. Perhaps that’s what happens when one has nothing to do, have a rather stressful environment, no love life, disturbing media, not to mention the worsening government I see and hear on TV everyday!

Every citizen wants what is best for the country, who doesn’t? But with all these opinions every one has on how to have a better country and government, is clashing on its own. Every one thinks their ideas are better than most others. They all have the conviction that what they think is right, hence, the conflict. So it’s never ending. They can debate and even have senate hearings all they want but they’ll never come to an agreement if they will never learn that to give way is sometimes ok. You can also add the never ending protesters who I don’t really understand where they are coming from. They have opinions themselves and disagree in almost everything the government has to offer. I have my opinions as well but it is never to agree nor disagree in a snap. Thinking must be thorough if it involves larger things. I don’t bother go to the streets and march it with placards that states, “impeach GMA”or what have yous. I could, given the chance, but I don’t. There are more reasonable ways aside from bringing it to the streets. [What I don’t like about STREET PROTESTS is that] (It) attracts a lot of people. The more people they gather, the more powerful and stronger they think they become. But the people they gather, do they understand what they are fighting for? Have the overall knowledge as to why they are marching and protesting?

If we are going to disagree on everything the president does, or what else’s, well, for sure, nothing good is going to happen. What happens in the senate, even if I don’t have full understanding of what they are wasting money and time on, is rather a lampoon to my eyes, as well as street protests. Eventhough they’re not funny at all, they are irritating! Of course each one of them want what’s best [for the country and its people], with their own personal motives whatever they maybe. These personal motives make it even more irritating.

But I don’t stretch. It’ll just make me one of them. I am but a less than the ordinary citizen. I mean I am no good in politics but where are the morals? What happened to what we have learned in years in catechism or religion classes all these years? All religion has taught the basics.

This Christmas, for once, I wish no one will talk bad against each other. Support what the president thinks is better, she is ruling. Instead of disagreeing to her every decision, they must think of each essential detail as to why she makes a certain decision. And if it isn’t good and will further lead to chaos, then discuss the pros and cons, the why’s and tell the people about it and come up with a better solution. Its actually simple when you think of it. I know that is what they do but the ulterior motive is what breaks the good in their decision.

What I learned in senior year catechism back in highschool, each decision must always fall in the morals to which must consider three things at first: will it harm the people around you, will it harm you and most of all will it harm the morals set by God. In the process of elimination, if any, the least affected can be considered. However, sometimes in decision making what the majority thinks is what everyone will get. And the majority I am sure wants what is best for the people, the individual, and God. You know what I think is best, the same thing. Whatever is good for everyone must be the ultimate decision they should agree on. Not what will be good for them alone.

This Christmas, I will light a candle for everyone ruling the country. Whatever their ulterior motives are should not be on their top lists, {or} should not be in any given set of circumstance. They must hear the cries of who put them in their positions. For GMA, I certainly do hope what her detractors accuse her of are just products of their rather wild imaginations. And for the Filipino people, be responsible citizens. Don’t just believe what you see and hear from the seemingly conspiracy theories we hear and see in media. Since what we have in the government is a dirty and dangerous game, let us THINK! And act upon ourselves. Afterall, to see good change, we must act upon ourselves first, rather than put the blame on who ever. If fighting for the country is your game, no question on that, however, fight for what is RIGHT, not ON WHAT YOU ALONE, think is right (since we are talking millions of people, ten, 20, 30…100 isn’t a majority.).

Or, it is simply just basic: do not do unto others what you do not want what others do unto you and Good change starts from within. We all should reform.

I am not sure if I should be glad I am leaving the country soon. This is my home and I definitely love it here, this is where my family, friends and my heart belong. But I am not getting any younger or richer and like I said, I think I am deteriorating as days go by. I needed to support myself and sustain a good healthy life and live it wonderfully because life is so short. I just hope when I come back, everything is in its place the way it must and should be.

A Survey Meme from Friendster…about our highSchool

Copied from Fraulein Olaso, one of my Friends in friendster and a school/classmate in highschool, nevertheless, a friend. if you understand the language and our dialect, you may find this funny...Read on!

1. Bakit ka nahuhuli sa pila bago mag-flag ceremony?
its either, maulan o kaya ang tagal ng sasakyan

2 . Anong fave mong bilhin sa canteen?

- mountain dew, chocolate cringles, egg pie and nachoos, tsaka chippy palan, su pula

3.Na-guidance/principal's office ka na ba?

-superb! a couple of times

4. Sinong fave teacher mo doon?

she's still my favorite until now. but she passed away when we were in 4th year, sadly. She's the best!! Ma'am Oraa. History teacher

5.Sinong HATEST teacher mo naman?

heehehehe.she caught me with my kodigo.hahahah it was ok sana, my bad. but she embarassed me not because i cheated but because i am gay! darn it!

6. San ka usually tumatambay? Why?

corridors. wala lang, just watch the people in school and su crush ko sa patio, sadto bakalan sa palamig na buko ag su chicaron kropek ni manay na sobrang aliiii ku sawsawan, which i totally like!

7. What's your most unforgettable experience?

this is rather sad. because of my pride, i lost a good frienly relationship with Kristine Imperial. i still regret that day in 2nd year. if there ever is a chance to change one day in highschool, that would be that day.

8 . Most unforgettable any thing in HS?

1st year and 3rd year, whenever my class and the class beside ours would sing Happy bithday songs to EVa and/or Luke, one after the other, even if its not their birthdays! OHHHH how i miss that days

and the prom! remember guys, we threw the icings and made the 4th floor a mess after the party! when school resume that monday, i am one of the suspects who started it. But i am damn innocent, i was not. naki join lang. Fun eh!

10. Sinong una mong nakilala sa highschool mo?

-i know most of them already since its just a step from elementary. among the newcomers, Jelicoe made the biggest buzz in highschool,i only knew him by face and name then, because Janessa likes her! hahaha

11 . Sino-sino mga kabarkada mo nung HS?

i had separate clicks. the ones i still keep up to this days are Janis, Kristine, Jhobeth who became closer to me. in HS, i have plenty of friends. there's Milay, Gagal, Hazel F, Angelica M, Lolita, Fatima, Kyla, Eva...uhmmmmm...they are so many!

12 . Nami-miss mo na ba yung uniform mo?

belive it or not, I once did! i fitted my old uniform before the recent strong typhoon destroyed it! i forgot to take a photo of myself. Ithat just gave me an idea. I'll wear that darn uniform once again and profile it. LOL

14. Favorite teacher's quotable quote?

there were many, but the funniest was "during that time" by the controversial Ms Ribaya!

and i recall, during breaks and when josephine bernaldez would stand infront of the class and write who the noisy pupils were on the board, as if we will care even if a point corresponds to a piso payment, the class will play sharades and reenact a teacher's mannerism! who top the imitated teacher? who else but Mr Monte's dance routine where he has to bend over and strot like a duck backwards!! hahahaha. Erickson Orbon imitates it best!

15 . Most unforgettable person/ persons? Why?

aside from friends: Gagal and Paul John. i have a secret crush on them!! hala!!! aminan na!! ahooo ahooo!!

16. Kelan sa tingin mo dadating ang yearbook?

as if there will ever be in our batch! ginugurang na basang kita people! migraan na ngani gayud ako!

17. I-describe ang mukha mo sa grad pic...

fuck! forget it! watta smug! i was very thin and full of that nasty tigidig all over my damn face!

18. Anong binibili mo sa labas tuwing uwian ?

buko palamig ni manay, kropek with matching sawsawan sa secret sawsawan recipe ni manay. and the bebe.

19. Nakakita ka na ba ng multo sa school?

there was a scare in the prayer room back then, in the old building but i never saw one.

20. Nangarag ka ba sa updating/pag hahabol sa projects?

Super! I love cramming. my powers come out when i'm in a rush.

21 . Anong unang-una mong ginawa right after graduation?

graduation party sa parkview..

22 . Ano naman ang papel mo sa Intrams?

choral recitation and sometimes kacheapan na mga monologues. ewwww... kasusupog as i think of it

23. Favorite Janitor/Janitress?

i never knew them by their names...faces amo. so i cant pin point who is who. or shall i say, uda man akp favorite kanda. we never got the chance to get close. :-)

24. Kung papalitan ang color ng uniform ano?

i like it just the way it is...

25 . Nasa Friendster mo ba yung crushmo sa HS mo?

su usad, si gagal. the other one, man, i've searched the internet but to my dismay! if i only have a credit card I have had paid backround check finder a long time ago...talk about desperation, my god!

26. Did you ever regret going to your HS?

Hell No!!! im proud of LACO... and I love LACO. The best memories of my life happened in that school. Sayang, uda, teenage sexual encounters on my part. waaaahhhh Ahoo Ahoo!! hahaha

27. Kilala mo ba kung sino ang nag-post nito?

Oh yah! Fraulein Olaso. Full of humor that girl is! Bing Loyzaga look alike, except for the height maybe. hehehhe Peace Frau!

28. Sino sa mga ka-batch natin ang dapat isali sa STARSTRUCK?

Isnt it obvious? AKOOOOOO!! MEEEE, mare! do you have to ask pa? hehehe!

29. San ka na nag-aral ng H/S?

ah ah. i thought this survey is made for graduates of-LA CONSOLACION
COLLEGE..the best! So there, Proud to be a producrt of LCC!!

30. Sino ang favorite love team sa batch mo?

Eva Cepe and Luke Margallo!!!!!!! WQooooHoooo!!! hahahaha

31. Anu ang best section mo?

1st year Loyalty and 3rd year perseverance!!! we ROCK!

and lastly, photos I wanna Share from the week that was…

Neice Georj woke me up one day, we ended up playing with the camera...

...and with his Dad, my brother, who is about to leave for Cebu to go back to Camp

These photos are taken on the night of November 1st at the cemetary. Together with my cousin Apple's, who is in Italy, son.

he's probably wondering why my lips look like a chickens arse

I didnt know when was this taken and my sister probably took it. I just found this in my computer in the recent photo uploads.
do we make a great couple? hahaha
...And yesterday, I just wanted to pose with a damn make up on. Enjoy!

I've seen in other blogs that they post what their desktop looks likes. So I am doing the same way. Here's how my Desktop looks like.

My Blog celebrated its Birthday on Nov 2nd. This blog is two years old! For the 5066 visitors who took time to be here, from then and today... THANK YOU!!! and double THANK YOU's to those who had the time to comment. Please keep 'em comin'!

baha (flood) 2007!

2007-10-30T17:53:00.000+08:00

We were flooded last Sunday.

the house
It was raining Friday afternoon and it didn’t stop until Sunday morning. I woke up at 4:30 am on Sunday because of the foul smell I doubted was coming from our septic tank. So I rose to check where the smell was coming from. But what I found out was water downstairs! The water outside was rising by the minute and it entered our house. I woke up everyone in the house to salvage stuffs like our clothes and furniture, etcetera to prevent it from soaking in the muddy and smelly water. Electricity was shut off by 5am.

the living room flooded
There was no typhoon to have caused the flood but the non stopping rain. Neighbors said the water from the reservoir was released that caused the all of a sudden flood.

Anyway, it wasn’t the first time we had floods. From my observation, after a year or two intervals we get flooded this time of the year. I practically grew up with the flood so it’s nothing new. We sometimes miss it although after the flood we have to exercise all of our muscles cleaning the mud and disinfect the whole house. We usually don’t get water inside the house when there’s a flood. But when it does, well, it just does. We have a pool in the house hehehe.

save me!!
I tried to go to town but the water flowing in every baranggay intersection was forceful. There was support made by the residents in those areas in order to cross the current. I tried crossing in the first intersection and it was indeed strong. I could feel as if my leg is about to break! I was able to cross though, however the next intersection was stronger, so I decided not to go and I wasn’t able to see how the flood in town is.

If I did, I could have seen the candidates in the 2007 Miss Earth pageant. I was told by friends through text that the candidates were stranded. The bus they were in couldn’t pass through the flood water. So they had to wait until the bus could. I was told some of them went down the bus to check how the flood was.

Here are photos, that i liked which I managed to capture.

this boat passed by in front of the house

you're such a pig!

type mo ata ako!

town

More below or in my album

All I did was walked around and wander in the flood water.

In the afternoon I went wandering again and met with two friends to stroll in town in the flood water. But that time the flood water was decreasing. Though very slow, the current was no longer that strong and we could walk in the water just fine.

It’s back to normal again although there are still traces of mud outside and I hate it! It stick on the soles (and it feels so heavy) where you have to wash slippers with water everytime I go inside the house!

For the pics (of course we cannot let the flood sudside without picture posing as if loving it was posted all over our faces. My cousin even dressed up for it. Funny!).

I am the man!

As always, my cousin Kris, up for it!

Here are the complete set of pictures I manged to capture during the flood. And you can view all of me in the flood water in my album.

whatever this is, it's this.

2007-10-19T16:15:00.000+08:00

Perhaps for an indefinite time, I am going to post survey questions or whatever this numbered question things are called. I get all these sets in other blogs and firendster.

I got this one from one of my favorite blogs: NathanExposed

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?

i don't think blogging is a craze here in my area so i don't worry getting recognized. but i like to look hot just because i dont think I am. I need extra effort to be hot or recognized. hehehe

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?

just the resolution, lighting, cropping and some girlish art. but alterations like making me look buff or tall nose and what nots, No.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?

hmmm,,if he's cute underneath that dorkiness, why not. I don't mind.

4. Do you lie in your blog?

No.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?

i am just a SO -SO, like i am in real life. I get in trouble when i think too much.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?

what? why would i do that. as if i am a celbrity. No. i am a no V.i.P.

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?

i should be. I should be in physical rehab for my MPS (myofascial pain syndrome) but can't afford it. I also have anxieties and wqas advised for counselling. I can manage, still, however. if i cant, then i'll go counselling. hehehe

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?

i dont get any comments so what is there to delete?

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after?

rubbed out i don't think I understand what this means, but i guess, i haven't.

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?

maybe, maybe not.

11. Do you have a job?

been Out of job for two years now. will eventually have one, soon. i will tell you.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?

Hell Yea!

13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life?

i dont really know. i dont know much bloggers but i read a dozen of blogs.

14. Which bloggers have you made out with?

myself. hehehehe

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?

neither.

16. Does your family read your blog?

my sisters do and my cousins

17. How old is your blog?

i had my accident in seot 2005, i started this blog in Nov that year. so that makes it almost two years old.

18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?

i dont know. but i do care if I will get a lot of hits!

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?

hmmm...that sounds nice.... Maybe i should make one.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?

I wish.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?

------

22. Is blogging narcissistic?

sort of. but i wish its not that narcissistic. i try my best to do away with "I" but when I start to try, what comes out first is "i". Darn it!

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?

not really, but i get frustrated not being able to post. this is like my diary. a release of my inner thoughts.

24. Do you like John Mayer?

he's ok.

25. Do you have enemies?

well.... i have ex friends but not necessarily enemies. lets just say we have our own separate lives now.

26. Are you lonely?

sometimes. Yea, i guess.

27. Why bother?

bother what?

Isagani "Gani" Lopez

2007-10-18T14:20:00.000+08:00

Allow me to say something about a friend who became one of my closest for several months now. After being tandem-tagged with a former friend, I luckily break away from that but not to say that I didn’t like being with my good ex-friend. He has always been as good as he could. It is sad to loose a good friend like him because of a little misunderstanding gone badly and pride. But perhaps, like I said in my previous post, sometimes what we thought forever may not just be forever.

“Are you sexually active?” as Isagani “Gani” Lopez would say is one probable question you would most likely hear from him if you get introduced. That is because he is. He is also, gay.

I’ve known Gani for almost 5 or 6 years already but we never got this close until only last May. It was in the process of getting to know each other and, of course, eliminating all doubts about our own negative perspective towards one another one by one.

I never am that judgmental towards anybody who I haven’t met personally. It is very common to people to have opinions about others and sometimes their opinions are not just very nice. And it is somehow normal for people who hear negative opinions about a person to be the basis of their impressions. Sometimes, it becomes the end-all-be-all of everything. In my case, however, I don’t take those opinions for granted but they never become the means to define the person who I have never even conversed or get to know. And so, they became doubts hanging in the closet.

With Gani, that was the case. If words can kill, he may have several deaths already! Gani was constantly mocked behind his back for his abilities by some gay people we know, at least used to. They would say something like “degree holder na nag puputos sa lumpia” (he’s a degree holder who wraps lumpia and sells them) in a really spiteful tone and would theatrically mimic Gani’s mannerisms on how he would belittle those who belittle him as well. It’s like a dog eat dog thing among them, stabbing themselves behind their backs. But with Gani, his backstabbing is just to retaliate and from what I have observed, his’ is in line to truth.

He is an example of the typically misunderstood person maybe because he is loud, “valerya” as we would say in the gay slang locally (which means being mean, basically). Gani is known to be money oriented. Money oriented I would mean to say that he base everything, well, almost everything with money. And I don’t think that is a bad thing. He is just being particularly practical about almost everything since money is tight for him. He lost his parents several years already so he is earning for himself, and for his other siblings/relatives not to mention his “husband”. In my relationship with him, my doubts about our closeness and of what we think about each other individually are laid out and we talk about it openly, almost. Overall, if you don’t know Gani, you would think Gani is selfish, arrogant, despicable, and everything to him has a price tag.

I knew all about this negativity about him for years, not to mention he was rumored to have stolen something from someone (which isn’t true). And as I hang out with him and began conversing with him about almost everything, my closet full of doubts is little by little being emptied. I knew now where is Gani coming from. I mean, yes, all that impressions about Gani is in one way or another true but they are not bad at all if you only knew what is behind all that defenses.

Yes, Gani is a degree holder and he wraps and sells lumpia. From that little business of his, he was able to get that degree, purchase for himself a motorcycle, pay his bills and have little for recreation. Those who mock him for being in a sense poor because he has to wrap and sell that thinly filled lumpia and earn a living from that doesn’t know what its like to be pleased of that little achievement which in time will become something to really be PROUD of. As the saying goes “Big things come from small beginnings”. It is true for him.

Gani is selfish because he is a typical gay person who yearns to be loved. But aren’t we all? He may have thought that everything has a price tag, even in love, because a number of gay men in the country buy love, he’s not alone in that aspect. I really can’t blame him if that’s what he thought of since it is definitely hard to be ultimately happy with someone you are not sure loves you back. The giving of something is what secures the seemingly superficial happiness that somehow fills the void in deep. To be loved back if you’re not secure of some matters is a big thing. What’s good about all that is he knows exactly what he is doing and why is he like that. His selfishness should not be mistaken because lets look into ourselves, aren’t we selfish ourselves of the things we do not have control of? Another things is, in a completely different aspect of being selfish, his opinion is what I own is mine, so respect that.

There may be price tags for everything for Gani, but it isn’t exactly like that. He is a “businessgayman”. Every job you do for me and every job I do for you has a penny attached to it. Pay me in accordance with what job I can do for you, vice versa, only if money is involved. Usually, people who are like that are really misunderstood. Lets be honest, money is very essential these days even if we have just about enough of it. Well, charity may not be in Gani’s vocabulary as it seems but, no, he knows how to help and when to help.

Gani is arrogant because of his achievements in life. His arrogance exudes which becomes a point of ridicule by some. He is indeed a strong person and what he went through and is going through in his life makes him even stronger to face life’s unfair treatment. Now isn’t that something to really be proud of? He unconsciously shows this arrogance in ways that does not tune up with the demands of observers that’s why people think of this arrogance as something that depletes his integrity. He may lack humility in himself but it is something he can be most capable of. His modesty radiates from other things in a different form. And if you know what they are you would admire Gani for that.

You may not like to be around Gani because you may think he is a disgrace because of his being arrogant, loud, money oriented life and so on but to me, Gani is one hell of a good decent friend! And I like having him around! He may be very outspoken about what he thinks of you or in general but isn’t that a good thing? You not only get what other people think of you, you in part get to asses yourself. Gani is being true to himself and it is a brave effort to let others know what and who he is. And it is a double dose of valor in his part to accept their impressions and criticisms and learn from it as well as be open for defeat. His sharp mouth may hurt but he is open for enlightenment to change that sharp words.

Gani is, most of all, a believer. He prays for the Lord’s guidance and more strength. Even if he is a sinner, like we all are, he believes in God and has strong faith. I especially like it when we discuss about our beliefs and what we think of God! His humor is incomparable. He is trustworthy, and is definitely a very good friend.

If I may define what a good friend is to the best of my knowledge is someone who would tell you upfront what he doesn’t like about you, he would tell you his intentions, secrets are kept and I mean not totally kept but would protect you in the best that he could if you have something going on in your life. A good friend will tell you what others think of you constructively, even if it’s something bad. A good friend would not only tell you what you should do but will give you guides on how you will do it. A good friend knows when not to talk but just to listen. A good friend does not make you any less of what he is. A good friend shares. A good friend understands when you mention something bad about him or does not agree with a certain thing and you both discuss it in a mature, good natured manner to come up to common ground, with no grudges inside. A good friend gives way. A good friend teaches you what he thinks will be best for you if asks for it. And most of all a good friend doesn’t just show you when to have good time but also to have a one hell of a blast!

In more ways than one, Gani has been that good friend. His negative personality people sees is actually not a bad thing. He knows what he is doing and why he is doing it, and to me that is enough to understand his demeanors. He may aggravate some people but that is utterly nothing but a joke (although some of his jokes are kind of true but it means nothing at all). I may not know him that well and there are still a few hangers of doubts in the closet but I definitely would want to commend him for being the friend that I needed to be in the special list of my best friends in the gay category. I don’t want to think that I am benefiting from his friendship but it is true. I am learning from Gani, and I hope he is also learning from me. I am having fun in a totally different way. No pretensions, no inhibitions. And it is just so good being true to myself (of course, without getting in other people’s ways). So far that is what Gani has taught me.

We will not be tandem-tagged even if we hang out more often than usual. People see us together at times or along with Jeric (Gani’s best friend). Gani and Jeric is the tandem. And I am not to break that. I know where I stand in this friendship. I am just in a definitely good time hanging out with them both!

gani with a cute boy named Andrew

Filipinos demand for an apology from ABC and Desperate Housewives

2007-10-05T16:46:00.000+08:00

I don't know how many FILIPINOS read this blog, or there could be none. But anyway, I am republishing this "appeal" posted from my Friendster bulletin by a friend. I have heard it on the News and seen the report on TV about the derogatory remark about Filipino Medical practitioners. I wouldn't really care about that normally, but to think that a lot of filipnos trained in the medical field be it nurses, doctors or nursing aids, are servicing the americas yet they have the guts to degrade medical schools in the country?? As a matter of fact, my uncle who is a doctor works in the states and his wife is a physical therapist who heads the institution where she works. Now isn't that one example of filipino greatness?

Please join in the petition. I have signed. May you too, Filipino, or not, please do sign by clicking the link below:

Filipino Americans demand for apology from ABC and Desperate Housewives

Dear Kababayan and Allies:

I heard through the grapevine about a remark made on an episode of "Desperate Housewives" last night. The scene entailed Teri Hatcher's character (Susan) at a hospital, being told by her gynecologist that she might be hitting menopause. Susan
replied, "Can I just check those diplomas because I just want to make sure that they are not from some med school in the Philippines. " If you go to abc.com, you watch the full episode and witness the scene at about 18:50 minutes into the episode. This type of derogatory remark is not only unnecessary and hurtful, but is also unfounded, considering the presence of Filipinos and Filipino Americans in the health care industry. Filipinos are the second largest immigrant population in the United States, with many entering the U.S. and passing their U.S. licensing boards as doctors, nurses, and medical technicians. In fact, the Philippines produces more U.S. nurses than any other country in the world. So, to belittle the education, experience, or value of Filipino Americans in health care is disrespectful and plain and simply ignorant.

As Filipino Americans, we need to band together to ensure that this type of hateful message is not allowed to continue on our television and radio airwaves. Given the recent amounts of media attention that has been given to Michael Richards(against AfricanAmericans ), Isaiah Washington (against gays), and Rosie O'Donnell(against Asian/ Chinese Americans ), it is ridiculous that this type of hateful speech made it through various screenwriters, the show's producers, the show's actors, and ABC itself. Yet, this isn't the first time that negative remarks have been made about the
Philippines or Filipinos in the past. In recent years, we've heard one too. many "dogeater" comments by "comedian" Joan Rivers on the red carpet or in her standup act, and I believe that it is about time that we stand up for ourselves, so that this type of hateful speech never happens again.

Please join me in expressing your concern, disappointment, and/or disgust to the producers of ABC.com. You can sign the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/FilABC/ or you can reach them directly abc7@abc.com.

And please feel free to forward this widely to other Filipinos/Filipino Americans/Asian Americans and other allies.

Sincerely,

Kevin Nadal,
Filipino Performance Artist/ Activist
knadal@gmail.com

I need a hug

2007-10-03T16:40:00.000+08:00

Today, I just felt I needed some warmth. Warmth like a tight hug can do. Especially from someone with a scent of a man.

*sigh*

untitled

2007-09-29T03:04:00.000+08:00

To constantly move forward is easier said than done especially when all your life you had been holding on to almost everything, even those that are supposed to be put to past. However, it is considerable to take your past into view in order to determine how you will move on. But to put your past ahead of you is like blocking your way to growing, winning and making life more meaningful.

My past hindered my path. I let it get in the way.

This time it wouldn’t. It takes a lot of time getting used to but if I am determined to succeed and realize my dreams, I should not let anyone or anything get in my way.

This past I am talking about is rather wide-ranging. I couldn’t understand it myself but if I relay them publicly in this blog, perhaps I will defy the essence of my being exclusive, of the things that are meant to be personal. In this sense let me say my past contained a bagful of inferiority: My worries, my idealisms, my pride, my being stubborn and all the bad energy. They have been stabbing me behind my back. They need to be arrested and be sentenced for life, or better, all of them should be shot to death for betrayal, and they’re treachery. This is a war against myself. And I should win. I am determined to win this battle versus myself.

Strange…but some people are stuck in reasons thought reasonable to hold on to for the understanding that it will make them better. In my judgment, I am one of those people. Those who are weak, stupid, and don’t know how to handle the flow.

I should keep on walking forward and start life as it should be but my question is, how? With that one word question, answers are behind me and I must take a step backward in order to move forward. This time, as I mentioned earlier, it should not lead the way. My stepping a few steps backward will guide, only guide me through.

So this time I am thinking, how will I succeed in my career, my sought-after career? The thing is, really, I don’t know where I should go or what I should be. I am inexperienced. My skills are limited...became limited. I thought I was a people person but it seemed I am not. I am not creative. My ideas are rusty, and most of all I failed my education. I only know a few things that can equip me to pursue this sought-after career, of what I do not really know.

I cannot be a doctor or an accountant for very obvious reasons. Neither can I be in Human Resource or Public Relations even if my degree implies that I could because behind that degree is a little too discomforting for an employer to hire me. Thus, I can settle for a lesser professional job. Perhaps I can be under the professional support category. But I guess in that line, one must be equipped with tons of skills which I sadly do not possess.

Where do I settle myself then? That is why I am thoroughly assessing and probing myself with what I can do to aid me succeed, which is a lot harder than I think it would. I couldn’t find my best asset!

I know… I am just afraid. I do not believe in myself and in what I can do. Confidence. That is what’s missing.

I do not want to settle for anything less, though, because I know in my heart I can be somebody I want to be. All I needed to do is thorough planning and thinking and of course be driven for success, which I am ultimately wanting to achieve! And I recall, last Sunday while watching this show KC from Paris to ‘pinas somewhere in that show KC Concepcion mentioned, if my memory serves me right, that in order for us to find our purpose (in life) we need not settle in one place, or something like that. And somewhere back in time I also read somewhere something like “I don’t know why some people are afraid of change, in my case I get scared when something gets routinary” (quote not verbatim, just the idea of the thought). And I completely know what that person meant. Change is very essential in everyday. There’s just no room for growth when everything or something gets all the same. I also learned a long time ago that everything will never stay, every thing goes, nothing is constant except change.

I am not getting any younger so I must fight for my life. I must strive to establish a life! So I am wrapping all these essential ideas and psychoanalyzing and all that good thoughts I get somewhere in order to show me the way. And, God leading the way. And this I Pray: God, help me help myself.

Speaking of God, Ramblings of a non-catholic for me is one of the best compositions/article/essay or whatever it is called written in Ala-ism which is a concise disclosure of one’s beliefs (and how she reacts and practice or bring about her beliefs to our one and only God) I have ever read! I don’t know but I have the same feeling about what she said, and I couldn’t agree more. She put it so finely and easily into words where which I wish I also have.

A few lovely quotes that dawned on me:

When I walk there, I feel grateful for the use of my legs, an ability which I know I may not possess forever. I have not thanked God enough for not taking my legs away. I know God knows how grateful I am for his kindness.

Life is richer for those who are aware of the sacred symbolisms of everyday actions and everyday objects. To walk into a building like a church, a temple, or any holy place, is only a symbolism of walking inwards into our own inner sacred place. We walk into a church not to meet a statue but to meet God within ourselves, and God inside others. People who cannot see the meaning of symbols either lack imagination or are too lazy to create their own.

When it comes to God and the belief towards the Infinite and Ultimate being sends shiver in my entire body. A certain force rush into me when it comes to subjects like that. The drive to learn, understand and share a little of my knowledge and “tabula rasa” about philosophy and religion is just so…so…so…heavenly! And divine if I may add!

Even if I practiced atheism in my younger years, which is by the way, a sort of escape of some non-believers to understand the fullness of existence in a…let’s say philosophical, theoretical kind of way. I was a non-believer for some time. But my atheism only confused me. I craved for the truth in a more rational but solid, tangible way to which only mystified me even more.

For some odd reasons, I just one day believed. From there, everything was clear and I could understand all perplexities. My faith became stronger when my life was taken away and destroyed by one unfortunate incident. It could have been the reason to break my faith. But it didn’t, because I trust God that everything happens for a reason. It hurts to loose the things I haven’t even began and to be “lifeless” but if you have faith, you’ll understand what I am talking about. You feel safe even if you think you’re not. I know I am not a good catholic like most others. I don’t go to church every Sundays or pray the rosary religiously. I am a sinner and I am no saint and I deserve to be punished, but even so, I believe and I entrust my life for the One and Only. Here’s the thing God does not punish. You know, like the line from the song Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang, “there can be miracles when you believe… you’ll know when you believe”. It’s true. You’ll know the answers when you believe.

Holy Cow! and the Scapegoat.

He wants a kiss
while taking a walk in the neighborhod one gloomy afternoon a few days ago, this cow greeted me. Its not unusual to see a cow in the neighborhood for a some of our neighbors own a few cattles to breed and as an investment. I just though i'd share this picture since I am sharing something about beliefs. Cows are thought to be holy in some religion. Because of the milk they provide they should be treated with respect like our mothers (mentioned in wikipedia). I wonder, if cows are holy to them, do they eat beef?

how about "my friend", is she not holy? or just a mere scapegoat?

keep on walking

2007-09-17T19:02:00.000+08:00

Let's see....

It's been 2 years now after the accident that, let me say, made a huge mark, disfigured my life literally and figuratively! and it has affected my over all being---negatively, I have to admit! Even if i said to myself back then, that I am ok,i'm cool, etc etc... I guess I just lied, to people and most especially to myself. I am not OK!

Let's see....

live in the now...

forget the past...

...and keep moving forward.

Those are three things thats been bugging me lately, aside from, of course, my being a hypochondriac, where which every slight change in my bodily function is always regarded to as symptoms of cancer. I can't help it. Since that day sometime in Febuary when I was admitted to the hospital for fear of having TIA (transient ischemic attack), I've been overly thinking and assessing every thing I feel in my body.

Even if I am acknowledging the fact that I maybe a hypochondriac I still feel some things going on inside me, malaise that is.

In every day, I consume hours worrying about my health. In order to interrupt my worries, I run around the house and get myself sweaty and tired. It helps for a while but in the event that I feel something again, there goes the worrying.

So for the past few days, I registered in my head those three things I mentioned above. It all applies to most things happening in my life lately, especially this paralyzing situation I have made myself. What bothers me is how to apply them. I mean I do know how but with the limited resources and the environment I am in, its just so hard to focus. But I'm trying my best "to keep moving forward" ... and i will, whatever it takes!

...and I will talk more about that when I get back with my needed privacy when I blog (people are around, I can't concentrate!)

Signos

2007-08-26T17:32:00.000+08:00

Now that I only have a few friends physically there for me, I guess it would be the right time to pursue my dreams that I myself have put on to a long hiatus. No blame to anyone for that decision but myself. Lets just say, I wanted much to explore the things I should’ve had explored when I was still in high school.

Back then I had not done many things. I was hindered by my own idealism which at this moment doesn’t seem right. Perhaps I should’ve just gone with the flow. Looking back makes me want to regret the wasted times but doing so would not change anything. I don’t wanna admit it but, really, I did not enjoy my younger years. Let me say its all because of my idealism…my view of how should my life be in the future…and my desires of how a teenager should live his life.

Now you ask, how should a teenager live his life? As a matter of fact, I don’t know. All I know back then was I wanted to live it like how one tree hill, dawson’s creek teenager’s live their teenage lives. Even if these series wasn’t on air then, how they live their lives is how I wanted my life as teenager had been lived.

But there’s no turning back now. The things is, I tried to make it happen after I was done with college which I can say was not that bad. However, I have given in the money making life after the academe just because I wanted to fulfill my stupid desires as a teenager. My real world life was sacrificed.

So where am I now?

…have wasted time, almost in a hurry to be in pace with how a 27 year old should live life: a job, a bank account, a visa or a mastercard, a loft, or a house, properties, working and traveling, a partner, sex life, after work parties, health insurances, pay taxes, a business…all that for success.

Now that I only have two friends physically there to make me company, I have decided to put an end to all these living la vida loca of a teenager. Re-creating the teenager in me perhaps was such a bad idea to begin with.

But…

…no regrets for, as we all know, it would not change anything.

What’s the deal with me having only two friends? Don’t get me wrong, my friends are still there. It’s just that they’re busy with their own money making lives. My friend Lorean is already a lawyer. I went to her office last Friday for a friendly visit. Another friend, AnnaLeah, is working on building her house in a very nice community in Naga City after which she’ll go back to Japan where she spent most of her years after highschool and found a very loving partner who I haven’t met personally yet. While some of my friends are fulfilled with their married-career driven lives, single mom lives whereas the rest, is busy with work and living their profession to earn a living, independently and of course living out their dreams and their seen purpose in life.

Stop!

Am I dying or something? It seems to me I am deeply looking back at my past!

Anyway, I broke off with the person I considered my best friend, Lee Jack, a little over two months ago. I guess its better that way although I never wanted our friendship to end just because I hurt him, when all I thought I was forgiven. Even if I asked for his pardon and he even assured me of his compassion, he still took me for granted after that. Perhaps, it’s never too good to assume about everything, my bad. To which made me conclude later on, when all I thought I do, that I really do not know who really is this person I considered my best friend. Then I thought, maybe, our individual differences has just gone soaring that we came to a point that we cannot stand each other. Not that I can’t stand his tattletale, fashionably-trendy-artistic-breaking-the-mainstream-ideas, mister-know-it-all, opinionated self. As a matter of fact it’s who he is that I have known. Those are his traits that made my ex best friend the best in the world!

So all that ten years of friendship, more or less, is in the gutter. Blame my pride or his rock hard pride for having it that way, but I’m not giving in to reconciling with him unless he does the first move. Even if he does, what we were will never be. We can reconcile but that chapter where the Lee Jack and Emman tandem, where most of our friends, the people who barely knew us but see us, and the community have known, is rather close. As a matter of fact, people still ask me of Lee Jack when they see me hanging out with either two of my physically present friends, to which I simply say, “I do not know” or “maybe he’s at his house”. For now, he’s having fun with the person he closely resembles to which I cannot contest to. After all, it’s his life, and as for me, its time to move on.

They say life will never be the same. True. But if it’s for the best, so be it. It’s a cliché, I guess, and that I heard somewhere that life sometimes has to give up something for the best. I guess our friendship is one of them. So there are three things I just wanna say to Lee Jack as a bid of parting to our seemingly invincible friendship: 1. all the best to him 2. May he be happy with his chosen path, and 3. Thank you for the friendship.

For I, on the other hand, will certainly continue my now beautifully begotten life.

My Latest Friend

Funny. But I call this goat, My Friend, each time I am to feed him. I named him that. this lovely creature that keeps saying "mmeee-mheeeehhe" everytime she sees my grandfather or I was a gift from a friend of my grandparents on their 50th Wedding Anniversary. There was two of them but they slaughter the other one last June. I pity the creature. I never tasted the meat.

Simple Life

2007-08-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

In my last post I said I would say something about a life that I dreamed of, or more of an ideal life I have made up in my tiny brain.

I would say I want it simple. Simple as in I wouldn’t need anything in this materialistic world. All I ever wanted ever since I was a kid are four things: love, a considerable amount of money to sustain my needs, visits to America, and good health. Growing up adds things to desire: more money, sex, all the new things imaginable I could own, going places, more money, and more money!

None of those childhood idealism about living a life upon growing up came true. Haven’t found the love, haven’t earned the money that I need, haven’t gone to America, and sadly, in connection with growing up and because of not taking good care of the body, health is on the verge of failing. So as of now, I am like a child starting to dream the same things again. It’s like I’m back to step one of recreating what I should have created a long time ago. And cleansing all the dirt gathered the moment I stumbled. I still wanted the same things. I simply wanted a comfortable life meeting the demands of the ever changing world.

When I see and speak with people younger than me, I sometimes couldn’t help but be the person teenagers don’t like of a grown up. Like, how grown ups inculcate in young minds to be this and that. The good thing about how I say things over and over is that I say it in a way that they would do what I have not done for them to perceive a very good perspective about how to live life. I bring up the consequences of not being able to plan ahead and realize those plans as early as planning them. You see, by setting up an example, they would at least have the idea. You cannot correct a mistake for and from another mistake. We have to let them know about the mistakes we’ve done and the underlying consequences and hope that they wouldn’t do them.

In contradiction, some would say, each to his own. But that is not the case. Whether it is applicable to them or not, at least they have the idea of certain things.

These young people’s future is just about to start while my future is already a little step further, almost coming to an end. If I do not do anything, I might end in the gutter.

In this crazy world, we have to admit money makes everything. Money is everything! Without it, where would we be? Perhaps dead. You cannot do this and that without them. Unless I live in seclusion where natural resources are abundantly growing, the need for money would be less. Even then, the need of it is still there.

Then how do we get these need created by man? Jobs! Work on it. Earn it.

Now, that’s all I want, a job with no meager income. At that, I guess everything else follows. I would not hope much on the love side, though. It’ll probably just come. If not, God forbid, I’ll buy love instead!

ahh...so this is life!

2007-08-11T17:41:00.000+08:00

I had a long break from the online world. Aside from having been busy last June entertaining and bonding with my cousins from the states who came for a vacation and at the same time we celebrated our grandparents 50th Golden wedding anniversary, I must admit I was getting a little tired (or lazy, actually) going online. By July I went to Hong Kong for 3 days and when I came back everything was just in a haze.

I haven’t been getting enough sleep also, I don’t know why.

Noy is my cousin, we share the same birtday together with my older brother.

I turned 27 last August 9 so I’m getting older. I’d like to add “richer” but that is just not the case. It is the other way around: getting older, getting poorer and getting left out in this fast paced world! And it is too tiring! I know this is a common scenario in this fucked up life of mine that I whine about how I tune my life this way. Sorry, I might push readers away because of my dramas.

Anyway, with readers or no readers at all, that is not my case. I blog to express, to let go of this life threatening frustrations and to keep track of how my existence is becoming….

I’m trying to live my life as much as I could. Even if feeling physical pains of unknown origin, emotionally detached from most things, anxious of being in the return to where I came from, worried how unworthy I have live the half years of my life, I am making amends to live the other half. That is in accordance with how I imagine it should’ve been lived…so that I could have no regrets in the long run.

You ask, how do I imagine living my life? It’s a long description, which just gave me the idea to write about it in my next post. All I can say for now is this: I want to live a healthy long life. Uhm…. That was my wish during my birthday when I went to hear mass and is my wish until then.

I have not much to say now. I am tired. I am sleepy (yet I can’t get a good sleep). But I just thought of going online and say something, which is basically nothing at all.

For now, I will sign out with these following selected pictures I wanted to share since June.

Here are some pics during my grandparents wedding anniversary. I didnt take that much pics of myself.

ooo..what a kiss!!

my neice, giorj. fell asleep from waiting

...and we went swimming in the nearby Masuso spring

fooling around in the middle of the road

uric acid..eeek!

with my "TFC" cousins...

with twinkle early in the morning!

...and cute tony!

...and Candy

...and Hannah

and this is Ashley, we dressed her up!

and some fun gags with my cousins.

Sadly, the month has to end that time and Goodbyes were a little sad. We dont know how long we have to wait till we can bond again but thanks to the internet, we keep in touch!

Lastly, here are the pics when I was in HongKong. i made an animation, but it just cant upload it on YouTube. here's a slide instead.

...so this is Hong Kong!

2007-07-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

Hello guys!

OneLeg Walkiking is in the city of HONGKONG!!!!

But sad to say, it wasn't i expected. Well, maybe the district I am in is not such the place I have in mind. I am in the Central District. Perhpas I just have to enjoy my stay even if it wasn't really the trip I expected it to be!

in Grand Millenium Plaza (same as the above picture)taken this afternoon.more pics soon in my gallery

iM mISSing yOu

2007-07-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

Damn! Forgive me but I just needed to get what I’m feeling out of my system!

I can’t really tell what exactly I am feeling. But I can tell one thing: I can’t stop thinking of two people. One who is from my past which gave me a real good reason to keep hoping on something I am indistinctly holding on to. And the other one who is in not so distant past which happens to captivate me into thinking about the person in my past.

Confusing but hear me.

I’ve been in love with the same person in twelve years. It was an on and off thing. Well, for starters it was unrequited, totally one way street. Back then hoping was all there is. I dream of him that one day we’ll be together, we could be a couple. And even if its impossible I at least have dreamt of us being friends, spending sometime together, talking…walking… that being at least realistic enough to come true. It did. And I am more than glad to know that what I hoped for came true.

Equally enough, it’s a sad tale. I am a stubborn fart who couldn’t stop wanting, wishing, much least hoping that in a little twist of fate we could still be together. And I told him that thought which he understood but assured me that it is impossible that we’d go there…that he’d go there. It kind of hurts but I understand. But I will hold on to that thought even if its impossible. I could wait even if takes forever for him to realize he needs me or likes me the way I like him. I know it’s a foolish thing to do, he even advised me its stupid to do that cause he had done that himself, but I’m still holding on to that thought. Who knows, it might happen.

Then there’s the more recent guy. More like a tangible memory of my past. He was more likely the same age with the guy I fell in love the first time when I met him. A memory came to life when I felt love towards this guy. What we have reminds me of what I have had with the first. I loose myself when I see him, be near him. Just the mere thought of him sends me shiver and longingness the way I have had during the first time.

The difference is that with the first, we were not friends for a long time. Only recently did we become good friends and converse rather immensely about life in general, one thing which I like. In the contrary, with the more recent person, we became good friends at first and only a few times later that I’ve realized I’ve fallen for him. He was game to us being a couple. As a matter of fact we were for month last year but I decided it was going nowhere so I broke it off. We haven’t spoken after that. Last month we reconciled and had something going on between us again. I wanted us to get back together but we cannot. He cannot, or he doesn’t want to be involved with me anymore or shall I say “as of yet” because of something going on in his adolescent love life. We do converse though but not in the intimate way.

But all that seemed to vanish. I see him sometimes and all we do is nod our heads in acknowledgement like saying hello. It’s all me actually, I just don’t know how to deal with him in public for what we have is a secret. And I guess if I act like I am close to him or something in public, what I feel for him may manifest. So I decided to keep our distance in public even if it makes me wanna grab his hand and kiss him everytime I see him!

Yes, we had kissed once. But this once kiss was multiple kisses. I long for that to happen again. However, that seemed to be behind us now as I see it. I know it’s entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings and attraction towards him.

You see, all the things I wanted to happen never happen the moment I wanted them to happen. It surprises me that some things I dream or hoped for just happen in the most unexpected way and time. I never had the chance to be prepared for it, like what should I do or how should I act or simply say be prepared for the rules if ever there are rules. Should it be that way?

Anyways, I don’t know where I am going to with what I am saying. What I know is I miss them both. I miss Jun and I miss Kevin so much. All I want is not to get lost whenever I see them. Not say the darndest things when I talk with them. Shoot. I’m just a boy standing in front of two boys waiting for any of them to love me back.

I Love HK

2007-07-17T01:10:00.000+08:00

Again, I am still alive (for the lack of something better to say...)!

And...

HongKong? Here the hell I come! I will be in HongKong from the 20th till the 23rd! Hurrraaaahhhh!

Honey, I am Back

2007-07-09T07:59:00.000+08:00

I am still alive, people!!

I havent been blogging for a while now, neither have said anything about an indefinite blogosphere hiatus. much has happened in that span of time. but i'm just not gonna share them for now.

i just dropped by to make this "just about nothing" post. and when i come back, it will be a full post. i am just not myself during the days and weeks that passed. and going online seems like a tiing thing to do. okay, i'm not in the mood to go any further. but i promise to be back as soon as possible.

...because it's home sweet home...

2007-06-03T21:17:00.000+08:00

DEPENDENCE [di péndənss] = a depending on another for material or emotional support|| trust, reliance || the state of being contingent.
noun Also called dependency
1. need for something: a need for something or somebody to be available in order to exist or survive
• financial dependence
• dependence on public transport
2. physical or psychological need: a physical or psychological need to use a drug or other substance regularly, despite the fact that it is likely to have a damaging effect

That was (or is) I all these years.

Allow me to travel back a little to my silver years.
I miss what was. I woke up today in a rather unusual mood. The tingling I feel at most times are not unusual, however as time goes by, I began to get accustomed to such malady. Yet today, the mood was not because of this neuropathic pain but I am in a state of looking back what was.

Every morning it has been a routine to get a daily dose of caffeine, and nicotine. A dependency which I realize I abhor now but nonetheless continue to operate. Sitting in my usual spot, the veranda, to consume the daily dose, I caught myself staring at our old house (which I see everyday though).

Memories came flashing back.

Rollerblading in the rain. Playing step or no, volleyball, baragatan, luksong baka, luksong tinik, lying in the grass, running around ricefields that needs tilling in the rain throwing mud at playmates or just mud bathing like water buffalos, picnicking, carrying pails of water to water the plants around the house, violent quarrels with my brother and sisters that made us chase whoever to get back on each other physically and sometimes climb a mango tree as high as we could so no one would get caught in each others raging hands. I also recall when we kneel in front of the altar sometimes on salt or mongo beans whenever we make something unpleasant to our grandmother’s eyes, such as those seemingly gruesome quarrels growing siblings usually do. As well as getting chased by our aunt with any stick she could hold on whenever we trick her into sleeping during the afternoons but when she dozes off or went away to do something upon thinking we’re sleeping like angels, we slip out of the house to play with our neighbors. Those are some memories of my childhood I so long for. Though seemingly painful getting smacked, it was wonderful as I think of it now. Children, you cannot really discipline them, can you?

Some childhood neighbors has left town, some got married. I was left alone here, and single. New generations has emerged from nowhere which let me say sadly, I became a part of. I mean, these teens have been, well, sort of “friends” I have when I stay in the neighborhood which is at most times now. I am the only one grouping with them who is in his late 20’s. It occurs to me that I have not outgrown the child in me. New generation teens almost have the same minds as we were in the 90’s so I can relate to whatever their talking about. But of course, being a teen from another decade to a grown up man in this generation there are some of their conversations that I have to decode.

When Lee Jack introduced me to the life in town, I met new people and eventually became friends and “friends” with them. I realized a life I have missed. I am not a solid Nabueno although I was born and raised here. Until I met the real world outside sta lucia a few years back that I realized I love this town and proud to be a nabueno. Although a ghost town and let me add, people feed themselves by prying on other people’s lives, (which I don’t like but it has been a trend among nabueno’s that cannot get out of. Or say, in general, it is what a society really is. People in each society live on gossips.) a town such as Nabua whom everybody knows everybody is still a place I call home.

With these memories of my childhood to my recent years, became my comfort zones. Even if these comfort zones I call hurt me at times, no matter where I go I still keep coming back. Even if it meant that I’ll be left out alone and probably friendless and horribly single in this ghost town (and neighborhood) to rot, I still love it here. How’s that for being masochistic? On second thought, I don’t want to be left alone where everyone becomes somebody with a bankbook, a wife(or a husband) and kids, a house, a business, and basically just having a comfortable and secured future.

Because of my enormous dependency on my comfort zones I am left out not growing neither changing as a person. I would rather say, I am in a reverse mode in terms of growth. It’s sickening, you know, when I realize from time to time how stagnant my life has become. Just the thought that I maybe dying, and haven’t proved or accomplish anything in this so called world makes me want to hop on the next bus and proved that I can be someone I want to be. But, this dependency takes me aback. I wonder what my creator would tell me when he asks “what have you accomplished in your life” when and if I answer his question with an impassive ‘NO’. Would he let me go back to live or would he just throw me to a place where he stuck people who did nothing about their lives?

I could tell you the many reasons why I am stuck to being dependent but I am going to keep it to myself for now. Its not that I am all too dependent in all these, it’s just comforting to be in a place where you could act like you own it, and so reassuring to be in a place or have things or see and be with people so familiar to you. Call it extreme attachment because from the sounds of someone’s footsteps I could tell who it is, I can tell from a far who is this person walking towards my direction, from a creak of whichever door in the house I could tell which room was opened, or I could even walk with eyes closed around the house or could even tell whose vehicle passed by in front of the house with just the sound of its running engine.

Anyway, I am just melancholic about everything. The old house full of memories, this new house where I found some challenging despairs, the greenery, the aging and changed people in this neighborhood though I don’t converse with as well as the new residents, the people I have become friends with, the people I am attracted with… everything, just everything is home sweet home.

----------------------------
...because of all these thoughts, and the unusual mood I decided to get a haircut late this afternoon. A rather liberating haircut that I've been wanting to do.

booooooyyyyaaaaahhhhh

Gay in Despair. Episode 2

2007-05-24T12:47:00.000+08:00

Despite my apologies, my friends whom I have offended have gone cold towards me, much like treating me in a civil way. I cannot blame them for I might have really sucked them out to stay away from me. DonDon is the only one who still treats me like always and much thanks to him. The other night, Gani, a friend in town came over my house and we drove around town and met with the friends. That’s when I’ve realized their cold treatment. I assumed what I’ve done wrong was already behind us since we send SMS like always but then it seems their resentment towards me has come to be a chip on their shoulders. So, I’ll let them be. Gani and I hang out instead since it seemed he has something going on between them, too, which I didn’t bother to ask what it was. We had a nice conversation about several issues facing our lives. As we go on sharing our life experiences about being somehow misunderstood by people, as well as, time’s running out for us to carry out our life’s goals, as weird as it sounds, I sat there beside him at the town plaza half hearing his tales…my mind floated with the question:

What have I accomplish?

…N o t h i n g….

That’s not what I am going to talk about on this post because I indeed haven’t accomplished anything.

I know it’s a cliché in this blog how stagnant my life has been since my accident. I thought I got over the emotional pain, but I guess I have not. That accident has just given me more of the depressing mood each time my leg feels a sudden discomfort and at MOST times when there are physical activities I would like to endure on.

Having said that, I have no other option but to think why does that have to happen?
By inquiring on that question, it sort of eases my mind and heart momentarily thinking of that unfortunate. Of course the self absorbed answers are the usual: “must be my fate”; “it’s God’s will”; “a test”; and the most common of all “something happens for a reason”. It indeed has some reasons but such seemingly mundane conundrums sometimes just put me defense-less. Who could question the mystery that “everything happens for a reason”?

I tried but I failed.

Returning answers to such questions are seemingly defense mechanisms to better the inquiring mind and soul. Does it help the poor soul? For a time it does but the moment you feel the same feeling of inquisitiveness as to why and why and more whys come your way, you route back to phase 1. It occurs to me it’s a cycle I and some of us are trapped in.

You see, we have a choice actually: to dwell in the unknown or suppress it (and play the happy soul).

I opted for both.

I dwell in these never ending quests to ally my whys and to suppress these why’s and try to harmoniously live in and out of the cycle. Yet, why does that modicum of succor do not ultra help me in most ways. I still cannot fully accept why did this happen to me, one of the many things I dwell on. It may not show in my face personally that I have a poor soul but it lingers inside me and my aura cannot fake the intense desolateness.

People with exuberant selves, I envy. They seem to be full of life. They are in content with the superficial endowments. And their entrée’s contains just a little amount of the so-called whys of the dish called life and living. I just don’t get their recipe. I tried being in the shallow but I don’t get it perfectly. I always end up not undercooked but burnt. I thought being happy is a not a needle in the haystack, but it is. I don’t know why. I know I am slightly contented with “my fate” and I am happy but just not within.

hmm mmm?

2007-05-17T13:42:00.000+08:00

When i feel really ugly about a lot of things...including myself... i run. i dance. or when the going gets tough, i drink to it...ALONE.

I've gone tired of wallowing, sulking in darkness and drowning myself in deep shit which afterwards leave me nothing but more despair.

Laugh at me when I say, I found a new strategy. I recreate myself and think (or feel) I am a print ad model whenever I feel terribly low! Yea, I certainly do. Go on, laugh. i dont mind.

I just wanna feel the beauty in the ugly [me] (qouted from derelict.com).

here's what i've come up to, which is pretty much the same La fea. Well, and hopefully more.

Balerya Akes!

2007-05-09T16:11:00.000+08:00

Last night, I think I may have liberated myself too much which caused me to offend three people who I consider my super close friends for two and more years.

Like the usual, alcohol/liquor release me of inner tension and inhibitions. And I seem to loose control of the “what’s not”. But let me redeem myself first that I do not speak what’s on my mind very often, and I don’t like to argue but in the event that I think there’s something worth arguing then I do release my point of view where which I believe is in the stand point of what is correct.

My mouth can be pretty offensive sometimes with or without noticing that it hurts the person receiving it. I don’t know, but it seems I am just built that way. I rarely speak but when I do, here goes I offending people.

I needed to share a little background information of what’s going on between these three persons I offended in this post.

Janina, or Janet (nicknames we’ve been used to calling him) is my future self according to my friends and I. These jests of past and future selves revolve within the group of friends which I am recently a part of. Janet and Tita Lau are long time buddies, Tita Lau being Lee Jack’s future self. Now, Lee Jack and I are buddies for years and we’ve somehow been associated with each other that if I am not present and vice versa, people who knew us asks about the other’s whereabouts.

Anyway, the setting is Janina is refered to as my old self and Tita Lau as Lee Jack’s old self, where, alternatively I play Janina’s future self and Lee Jack projects Tita Lau’s future self. The association has become sensationalized because of some behavior similarities of us persons involved. I wouldn’t say I am similar to Janina in many ways but indeed I am similar within the limits where Janina stands in “the Tita Lau and Janina tandem”, as well as where Lee Jack stands in that tandem, too. Janina mocks. And Tita Lau mocks even better. Similarly, Lee Jack mocks way even better than Tita Lau while I stood just in the middle when in comes to mocking. For when I mock, it’s unconvincing.
And these form of mockeries to us friends would only mean jests, and of course, that a given, because almost everyone of us are filthy mockers of each other’s company, being offended is not in the equation.

But last night I think I have offended Janina. Everytime they mock me or he mock me to be particular is fun. I don’t get offended even if its way way below my belt. Afterall, such mockeries are just for fun anyway. Last night, mockeries where here there and everywhere and I do not exactly know where I fell short of going over the limits of what’s not fun anymore. And that is, to Janina’s end I may have gone overboard but I’m pretty sure about myself, though slightly intoxicated, that my mockeries are leveling and should not offend them or him. However, it’s safe to say I don’t know Janina that well. I don’t know what offends him.Last night I just felt I have offended him though he did not say anything. To say that I offended him shows that I am not good at “mocking” people because I felt a slight disappointment about myself that in order to appear comical I use the expense of some one else which by the way is how they (we) mock, in the expense of a certain someone. But let me make it clear that it’s not backstabbing because our form of ridicule in someone else expense is done face face with the involved individuals. Now, if I may have offended Janina in more ways than one, I apoplogize. But then, they or he shouldn’t get offended because that’s how we have fun.

I also think I offended DonDon. DonDon is in feud with someone within the group, Gani. Last night, we were talking about how Gani had beaten some other gay. That time DonDon hasn’t arrived yet. When he arrived, and after a few nonsense talks, the boyfriend of our friend asked Gani and at the same time pointing at DonDon’s direction if it was DonDon who Gani beat some years back. And I began jeering something offensive. I said “oh I love you” and then I stood up to clap hands with the guy who asked for sheer approval that I enjoyed his innocent inquiry. To my dismay, I didn’t realize that there was tension with how I reacted towards the immaculate inquiry because it may have appeared to DonDon that I have become rather provocative of starting yet another clash. Because I was in a mocking mode last night I didn’t realized DonDon walked out. Again, to appear somehow comical I unconsciously have used someone else’s expense. And I am gratefully sorry for doing such behavior. I haven’t apologized to DonDon yet and I know I must apologize as soon as possible, personally.

And lastly, I have offended my friend Lee Jack. Issa, a friend of ours, was sharing what’s going on between him and his boyfriend for six years. He said they are somehow on the rocks as of the moment, jealousy being one of its reasons. Then, Lee Jack told Issa in his kindest way that [Issa should] “start loving yourself”. That’s where it all began. That single statement “start loving your self” just didn’t appeal to me, in behalf of Issa. With my unsolicited opinion, I voiced out that it is somehow inapt to say that [ Issa should] start loving himself. That statement will insinuate that Issa didn’t love himself before. That’s where Lee Jack and I began arguing. Lee Jack was pointing out that Issa should start loving himself this time, ALONE. I asked Issa “did you not love your self before?” Issa answered he did love himself with his boyfriend. With his boyfriend, meaning, not alone, them, as one entity. And then Lee Jack said his statement is correct that [Issa should] start loving himself. Then I followed, ALONE. At that point the argument already has proved Lee Jack correct but still, as I can see and feel Issa is rather confused with what he is saying. And a questioned played in my mind that “if Issa loved himself with his boyfriend, then he really did not love himself ALONE before without his or a bf.” Even if he did not love himself without his or a bf, the statement still stands unappealing to me because it is very incorrect. Grammatically correct but the meaning would convey differently to someone who will hear it. My point is you can not NOT Love yourself that is why “start loving yourself” sounds very unappealing to me. If we’re going to define START which is synonymous to “begin”, it is defined as “to cause something to come into existence, to experience the first stage of something for the first time or after a period of not experiencing it… etc”. Now basing from the definition of start, if Issa did not love himself before ALONE (separately from his boyfriend and or as an individual with a bf or even without bf) then Lee Jack’s statement is correct which ever way we look at it. But if Issa did love himself Alone, as an individual, separately from the thought of “he loved himself WITH his bf (or together with his bf)”, then my friend’s statement is incorrect. Because, you can love yourself as an individual, apart from loving yourself just because you have a boyfriend. Now what if you don't have a boyfriend? Does that mean that you could not love yuorself just because a boyfriend is not present? That’s just not right.You still have to love yourself as you ALONE, separately even if you have a bf or do not have a bf. That is, you love you, you love your boyfriend and then you love you and your bf as one. To say that (you) “start loving yourself” is an insult to someone who I perceive as someone who deliberately loves himself as an individual. Since both Lee jack and I are opinionated on such discourse we didn’t arrived at an agreement to who is correct or not. Until I retorted something inconvenient that insulted my friend Lee Jack. I told him beginning with a certain disclaimer which is “no offense to you” followed by “[I am] advance in English/grammar than you do” It’s not the grammar that is incorrect actually, but the statement in reference to Issa’s well being.

Grammatically, his statement is correct only that the meaning it would imply to someone who listens such as I who, in reference to how and what I know of Issa, is inappropriate. Lee Jack honestly told me I insulted him, and I know I have insulted my friend but I did not intentionally nor deliberately wanted to insult him. I have no sarcasm when I said that. I innocently retorted a very offensive remark. I feel sorry I said such comment to end the discussion without knowing that I have insulted friend, which i really didnt mean of doing. I apologized to Lee jack right then and there but what I said somehow pierced him deeply. And I am really really really sorry for having said that, which I ultimately asked for his forgiveness several times. He said its ok, and he’s thankful that I showed him where he stands and that he knows now. As it appears to me, that reply sort of didn’t patch it up that soon. To read between the lines I could assume that he wants to back away from me for a while for dragging his intelligence to the pit. But I didn’t mean it that way. I know deep in my heart I have insulted my friend. And I am sooo deeply sorry. I honestly did not intend nor purposely insult him. Yet, as it appeared to him, I am insulting him.Period.

Only Issa then could prove or disprove in order for us to arrive at an agreement from that statement. As it appears to me, Issa was confused when he said "i love myself WITH my boyfriend". If Issa didn’t love himself before as a whole, ALONE, or separately from anyone elses (no bf and all) then my friend’s statement is correct. But if Issa did and does love himself even with or without his or a boyfriend then and now, then that statement is, by far, not wrong but rather inappropriate to be told.

I know I am right. Humor me if I am incorrect, and I accept. Underlying fallacies are in my statements, i know. and it may be a very emotive argument. But at that, it’s Issa who can only say that my rebuttals are incorrect for its him we are talking about with the proposotion whether or not did he love himself before ALONE notwithstanding or considering the fact of his true emotions about the love for his self.

I have a big mouth and I have been improper with my behavior although it’s sort of leveling with them mockeries. However, that is not who I am. I am the timid, quite, speechless, and whom they insinuate as crazy. I guess in the event that I speak my mind I always get overboard and shoot stray bullets hitting not-so-innocent people. And I hate it! To those three friends whom I have offended, I really am sorry. Very very sorry.

Summer in Jun--e

2007-04-20T13:28:00.000+08:00

Where shall I begin?

It’s been a while since I last blog about my monetary problems which actually does not ruin my life that much. In some ways it definitely give me head spinning thoughts when there is the need for it. In almost everyday, that is, there’s a need for it but thankfully little by little I am learning to live not needing it.

(More photos in my gallery)
It’s summer in the tropics, finally. And it’s damn hot. Terribly hot! And humid! In the past 2 weeks my friends and I went swimming in this – I don’t know what type of body of water it is called-- where the water is cold and is located in a remote place in a nearby town called Casugad in the municipality of Bula Camarines Sur. To get there is an hour or less motorcycle ride (or car, which would be faster) and will have to trek a rocky terrain to the brook (or spring it was called my friends told me recently). Brook or a pond the swimming area looks like, surrounded by forestry and ricefields. There’s this tropical plant they call “agol” of the coconut tree family used for landscaping and flower arrangements that grows wild in the area. Funny thing was, my gay friends who went there before has this code “mingga – agol” (which means “look for ‘agol’ shoots’, literally), that would mean to them and to the male locals to have quick sexual fun in the woods, similar to what we termed as “pamati” here in town. To cut it short, we swam and the local boys swam (to clean their genitalias of all in the days sweat..ewww) and afterwards Lee Jack and I were left behind in the swimming area while they all go to the woods and have their outdoor sexual adventure. Only if the boys were my type then I might have gone with them in the woods and experience it outdoor-bareback in the scorching heat beneath any tree shade. Hahaha. Anyway, had there been a hot guy there I wouldn’t have had the guts. I am too reserved to try something that kinky. Although I have fantasies doing it outdoor myself!!

And there’s only one guy I have in mind experiencing it with, especially with love and lust combined…

Jun….

But unfortunately will just be in the confines of my dreams. As it occur to me now now that I mentioned of Jun, it is in this same tropical sunshiny season back in 95 that I met and fell for him.

His grandpa, who is a very distant relative of my grandmother, died last week. Because of that, Jun was in town two days ago. To my delight, we spent a few hours of being together with bottles of liquor, as usual, along with his neighbors. We weren’t talking, we were texting even if he was just in front of me.

Sweet.

But the exchange was more of clowning and teasing and lightheartedly telling him how I still feel about him. That kind of approach was, according to him, comical because in some ways he kind of forgets his dilemmas. I suppose his mourning is one of them. To me, it is kind of exceptionally perverse because my affections towards him make me forget the reason why he is in town and why I was there: to mourn with him and his family. Haassssshhhhhh! And yes, the stealing of glances is never to be forgotten. How can I help not to, he’s way too hot for my eyes. Then I was drunk.

It’s been years…decades…and he still gives me the same effects as he does when we were very young. He is my first love. One of the unreciprocated loves I had. The kind of loving that often occurs my way.

I still can’t understand why can’t I fully let go!

I (guess) I still love him more than anyone, only that him being straight and me being gay, all we can be is friends and distant cousins.

Terrible! Because when I see him and the more I see him, the more it makes me want to want him. And when I don’t see him the more he runs in mind and thoughts of wanting to struggle determinedly to win him, whatever it takes, flows freely. Of course, loco de amor that I am with him and still keeping my sanity in tack even if I am taking Xanor, I cannot do what my wild imagination is telling me to do.

And when in my solitary confinements and or trying to ease such longing none of the very few people I get attracted to could surpass how Jun affected my life.

So then it must be true, first love never dies.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remembered just this instant. He celebrated his birthday last 17th. I was with him that fucking night!!! Why in the world did I forget to greet him?! Anyways, it would be awkward to say “happy” birthday when he and his family are mourning. But I must send him text message right now.
April 19 4:37pm

MoOLah

2007-04-06T01:47:00.000+08:00

Its hard to imagine how everything these days often involves money! I hate the thought that almost everything involves moolah! and without it you can't move. you can't go anywhere. you can't survive!

I must say, its a hard life to live without some colorful "valued" paper and a few metallic silver things that say ka-chiing when you group them together in your hands. I can feel the hard life without any penny in my pocket. Not even a "pisong duling" as we call it in our native slang is in my pocket.

Apart from the impression that people I call friends and acquaintances think I am rich, well-off and...well...basically just dont have any problems with money, they're so wrong. I am soo full of problems when it comes to money. If I make a list of what troubles me which involves a money I guess i'll fill up the whole page of a bond paper or even have another page to list excesses. I guess that impression is just based on what they perceive: i live in a big house, I have knowledge of things because I was able to go to school, I speak kind of ok, I know some stuffs about high end gadgets...or let's just say i carry myself just fine wherein people think I am just not having any problems with money.

To tell you honestly, our household is seemingly almost always short of budget. I dont know where the money is going to. Of course we have a lot of expenses for so many of us from so little income but I just dont know where it is going to. Sometimes my grandma who does all the budgeting fails to pay electric, water bills, we fall short of toiletries, and even the little fancy things we need for ourselves we cannot afford! If I am going to think about it, the household income is kind of enough for everything but it just so happens that everything is just not enough.

Anyway...it just is very tiring to think of. I wanted to get a job! The problem is there's no job available for me in this little town. No wonder everyone is suffering from being unemployed in this town and the loneliness of going away just to find greener pastures. i wish I could go away to look for greener pastures myself. Yet...the question is, am I ready? Am i ready to go away? Am i ready physically? Am I ready to be separated from people I live my whole life with. And most of all, is my health capable of taking me places?

Money... where are you? Why can't you just fill my room so i'll have no problem living my life.

I still can't figure out why everything often involves money. Even little things like going out with friends, dating, going places, eteceteras involves this semi evil thing called money.

No wonder I havent explored even the cheapest nearby hotspots this town has to offer and no wonder I am still single, not dating, because I have no single penny to spend.

Again

2007-04-03T10:03:00.000+08:00

So I started going out, hanging out, wasting time…again…after a month of relaxing at home and recuperating a disorder which had no name.

But I needed the doctor’s assurance and permission if I could go back to my regular activities. And by regular activities I meant going out, hanging out, wasting time, getting drunk, smoking my lungs out, feasting my eyes on good looking to a …well…not so good looking boys (since there’s not much cute guys around town hehehe), and sleeping when the sun is almost rising.

Joke!

I can’t sleep late (but started sleeping late again 3 days ago…shit!). I can’t smoke (but began smoking again,fuck!), but I can drink alcohol a few times except gin which happens to be a favorite. Sadly. My neurologist slash psychiatrist told me to regulate my drinking, and to not take any of my medication if I intended to drink, however. But with my friends…drinking is not something we plan ahead of time. Once we get together, we suddenly fall on to having a bottle do the rounds.

Anyway, I had a follow check up on March 27th with the neurologist who attended to me when I was hospitalized. I knew he was a neurologist, yes, but I didn’t know he also is a doctor of psychiatry. Looking for his name at the center’s directory I couldn’t believe my eyes when it read:

Raymund I. Gacias M.D., F.P.N.A.
Neurology – Psychiatry

I am crazy. I started to laugh.

What am I going to do with a psychiatrist?

And so, I have the same diagnosis I had with myself. I have some form of neuralgia. He did a few familiar physical tests, interviewed, and conversed with me. Finally he gave me same medications except myonal. He also gave me this discount card (since it costs quite expensive for a no income generating individual like me) for neurontin since I’ll be taking that until I see no signs of this symptom I still feel from time to time. And if it worsens like suddenly loose motor control I’ll have MRI done and perhaps decide what to do with me from then. I hope that does not happen. I will also still have to take Xanor when I have to since the doctor said I have the tendency to overreact to certain symptoms, thus, anxiety. And I guess he is right. Whenever I feel something strange there I go flipping pages of several medical books in the shelf. As a matter of fact all of the references I scan and read during the past month have been stacked still in my bedroom floor.

The problem with xanor is that it’s not always available. My earlier prescription is out of date already and I only have purchased 2. Yesterday I was to buy at least 4 pills just in case I need to calm myself and again it was not available.

When I spoke with Dr. Gacias about my concern why I’m taking Xanor and the possibility of getting hooked, he told me to control myself not to get addicted. But I have the possibility to do so since I was hooked to smoking for several years and quitting was damn hard. He was to issue me a non-addictive anti anxiety drug which I can take daily but the price is a pain in the pocket. So I said Xanor will be ok. I’m not taking it anyway. I still have that 2 pills I bought

I am ok as far as I know. I still feel the tingling at times. I started to feel it again yesterday and right now but I am less worried. Or should I? I could but I have to try a different approach to this rather than worry and kill myself with that.

hey, you've got mail!

2007-03-20T16:29:00.000+08:00

*sheesh! goosebumps oh my freakin gawd!*

I was one of those who believed that love in the worldwideweb is possible.

WAS.

When I was introduced to the web in 1997 and breeze my way on MTV chatroom, MiRC, and later on yahoo messenger in 1998, I had this full idealism that yes, I certainly can find love online.

I was wrong.

Or…

Maybe….

I had a whirlwind of emotions everytime I get to know somebody online; and then we click, hence, had several online love affairs one after the other. Can you believe it if I say I have cried to some of them for not being able to be with them personally? Crazy, I know. But that was all in the past. I have managed to learn and deal with the fact that even if love is possible to some people online, it would also be equally not possible to some (of us).

Yet…

Sometimes there just comes a time when you feel a certain attraction to someone you haven’t even met personally, only through webcams. And then the hoping that the “you’ve got mail” love affair kind of thing will be possible this time around.

I’ve met...

In some dating/hook-up site I am a member of. When I read and saw the picture in his profile the love arrow shot my heart immensely, or something to that effect. We managed to chat for quite some time and my attraction (or should I say lust, whichever it is I am not sure) seemed to grow even more. Again, crazy, I know.

I cannot describe what I feel towards druglord (his name in that dating site). I kinda feel a certain jealousy towards something or someone I do not know. I get agitated when I saw him online and never IM me. I don’t wanna be even more obvious that I like him if it will always be me who initiates the messaging. Now, again, crazy I know: Me, posting a post like this is more than obvious that I do have the “hots” for him.

*sigh*

Such an attraction I cannot describe...La la la la la la la la la means…. I am crazy. LOL

This thing called love (or courtship) is the game I am not good at. I have never won anyone’s heart. And for some lame reason, I loose any interest if I sense something like “I am nice how can I tell you to back off me, you’re just not my type” or something like “I like you so let’s just jerk off on cam and then forget all about it” and as well as in real life scenarios actions are even more lucid and easy to tell if they like you or otherwise. Getting that kind of vibe from the subjects of my affection, such intense interest just slowly die down. I just am not persistent to sell me to them, if I may say so.

When I like someone, I just know I like them and I mean every word I say when I tell them I like them. I am very upfront when it comes to liking some one and telling them what I feel. And then, after I do tell them that, it’s their turn to tell me if what I feel for them is similar or not. May take time, I know but whatever the response is, either way I am ok with that. Yet, sometimes, people I have liken just ignore what I said while trying to be nice while others completely ignore me, still nice, and then poof (it became koko krunch! Heheh) they just stop talking and vanish. And THAT, is not ok. I would be left there hanging. Silly me for hanging. These scenarios I am saying are either online or in real life, but real life situations are rare because I rarely meet with people around my area and courtship face to face is just damn hard.

Anyway, with him (druglord), I think and I am sure I like him. But it’s hard to COMPETE with people he already has been with, if there were any. Or just say, competition or winning isn’t just my game. When I forwarded the message to them, I hold on for their answers while I do my thing but when the time has come that the holding on seems long enough and when I feel that I have some competition to go through, then I guess I just move a step backward, turn my back…then leave. I am a passive lover… or say, suitor. Maybe, when I win someone is the time I become active. That type of scene, I think has been evident with my online relationship with druglord.

Oh well, love!love!love! What a feeling! Oh, I am not in love right now, just to set the record straight (even if I am gay.. har har har). I am rather, say, infatuated (?) or steadfastly attracted with druglord.

So there, need I say more? I am sure you’re reading this. I am also unsure of this but for the heck of it, I am here…waiting for what you will have to say, either way is ok. It’s a deal or no deal kind of thing but no pressure. Hehehehe, We can still be friends (with benefits? Heheheh) if the answer is no.

(photo captured this afternoon while we chat.)

--------------------------------------------------
if there's such a thing as love salesmanship, this is my sales speech (this is not my original composition):

I am not a good lover...
I mess up...
I start fights...
I easily get jealous.
But there are 3 things I like about myself:
I don't play.
I give my all,
and I love deeply.

Baaaaaahhhhh!!

*sheesh! goosebumps oh my freakin gawd!*

this is not stroke and I hope nothing serious

2007-03-20T13:16:00.000+08:00

I cannot die. I mean, I don’t wanna die…yet.

Well, I don’t know. How would I know if I am dying or not? Death is one of those events that just come around when ever it is time. But please, God have mercy, be this not my time yet. I wanna live longer and age gracefully.

Like I said in my older post, I am worried about my health. How ever worried I become, I will not have the peace that I needed as long as I feel this sensation that tells me, something is wrong inside my body.

A week after I got out of the hospital I was feeling ok. A week later, here comes the same feeling I felt before I was hospitalized....this time I did have a little understanding of what may this be. It is not TIA or mini/mild stroke. I believe my neurologist. However, this is something still undiagnosed. Sure they said I had anxiety attack because of this tingling, burning, numbing like sensation I feel on the right side of my face (not the entire right side but there are areas on that side where the feeling is most felt), who wouldn’t? It is just damn alarming!

I made a little research on this, again, even if my attending neurologist told me not to read medical books whenever I feel something unusual. But I cannot help it. I have this urge to know and understand what is this that I am feeling, afterall, it is I who is feeling something. I started my research on the medicine that I was given: Neurontin. Neurontin is for shingles, seizures and neuralgia which to me sound all foreign. When I further my readings on neuralgia I understood why was I given that medication. I believe the doctor thinks (altho not mentioned to me) I am having some Atypical (Trigeminal) Neuralgia. To which I will not rebut for because from my understanding also, it might be possible. Of course, the doctor knows better than I do. According to wikepedia:

Atypical (Trigeminal) Neuralgia

The symptoms of atypical neuralgia (ATN) tend to be vague and misleading. This may be the most misdiagnosed form of neuralgia. The symptoms can be mistaken for migraines, dental problems such as TMJ, musculoskeletal issues, and hypochondriasis. This form of neuralgia is extremely rare, thus also contributing to the misdiagnosis. ATN can have a wide range of symptoms and the pain can fluctuate in intensity from mild aching to a crushing or burning sensation, and also to the extreme pain experienced with the more common trigeminal neuralgia.

The pain from ATN is usually less than that of trigeminal neuralgia, but is nearly continuous and periods of remission are rare. This form can also cause pain in the back of the scalp and neck.

Many attempts have been made to link ATN with psychological issues, though modern studies have shown no link. Theories have suggested that infections of the teeth or sinuses, vascular compression, physical trauma, or past viral infections could be a cause. Evidence thus far seems to be anecdotal. Another interesting aspect is that this form affects men and women equally, unlike the trigeminal neuralgia, which is much more common in women than men.

The description seems agreeable to me from what I am actually feeling. I could say this can be a musculoskeletal issue because of the pain on my shoulder. Apparently, I know the doctor did his initial diagnosis and was...well...unsure, yet, still, even if this could be atypical (Trigeminal) neuralgia upon research (or other things)... I am still not at peace because there's no exact, hard copy evidence of this malady.

Since I am the one feeling it, I suspect this recurring numbing, tingling, burning feeling on some areas of my right face has something to do with the gripping-pinching-blocking sensation every time I look up and bend my nape. When I do that, it radiates a numbing-blocking like feeling on my upper right back shoulder all the way to my biceps and arm, thus, a musculoskelatal issue, and perhaps affected my trigeminal nerve (from too much lifting of weights which I've done before I felt this). I am thinking, there must be something that is blocking my nerve on that area or it could have been stretched too much or is pinched or something like that.

From the reads I have googled, this indeed could be other things as well which I will not mention because it will just scare me all the way. One thing though, as many of the people close by/to me tells me, this could also be an after effect of the accident I have been through more than a year ago. It is hard to believe that it might be that because I was conscious after I was hit by that damn vehicle.

My suspicion could be correct or not, or worse, this could be something else. Of course to be alarmed is inevitable because this could paralyze me or something if I do not do something with the help of a doctor to relieve it. I try not to think about this as much but you see, when I feel it and become discomforting I could not help but worry.

Yesterday, I woke up early to start my day with a jog. Even if I still feel the recurring sensation I decided to work out and start my day with sweat. I jog and walked around the lawn of the old house we had. I cannot jog around the neighborhood because stray dogs will surely run after me. My early morning exercise was nice but it didn’t relieve me of the discomforting tingling sensation.

I am paranoid! My sister is even complaining that never in a day since I felt this has she not heard me say anything but my worry, day in day out! I know its sickening on my sister’s part or my folks because, well, I am just worried sick! And a little scared. Though, I just try to act normally as possible since other that that, I am feeling ok. My blood pressure which I check regularly is ok. Just this little numbing…and I feel it right now as I write this.

I haven’t done much in this world. I haven’t proved anything. I haven’t accomplished anything and haven’t lived my life the way God wants me to live it. i haven't found my love. I haven’t gone out of the country and haven’t fulfilled my ultimate goal in life (which by all means I have not yet known). That is why I am trying to fight this paranoia if this is it. Whatever this is, until diagnosed correctly, will be something that will still alarm me.

Yes, I am not ready to die. I cannot die. Lord, I don’t wanna die…yet. Please.

oh shoot, i'm feeling really bad, seriously, like that feeling i felt when i was brought to the hospital...will try to keep it cool. *deep breath*

Pining

2007-03-16T16:10:00.000+08:00

Pining fascinates me lately. If you watch "her" on Studio 23 during supper time (around 7pm) you'd understand my intense fascination with this ugly-funny looking puppet with a voice over similar to that of Inday Garutay. She's annoyingly entertaining and I would love to see her everyday to entertain me, if I only could.

We have limited entertaining pleasure in this house. We have two television and one is in my room. Our TV is working through the old school way: antennae. We used to have cable but after the typhoon last year, my folks decided not to bring the cable subscription back. Sadly. The television in my room is only used when I wanted to watch DVD, no antennae, only the TV in the living room.

I dont watch that much television after we lost our cable connection. Having only 4 channels (RPN9, GMA7, ABS-CBN and Studio23), and always on ABS-CBN because my grandparents has this endless fascination watching the "big time trio" especially WOWOWEE, to Inosenti de ti, to late afternoon teleseryes up to Primetime Bida! I mean, how can I have the TV to myself when I cannot even change the channel to see my beloved Pining? For instance, when they're eating supper and I was left in the living room I would change the channel to Studio 23 to see Pining. But when they see Pining's frantic, ugly, boisterous, blabbing big mouth they often would say why am I enjoying this ugly looking shit! Of course they laugh at times seeing her. Who wouldn't? Look at her, she is so funny. And i love her! Hahahaha

Anyway, I only was introduced to Pining recently. I didnt even know she existed on previous PBB shows because I don't watch Studio23 when we had cable. Last night on PBB's secret housemate eviction night, I wonder how fun it would be to see Pining live together with Toni, Mariel and Bianca. It would be a riot, you know. ;-)

(pictures are grabbed from Studio 23 and Pining's Friendster respectively.)

my health...

2007-03-12T02:38:00.000+08:00

I am worried about my health.

I was taken to the hospital last Wednesday evening. Days before that I have been complaining about some numbness I feel on my right arm during the first day and half of my face the next day. It was not numb – numb cause I still feel something. It feels like some sprain or something. On the 23rd last month (My grandpa’s birthday as well) I went to see a neurologist for fear that what I am feeling might be TIA (transient ischemic attack) or bells palsy or something’s wrong with my upper back due to weight lifting.

The doctor told me I had a mild stroke attack. Damn it scared me!

I was given 3 kinds of medication: antithrombotic pills, aspirin and vitamin B complex. The doctor also told me to monitor my blood pressure and that if I feel something different I should go to the hospital right away. He also requested for my blood chemistry (lipid profile, etc.)

Last Wednesday morning I had my blood chem. checked. Everything was normal except for my cholesterol level which shows a little bit high from the reference level. That night I felt something different. I cannot describe what it was. I just felt terribly different.

At the emergency room my blood pressure was taken. 130/90 – kind of normal. ECG was performed which was normal according to the heart doctor (who was my attending physician) who told me later on. I was on dextrose. I was given some pills for anti nerve breakage as well as liquid shots. I was very scared that night although I was trying to act normal. I was conversing with the nurse about what he is doing, asking him questions about every steps that he is doing to ease me.. My heart beated quite normal, not fast but I was uneasy.

My friends came to the hospital. And they stayed there till 3 in the morning.

While there, I was worried sick! The attending physician performed her regular check on me and asks me stuffs. She added a pill that I should take to lower my cholesterol even if it wasn’t that high. She told me she’ll request for a neurologist’s assistance regarding my answers to her about the earlier symptoms. I spoke to the neurologist when he visited me. His impression was not TIA because he said I was young to have TIA and the symptoms I was experiencing does not necessarily suggest TIA. The neurologist who attended to me that time was in fact a reliever. He was a short, fair skinned middle age guy, cute and jolly, which, much to my relief eased my worrying mind. He performed basic check ups neurologist do. He asked me to press his hands very tight, walk, among other things. The same thing the earlier neurologist performed. Until he said he needed some x rays of my cervical area because I told him also that when I look up, the numbness sprained like feeling radiates through my right arm everytime I do that. He said the x ray result will tell if I should talk to another kind of doctor and release me from the hospital. He also suggested I stop taking the aspirin and the antithrombotic pill. He gave me new set of pills: neurontin, myonal, and xanor (which I have to take when needed). He also asked me to stop the cholesterol pill and just diet.

I stayed at the hospital till Saturday.

I wasn’t feeling any “numbness” on my face although I still feel the radiating sprain like feeling on my right arm. Since everything was normal: my blood pressure, x ray, and I was quite feeling normal, the heart doctor told me I was for discharge and continue with the pills the neurologist prescribed.

I am going to take the pills whole of this month. You know what I found out about the pills I’m taking? Neurontin is used to treat seizure and some pains not necessarily mentioned what type of pain. Myonal for skeletal and vascular muscles and Xanor for anti anxiety anti depression.

I don’t know what my malady was, or is. I don’t know why I am taking these pills. I just have to follow what the doctors said although I’m concerned about why I’m taking them. And guess what was written on my medical report my mom told me? My malady was tagged general anxiety disorder!! Now am I crazy or what?

I know what I felt and yes sometimes whatever we feel physically may be something psychosomatic but I don’t know what I will be anxious about to lead to an effect such as that emergency.

Anyway…

I have forgotten I am no longer the way that I am: youthful physically. I have implants inside my leg bone when it was broken from the accident. I can’t help but think sometimes there must be something going on with that…and I hope not bad. One of these days I have to visit my orthopedic surgeon to have it checked up.

Kisses

2007-02-16T16:39:00.000+08:00

After 3 long years or so, I had a very nice, wet, and lustful lip locking with someone. Hehehehe. I am a sucker when it comes to kisses. There is something about a kiss that I just can’t say no to. Of course it has to be with someone I like.

Anyway, last night or make that hours ago, I was drunk…again…and because of the evil liquid I was able to crossover from the idealistic “I” to the if-you-cant-beat-‘em-join-‘em me. When not tanked-up I cannot do such lusty demeanor. I have these thoughts of resisting people of my kind do(even if I wanted to try doing it). I would say, no to things “normal” to them. Or I would just not agree to what they call norms gay people have.

So what are the norms anyway? I’ve been watching Queer as Folk series on dvd and its making me understand what “seemed” normal to gay men but not thoroughly agree with. Humor me if my understanding is incorrect for I’ve realized I am as confused a gay man as I was when I was in high school. I grew up in an environment where gay people are not really accepted. Thankfully, my family is ok with it so there was nothing in my memory that I was humiliated, beaten, or disowned because I am gay. I never did say I was gay to them. They somehow suspected it and filled me up that, yea, I was gay. It was like, a self fulfilling prophecy already because they think I’m gay, told me in jests of my gay ways and filled me up with my being gay but did not tolerate me to be what generally is gay. Even though I know deep inside I am queer I never talked openly about it until college, not even to my friends. Family and friends still think I can be straight, even people who don’t know me. But I’m gay and I can never be straight. The thing is I don’t know how to be gay (except on the sexual department, I very well do know that, thank you very much!)

Thanks to Queer as Folk. It’s giving me understanding of what gay life has. There are some things I don’t agree to though, but nevertheless say should not be done by a gay man. It’s a case to case basis.

Id like to point out what heterosexuals think of a gay man, sourced from the series and from real people who thinks oddly of a gay person. Certainly enough, we are odd people. I don’t know why, but for a few straight people, we are odd beings and I agree. What I do not agree to is to most heteros gay men are lustful. Butt-fuckers. Cock suckers. Party goers. Drug users. Pedophiles. Leather. BSDM. Perverts. Or just simply put, worship sex! (who doesn’t?) we are labeled, stereotyped that once gay, they’re the weaker ones, bad influence, evil doers, sex perverts and the bad impressions goes on and on. Our oddities are very well not by being that.

As Debbie would say in the series, they need enlightenment. Not every gay man is like that, generally NOT LIKE THAT! I don’t know where they get the idea that we gay men are such fucking losers and generalize that as a universal notion that once gay will always be…of bad character. Of course, there are gay perverts who candidly flaunt they’re evilness and us “normal” gay men will suffer from pejoratives.

What I don’t understand is that, it is seemingly normal for gay men to be promiscuous. Even in a relationship, they still would look for fucks. Can they not just stick to one guy, one fuck? Is that normal? In the general female-straight point of view, having too many casual fucks when in a relationship is not normal. In the general male-straight point of view, casual fucks are case to case basis, not entirely normal but there are situations when there is a need for it (I cant believe I am saying this!). Men generally are polygamous. I am getting convinced that gay men are not females in male bodies but they are males who just like males and still posses the qualities a straight male have. Being polygamous is one. So need I say more?

This kind of topic about “what is a gay man?” “what is normal to a gay man?” “what should a gay man do?” calls for advert discussion. I still do not highly suggest I am in agreement to what seems normal for almost all gay men. Call me a deviant (or a lesbian!) but still I have my ideals that I need to prove and disprove.

Anyway… I am getting confused than ever!

The guy I kissed is someone I like. My inhibitions for flirting with him finally were broken down by the alcohol, was way way broken by that.

When I woke up earlier, I was grunting. I couldn’t imagine myself lip locking on the street in front of friends and God knows who else at 3am!! That’s why I was grunting heavily. I don’t think I can do that sober.

That’s why at times I abhor drinking. It make me do things, say things I don’t normally say but think of. But when its there,whew! I drink it up! Then the uncontrollable me goes, doing the nastiest things I will regret when the intoxication wears out! The kisses, though, this time, I don’t regret. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time. I only regret doing it on the street, in front of friends and God knows who else!! Hahahahaha.

And as regards to my ideals? Kissing someone last night several times in several places makes me wanna agree to the normal ways most of my homosexual friends do…men hop; and accept the fact that there are gay hoppers. The guy I kissed was one gayhopper, too, I believe, not sure though. And I hope not! However, its just one kiss (done several times) with one guy I like nevertheless do not desire. I’m keeping my principle until proven incorrect that I will not join “em because I will beat ‘em.

yeah, by the way, Belated Happy Valentines Day! (i dont celebrate it, fyi)

GayHopping

2007-02-08T01:52:00.000+08:00

I saw this guy tonight, my neighbor, backriding on a motorcycle with someone obviously gay.

I sent my friend SMS which has this text:

haaayy... Men these days?! Is gayhopping the trend now?

He replied:

Super!

:-)

Gayhoppers February 09, 2007

Alright, so men these days are fond of “gayhopping”. What do I mean by that? Well, during the past weeks a friend of mine, DonDon, had a whirlwind of a romance. At 3 in the morning he would SMS Lee Jack and I if he could spend sometime with us. And of course, a friend that we are, we will agree. Then, he would spend till dusk crying over a break up. Lee Jack and I would console him. Lee Jack with his effortless ways will then make him break from crying to sudden laughter of his amusing tag lines.

What caused the break up? Another close friend of us purposely told the guy to break up with DonDon. The guy did so just like that. Then, this friend of ours, Issa, became the guy’s new boyfriend. Actually, Issa intended nothing but to teach someone a lesson. As it were, lessons were not learned but realizations about men are gained.

DonDon, is a good friend. However, he has attitudes we cannot bear! We secretly call him “Americana”, “ka-feeling”, “mayaman” and the name calling just is too many to mention. From the word “ka-feeling”, everything else follows. He thinks, (or maybe we think) that he is…well…how do I say this nicely…rich, or lets just say to sum everything up, He, DonDon is so pretentious. He projects a personality, a status quo, a lifestyle that he doesn’t possess. And so, people who don’t know him would think he is somebody who he is not, really. Aside from that, his “ka-feelingan” (or arrogance) exudes. He then becomes a laughing matter of everyone when he is not around because of his fascination of illustrating somebody who he is not. I feel sorry for him not realizing that. We don’t have the guts to tell him that what he is doing is not going to do him good. In our circle of friends they would say “why can’t he just be what he truly is”, why can’t he just accept the truth about his life rather than telling everyone tales about his lifestyle”. In retaliation to that, I would like to quote some friends who heard DOnDOn say this: “…gumibo man kamo sa sadiri ninyong pelikula” (make yourself your own movie). That’s what DonDon thinks. He is making a hell of a movie out of his fantasies, deliberately masking his true self. Well, that would contradict if his true self is already what he is as he is right now. But, that is not the true life he has “off camera”.

Anyway, men these days are gayhopping. That guy, whom Issa asked to break up with DonDon, became Issa’s boyfriend for a month. Issa dumped him a few days ago because the so called relationship is actually just a show to Issa and of course the guy, Miko, is among the many guys of Nabua who is just “gayhopping”. Before the “break up”, he asked for Lee Jack’s number from me, which I did not give. And the other night, DonDon told me Miko is trying to get hold of Lee Jack’s number from his phone. He plans to hop to him next, which, let me say for I know my buddy to well, no man can ever make or break Lee Jack.

Miko is a sweet teenager. But his sweetness is as bitter as his strategy for luring gays. Now if you’re the type of gay who likes being enticed by sweet words, sweet actions, or anything romantic you’ll fall for Miko. He knows how to make a gay man fall in his trap. And any soft hearted gay who fell for him will be in loved not noticing that the one he fell so in love with is using him and/or is still flirting with other gay individuals using his same bittersweet strategy. Miko did the same strategy to me and in the on set of his devilish intentions I impeded his ulterior motives. Men like him can’t fool me…rather, no man can fool me.

A number of straight men who fool around with gay individuals in Nabua or where else in the province is quite large in number. Some of them are very obvious while some are discretely playing with gay men. And this is a fact, these gay men who fell for this kind of men are buying their love, their time, and, worse, to get laid. Let me point this fact: for as low as 50 pesos (or US $1) you can have a fantastic sex with a not so good looking guy but, to quote my friends: it (the act) or He is “tsalap!”, a “performer” or to put it candidly “damn, he fuck real good!” In terms of “libarda” (Libog in Filipino or “horny” in English slang), some of my gay friends would just opt for that. They at times are generous. When the performance is good, they give out as much as 200 pesos (and an added bonus if the guy is a catch). That is cheap if I am going to think of it, but that is a whole lot of expenditure for a fucking one night stand! Sometimes, there are guys who needed a drink before they could mess around. One friend told us the other night, he spent 2000 pesos on drinks. He didn’t even get fucked because the guy is already drunk!

Even one intelligent gay guy I know who fell in love, I have to say is buying that guys love. In this town particularly, to get a “jowa” (boyfriend) you have to make them like you with “dusay” (giving him stuffs, financial or otherwise). My older gay friends who have been in the “service” for years say it is normal for gays to make “dusay”. I will agree somehow, but to make “dusay” as much as how much can be, or make “dusay” very mundane to a gay mans life…now that is another story. Giving small gifts, sharing prepaid load are little things but sometimes these guys are abusive and will loot you. I wonder why most gays tolerate that. I obviously do not understand, that is why maybe, I am still single until now. I will not buy love from someone. I can give little gifts but I will not make money as the source of (or to receive) “love” from someone! This brings me back to my friend DOnDon. He creates an image of a well off individual, thus, attract men. And he likes that. What he doesn’t know is these people whom he lures with his “illusive affluence” are just using him to gain from his illusive affluence. This by the way is very funny because, both of them are in a circle of a lie that both parties are not aware of.

My neighbor whom I saw last night is one gay-hopper. I do know he plays around sexually with gay men occasionally but I didn’t know that he gay hops. One night he is with someone then with another the next day (although he might not be having sex with some of them though). However, I am acquainted to most gays in town and they say he is a good fuck. Miko, as well, is a gay hopper. And there are a lot of gay-hopping men in this town. I know them by face. And please, don’t ever plan to hop my way, you wont get anything.

If only I can take a picture of every “gay hoppers” and post them on this blog. I would like to do that (but not in my intentions to expose them or embarrass them) but I am sure, if someone in town who chanced by on this blog, recognize them, will tell everyone about such a post. That might cause me harm. Hehehehe.

Kailangan ko lang magUpDaTe! (I just needed to Update)

2007-01-31T16:31:00.000+08:00

After the New Year, here comes Valentine! I can’t imagine how fast the days pass. It seems like we have just celebrated the New Year a week ago….

Then here I am haven’t changed much…only in size and weight, which I am trying to loose.

I haven’t blog in the past weeks (obviously) because, honestly, I am not in the mood to write anything, think of anything or even feel anything. I grow numb. All because I don’t know what to do, how to go about what I don’t know what to do and where to go to see what is it that I want to do and how to go about it. Simply put, even if I have set my goals for this year…I am lost.

My plan for this year is to go abroad and hopefully find a job there. My sister is going to help me on that. I needed to go away, even if I don’t want to. Maybe, it’s just the way that it is, you know. I have been looking too closely at my life for the past year, and I think I needed to step backwards for a while to look at the bigger picture. Like a painting. To understand what the picture is about, we have to take a few steps backward and see the whole of it. Maybe that is what I needed to do. Because, you see, until now…I am adding age, I still don’t know what to do with this God given graces.

The love that is overflowing around me which I mistake for something…uhmm…well a mistake…uhmm…often sets me off board. Here, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what love is. I think I feel it but I am not sure if I really know it. That is one among the many graces which are God-given that I cannot handle, really, but wanted.

Sigh.

I am in love. But I don’t know to whom am I in love with.

There’s this one person though only that it is nothing to hope for.

So anyway, I just am not in the mood to recollect everything. I just thought I needed to update and say something. I am not preparing my self for the “love month”, too, though, if this post sounds like it. Hahaha.

So, that is all for now.

Welcome 2007!

2007-01-07T19:39:00.000+08:00

The last quarter of 2005 and the year 2006 was the turning point of my life. September of 2005 hit me with realizations after almost causing me to loose my life. Having said that it’s the turning “point of my life”, literally speaking of it would mean I only have another 26 years to live. If that is so, I’ll be gone in this beautiful world when I age 52. Some of my old friends came home on vacation for the holidays and aging is one of the things we talked about. I told them that I do want to reach 80 to 100 years old.

This year I must come up with all the best to fully live a better life.

On my part, doing so seems to have a lot of baggage to let go and to carry.

When midnight strikes on the last day of 2006, I was teary eyed as I watch my family light up fireworks and make noise as they welcome the New Year. A lot of events flashed back in my mind as well as foresaw what can happen in the days forward. Honestly, I do not have a good vibe of this year. I am scared of what can happen. But as it will be, I have to prepare myself for everything that may come my way, good or bad.

I’d like to randomly look back from the day I almost loose the ability to exist and determine what have I done that has made me as me today:

On September 9 2005 I was hit by a vehicle and broke my leg.

after 3 long hours of operation

I wasn’t scared when that happened. I even asked the doctor if I will loose my leg, to which he didn’t answer. Gladly it was still there when I woke up after three long hours of operation. I’d like to think I was strong but I was scared thinking of what may come next. I did cry at nights while at the hospital. I cried for what the future beholds and for the things I thought I have lost. Two weeks at the hospital was the longest time I have ever spent thinking about my life.

Recuperating was fun. I didn’t have a regular physical therapy but it was fun, however tedious. The doctor advised me to do my therapy actively. Since my sister and my cousin are physical therapist, they assisted me from time to time but everything was on my own. Many times I just lay down, not exercising my leg but thinking. Doing so took me 10 months to fully able to walk without any assistance which would have been shorter if I religiously followed the regimen. Visits to my orthopedic doctor usually would get me nervous. Each x-rays (shown in my previous post) illustrate nonunion of my bones. I almost gave up each visit. Thankfully, with God’s mercy, September 2006 was my last visit.

I prayed to God to make me walk before my birthday, he granted me that. I prayed to God to be able to at least make me run a little bit before December, again, the Lord so kind, he granted me that. I am guilt stricken as I look back because I was never that good to God after all that he has done to give me this second chance to live.

In those months, I realized how good God is, that He is there to guide and help us. You will not believe me, but I got my strength on Him during those days. Comforting words from people who care doesn’t really comfort me at all…Yes, I am sorry to have said that. It makes me think you guys pity me as much as I pity myself during the ordeal. But Thank You! Those were appreciated as much as I could. The thought that you guys never left me and was there for me is what matters. This one HUGE THANK YOU is especially for Lee Jack. How can I ever repay you for being there always…. Someday, diday, I will. You proved yourself to be a good person, to me and to God, even if you are the annoying person to some people. I am lucky to have you.

THANK YOU, diday

Late last year, my sister left for Dubai, which, I’d like to think is a good thing. There was an unfortunate thing that happened to her: She had her right hand burned. And on September! We wouldn’t want to think September becomes an unlucky month for us, but we have to be extra cautious (us siblings) when September comes.

2006 I get the chance to be close to few good people. There’s Raymond also known as Issa,

Lauriano also known as tita lau

and Richard also known as dondon or donita, as well as a few acquaintances.

I don’t have enemies but 2006 had given me one. I wouldn’t think Marlino is an enemy but as it was, maybe he thinks of me as his enemy. So, to grant him that, he is then an enemy. However sad it was, he played a little part of my 2006.

this is Marlino, the fish

I have made a short virtual love affair with someone. Kevin, a neighbor, added a little spice to the boring life I have had that year.

But the highlight of 2006 was two people. Mardie, whom, I haven’t mentioned anything of in any of my posts.
Mardie

And Vicente, who was just in time to complete my year and hoping for a good friendship as the year progresses.

I met Mardie, 15, when I was still disabled.

I don’t know how or when exactly but he just came to the picture. He lives on the same street where I live. I grew up here but I don’t recall any incidence of any encounters during our younger years. Seeing Mardie just completes my day. He is fun, fearless, and vibrant and loves his being young. I see in him the innocence I was stripped of. In this teenage year of his, I knew for a fact he is coming of age, slowly unmasking the hardship and taboos life has. I think I like Mardie. I do think I do and honestly…I do. He knows that. But the record is straight, just not possible. We, both, are good friends and it’s what matters. His personality benefits me of, well, thinking that life is still good (for the lack of stored vocabulary fit to say) to see some one love life despite the privation. And oh, at 15, he has a killer abs that I envy! Hehehehe

Late is better than never. Vicente, we all are fond of calling him June, completed my year. Life is indeed full of surprises. You know why? I was 15 when I met June. It was summer of 1995. He was 11 years old then who looks younger for his age. At that moment I found him cute. He barely talks, and as childish as he was eleven. The whole summer of 1995 was playtime, and of course, the desire for young love. As I skimmed through old diaries I found out I was harsh on him. I am not sure if I have offended him but I am sure I made him cry twice. As I type this, I can clearly see the incident when I close my eyes. Of course, it’s not all that, we had had fun during that summer. We were a little close. But because I was a little too aggressive, that pushed him away.

I am closing my eyes right now and I can see the times that seeing him from a far would make my day. We lived on the same street but we never had time to get together. We are like strangers, maybe because we fell on a wrong start. Then time made as apart. I went to college. He graduated from high school a few years after and went to a different college.

June is serving the Philippine Army now.

He was on vacation for the holidays and on the 29th, God played the most beautiful scene of my 2006. After 11 years of wishing, hoping that we get together, finally it did happen. Over bottles of brandy, it started the friendship that was lost. Words are nowhere to be found to say how happy that made me that night.

ehehehe. june and i

there's king, a cousin of ours, and june

He’s back in camp since the 30th and he never fails to text. We have a lot of catching up to do.

June knows I like him. Actually, he is my very first crush. At that, lets say, first Love. But that’s all in the past. I no longer desire his love but his friendship because in friendship, we can be fool of ourselves. Oh how I just love it! Here’s hoping everything will be at best between us. The thing is, at that time I like June, he likes my sister as well as my sister likes June. Now, he still likes my sister and I don’t know about my sister for she and her current boyfriend are so in love together.

2006 was alcohol year! Even if I was still one leg walking, the doctor did say I can drink occasionally. But he said I have to stop smoking because not only it destroys my lungs, it slows down the ability of my bones to unite. It kind of did. I didn’t quit smoking, sadly, and was in a drinking mode from time to time. It was December of 2005 and I cannot avoid it. It’s everywhere! When I was able to walk again, almost every week, I and the people I get to be close with drink. Sometimes, it would be just Lee Jack and I. Lee Jack and I make fun of ourselves when we think that we are getting alcoholics. But we both are sure, we’re not going to be alcoholics. We know our limits.

Before the year ends, was the saddest to most of us locals. We were hit by two super typhoons: Milenyo and Reming. The latter being the strongest I have ever experienced in my entire existence. Good thing it happened at daytime because the wind was so strong. If it happened at night, I just couldn’t imagine how the most affected people would evacuate to a safer place. Debris was flying crazy, trees and electricity posts were breaking and tumbling down. A lot of people ultimately lost their houses. Several days after, there was a landslide (from the Mayon Volcano) in Albay which is a two hour drive from where I live. It killed thousands of people. Here are pictures I manage to capture during Milenyo and Reming:

We didn’t have electricity for a month (December). No TV, no radio, and internet was slow. Thankfully, despite the dragging days, we manage to entertain ourselves with my cousin Krizzy’s comical performances. Here’s one of them:

My cousin Kris dancing Boom Tarat ;-)

Some of us in the whole region had “dark” Christmas. Some had “dark” New Years as well. I was glad our New Year’s was better. Electricity was supplied on our street by the 30th.

Here are pics I’d like to share during the New Year’s with my family.

I stayed up till past 8 in the morning. Lee Jack and I drank brandy after midnight and we watched the first sunrise while we talk about our lives and wonder what would be next.

Well, no matter how fast 2006 was, I actually realized a lot of things. I’ve come to terms with my fears, one of which is death. I became closer to God which is the ultimate thing. I’m still learning to let go of a lot of emotional baggage and “things” too, though. Sooner or later, I will learn it. Even if I didn’t meet a lot of people, I managed to keep the best people in my life and slowly adding more interesting people. To which, a certain letting go of closeness and/or attachment with them is hard to do. I may have lost the career I was beginning to have and lost the original strength of my physique but there was a good compromise to all that: I realized life is so good no matter what, and that I love life!

Because,

BLOOPER!

aside from good friends, I have a family who supports me in some ways...and I am thankful for them for everything

So, was the accident the turning point of my life? At some point, maybe, but turning points must always have to be in a positive mode. There will still be exciting and scary events that’ll happen. I am not sure if I am ready for the scary events but we’ll see…. This life I have is a second chance and I have to make the most out of it so help me God! I don’t have 26 more years to live, I have forever! And forever starts now.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-28T15:32:00.000+08:00

Belated Merry Christmas sa ngamin na tagaNabua and to all the Nabuenos residing anywhere all over the world! The same holiday greetings goes to all the people in the world especially those who visit this blog!

PostCards from NABUA
Nabua Plaza

tolong (3) Agta

Last post was a bummer. I am looking forward for a certain closure between the fish and I, but this time...to hell with closure! I am closing everything about the fish! Gona! Na-da! He's out of the picture! But thanks for coming in to my life anyway.

I wont be carrying with me loads of bad "stuffs" this coming 2007. and i realized while walking this afternoon, that I am depriving people of my my SMILE! Damn, how I neglected doing that! It feels so good to smile at people you know...it lifts their and my spirtis up.

and the christmas holidays was boring. No, electricity in my area...its the darkest christmas i have ever spent in my life! its only now that i felt the christmas spirit.
And last night was the blast. I was out with friends I havent been with for a while. Here are the photos: